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Newest Member: itspointless

Just Found Out :
Good liar!

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Countingsheep65 ( member #56000) posted at 5:50 AM on Monday, May 16th, 2022

When he tries to tell you " It’s all in your head or crazy " you turn and walk away and just laugh, you know what you know, don’t let him mind fuck

you, these liars are so good at messing with our minds. They don’t know truth, they live in constant deception.

You will never trust him again. You got this!

posts: 451   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2016
id 8735509
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 4:44 PM on Monday, May 16th, 2022

Hello ChamomileTea, The1stWife, pureheartkit,H3LLO,and countingsheep65:

The attorney, whom I never met, fired me!?! I was told on the phone by his receptionist a week after I made the appointment that the "free consultation " is for those ready to file. So I asked how much was to have legal advice, she said she would ask and get back with me. She has not, so I am on a search again.

You are right. Although I am very angry and want a divorce, I need to have a plan. He will claim he has no money, and I will get nothing. I am currently investigating if he and OW have bank acct or properties together. I just discovered he has multiple properties I knew nothing about!

Honestly, being in this site gives me power. I said things to him which i would never thought to say at times of distress. Taking actions beyond my norm. I feel like I have life coaches behind my every move. Preparing me on that to say and what to do. Thank you all. I needed this. Hugs to all for giving me strength.

MS

posts: 38   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8735554
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 6:46 PM on Monday, May 16th, 2022

Don't be afraid to describe your situation to the receptionist at whatever attorney's office you're calling. If you say up front that you have evidence which suggests your WH is hiding assets and deflating his earnings while he surreptitiously prepares to file for divorce, you're more likely to get a speedy appointment. Once there, your attorney can put you onto a forensic accountant who will go through the finances with a fine-toothed comb. They run around 5-7k, but when there's quite a bit of money at stake, can be well worth the expense.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5665   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8735566
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:18 PM on Monday, May 16th, 2022

His need to control everything is what he expects.

You need to outsmart him. Hire an attorney ASAP.

No discussion. Don’t tell him.

Read up on the 180 and start executing that plan as well.

Don’t play his game. If you don’t engage at least the verbal abuse and lies cannot affect you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12157   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8735598
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 4:11 PM on Thursday, May 19th, 2022

Hello ChamomileTea and The1stWife,

I have been reading 180; need to read again to better prepare. I feel sometimes,, though, I a plan... I still struggle with weakness.
I got in touch with a great lawyer, highly recommended, but very pricey for consultation. $500/hr. Don't know what the going rate is but got to save up.

DD#2 18 May 2022. Caught H and OW making plans to book hotel.

This is so draining. This will never end!! Thank you for keeping me grounded!

MS

posts: 38   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8736007
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:24 PM on Thursday, May 19th, 2022

My son's lawyer charged maybe $350/hour, IIRC. She was unavailable on a court date, and her $700/hour partner subbed for her. It was the best extra $350/hour my son ever spent. smile He knew the judge and knew how to get around her female chauvinism, and he negotiated a far better settlement than had been in the works.

Sometimes - not always, for sure - you get what you pay for.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27312   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8736011
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 7:35 PM on Thursday, May 19th, 2022

You might want to check with relatives and see if anyone can help you. You could even apply for a new line of credit. Once you're in with an attorney, s/he can usually help you figure out what you can afford. Keep calling around and seeing what you can do to raise money.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5665   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8736044
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Countingsheep65 ( member #56000) posted at 4:46 AM on Friday, May 20th, 2022

Just remember, you can go after him to cover some of the attorney fees too.

posts: 451   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2016
id 8736091
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 5:31 AM on Friday, May 20th, 2022

Just remember, you can go after him to cover some of the attorney fees too.

And to recoup ANY martial funds he's spent on the affair with OW! Don't forget that!

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3169   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8736095
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 10:31 PM on Friday, May 20th, 2022

Hello Sisoon, ChamomoleTea, Countingsheep65, and Jeaniegirl,

Good suggestions. I will save money for the highly recommended lawyer. I didn't know I can go after all those expenses. So good to know. Thanks!!

MS

posts: 38   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8736290
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 1:43 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

Hello All,
Been 3 months and tired of playing his games and listening to his lies.
I have OW's phone number but recently found OW'sH number from search site. But listed as VOIP instead of "land line" as listed for his neighbors. Had to Google what that is (Voice Over Internet Phone).

1) should I do group text to OW and include her H and my H (or leave mine out?)

2) should I be careful what I text or give it all to her?

3) what should I say? Tell her to stop bc I know everything?

Please advice. Thanks!

MS

posts: 38   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8736528
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 3:55 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

Hi Sherlock!

If it were me, I would leave OW and WH out of it, especially if he is gaslighting you. I would just message the OBS and give him any evidence you have. Do not give your WH and OW any time to get their stories straight. I assume OBS will confront OW and then OW will let your WH know that the jig is up and she has been busted. Then WH will have to sit and wonder about how much you know and where you are getting your information and if he should approach you or not. If you REALLY want to fuck with them, give the OBS the info anonymously and your husband will be scratching his head trying to figure out how OBS found out and if you even know. Let his world be turned upside down for a bit.

Don't worry about telling them to stop; you telling OW to quit seeing your husband does not come from a place of power. Power is telling your WH to go be with her, because you will not share him. He either will go be with her (if she'll have him) or he will drop her like a hot potato and begin trying to desperately save his marriage with you. You do NOT tell her or him to quit, because the truth is, they are not going to stop just cause you tell them to.

It may not feel like it, but you now have the upper hand because you have knowledge that he does not. I would make all your major moves (filing for divorce, securing housing, separating finances) while he is clueless and then pull the trigger with informing the OBS as the last move. When your husband tries to see what you know/how you know it, you can casually tell him. "Oh yes, I already know about Miss Slutasaurus Rex. In fact, I have already started to the divorce process so you can pursue that relationship without me in the way. Have a nice life." At least, that is how it goes in my head when I fantasize about how I should have handled it.

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 215   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8736557
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 4:42 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

I think you need to make a new email address and use it to send the information to him anonymously. In your note, because you’re not being you, tell him he needs to let you know and then wish him good luck. And take that email down. Then just sit back and watch what’s going on and play innocent.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3351   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8736568
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 5:25 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

Hello BigMammaJamma and Cooley2here,

Thank you for your valuable advice. I like anonymity, and I created new email just for OWS, but got no response. I got his email address from same search site as his phone number.
I even contemplated on getting a burner phone. Never bought one so started to read up on it. Seems complicated to buy one and to start it up. Do you have any experience with this?
Thanks

MS

posts: 38   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8736580
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 6:38 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

Do you happen to have his address? Perhaps you can deliver a package to the doorstep?

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 215   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8736601
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 7:09 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

Hello BigMammaJamma,
Like send a pic of them together to his house?

MS

posts: 38   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8736614
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 7:26 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

If it really is VOIP that just is Plain old Telephone over data network. It can be as simple as being phone service provided via cable tv. That is it doesn't necessarily support messaging. You also have the issue of whether or not the account is still active. The search sites never forget numbers. I haven't had a actual home phone in 10 years. If you're not willing to call and speak with him via Voice you won't know whether or not anything is received. Best bet outside of voice or in person is to deliver to his place of employment assuming that WS or AP doesn't work there.

[This message edited by grubs at 7:29 PM, Monday, May 23rd]

posts: 1219   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8736624
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 7:27 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

I would just give him copies of whatever you have if it is enough to prove that there is an affair happening. What all do you have?

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 215   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8736625
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 8:52 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

Hello BigMammaJamma,

I have pics and online confirmation of hotels and flights. Then he would know it's from me? Not anonymous anymore? Should I be concerned if she opens it and destroy them if knows the package is arriving from their former state of residence?

MS

posts: 38   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8736659
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 8:56 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

Hello grubs,
I know he took early retirement. She works part-time. You are right about information not being updated. I'm not sure if address is even accurate.

MS

posts: 38   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8736660
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