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Newest Member: Momof2greatadults

Just Found Out :
Good liar!

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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 5:46 AM on Saturday, July 9th, 2022

Let your HR know what is going on. You have said that he may become violent, so they will need to be prepared if anything bad happens.

Did you discuss this with your lawyer and what did they say? Take steps to protect yourself.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1238   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8743985
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 2:51 PM on Saturday, July 9th, 2022

Thank you The1stWife and leafields,
I love the scenario to serve him with papers. Nothing could be more satisfying.
However, I did mention to the lawyer his tendency to be violent and she made suggestions how I can be protected by law. She, too, is skeptical the law can protect me like I would hope. May not be fast enough when he is on a rage, especially if he knows everything about me. My schedule, my work place, my family. She suggested I get everything lined up, and hopes he would miss his OW so much that he would file first. She also asked me to name all his workers who knows about this OW.
Thank you for listening.

MS

posts: 43   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8744010
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 4:05 PM on Saturday, July 9th, 2022

He has made threats before if I leave him he would hurt me. So now I'm stuck in this lying deceitful marriage. I wish I could file and be done with this idiot.

I think maybe with the right precautions, you can file and be done with that idiot. If you think about it, a violent guy who is capable of hurting you is ALWAYS capable of hurting you, not just when you leave him. Sure, that's statistically the most likely time, but the risk in other times still exists. You could burn the meatloaf or forget to pick up the dry cleaning and set him off. Consider giving the National Domestic Abuse hotline a call and pick their brains a little.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5745   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8744019
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 6:54 PM on Saturday, July 9th, 2022

I’ve had friends leave abusive marriages.

First - you may need to move out before he is served (if he doesn’t serve you first).

Second - get orders of protection if necessary. That puts the police on alert in your area.

Third - you have to take all threats seriously. If you need to get a better security system in your home and cameras, please do so.

Fourth - invest in a voice activated recorder that you keep with you at all times.

Five - have a trusted friend or family member on speed dial with a code word. If you text the word they know to call the police or send help for you.

Have an emergency bag packed just in case.

Have all your personal documents stored off site and secured.

Get your name off any joint credit cards. Cancel them if necessary as soon as you Initiate the D.

So sorry you are facing this. But if you prepare in advance you can survive this and get through it.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12306   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8744043
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 3:18 PM on Sunday, July 10th, 2022

Hello ChamomileTea and The1stWife, you both are right!!! Never in a million years I thought I was a victim of abuse. This type of abuse is in a different form so I never thought to classify my marriage was abusive.
Also my lawyer mentioned WH showed inferiority complex behavior. He can be "superior" to OW and less intimated by her. OW probably thinks he's her protector and a good catch.

Since the meeting with lawyer I have started to take actions on securing documents etc... but thank you for the detail list you provided. Notes taken and will start. I will also call the hot line.
Thanks.

MS

posts: 43   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8744090
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:47 PM on Sunday, July 10th, 2022

I'm posting to mention that SI has a Divorce/Separation forum. My bet is that a number of folks who post there have gone through exactly what you're going through.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27422   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8744094
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 12:32 AM on Tuesday, July 12th, 2022

Hello Sisoon,
Thank you! I will look it up. Should I start posting in the Divorce forum from now on since I "graduated"?
I'm sure the postings there will be a big help as did JFO forum.

MS

posts: 43   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8744280
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:28 PM on Tuesday, July 12th, 2022

Responding more as a fellow member than as a mod, I mentioned D/S to add to the resources you have available, not to limit you to one forum or another.

I guess the way to choose where to post your concerns, questions, etc. requires reading in 2 or 3 forums and choosing to open a thread in the one that seems most congenial.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:31 PM, Tuesday, July 12th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27422   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8744354
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 5:16 PM on Tuesday, July 12th, 2022

As a cop I dealt a lot with domestic abuse and I pretend to know a bit about how abusive people think…
Abusive husbands tend to build up abuse. It’s a progression. Starts with derogatory comments, isolation, control… it progresses to physical threats and then direct physical abuse. They will deny the abuse and do their best to hide it – portraying the woman as a hysterical b00ch making things up and overreacting.
They are very careful to keep up the front – to hide the abuse from others.

IMHO if you have a realistic reason to fear abuse you need to take precautions once you file. These could include one or more of the following – even all of them:
Do you have a neighbor or friend real close by? Like next apartment or house? Even that person in the next house who you only say hi to but seems nice. Go talk to them and explain the situation. Ask that if there is any loud noise, screaming or whatever that they phone 911 and/or come over. Just standing outside your door knocking or calling will make the abuser cut back.

Ask your attorney about what legal resources you have. Having verbally threatened abuse will probably not do you any good unless there were witnesses. But maybe your attorney can let your local police station know of the fears. Having been a cop I know how calls are prioritized. A general call about possible abuse or a disturbance is ranked slightly higher than a cat stuck in a tree and lower than the union-prescribed coffee-break. A call about abuse in an address that has been listed as possible serious abuse… not even donuts will keep the cops away.

The moment your husband starts talking abuse or acting abusive let him know that you have taken precautions. Let him know your attorney has been told of his verbal threats and that you will not hesitate to take legal action if he so much as scratches his nose.

This is not about winning. The moment he starts getting agitated… leave. No drama, no packing bags or anything like that. Just leave the house.

Keep an escape-bag ready. Nothing fancy. Just a change of clothes and some cash.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10815   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8744381
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 2:03 AM on Wednesday, July 13th, 2022

Hello Sisoon and Bigger.
Thank you for the clarification of the forums. I will read both places for valuable advice.

Also thank you Bigger, for the action plan. Notes taken. I will have lots of homework. I have collectively been making a list from previous posts on how to prepare my next steps. I would not be able to tackle this on my own without all of you. Thank you everyone.

MS

posts: 43   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8744470
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