It is signed and filed!
Holy crap we are almost to finish line. Just has to be signed off from judge (about a week).
We did 4 months of mediation and it was way better than I could have ever hoped for! He has been out of the house about a month and I am starting to feel so much peace. Overall, it’s amicable. It was a 27 year marriage so there is just too much history to hold bitterness. Yes, I have plenty to be angry about, but why? I choose peace. And this means I have truly let go of the marriage. It’s so freeing to reach indifference.
I don’t hold feelings of revenge or bitterness. I want him to be okay in the world. I don’t like the person he became over the last few years but I loved the man within his new self for so long that I know his soul is good, his choices and character are bad. So I focus on the parts of him that are redeemable and appreciate the things he did well. And I know without a doubt that this is what is best for me. He has a drinking problem and made terrible choices and lied extensively. I’m grateful I’m out of the marriage and we can remain amicable.
I’m freeeeeee and it is amazing.
5 comments posted: Sunday, November 12th, 2023
Obstacles near the very end!
0 comment posted: Thursday, September 28th, 2023
Sadness finally creeping in
As we near the finish line (2 weeks from finalized), the sadness is finally hitting me. And I see it in youngest daughter also.
Over the last year, I was so focused on making sure kids were okay and really distancing myself from WH that I got lost once again focused on care taking (adult kids and elderly mom). I had to stay strong to get everyone through as best as possible. That strength got me through a difficult transition, but now I’m feeling the sorrow.
I have been in IC and he says I’ve been in self and have navigated this with wisdom and compassion. And it really has been incredibly amicable.
I don’t know how to explain it. I think I was so done after discovering more lies and a secret bar life so many years after DDay 1. I just completely pulled away emotionally from WH and was in pure survival mode just going through the actions of getting to finish line. And now that I’m almost there and seeing relief/a bit of happiness on his face , I am sad. I am grieving for this huge loss of the end of our intact family. I know this is the best next step for me so why am I reeling near the end? Nothing in me wants to be with him, but I hate that the family structure is gone.
And I don’t want to believe the last half of my life was for naught. It had to mean something. There was love and now it’s gone and it makes me sad.
3 comments posted: Wednesday, September 13th, 2023
Joining you very soon
We are nearing the divorce being finalized!!! Hip hip hooray. Im going to be over here soon enough.
So it’s been 20 + years since I’ve dated. Where to even begin?? What are the most preferred dating sites for 50 year olds?!? Excited and nervous as Heck.
6 comments posted: Friday, September 8th, 2023
The count down is on
We had our last mediation session and the settlement statement is being drafted It should be ready in 2 weeks to review and sign. We had a 3 hour mediation session and we made so many decisions, but I just wanted to be DONE!
He will be moving out at the end of the month per our agreement. I am overjoyed!! The 30 day countdown begins until I can breathe deeper, relax more, and just be myself!! I am so freakin excited. There is a small part of me that is scared he will change his mind on some issues and refuse to sign. Please, please, please let this be over so I can officially begin my new chapter.
BYE BYE...get out. I never knew I would feel so completely sure this is the right decision after such a long marriage.
Please send positive vibes that this will get signed on and I can LIVE again.
2 comments posted: Friday, September 1st, 2023
I've been reading up on the rise of the "grey divorce." My understanding is this term is for those in a long term marriage (usually 20+ years) and most kids out of or near out of the house. Once the distraction of the kids is gone, there is a huge magnifying glass on the marriage alone. And many have grown apart or run out of reasons to stay for the family.
I am 52 and would be considered in the "grey divorce" category. I have friends from high school who I was shocked to find out have recently divorced as well. I am noticing it more and more. I have a dear friend going through it with same age kids, etc. Our families have been tight for 20 years. It is crazy.
I wonder if Covid played a part in this increase. The pandemic caused people to reprioritize, take a break from the same ol schedule and so much togetherness was not great for everyone.
Who else is going through a grey divorce? I also think since people are living longer, starting over in your 50's still gives you time to recover and build an amazing life. I am so glad I took the leap and am counting my days until freedom!
16 comments posted: Sunday, August 27th, 2023
How did you afford attorney fees? And what was cost?
I am assuming most of us do not have an abundance of cash. We are doing mediation with 2 separate attorneys and boy is it adding up quickly!! How on earth do you afford this? We have put it on credit cards so it is racking up even more interest.
Praying we are nearing the end and we will probably come out under $7000. If you don't mind sharing what were your legal costs and how did you pay these fees? I never want to email my attorney again as it costs $400 to do so!!
1 comment posted: Thursday, August 24th, 2023
Okay after doing IHS for a year (even tho just filed in June), I am at the end of my rope. Been sleeping in separate rooms for a year, no intimacy for a year (😳), tension, massive stress. I am DONE. He refused to leave the house for those wondering why it is this way and attorneys tell you not to leave house due to abandonment, etc. So people have to suffer thru this hell of IHS.
BUT, we are so close to move out date and settlement date of Oct 1. So I’m trying to HOLD ON a little longer. I’ve noticed my emotions and stress have really ramped up lately. I’m so afraid of being this close to him out of house and fair settlement because I’m waiting for the explosion (my life with him). I just can’t trust this will be done in 42 days. I’m afraid he will f it up somehow by changing his mind or throwing me under bus.
Anybody else experience this heightened anxiety as it drew nearer to the final end?! It’s like I’ve been waiting to exhale for so long and I truly just want a deep breath so desperately. I need to believe in that light at the end of the tunnel, but since I have zero trust in him, I can’t rest assured he will cooperate.
I just know it will be the biggest weight off me when it’s settled and he is physically out of my life. I want to be there now!!
Anyone same experience?
3 comments posted: Thursday, August 17th, 2023
Life insurance, pension, social security
Hi if I am receiving maintenance for 6 years, is it standard to be the beneficiary on life insurance? If anything happens to him, my maintenance would run out. I can ask my lawyer, but figured I would save the $100 email and ask here first.
Also, I do not know much about pension and social security. I am getting half of the retirement. What about pension...what is pension? Am I entitled to part of his social security as well?
4 comments posted: Friday, August 11th, 2023
Difficult mediation session
Ok third mediation session done. It was a bit more prickly as maintenance was discussed. I’m between a rock and a hard place.
WH proposed a 3 year term (very low #) for maintenance from a 26 yr marriage. My attorney has educated me on maintenance and what to expect. So I have to submit my counter proposal to WH and mediator on Friday. My attorney has suggested a proposal that I believe he will not accept and could force sale of home. I want to stay in house for one year for our HS senior. So I would accept a term (5-6 year) maintenance plan at more reasonable numbers. I have a large shortfall as he makes 5x what I do.
So in order to settle I have to agree to numbers where I could squeak by and have to focus on increasing my pay. He has agreed to pay everything for our child (including full college, car, ins, food, clothing, etc). I’m over 50 and my financial future is a bit scary. I will have half retirement and large house equity buyout after one year.
In my state, the judge will always order modifiable maintenance vs a term contract (non modifiable). So if this one issue goes in front of judge he would have to pay me until I die or remarry (but prob at a lesser # per month).
So far the mediation and the process has been mostly amicable. I know how this man works and if I want to get this settled by end of Aug (which I desperately want!!!)… I will be accepting less in maintenance overall than if this goes in front of judge and lose out on one year in house with hs senior. It’s a gamble. Overall my 6 year proposal is doable for me financially (just not a lot of wiggle room). So question is do I push for more and risk more attorney fees and time or settle at a place that is doable albeit tight?
4 comments posted: Thursday, August 10th, 2023
How long has it been?
Curious how long your divorce process has been going on and what stage you are in?
This seems to take so long when you are mentally and emotionally done!
4 comments posted: Friday, August 4th, 2023
Selling wedding ring
Did you sell your wedding ring?
If so, where and how?
6 comments posted: Monday, July 31st, 2023
First mediation session done
Ok one down. It was only an hour because soon to be Ex had another appt.
Our most difficult 2 items will be house and amount of maintanence. Everything else will not be bad I believe. No child custody issues as we have adult children (well one is almost).
We dove right into the house and both stated we want it. It is a huge emotional pull since we built it 18 years ago and this is where the kids will be drawn to. Especially for our senior in HS, she REALLY wants to stay in the house. He makes significantly more than me and had a plan drawn up about how he could afford the house and to buy me out. He wants to cut me out of his life and keep everything else exactly the same!! Even if it is not the best financial move for me, the value of me having the house is my biggest (and only) thing I will go to trial for.
The most obvious and best thing to do would be to sell but we both think it is best to keep our senior in the home for one more year.
I am going to consult with my attorney as to what best strategies I can use to secure the home. How can I prove that it is best for me to stay in the house and that I can afford it (which I don't even know if I can). I have endured over a year of IHS and him remaining in the master bedroom because he is an entitled ass. I am done. I want to move on with my life.
Anyway on a better note, I asked her afterwards if we seemed like we could get to settlement and she said yes. You have 2 hard issues to work through. If he gets the house, he will be much more agreeable about all other items. If I get the house, every other item will be a battle. The house is his most important item as well. The mediator is top notch and VERY reputable in town.
3 comments posted: Sunday, July 9th, 2023
who did successful mediation
We have our first mediation appt next week. I think we will be able to be agreeable about most of the items. The sticklers will be the house and amount of maintanence.
What should I expect with mediation? The first meeting will just be spouses and mediator and the 2nd meeting will be both attorneys, mediator, and both parties in hopes to get to settlement.
I understand that the first meeting is a good indicator if this is a doable path.
I am so ready to get to the other side of this and start my new chapter. I am hoping to get there the quickest and most affordable path possible. I have an attorney in my corner so I feel very comfortable!
I am feeling cautiously hopeful that we may be able to go this path. Looking for others with experience in this realm.
5 comments posted: Wednesday, June 28th, 2023
Best sleep advice
I have not slept well for over a year now. And I have slept terrible the past 3 nights. I take melatonin, but not much help.
What do you use for sleep aid or tips? Sleep makes a huge difference right now in the middle of extreme stress.
I don’t really want to do ambien because I’ve heard horrible things about it.
17 comments posted: Wednesday, June 14th, 2023
Filed and told adult kids
It was all brutal. A huge sob fest even though 2 of the kids suspected it was coming. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.
Devastation all around. We are at ground zero.
This is a mutual decision and we both agree there is no going forward.
Some told me I would feel a bit of relief after telling kids. But I feel dead inside and the amount of hurt they now carry is SOOOOO painful.
Did anyone else feel this way even though you wanted the divorce? I think this is one of those moments that will forever change my heart and my kids hearts.
3 comments posted: Saturday, June 10th, 2023
The final chapter- telling adult kids
So much progress and yet the hardest part is yet to come, telling adult kids. Attorney is drafting up petition to file this week. We discussed telling the kids this weekend. However, we talked this am about what to say to the kids and let's just say it did not go well. I told him I would be telling the kids the truth of his actions. I would be okay with telling them together with some general stuff about how we are closing this chapter of our lives and moving on in different directions, etc. And I would have private conversations with each of them to ask me questions. I figured each one would want to know a different amount of info and it would be best to let them be in control of how much they want to know.
He was so mad that I would tell them the truth of what has happened in the last 3 years. Tons of lies about his whereabouts, regular bar outings during the day, sleeping with bartenders. And this is a repeat of the first DDay 17 years ago! He refuses to move out and I have been sleeping in the other room for a year now. The 2 kids that live here have seen this and know things have been f'ed up for a year now. I think they deserve to know the truth. He disagrees with me and accuses me of putting them in the middle of our situation. He also says be careful of what you say because there are 2 sides to every story and I will defend myself (which is him saying he will tell them I emotionally abused him), more lies.
My world is so dark right now. I 100% want to get out of this hellish dead marriage. And yet as the finality of the final nail in the coffin draws very near, the pain is so intense. I know what needs to be done and am pushing forward. I have been dealing with this for a long time (3 years of bad, and one year of really bad). I waited to get the kids to a better spot and timing with one moving out in fall.
I know I am all over the place in this post. This is my brain this week- anxiety ridden and heart aches with pain for what this will do to kids, fear of the unknown. I feel like an implosion is coming and I have no idea how one handles this. This past year I have been doing okay for what I have been dealing with. This week is a huge buildup of emotions and apprehension of what is to come.
So would love to hear thoughts of what to say to young adult kids and experience of dealing with this apprehension of what is to come very very soon.
13 comments posted: Tuesday, May 16th, 2023
How do you get WH out of the house
I am preparing to file very soon. I was advised to wait for a bonus to be paid out the end of Jan and I have to finish a long financial document. And then boom, good bye mother f'er.
But he refuses to leave the house. He absolutely will not leave the house. He doesn't think it is right to leave our youngest child who is in HS. But it is not against his moral compass to cheat and lie and go to the bars everyday?? In 25 years of marriage, he snores BAD and refuses to even leave the bedroom (it is his room, entitlement crap). So I have always been the one that leaves the room so I can get some sleep. This is what I am dealing with.
Please tell me how you have endured IHS. It is utter HELL. We have already been doing this for 7 months. I can't imagine doing this for another 9months to a year until divorce is final. Please help- my mental fortitude is breaking. I have already endured so much. In our state, whoever abandons the house, will lose the house. So all attorneys strongly advise do not leave the house under any circumstance.
Any advice how to best handle IHS? Does one party move to a separate space in the house? I am the one that sleeps in another room from the snoring and the fact that I don't like him at all. We have not officially told the kids (adults) yet of the divorce but they know we have issues that most likely can not be resolved, but we are determining that. It's messy.
Please let me know if anyone had any success with getting WH out of the house when they are adamant of not leaving? I have been thinking of moving my mom in because I know that would drive him crazy!
8 comments posted: Saturday, January 21st, 2023
How bad does it get?
I am at the stage right before filing. It has been hell. He is a complete asshat. No respect, miserable, nasty, won't do anything around the house. He blames me for everything...well you wanted this divorce. As if that is the reason for his shitty behavior. He is a functioning alcoholic (won't admit it), cheater, gaslighter, manipulator, and pathological liar. I want out so bad and can not fathom having to go through possibly another year of IHS. It is hell. He refuses to leave. I'm seriously considering moving out if it gets worse as my mental health is on the line. I am not close to a good version of myself.
I want to fast forward through the pain. It is so bad right now, and I fear it will get worse after I file because he is a toddler man. Literally talked about me eating the last piece of pecan pie for an hour (said I was so selfish, etc). WTF?? It is crazy making the nut job things he focuses on.
Two of our adult children (one is 17) live in the house and can see the crazy, but also love him dearly because he just turned into a nut job the last 3 ish years. So they have a history and strong bond with him. They do not know so much yet...all the lies. He literally goes to the bar almost everyday when he says he is leaving for work. They do not know about the affairs.
I have worked hard to get my ducks in a row and am overthinking so much. I can not predict what will happen, but have been trying to prepare for a lot of scenarios with attorney. I am emotionally ready to make the jump as it is jumping from raging hell fires into the great unknown. so that makes it easier.
My absolute biggest worry/fear is the kids. Even though they are adults (one is 17)..this will fuck them up so bad. I am sure everyone thinks this, but we had an amazing family. Like it really seemed special. My WH and I used to lead marriage classes at church and now this. I trust I will be okay (probably even better) but am terrified of what this will do to the kids.
So tell me what were the hardest stages of this process? Am I in the thick of it? Did things intensify after filing? What are the top 3 things I should do before filing?
4 comments posted: Sunday, November 27th, 2022
I can't hold it in anymore
The holding of all the secret knowledge is killing my physical and mental well being. I feel physically sick from this. I can not take another lie. It is lies everyday about his whereabouts, etc. I am ill from it. I have been doing this tracking of him on and off for 5 months and I just can't do it anymore. Holding all this in so I MAY fare better in settlement even though we are in a no fault state? But at what cost to my health which I place a large value on.
He tells me and the kids that he is going out of town and I see him at the bars all day in town and 2 times with OW at night. This is torture for me.
I want to confront him and just file. So what are best ways to confront? Just serve him papers?
This is so agonizing...this pre part, the last bit right before the trigger is pulled. I would rate myself a 1 on a 1-10 scale of well being. And I am fearful that it will even get darker which is hard to comprehend. Is this the worst part of the process or should I buckle in?
Seriously to those who were able to hold secrets and take lies upon lies everyday, I don't know how you did it. I consider myself a strong person. I can not be lied to one more time. I want to scream and feel like I am going to jump out of my skin.
And I am wrecked with what/how to deal the older kids (2 in house). I am praying and praying. The thinking of how all this will go down is the worst. What was your plan and what would you have done differently if you could?
3 comments posted: Tuesday, October 25th, 2022
Should I hold my cards or play them?
We are headed for divorce. WH wants to mediate, working through that.
I have recent information (100% proof) about cheating but have been advised by attorney to not confront and to keep that information until into the divorce proceedings. It may help with negotiations. We live in a no fault state so evidence is mostly useless except for it shows curt of behavior which when compiled can make a difference to the judge.
I do not want to play games and just want to put it all out there and just tell him I know. I think this MAY cause him a little guilt and empathy and this could work to my favor in starting the divorce. He is so wrapped up in his image and just for him to know I could let this get out out with friend group could make him more willing to help me. On the flip side this all could enrage him and cause him to explode and go extra hard towards taking me down in divorce. It is really 50/50 and I don't know which way to go.
The other thing is in telling the adult children. Our youngest is 17 the other 2 are out of the house. If I am the one to file, I want to be able to say this is why I am doing this!! So they understand what I have endured to keep the family together. I don't want to give details but feel they should know their Dad cheated multiple times, lied 1000's of times and is a functioning alcoholic. I used to see us both sitting down with the grown kids and telling them together. But now I see just me talking to them.
This is eating me up. I know he spent the night at an OW's house recently and I can't keep this in for much longer. I want to get on with my life. I am paralyzed about trying to sort out what to do with all of this info. I just want to have it out, but also need to be very concerned about protecting myself in the future financially and having best relationships with kids. It is so much to sort out mentally. I am in IC and he suggested that it is WH place to have the courage to say I cheated on your mom. He will not do this. He wants to say we grew apart.
I'm consumed by the challenge of how best to handle telling kids and to confront or not daily and just want to get going and what will be will be. On the contrary that seems not smart to make the biggest decision of my life, affecting the kids lives and our financial well being ride on a poorly executed plan.
I do have 2 dear friends I confide in as well and they advise to hold the cards I have for now. My gut says just get it all out and play the cards now. I hate the game playing.
11 comments posted: Sunday, October 16th, 2022
15 years later and I want to dissolve this BS marriage. I went through false reconciliation 15 years ago and worked my butt off in IC to forgive. I truly forgave him and he would say he felt forgiven.
Fast forward to 4 months ago when I tracked him unknowingly and discovered he was lying ALOT about his whereabouts. He lied about what time his flight would land and head to the bar. He was in the bar often during the day, rarely at night. The first Dday also was the same as lying about going to the bar and that is where he met someone.
So I confronted him about the lies, about him going to the bar on the regular during working hours and lying to my face ALOT!! I told him I was done and wanted a divorce. He swears that he was not unfaithful again, yada, yada!! Even if he wasn't (which is hard to believe) the lies alone are too much. And we are talking extreme lies.
I have been to a lawyer. I am getting things in order. I know in my heart I am done. But damn I am having a HARD time pulling that trigger and filing. It is not the marriage that has me distraught, it is the breaking up of the family. The thought of it wrecks me. Seriously destroys me! We have adult/ almost adult kids.
He has no remorse. No respect. No empathy. No accountability. I don't even know who the hell he is anymore. I am living in a nightmare and wish to wake up. But I have had my head in the sand the last 3 years when I knew things were messed up again. And I do it in the guise of my family. I am waking up quickly.
He is angry and needs it to be all my fault. He wants me to be the fall guy so he can go around saying I filed, I broke up the family. Poor victim. He refuses to file. And somehow I'm afraid I will be the one left holding the bag of shit! Why...because he is that guy that everyone loves, the helpful, social, likeable guy that no one would believe is capable of this.
Why would a person turn so mean and refuse to do the right thing?
He has been completely checked out of this marriage for 3 years and living a secret bar life. His actions said he is done, so he should be done. He says you said you wanted a divorce, so you do it.
I have never been so completely withdrawn and shut down. (this is not me, I am social and loud and fun and used to be a bad ass!!) I am back in IC recently to work through this and get to a place where I can move forward on a new path. I am terrified of it all. Ive been lied to so much I don't know which way is up.
Will I ever get to a place of peace or do I just have to take that leap of faith???
I want to be my bad ass 20 year old self again and say F YOU...take a hike, I deserve so much better!!!! Now all I think about is the kids and how this will wreck them!!!
And NOTHING will be easy going through this with him. He will fight me on everything, won't move out, etc. It makes me sick to think about.
Out on a limb looking for something to help me do what I need to do.
16 comments posted: Sunday, August 14th, 2022
Immediate help needed- Vesta Att
I just found a vesta ATT charge on spouses charge card. When I searched google it says this is a pre paid phone service. Does anyone have any information on this??
0 comment posted: Saturday, July 20th, 2019