Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

kiwilee

How bad does it get?

I am at the stage right before filing. It has been hell. He is a complete asshat. No respect, miserable, nasty, won't do anything around the house. He blames me for everything...well you wanted this divorce. As if that is the reason for his shitty behavior. He is a functioning alcoholic (won't admit it), cheater, gaslighter, manipulator, and pathological liar. I want out so bad and can not fathom having to go through possibly another year of IHS. It is hell. He refuses to leave. I'm seriously considering moving out if it gets worse as my mental health is on the line. I am not close to a good version of myself.

I want to fast forward through the pain. It is so bad right now, and I fear it will get worse after I file because he is a toddler man. Literally talked about me eating the last piece of pecan pie for an hour (said I was so selfish, etc). WTF?? It is crazy making the nut job things he focuses on.

Two of our adult children (one is 17) live in the house and can see the crazy, but also love him dearly because he just turned into a nut job the last 3 ish years. So they have a history and strong bond with him. They do not know so much yet...all the lies. He literally goes to the bar almost everyday when he says he is leaving for work. They do not know about the affairs.

I have worked hard to get my ducks in a row and am overthinking so much. I can not predict what will happen, but have been trying to prepare for a lot of scenarios with attorney. I am emotionally ready to make the jump as it is jumping from raging hell fires into the great unknown. so that makes it easier.

My absolute biggest worry/fear is the kids. Even though they are adults (one is 17)..this will fuck them up so bad. I am sure everyone thinks this, but we had an amazing family. Like it really seemed special. My WH and I used to lead marriage classes at church and now this. I trust I will be okay (probably even better) but am terrified of what this will do to the kids.

So tell me what were the hardest stages of this process? Am I in the thick of it? Did things intensify after filing? What are the top 3 things I should do before filing?

4 comments posted: Sunday, November 27th, 2022

I can't hold it in anymore

The holding of all the secret knowledge is killing my physical and mental well being. I feel physically sick from this. I can not take another lie. It is lies everyday about his whereabouts, etc. I am ill from it. I have been doing this tracking of him on and off for 5 months and I just can't do it anymore. Holding all this in so I MAY fare better in settlement even though we are in a no fault state? But at what cost to my health which I place a large value on.

He tells me and the kids that he is going out of town and I see him at the bars all day in town and 2 times with OW at night. This is torture for me.

I want to confront him and just file. So what are best ways to confront? Just serve him papers?

This is so agonizing...this pre part, the last bit right before the trigger is pulled. I would rate myself a 1 on a 1-10 scale of well being. And I am fearful that it will even get darker which is hard to comprehend. Is this the worst part of the process or should I buckle in?

Seriously to those who were able to hold secrets and take lies upon lies everyday, I don't know how you did it. I consider myself a strong person. I can not be lied to one more time. I want to scream and feel like I am going to jump out of my skin.

And I am wrecked with what/how to deal the older kids (2 in house). I am praying and praying. The thinking of how all this will go down is the worst. What was your plan and what would you have done differently if you could?

3 comments posted: Tuesday, October 25th, 2022

Should I hold my cards or play them?

We are headed for divorce. WH wants to mediate, working through that.

I have recent information (100% proof) about cheating but have been advised by attorney to not confront and to keep that information until into the divorce proceedings. It may help with negotiations. We live in a no fault state so evidence is mostly useless except for it shows curt of behavior which when compiled can make a difference to the judge.

I do not want to play games and just want to put it all out there and just tell him I know. I think this MAY cause him a little guilt and empathy and this could work to my favor in starting the divorce. He is so wrapped up in his image and just for him to know I could let this get out out with friend group could make him more willing to help me. On the flip side this all could enrage him and cause him to explode and go extra hard towards taking me down in divorce. It is really 50/50 and I don't know which way to go.

The other thing is in telling the adult children. Our youngest is 17 the other 2 are out of the house. If I am the one to file, I want to be able to say this is why I am doing this!! So they understand what I have endured to keep the family together. I don't want to give details but feel they should know their Dad cheated multiple times, lied 1000's of times and is a functioning alcoholic. I used to see us both sitting down with the grown kids and telling them together. But now I see just me talking to them.

This is eating me up. I know he spent the night at an OW's house recently and I can't keep this in for much longer. I want to get on with my life. I am paralyzed about trying to sort out what to do with all of this info. I just want to have it out, but also need to be very concerned about protecting myself in the future financially and having best relationships with kids. It is so much to sort out mentally. I am in IC and he suggested that it is WH place to have the courage to say I cheated on your mom. He will not do this. He wants to say we grew apart.

I'm consumed by the challenge of how best to handle telling kids and to confront or not daily and just want to get going and what will be will be. On the contrary that seems not smart to make the biggest decision of my life, affecting the kids lives and our financial well being ride on a poorly executed plan.

I do have 2 dear friends I confide in as well and they advise to hold the cards I have for now. My gut says just get it all out and play the cards now. I hate the game playing.

Thoughts?

11 comments posted: Sunday, October 16th, 2022

Fml...back again

15 years later and I want to dissolve this BS marriage. I went through false reconciliation 15 years ago and worked my butt off in IC to forgive. I truly forgave him and he would say he felt forgiven.

Fast forward to 4 months ago when I tracked him unknowingly and discovered he was lying ALOT about his whereabouts. He lied about what time his flight would land and head to the bar. He was in the bar often during the day, rarely at night. The first Dday also was the same as lying about going to the bar and that is where he met someone.

So I confronted him about the lies, about him going to the bar on the regular during working hours and lying to my face ALOT!! I told him I was done and wanted a divorce. He swears that he was not unfaithful again, yada, yada!! Even if he wasn't (which is hard to believe) the lies alone are too much. And we are talking extreme lies.

I have been to a lawyer. I am getting things in order. I know in my heart I am done. But damn I am having a HARD time pulling that trigger and filing. It is not the marriage that has me distraught, it is the breaking up of the family. The thought of it wrecks me. Seriously destroys me! We have adult/ almost adult kids.

He has no remorse. No respect. No empathy. No accountability. I don't even know who the hell he is anymore. I am living in a nightmare and wish to wake up. But I have had my head in the sand the last 3 years when I knew things were messed up again. And I do it in the guise of my family. I am waking up quickly.

He is angry and needs it to be all my fault. He wants me to be the fall guy so he can go around saying I filed, I broke up the family. Poor victim. He refuses to file. And somehow I'm afraid I will be the one left holding the bag of shit! Why...because he is that guy that everyone loves, the helpful, social, likeable guy that no one would believe is capable of this.

Why would a person turn so mean and refuse to do the right thing?

He has been completely checked out of this marriage for 3 years and living a secret bar life. His actions said he is done, so he should be done. He says you said you wanted a divorce, so you do it.

I have never been so completely withdrawn and shut down. (this is not me, I am social and loud and fun and used to be a bad ass!!) I am back in IC recently to work through this and get to a place where I can move forward on a new path. I am terrified of it all. Ive been lied to so much I don't know which way is up.

Will I ever get to a place of peace or do I just have to take that leap of faith???

I want to be my bad ass 20 year old self again and say F YOU...take a hike, I deserve so much better!!!! Now all I think about is the kids and how this will wreck them!!!

And NOTHING will be easy going through this with him. He will fight me on everything, won't move out, etc. It makes me sick to think about.

Out on a limb looking for something to help me do what I need to do.

5 comments posted: Sunday, August 14th, 2022

Fml...back again

15 years later and I want to dissolve this BS marriage. I went through false reconciliation 15 years ago and worked my butt off in IC to forgive. I truly forgave him and he would say he felt forgiven.

Fast forward to 4 months ago when I tracked him unknowingly and discovered he was lying ALOT about his whereabouts. He lied about what time his flight would land and head to the bar. He was in the bar often during the day, rarely at night. The first Dday also was the same as lying about going to the bar and that is where he met someone.

So I confronted him about the lies, about him going to the bar on the regular during working hours and lying to my face ALOT!! I told him I was done and wanted a divorce. He swears that he was not unfaithful again, yada, yada!! Even if he wasn't (which is hard to believe) the lies alone are too much. And we are talking extreme lies.

I have been to a lawyer. I am getting things in order. I know in my heart I am done. But damn I am having a HARD time pulling that trigger and filing. It is not the marriage that has me distraught, it is the breaking up of the family. The thought of it wrecks me. Seriously destroys me! We have adult/ almost adult kids.

He has no remorse. No respect. No empathy. No accountability. I don't even know who the hell he is anymore. I am living in a nightmare and wish to wake up. But I have had my head in the sand the last 3 years when I knew things were messed up again. And I do it in the guise of my family. I am waking up quickly.

He is angry and needs it to be all my fault. He wants me to be the fall guy so he can go around saying I filed, I broke up the family. Poor victim. He refuses to file. And somehow I'm afraid I will be the one left holding the bag of shit! Why...because he is that guy that everyone loves, the helpful, social, likeable guy that no one would believe is capable of this.

Why would a person turn so mean and refuse to do the right thing?

He has been completely checked out of this marriage for 3 years and living a secret bar life. His actions said he is done, so he should be done. He says you said you wanted a divorce, so you do it.

I have never been so completely withdrawn and shut down. (this is not me, I am social and loud and fun and used to be a bad ass!!) I am back in IC recently to work through this and get to a place where I can move forward on a new path. I am terrified of it all. Ive been lied to so much I don't know which way is up.

Will I ever get to a place of peace or do I just have to take that leap of faith???

I want to be my bad ass 20 year old self again and say F YOU...take a hike, I deserve so much better!!!! Now all I think about is the kids and how this will wreck them!!!

And NOTHING will be easy going through this with him. He will fight me on everything, won't move out, etc. It makes me sick to think about.

Out on a limb looking for something to help me do what I need to do.

16 comments posted: Sunday, August 14th, 2022

Immediate help needed- Vesta Att

I just found a vesta ATT charge on spouses charge card. When I searched google it says this is a pre paid phone service. Does anyone have any information on this??

Thanks!

0 comment posted: Saturday, July 20th, 2019

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