leafields ( member #63517) posted at 7:19 AM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022
I use benadryl to help me sleep and some YouTube insomnia videos by Lina Grace. At first, getting sleep is awful! If you need to, ask your doctor for something to help.
Hang in there! So glad you have some time off coming up. Betrayal is worse than losing parents, in my book.
BW, Dday 1: 2/18, Dday 2: 8/19, D final 2/25/21
Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 8:03 AM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022
First thing stuff him! He is a pig 🐷.
You are number one here. He is just brow beating you to believe him. The way he is talking to you us boarder line verbal abuse. Real men don’t abuse women regardless of the conversation.
Eat healthy, drink crap loads of water and walk daily for the stress. Talk to the family pet, never get wrong advice from them. Friends and family are very helpful. Please don’t think you are a burden to them.
If it has been going on for four years then he isn’t a good anything!!
The OBS does have a right to know. Keep that in the back of your mind. Are the children out of the house? As your statement that he has guns is a worry with the reference to the family tragedy. Raise any concerns with the solicitor in your initial conversation you can seek advice at any time.
Focus on one thing at a time and before moving onto the next one, so you can make a informed decision.
Always cyber hugs an
One day at a time.
crumbs ( member #28953) posted at 5:20 PM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022
On the confronting with a compulsive liar (most likely a personality disorder), there is no point in arguing. You will never win those because they won't care how bizarre their stories are, they are NOT going to back down. The first time I discovered, I wasn't prepared, and X knew right away something was up. His story was so wild it would have been hilarious if it wasn't my life. Also, honestly, I thought it might be a wake-up for him and he'd realize I would be watching more closely. And for a few months, it seemed that was happening... But as everyone warns you, they usually just take it further underground and within six months, I knew again. Only this time I was smarter and I gathered the "proof," met with attorneys, got the financial information together, and "faked it" until the end of the school year for son. When I confronted this time, I said, "I'm not going to argue about anything I'm about to say. I know. I have enough proof for everything that it would stand up in any court. I'm not going to tell you what I know, how I know it, or where it is now...you know me well enough to know I don't bluff and I don't lie. I've retained an attorney."
The mistake I made then was I didn't have the attorney ready with my requirements to present while X was in shock himself and more ready to agree to terms. Instead, I moved out to give both of us space, waited a full year to actually file to give him time to "get counseling"...which he never did. By the time I did file, he'd worked himself in righteous indignation, basically stopped working so he could claim "poor" (remember, he's an attorney), and dug in to punish me. It was another three years, two attorneys and one judge quitting, and thousands of dollars to get back to what I would have accepted in the beginning, other than the lack of child support.
Never forget that ultimately, divorce is a business deal and trying to be kind and understanding through the process will not help. You can go back to being your thoughtful self when it's over. For now, once you start the process, everything goes through your attorneys and you take care of you first.
Also, I didn't touch his guns, but I did gather all the ammo and gave it to a good friend who is a police officer, and also gave him a heads-up when the papers would be served, just in case. X never asked about the ammo, so I assume he still doesn't realize it's gone or thought he'd misplaced it himself. It gave me a lot of peace of mind though.
Like you, I lost a TON of sleep for those several years. I decided only to use "natural" products, and just powered through. If I couldn't sleep, I listened to self-help podcasts, audiobooks, or meditations. Even if I wasn't sleeping, it kept me more rested. I took long baths, used calming scents, made my *own* bedroom a haven. I couldn't shut off my thoughts but I learned to manage them in more productive ways.
I'm 63 now. Love my job though it doesn't pay a ton. Have built a network of amazing friends. Son is thriving. I bought a house last year. You have to first let go of all of the fears of what "might happen," and focus on one step at a time. It's a journey but peace of life is so worth it.
DDay 2009Wouldn't stop - Moved out 8/10Divorced 2015 (Divorcing a NPD is no fun)
morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 1:28 AM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022
I have not told kids about their dad, yet. I don't want them to think I abandoned their dad. Remember, they think the world of him. I didn't want to shatter their world.
As you divorce, tell the children the basic facts about why you left him (he was unfaithful, and that violates your wedding vows and your security as a spouse), but don't badmouth his personality or go on about how hurtful he is. Just stick to the facts. Don't try to harm or help their relationship with their father. Set up a custody arrangement, and then accept that their relationship with their father is between him and them (some BS's try hard to prop up a relationship when the WS checks out of parenting, but that's not helpful to the kids, as it trains them to keep seeking a relationship with someone who has emotionally checked out). There is no way to divorce without them having their world changed. It will be a positive thing, however, for them to witness that adultery ends the marriage. You don't want them to grow up believing adultery is not a dealbreaker in a marriage.
MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 3:00 AM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022
Hello Cooley2here, ChamomoleTea, Wool94, leafields, Buffer, and Crumbs!
I am taking notes from your suggestions in various topics. I am really happy I found SI. Reading your stories, your comments, and sharing my feelings are so therapeutic. Good suggestions about Cobra. Will call ins next week.
I have 2 children. 24 & 21. 24 is back home. 21 is away to college.
Will be testing for STD at my next visit. I'm sure I will feel very humiliated. Why did I get married? Stupid! Put my health at risk for his good times. Urrrr. Maybe I need to pick up martial arts? Have that urge to kick again. NVM, I will also get kicked by another BS? LOL.
I've been my vacation time for our upcoming 25th wedding anniversary trip. HaH!! Now putting half of it to good use... to seek a divorce attorney!!
Thank you for your all your support. Words of encouragement like cyber hugs really keep me going.
You tell me it's OK to take one step at a time. Reality is not that simple. Thank you
morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 5:34 AM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022
Will be testing for STD at my next visit. I'm sure I will feel very humiliated.
There is no reason to be humiliated. His adultery is the shame, not your victimhood. When I was tested, I told my doctor that my partner had cheated, and that was why I wanted full-spectrum testing. He was compassionate. Any doctor who is not compassionate under those circumstances should be walked away from and replaced with another, and frankly, shouldn't be practicing medicine.
ShockedAndShattered ( new member #79685) posted at 1:20 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Your WH is taking the coward's way. He wants to keep you and his comfortable life while also enjoying his AP cake. That's just not how it works. If you plan on staying in this relationship, he would need to come clean to you about everything. It doesn't seem like he has the personality or the balls to do that. If you plan on leaving, please keep the info hidden and let him see it when he's served with divorce papers. I wish you all the best. I completely understand how hard this is and how we doubt our own strength. Don't doubt yours. You are in the right. You were the good and faithful spouse. Please don't forget your worth and value. YOU ARE SPECIAL! Wishing you all the best.
BS(me):42 WH:43 Married 3 years @ 1st DD
DDay 1- 9/11/2021 EA 5+ yrs & lies TT
DDay 2- 9/23/2021 EA 2+ years & lies TT
DDay 3- 10/17/2021 EAs 1.5 yrs/5+ yrs
DDay 4- 04/11/2022 Confirmed PA w/1 EA
Currently in R
Wool94 ( member #53300) posted at 3:31 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022
My Dr was so compassionate.
I pray you have that kind of Dr
D-Day #1: April 7, 2016
D-Day #2: May 21, 2016
D-Day #3: June 7, 2016
Her:WW (amn8r) 1981
"God not only loves you, but He actually likes you. "-Stephen Hooks
"My faith is mine now."
leafields ( member #63517) posted at 4:12 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022
My kids are adults, almost 34, 32 & 27. I let them know that I did the best I could go hold the family together as long as I could, but couldn't do it any longer. They understood, and they knew infidelity was the dealbreaker. I let them know that their relationship with their dad was now up to them. If help them with whatever they needed to continue the relationship.
Your kids are old enough to make their own decisions. They may surprise you. My boys were so supportive of me and I appreciated their support. It's ok to allow them to be there for you during this time.
BW, Dday 1: 2/18, Dday 2: 8/19, D final 2/25/21
Tortured ( member #52141) posted at 6:04 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022
Sorry you are here.
Like you my WH was unaware that I had found out. I had nine days between finding out (small tip of iceberg) before the carnage started. Now I look back and I’m utterly grateful for those 9 days as I got to see him manipulate me and lie. Had I not had those days I don’t think I would have believed the extent of the manipulation in the same way. As painful as it is use them to your advance. Prepare yourself fully (as much as you can) before the big revel. That also means taking backups of files, important documents and photos. If you think he will explode then move them to another address entirely with some clothes. Any sentimental items etc in case as well.
Get yourself not just the attorney in place but counselling started. Have the intro sessions so they are briefed beforehand. You will need it for your sanity as the lying you see now is likely to escalate.
I’m pleased you have found here. Unfortunately I did not have all these resources to hand as I only found this site months later.
Do not play the pick me dance. Ever. Read up on the 180 and know how to implement it. Remember you are new to this so listen to the great advice of those who have been around a while. Most of the time, a lot of this is textbook stuff even though we feel our situation is a bit different, the patterns are similar.
And lastly be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for believing him. We are supposed to believe our partners. Again this period where you get to see him manipulate you is gold for understanding that he is not the person you thought he was. It’s ok that you loved the person you thought he was. Unfortunately that person just doesn’t exist.
Him: WH (serial)
DD: Nov 2015 (and so much trickle truth that I would be listing a month a DDays)
Sep: Dec 2016
MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 8:22 PM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022
Hello morningglory, ShockedandShattered, Wool94, leafields, and Tortured,
I only feel humiliated bc Dr. delivered both babies; always asked about H every time I see him. You are right; I should not feel that way. Dr. is very compassionate.
I think that is what I am hoping? That H is remorseful and willing to come clean; confess from his own guilt. Again, you are right. He has no balls and not doing it. He continues to be sneaky with his phone.
The hardest thing is to see his continual manipulations and lies now for more than 2 months now. I did reach out to attorney and made an appointment. His paralegal told me over the phone to try not to do anything different or suspicious until we meet. They will guide me what to do and what not to do. Its so hard. Bc I really want to punch and kick this cheater; I cannot stand the way he acts and pretends like nothing has happened. He can tell he's trying to sweetened me up waiting for the dust to settle before he continues again. Taking me for a fool. Looking back, this may not be his first. I had my first suspicion 10 years ago with a different OW.I too got a jackpot... serial cheater. Thank you everyone for sharing your painful experiences and helping me through mine.
Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 1:44 AM on Thursday, May 5th, 2022
Taking me for a fool. Looking back, this may not be his first. I had my first suspicion 10 years ago with a different OW.I too got a jackpot... serial cheater.
First of all you are not a fool for loving, trusting and wanting to believe in your husband. I wouldn't expect you to feel any differently. He is the one who is the fool.
But I also get what you mean about feeling like a fool. There were times when I wanted to kick myself in the butt for believing him when he outright lied to me over and over again.
And yes, those suspicions were your gut feelings telling you that something wasn't right. I remember those moments so clearly. I still am having new realizations. And now I think to myself, wow, I missed that one too. But what is good is that what he did doesn't have the same effect on me today as it did when everything started to unravel. I now can look at it with very little emotion.
I'm sad though (and to be expected) partly because he died and also that he could hurt me so deeply. But what he did doesn't have much of an effect on me today because it wasn't about me and time does have a way of healing these wounds. But I am different today, in a good way and not so good. He really hurt me. Protect yourself from yours. He is dangerous to your emotional state and your soul and can cause some serious damage.
It's crazy when we begin to come out of denial and those mismatched puzzle pieces that wouldn't fit before, start fitting perfectly together.
I had quite a few suspicions over the years. I allowed him to convince me that what I was feeling and thinking were my insecurities. And I believed it! I also didn't want to believe that he would ever cheat on me and that he loved and believed in me like I loved and believed in him too.
I remember one time he took 30 days off from work just to convince me that he wasn't cheating on me. But the truth is that he was cheating on me and I pushed aside what I knew to be the truth. He was my love and I didn't want to believe that my love could do this to me.
Keep allowing those truths to come to you and you will be amazed what will come to light. But what is good is that time does heal those wounds. Maybe not 100%. What you are going through right now won't last forever, especially the intense emotions.
There will be a time when this horror that you are having to deal with right now will eventually be in your rear view mirror.
[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 1:50 AM, Thursday, May 5th]
Wool94 ( member #53300) posted at 9:17 AM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022
You're definitely not the fool. You're taking action. A fool cheats on his spouse. We're all in your corner!
D-Day #1: April 7, 2016
D-Day #2: May 21, 2016
D-Day #3: June 7, 2016
Her:WW (amn8r) 1981
"God not only loves you, but He actually likes you. "-Stephen Hooks
"My faith is mine now."
MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 5:04 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022
Hello Hurtmyheart and Wool94,
He is just a good manipulator too. He set up his stories weeks in advance then execute. But when I found out it's already done. He's always several steps ahead of me. I'm so tired. This is not a marriage. Playing this game. His stories were so good. Too realistic. I don't have the time or energy to follow through each day to sneak up on him. This is so exhausting. Reading your posts really help give me strength. Thank you!!
Countingsheep65 ( member #56000) posted at 5:31 AM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022
It’s just frigging amazing how he acts like all is good isn’t it?
If you know your going to go for divorce, don’t say one word or lead on that anything is wrong.
The anger in you is going to build like you wouldn’t believe, just looking at his stupid face and laying in the same bed listening to him breath.
If it builds to where your going to say something get outside and walk, get away from him.
There’s nothing more rewarding then serving them with divorce papers and them having no idea it’s coming.
It’s really hard when you have no one to talk to about this, it also builds the anger.
Sorry this POS has done this to you…sending you strength. Keep your head on straight.
MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 12:34 AM on Sunday, May 15th, 2022
Thank you Countingsheep65. You get me!
My anger keeps building up. Can't take it anymore. So I pressed for confession, but NO. He tried to convince me that it was all in my head. All these questions stressed him out and put a strain on our marriage. If I kept on, he will have to divorce me bc I have driven him crazy with my false accusations. Accusing him of things he told me a million times he did not do. Then the next day, he told me the business is in trouble, of course it is, he neglected that as well as his family. He said maybe divorce is a good option since it would protect me financially should something happens to him. He even suggested if we do go that route that we draw up our own agreements. So we won't spend thousands of dollars on lawyers. He swore to me there is no OW but doing this for "us".
Idiot does not know I have so much evidence on him that he would probably choke if ever shown!! He's really playing mind games with me. But the business part not doing well is very true. His employees call me bc their paychecks were wrong. Uggg. Grow up!!please!! I'm so frustrated with this man.
I have read your profile post many times. It speaks to me! Very encouraging and comforting!!! Thanks!
ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 2:49 AM on Sunday, May 15th, 2022
Have you seen an attorney yet? There's no way I'd do some kind of home settlement. I mean, it's not unheard of for cheaters who are planning ahead to deliberately manipulate their earnings history in order to pay less in divorce.
BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7
No one can make you into a liar but you.
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:19 AM on Sunday, May 15th, 2022
You don’t need proof or evidence.
You don’t need a reason to D.
Simply telling him I’ve had enough of this charade and it’s time to D is enough.
You owe him NOTHING!!
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 5:34 AM on Sunday, May 15th, 2022
All we want is some honest confirmation
What we get is more lies, denials, everything but the calm truth.
You will not get calm truth from him. You will get games.
You can exhaust yourself trying or waiting. In the end you arrive at the same place only more stressed and tired. Let it go with a deep exhale. The chaos leaves your life. Your eyes are open and a new path is before you. What he says matters not. It will not change where you are going. Be calm. Be wise. Know you are going to a good place.
Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.
H3LL0 ( member #47872) posted at 7:50 AM on Sunday, May 15th, 2022
When he's still cheating he's in what we call the fog. This could be likened to a drug user. He will lie and cheat and steal to maintain his fix. He will turn any accusation back on you and then accuse you of being crazy. The act of cheating will rip the heart out of trust. You know this man for decades but your trust is less than that of you trusting a thug walking behind you in a dark alley. You have more control than I did, I was a hacker so as soon as I knew stuff was going on I pwned every electronic device in our home. I'd monitor all of her electronic communications as she was doing them including encrypted ones. I'd then contact the other men and tell them to go away. Just like a crack addict denied their drugs my wife became physically violent every time some man would tell her that they couldn't meet her because they didn't want drama with me.
I say this stuff because you have to view him as a drug addict. Don't become an enabler.
Consider recording him any time you say something about this with him. Do it surreptitiously if you're in a state that it is legal for single party consent.
I see great benefit to contact spouse of other but be aware you need absolute proof for them and some still lie to themselves.
At the end of the day you need to decide if you are willing to remain in your marriage with him. Those that reconcile successfully generally say they made the right decision and those who divorce also generally say they made the right decision. Both can be emphatic that their way is the right way.
Use this time to find your voice. You are a person, an important person and you are 100% voice in your marriage just as your husband is 100% voice. You are both equals, you are not his subservient. With that said,, don't settle on a solution for reconciliation. It should be all your terms or no deal. It should include your access to all of his communications without having to ask permission, he needs to tell you full disclosure. Either she leaves the company or he does. You may consider traveling with him on trips, he may need to close out some social media accounts etc.
I say this for your consideration if you haven't decided on divorce.
Ensure you eat and drink regularly. Sleep as regularly as possible, my favorite was sleepy time tea. Keep a regular work schedule maybe find a hobby.
You cannot hold all of this in. Consider finding a counselor with 'proven' experience helping couples through this. If you decide not to divorce be sure to ask their philosophy on divorce and reconciliation. There are a couple counselors I found that had a chip on their shoulder against men and always recommended divorce. A great counselor will separate marital problems from the adultery BUT they will not ignore them through the counseling either. It is NOT your fault that he cheated on you. However, there are issues you will have to face to heal your marriage if you choose and some will be action items for you.
I'm not sure the choice to reconcile can really be made till husband comes clean. To prepare you it is rare that they get that come to Jesus moment and confess everything to you. If you choose the path of reconciliation you could be facing rounds of gaslighting and potential reverting. He's coming off of a highly addictive drug. He could go back into remission.
Be careful about playing the pick me game in order to maintain status quo.
Hope this helps. Please look at this post like a buffet, take what you want and leave the rest. I tried to say some things tenderly but I'm sure some may be offended that I pointed out differing philosophies of divorce.
Bluntly I went through hell but chose to reconcile and not divorce. It saved my family and my wife is a better woman now afterwards. Without sugarcoating, it came at a cost to myself. 7 years later I'm still struggling. Thankfully it is no longer raw and volcanic eruption of pain and emotions. It is no longer a minute by minute prayer just to make it through the day. It is now every several months and on some holidays. Was reconciliation worth it? I don't know yet for me but it was for my wife's and children. I wish you the best and so sorry you have to be here, you're not alone.
Me: BS, 41 Her: WS, 35
Married 19 yrs; DDay 3/2015
2nd DDay 4/2015 3rd DDay 5/2015, Breach of NC 4/2016, 9/2016, 10/2016, 12/2016
Started Real Reconciliation Feb/2017