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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
Good liar!

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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 2:05 AM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

The only person I told IRL is my sister.

I don't trust him. So I'm sure he's a few steps ahead of me. Thanks for the warning.

MS

posts: 25   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8732397
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 2:06 AM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

All files are backed up in cloud.

MS

posts: 25   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8732398
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 4:32 AM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

Get STD tested and stop having sex with him. Use excuses until you've openly broken up. Remember, from a medical perspective, you've had (and are having) sex with whoever he's had sex with.

Make a consultation appointment with a good family law attorney to discuss what your next steps should be legally and financially, and then FOLLOW the attorney's advice. Retain the attorney in preparation for divorce.

Have your husband served divorce papers without talking to him about it first. That reduces his ability to manipulate you. Be businesslike about the divorce. Your goal is to protect your own interests and get out of that toxic marriage.

Go no contact and stay no contact. This is the easiest and fastest way to heal and find joy in life again. Believe it or not, you WILL 100% get over him and no longer miss him, once you've been completely no contact for several months.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8732418
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:34 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

My friend was in a similar situation (wanting to D her H) but he had rage issues. So she moved out when he wasn’t home and then told him after the fact.

She only took what she needed. Not stuff for kids.

He’s been a nightmare to D but at least she doesn’t have to deal with him face to face.

You need a solid exit plan. And you need to get help from people who will protect you as you are moving out.

Your attorney can help arrange this. You may need to hire movers and security help for move out day.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8732441
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:23 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

Cloud accounts are hackable. But a portable hard drive/solid-state-drive/thumb drive and back up your files to that device, too. Maybe give one to your lawyer for safe keeping.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27082   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8732484
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Wool94 ( member #53300) posted at 6:12 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

You've gotten some excellent advice!

Please start working on getting out now.

We're all pulling for you and want to help in any way we can.

D-Day #1: April 7, 2016
D-Day #2: May 21, 2016
D-Day #3: June 7, 2016
Me: 1975
Her:WW (amn8r) 1981
Son 2006
Daughter 2009
"God not only loves you, but He actually likes you. "-Stephen Hooks

"My faith is mine now."

posts: 3810   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2016   ·   location: Roll Tide Country 🇺🇸
id 8732502
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 6:31 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

Wow. Thank you so much:
morning glory, The1stWife, Sisson, and Wool94.
You all helped so much.
I have a question...I am the subscriber for our family health insurance, H has chronic health issue... right? I'm so worry about his health and making sure he is healthy and functional to work , but instead he goes screwing around!@@
I have not told kids about their dad, yet. I don't want them to think I abandoned their dad. Remember, they think the world of him. I didn't want to shatter their world. So will the divorce cut him off of all medical coverages?

Back to comment about getting STD, I have not done that. I will make appointment. These are things I don't think of. Thank you for looking after me. Really, So angry and just want to tell him stop with all the lying.

MS

posts: 25   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8732510
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 6:53 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

I think the fact that you care about his health after he so casually disregarding your own speaks volumes about the wonderful person you are. However, there are consequences to the choices we make. One of his consequences may be losing health coverage and he has no one to blame but himself. These are his consequences; do not deny them for him. He needs to feel every single one.

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a two year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 207   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8732517
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KoalaCritter ( new member #80266) posted at 7:38 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

I am so sorry MeSherlock, that sounds horrendous. I hope you keep yourself safe as the massively biggest priority. I don't have any advice, what the others say sounds right. I want to say I am on your side here supporting from the UK though. smile

posts: 3   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8732521
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crumbs ( member #28953) posted at 8:19 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

Sherlock - These are the types of things that can be used as leverage during the process. My ex was determined that he would pay me "nothing" and went full scorched earth (he's also an attorney, but not in family law), dragging our divorce out for several years and tens-of-thousands of dollars. (Much he ended up having to pay himself.) My attorney was very good, but the system isn't perfect, and I finally decided on what was most important to me and our son. (He's now 23.) Keeping my son in private school, having his college covered with housing, and his health insurance were the lines I wouldn't cross. So...I gave up a LOT (and I was already in my 50's) in order to insure what was most important to me was nailed down. In fact, I moved out of the house and "gave it" to him, moving into a smaller condo. Mentally, I knew I couldn't handle living in the same space for years and it allowed him a "win" to save face.

My X was dx with NPD. I know that's thrown around a lot, but getting yourself into IC will help SO MUCH to understand the different traits and pitfalls these personality types use to manipulate you. My X threated a lot, but ultimately I came to understand that his reputation in the community was more important to him than anything else, so there was no way he would "lower" himself to physically hurt us, no matter what he threatened. I gave up alimony & most child support for him continuing to pay son's expenses. Yes, I will probably work the rest of my life since I basically started over, but in the end, it has been SO WORTH IT!

My X also had medical issues and the divorce meant he had to go on the open-market for his coverage. (He also covers son.) Fortunately, you can still get coverage now with preexisting issues so though it's expensive for him, he does have coverage and son will until he graduates college this fall.

People, and even some attorneys, will paint a rosy picture of what you may get after a long-term marriage, but it's usually not that simple. Talk to several attorneys (I had to change mine mid-process because he was intimidated by my x), and select the one who is most honest with you. Decide the absolute non-negotiables for you, ask for a lot more, then negotiate down to what you won't budge on.

Your kids are old enough to know the truth and don't be surprised if they already know more than you expect. My son loves his dad but he also knows exactly who he is. He also knows that as long as his dad is covering a lot of his expenses, dad will use that for control, so my son has done a lot to set himself up for not needing that help as soon as he graduates. It really isn't doing adult kids a big favor to have them dependent for years on their parents no matter the circumstances. I bought him his car & pay the insurance, furnished his apartments & gave him spending money, but that will end as well. The funny part is his long-term plan is to get to where he can afford for me to live with him...which I love the thought but don't ever plan to take advantage of ;-)

DDay 2009Wouldn't stop - Moved out 8/10Divorced 2015 (Divorcing a NPD is no fun)

posts: 78   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2010
id 8732529
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:55 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

You cannot continue to lie for you lying cheating H.

Your children deserve the truth.

You don’t have to have your children choose sides but it is only fair they know you are leaving him b/c he’s cheating.

What happens next is b/c your H is lying & cheating - NOT b/c you were honest.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8732535
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 10:15 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

I feel for you SheSherlock.

Mine told me that if he was accused of acting inappropriately while at work, I had better stick up for him. Otherwise, he would be fired and there goes all of our hard earned money. Yep, he told this to me.

Having multiple partners was his norm, except I so blindly believed that he would never hurt me and he was just making this comment in passing for what he had already admitted to. I get the feeling this is not your WH first affair either.

You already know not to believe anything he says because he is a liar and mentally unstable. Keep these thoughts fresh in your mind and do not allow him to convince you of anything else at this point. He is too deep into his affair to be honest.

Your WH makes me feel uneasy. No telling what he might do once everything is out in the open. I don't like this guy.

posts: 840   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8732556
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Never2late ( new member #79079) posted at 12:35 AM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

Definitely make sure you give a copy of all the evidence to your lawyer.

Based on your comment I'm wondering if Ohio because I know someone loosely associated with an incident precisely as you described.

Stay safe and follow the advice in this thread.

posts: 49   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8732584
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 1:07 AM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

Hello everyone. Hello HurtmyHeart, The1stWife,Crumbs, KoalaCritter,BigMammaJamma.
You all have given me such valuable advice, tips, and most importantly, point out things about this evil genius I married. I find myself rushing to this forum after work when I find time alone. Not only you helped me but reading each of your stories made me cry. Why did we find love (differently and separately in our own ways)? And how did we all end up here. Feeling the same pain?

I, too, feel uneasy about my H. Not sure what his evil mind is capable of. I hate that i let him wounded my heart.

I will put all pics on drive /SD to have them ready for the attorney. I have been documenting since end of Feb. I have all texts he sent while away on business trip. I have this one memorable text he sent in January 2022, so recent, how there were ice on the road so he decided not to go out for dinner with the group but stay in and go to bed early. That was 7 pm. Telling me that so I wouldn't call later. Which I didn't because he needed his sleep. Well, well, well... the H was actually at beachfront airbnb in sunny Florida. In his toiletry bag was a bottle of generic viagra with 50 capsules left of 100 prescribed from an on line pharmacy. These dates and times were documented. I will keep you all updated after I seek consultation with an attorney. Thank you for all your supporting words. I needed that.

And you are right. My kids deserve the truth. Oh gosh... everything is so painful.

MS

posts: 25   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8732595
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Wool94 ( member #53300) posted at 4:12 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

We can all agree that it is one of the most painful things most of us have been through.

I've recently lost my mother and lost my father 8 years ago.

My wife's infidelity, at the time, was so much worse than anything I've ever felt.

So, how are you?

Are you taking care of yourself?

Are you eating?

Drinking enough fluids? Getting exercise?

Taking care of yourself is often overlooked during this stressful time.

Please take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 4:12 PM, Friday, April 29th]

D-Day #1: April 7, 2016
D-Day #2: May 21, 2016
D-Day #3: June 7, 2016
Me: 1975
Her:WW (amn8r) 1981
Son 2006
Daughter 2009
"God not only loves you, but He actually likes you. "-Stephen Hooks

"My faith is mine now."

posts: 3810   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2016   ·   location: Roll Tide Country 🇺🇸
id 8732716
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 5:20 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

Amazing how they can lie right to you....make you feel like your crazy to question. Mine worked on me for years. I can't imagine the number of lies he has told.

What they want is to have everything their own way. Don't care who they destroy to get it. People like that don't wake up easily. Mine didn't yell on the day I finally had evidence. They went underground instead. Made a fine show of it crying and being clingy and told more lies. Still as arrogant as ever.

Incredible isn't it? His health is his own concern. He wasn't concerned about your health. It's too bad but he's had free will. He just thought he'd get all the advantages of being with you and help himself to wild adventures as well. Don't feel sorry for him. Users always look for sensitive caring people. They think they can manipulate us. We are their supply source.

Now it's time for your happiness. Find a little in each day as you get through this horrible business of getting out. Keep your mind on what a peaceful life looks like for you. Hope you find a lawyer you like. Agreed to know what is most important to you and let lawyer negotiate for it.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2322   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8732729
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 12:56 AM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

Hello Wool94 & pureheartkit,
Thank you both for reminding me to take care of me first. My health first. Eating has improved. Sleeping has not. I find myself waking up in middle of night and think about how I'm sleeping on my side of the bed and he is on his side. But can't help to wonder when he's with OW, did they hugged each other and have sex all night? Then I got pissed, and wanted to kick him off the bed. Told myself count to 100 and breathe. This is so unlike me to have such violent thoughts. That ended any chance falling back to sleep. I laid awake until its time to get ready to go to work.
Speaking of work, I am HAPPY to announce I asked for 10 days off in May. Not telling my H. I was going to make all these appointments on my to do list. Like Attorney / consultation 😀. I need legal advice, as everyone suggested. I need to stay cool until I have a plan. Keep talking to myself, thinking of next steps... BTW, the evil side of me wants to contact OW's husband so she can get her butt kicked too. Think that's a good or bad idea? OMG this is why I can't sleep.

You are so right. It is time for my happiness. He sure didn't give a damn about my health.
Until my next update..

MS

posts: 25   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8732825
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:37 AM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

Of course the obs needs to know but not until you have your ducks in a row. Then provide all the info you have.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3296   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8732841
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:44 AM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

I have a question...I am the subscriber for our family health insurance, H has chronic health issue... right? I'm so worry about his health and making sure he is healthy and functional to work , but instead he goes screwing around!@@
I have not told kids about their dad, yet. I don't want them to think I abandoned their dad. Remember, they think the world of him. I didn't want to shatter their world. So will the divorce cut him off of all medical coverages?

Your attorney can probably give you more information, but typically, divorcees are eligible for COBRA. That would be a continuation of coverage for a limited amount of time at additional cost, but it will likely be enough to keep him covered until he can make other arrangements. I know. People are going to tell you that he's not your problem anymore, and you know what?... they're RIGHT. 👍
But we're only human and your brain is conditioned to care about what happens to him. These things take time.

It'll be okay. ((hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8732850
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Wool94 ( member #53300) posted at 6:55 AM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

Of course the obs needs to know but not until you have your ducks in a row. Then provide all the info you have.

- Cooley2here with excellent advice.

We always recommend that you tell the obs (other betrayed spouse). In your case, I would hold off until it's safe.

Now let's get back to you.

Have you spoken to your physician? They can help with sleeping and anxiety. You should also get checked for STDs. I can't remember reading if you've done that yet.

Don't be embarrassed, they've probably heard every story in the book.

This is on your husband, not you.

One thing that helped me was that I was into martial arts.

It gave me a way to get my frustrations and anger out. It's nice to be able to walk in somewhere, spar for 30 minutes to an hour and leave exhausted.

Plus you're getting to kick people and not worry about going to jail. laugh laugh laugh win win!

One last thing, confide in as many people as you need to.

The more people that know, the more people you can have watching your back.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 6:56 AM, Saturday, April 30th]

D-Day #1: April 7, 2016
D-Day #2: May 21, 2016
D-Day #3: June 7, 2016
Me: 1975
Her:WW (amn8r) 1981
Son 2006
Daughter 2009
"God not only loves you, but He actually likes you. "-Stephen Hooks

"My faith is mine now."

posts: 3810   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2016   ·   location: Roll Tide Country 🇺🇸
id 8732863
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