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Newest Member: Issyibbitt

Just Found Out :
After 9 years of R, I just got the 'oh I think I'm polyamorous afterall!' talk. At marriage counselling. Out of nowhere.

Topic is Sleeping.
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 11:35 PM on Sunday, February 5th, 2023

Glad to hear things are going well. Great update!

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3476   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8776320
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 12:58 PM on Saturday, March 4th, 2023

Had a rough day today. Despite me moving on and feeling good about life, I still get fixated on the effect it has had on my kids, and the sheer audacity of my ex-WW's actions. Knowing what turmoil it put ALL of us (including extended family) through to heal and forgive her, she went and had another series of affairs 9 years later. I remain very angry at myself for allowing myself to be fooled.

I broke down in tears today because I called my 94-year old grandmother (she's very with it!) and she said, 'love I wasn't going to tell you this, but it still upsets me. Over Christmas I asked one of your twins what they wanted to be when they grew up (my twins are just 6); and xxx told me, "I want to be a proper Mum." This obviously broke my heart in two.

Ex-WW had to drop a book off for my daughter this morning and I noticed when she pulled up that she didn't pull into my driveway, and she parked around the corner. I peeked out my window to find her new bf sitting in the front seat of her car. Bear in mind this isn't the AP, this is a guy on her course who was taking my girls out for hot chocolates and to the park mere THREE weeks after I kicked her out 8 months ago. That would indicate to me that she was in at least ANOTHER EA with this guy to be dating him so quickly after D-Day2.

I know it shouldn't upset me, and I know she's an absolute nightmare that I should be happy to have lost, but it still hurts. Just wanted to vent anyway.

posts: 313   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8780748
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 3:20 PM on Saturday, March 4th, 2023

You wrote, Bear in mind this isn't the AP, this is a guy on her course who was taking my girls out for hot chocolates and to the park mere THREE weeks after I kicked her out 8 months ago

How fitting hot chocolate after he helped shat on their family.

Was your WW there when this happened or was OM alone with your girls!!?

There are OMs who get involved with WWs mostly to get closer to their children can you prevent this legally

posts: 1487   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8780753
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 9:03 PM on Saturday, March 4th, 2023

First, you can't predict the future. Your W looked like a good long-term bet, but she turned out not to be. That's on her, not on you.

Second, you started this thread less than a year ago. Healing takes time. Of course you still hurt. Bad days happen. They'll probably happen less and less frequently as you heal. But please give yourself time to mourn the loss of what you thought and hoped you had.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29994   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8780797
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 10:37 PM on Saturday, March 4th, 2023

Vent away. This all takes time. You are healing and you are moving forward. This is just a speed bump. Grieve, take a minute, and before you know it you will be seeing sunnier days.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6024   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8780802
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:59 PM on Saturday, March 4th, 2023

Your WW would have taken this deal in a second: remain happily married to you, maintain the family, with of course the condition and you acquiesce to her periodically having her fun on the side. In her mind, the great compartmentalizer that she is, I’m sure she was shocked that you didn’t jump at this great deal.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8780812
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 9:15 AM on Monday, March 6th, 2023

Thanks for the messages everyone, it is really appreciated. I had a really bad day today, and had a semi-breakdown at work. Why you ask?

@survrus: Funny you mention the OM...

I found out yesterday from some work colleagues that know OM, that the reason he broke up with his wife on the same course my wife was on was...wait for it...infidelity. Any prizes for guessing who the OW was?

So this is a relatively new fact that made me shake with anger and sadness in equal measure. Originally I thought my ex-WW moving on with another OM (this guy isn't the original AP remember) was out of some narcissistic need to not be alone post-me kicking her out. Turns out she was screwing AP up until March 2022, and then proceeded to move onto this guy (with an attempted round of talking to people on the dating apps that I caught her on in between which had led to the original MC). We were literally sitting in MC from Apr-Jun, telling the therapist all the things we could do to fix our marriage while she was actively destroying another family by moving onto the next available workmate. It's actually beyond sick. It's mortifying.

It's like a demon is wearing my wife's body: she looks like my ex-wife, she speaks like my ex-wife, I hear her mucking around with the kids on video calls like my ex-wife - and yet I don't know who it is anymore. Some simulacra of the person I once loved, except this model comes without morals or shame.

I called her today about some things with the kids and I admit that I lost it. I regaled her with all of the above and all she could say over and over again was, 'it isn't true, it isn't true! That's not what has happened!' I repochaged with, 'it's funny how it's always everyone else that is wrong, it's always me that was wrong - and yet everything you have denied has since been proven true. Your words are wind and mean nothing.' I also mentioned that as the girls grew up, they were going to realise (with no help from me, I won't talk bad of her) EXACTLY what happened, and that she should prepare for their reaction as such. She has no framework to realise what the effect of divorce owing to infidelity is on children, and the burden that they carry into adulthood. My father cheated on my mum and walked out at the same age my ex-wife did now. I know the outcome better than most.

I also asked her whether sleeping with married men and destroying their families was a hobby she enjoyed? I don't think she liked that.

@sisoon, Bearlybreathing, and Dude67: Thank you for your kind words. I know it takes time to heal and I am trying to allow myself to feel that, but being so disrespected by the person you vowed to be closest to is just a colossal knife in the back that I can't pull out.

This sucks so much. I thought after 8-9 months that I'd be well and truly ambivalent to her (past) actions by now. To be honest, it's what she's done to the kids (and the OM's ex-wife and kid ) that saddens me the most. Not to mention the family she hurt back in 2013 either.

I need a wine....

posts: 313   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8780930
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 9:49 AM on Monday, March 6th, 2023

Your reaction was kinda normal and expected. This is actually another dday for you. So yeah, you felt hurt and lashed out on her. I am baffled by how did you put up with her for past 9 years. Anyway, you are free now from that demon who has consumed your wife. This is really good thing. One day at a time, I guess.

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8780931
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 11:17 AM on Monday, March 6th, 2023

I agree that your reaction was normal and very understandable. She is a deeply broken, dysfunctional person (those are the nicest words I can think of; many less nice ones come to mind). I’m sorry that you have to coparent with her and can’t make a total break, but I would keep whatever distance and NC I could, with communication to the bare minimum. Let yourself grieve and be upset. It’s normal.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 630   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8780934
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 1:19 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

It's definitely got the feel of another D-Day, as much as I'd like to think I am over the sting of those!

An interesting development in the last 24h; ex-WW informed me that on top of her sudden need to take one month's leave (which is very unlike her - work ALWAYS comes first), she needs to go 'off the grid' and won't be in internet reception for the next three days. I have the girls and as far as I can tell, her new b/f hasn't gone with her.

I suspect something has happened at work and she's lying low, as nature has always been her 'happy place'.

Perhaps there are finally consequences to her actions?

I am also aware that she might be having a semi-breakdown; and although it's now not really my concern, I do hope she's ok. Kind of.

posts: 313   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8781119
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:28 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

Your reaction, although understandable, isn’t productive.
You divorced = your wife’s actions are no longer your concern.

Its like if you fired someone from a job for being late 10 days in a row and missing the last 10 deadlines, and then a year later – when they have moved on to another company – realizing it was 11 days and 11 deadlines… He’s just as fired and should be just as distant.

Try this: Next time you hear something like the above raise your hands to the heavens and think "THANK GOD (or whatever deity or power you might lean towards) I AM RID OF THIS PROBLEM!"

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12456   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8781120
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:59 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

HurtHalo, remember this one word, please: INDIFFERENCE!

Change your wife’s name to Indifference in your phone so that the next time you’re tempted to call her and unload on her, you have a reminder.

Better yet, stop communicating by traditional phone and text altogether. They have parenting apps now that are specifically used for coordinating scheduling and relevant communications about the kids. That’s all you need to talk about now anyway.

To reiterate what I’ve said in a previous post, all you’re doing is feeding her ego.

You say: "How could you do this to another family?!"

Her narc brain hears: "He’s angry because he loves me and can’t get over me."

Your ex sees herself as a tragic heroine in a corset-ripper novel. Stop being a supporting character in her never-ending plots.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:00 PM, Tuesday, March 7th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1973   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8781124
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BallofAnxiety ( member #82853) posted at 2:33 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I've read through your posts and you're doing so well! Your kids are lucky to have you.

Have you spoken to the OBS? I've been talking with mine and it has been really healing.

Me: BW. XCH: ONS 2006; DDay 12/2022 "it was only online," trickle truth until 1/2023 - "it was 1 year+ affair with MCOW." Divorced 4/2024.

posts: 142   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8781130
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 3:03 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

I absolutely think you need to know what’s going on with your WW in detail. Her mental health directly affects your kids. In addition, it impacts your co parenting schedule.

As far as being indifferent to whether the chickens are coming home to roost, I agree with that in theory. My opinion is that you need to continue to work through all of this. At some point down the line you very well might, and probably will, get to indifference. However, I wouldn’t put pressure on yourself to get there ASAP. I would let your emotions take their natural course. IC will of course help.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8781133
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 3:52 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

That sort of behavior strongly suggests your WW is battling some sort of deep inner demons of self-loathing and self-destruction. This is no longer your issue directly, but she is the mother of your daughters. Walloping her with vituperative recitations of her string of awful behavior may have the effect of amplifying whatever self-destructive urges she is already feeling.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 4179   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8781142
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 6:51 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

After reading Dude and BFTG's comment, I just wanted to add...

You don't need to be feeling indifferent to your ex at the moment; of course you're hurt. You just need to practice being cool and indifferent toward her. Eventually, your heart will catch up. If you feel like you need to unload on her, I strongly suggest the following thread on the Divorce forum "Stay No Contact - Post It Here 2": https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/623527/stay-no-contact-post-it-here-2/

Also, if your wife really is on the cusp of a mental breakdown, then these "pep talks" from you are not going to help her be a better person or a better mother. Her affairs have cost her her marriage, intact family, and home; they've also sabotaged her career trajectory and sullied her professional reputation. Even if she's a total psychopath, there's no way she isn't feeling the consequences of her actions. If you're worried about your daughters surviving this divorce with minimal emotional damage, the last thing you need is for your ex to completely implode.

Lastly, while your friends and contacts might be well meaning when they share information with you about your ex, I don't think it's in your best interest for you to be fed a steady diet of gossip about her... even if the information is accurate. Seriously, what practical use is it to you that she may have been sleeping with this guy while you were married? You already know she's a serial cheater. You're not trying to choose between R or D. Further evidence of cheating can't get you a better settlement or custody arrangement. Going forward, tell your friends that you don't want to hear anything about your ex unless it's absolutely essential information that could affect the well-being of your kids (ie, she was suspended from work or her latest paramour is a criminal).

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1973   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8781170
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 2:52 AM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Thanks for the comments. I can confirm that her new beau hasn't joined her on her sabbatical; not that it matters much. It certainly leans towards being a bit of a meltdown though. Work always come first for her, for her to leave on a month's leave barely weeks into her new role is unheard of.

I hear what you're all saying, but my concern is twofold: firstly, I want to know if it going to affect my daughters, and secondly, I'm curious to see whether any cracks have finally appeared in her carefully maintained facade of pretending to be the consumate professional that cannot be seen to have faults. I'd like to think it was finally a sense of remorse, but if I was a betting man, I daresay that she's received career news relating to her behaviour that has narrowed her options significantly. I'd like to think it was (as she sort of intimated previously) a delayed response to the trauma of the pending divorce noting she admits 'I had to just put my head down and push it to the side to get through my rigourous course last year' (noting I kicked her out in July), but I doubt it.

Whenever I get sad and start to miss her company, I cast my mind back to the beginning of 2022 when I went to the ER with what I thought was a heart attack (it was 'just' a panic attack - the body evidently keeps score sub-consciously) and instead of running to my bedside to check how I was, she calmly walked up to me in ER and said, 'it's kind of convenient you have a panic attack a few days after I get back from the States for work', before proceeding to still carry out her affair until AP dumped her for another one of HIS APs a mere month later.

The kind of person who could see the partner on a hospital bed at the end of their mental tether - a partner who was devoted to keeping the home fires burning for her to complete her professional courses, while maintaining a FT job and raising three kids - and then doubling down and deciding to carry on with their doomed affair anyway (not to mention before hitting up the dating apps and evidently chasing up her next AP on course a month or so after that) has MASSIVE issues not worthy of bonhomie nor concern. That level of callous disrespect from the person who was meant to love me the most will NEVER be forgotten.

@Butforthegrace: I know exactly what you mean. It felt bloody good to drop some truth bombs on her though...

In terms of indiffernce, come-Saturday I'll be sitting on a deck chair in Fiji with a cocktail in my hand and my new g/f beside me. I hope that will be indifference enough? Hahahahaha!

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 2:59 AM, Wednesday, March 8th]

posts: 313   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8781233
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:35 AM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023

This ER story tells it all.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8781246
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 12:15 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023

That level of callous disrespect from the person who was meant to love me the most will NEVER be forgotten.

I had to maintain regular contact with my ex due to coparenting. We actually coparented well, and the relationship was somewhat cordial. As time passed, even friendly. Once evening about 4 years after the split, after a couple of glasses of wine, she said something that was a query about whether I might consider another go with her. "I'd never give anybody a chance to do that to me twice," I said.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 4179   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8781248
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 7:35 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023

I'm sorry HurtHalo,
What a gutpunch.

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2134   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8781304
Topic is Sleeping.
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