Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 2:09 PM on Tuesday, December 6th, 2022
Like I said in my first post to you, when your spouse asks for an "open marriage", they've typically already peeled a pony out of the pack.
This 100% Chamomile. Of course she had. Pity he broke up with her and she's now left with nothing but shame and the contempt of many who know us both personally and professionally.
Ugh, this is like her "I can’t wait to blow out the candles on your cake next year…" comment.
She really doesn’t understand what divorce means. She thinks this is all going to blow over at some point.
BluerthanBlue, I know right?! She didn't say anything, but she didn't have to. She stormed off straight after and wouldn't talk. Fine with me! I don't know what she thinks divorce entails...
[This message edited by Hurthalo at 2:15 PM, Tuesday, December 6th]
LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 5:43 PM on Tuesday, December 6th, 2022
You've done an amazing job throughout this. And I'm glad to see her little fairy tale didn't work out quite the way she hoped.
Poly= someone who wants their cake and get to eat it too. She got neither.
Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 8:02 AM on Friday, December 9th, 2022
Brothers and sisters, I am ashamed to admit that I stumbled emotionally today. In a big way.
While my girls haven't met my new g/f, they had apparently mentioned her dog (that they have only seen a picture of on my phone - not a picture of my g/f or neither do they know she is considered such) to the WW, and she asked if I was seeing someone. In the sake of transparency I said yes. SHe turned around and admitted that she was also 'seeing a guy off her military university course' and that it was 'early days' as well. Turns out this same guy (caveat: he isn't the AP) was the same course-mate who all-so- chivalrously helped move her into her new place and put together furniture when she moved out. Yeah, pretty convenient. He has met the kids as a 'friend of Mum's' before they recently became romantically linked apparently. WW admitted to me today that she went on a FB 'stalk' to find out who my new g/f was etc. Odd.
I of course lost my proverbial emotionally finding this out today. On top of that, I got rear-ended late last night in my car at a roundabout, and have just felt woefully sad all day. I know I shouldn't; I have an amazing new g/f who I am very happy to have started seeing, but to me, this finally felt like 'it'. It was the realisation that our friendship and marriage was finally over.
And you know what? I don't want to see her again. Ashamedly, I told her as much, and that I was sick of having to put on a smiling face in front of the kids and co-parent while I stood in the ashes of my marriage and former life. To me; she has suffered no negative repercussions for her horrendous behaviour; she's gotten her freedom while the kids are now in a broken household, my mortgage has ballooned by an extra 400k to pay her out of the family home, and gets to live in a subsidised defence house on the cheap in a nice suburb.
And what hurts me the most is that I have already lived this. My father cheated on my mother when I was the same age as my youngest. My three siblings were left with the confusion of seeing my mother cry, and our father gone. Now I[m in the same boat, except I'm the one that is crying, and my three kids are left in a broken home trying to make sense of it all.
I told her tonight that I wanted nothing more to do with her, that I was sick of trying to be a civil co-parent by her side when she had so casually cast me aside twice for APs. I told her that I considered the last decade a 'lost' decade, and that I should have taken the hint the first time around 9 years ago and cut my losses accordingly. She beggged me not to think this way. I coldly told her that going forward, I wanted her to only contact me in case of an emergency with the kids or to finalise finances, and that all correspondence needed to be done by email going forward, or phone call for something important. I blocked her from all socials accordingly. I told her I needed time to forget her. She apologised and said she would abide by my wishes. For all my chutzpah, I have spent more nights than I care to admit bawling my eyes out at what I've lost, and what she ultimately became.
I know this is the right thing going forward, I know I don't deserve this. But it still hurts. As bad as her behaviour was, she was my best friend and confidant, and I do miss her. As dumb as that sounds.
Anyway....onwards. I'm more ashamed that I reacted the way I did, it took me by surprise. I needed to vent at any rate, so thanks for listening. As always.
[This message edited by Hurthalo at 8:07 AM, Friday, December 9th]
Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 10:12 AM on Friday, December 9th, 2022
Vent if you need to brother. It is better than holding it in.
Yes he was in the wings. Cheaters lie a lot.
One day at a time
Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 11:12 AM on Friday, December 9th, 2022
It’s healthy and good to cry over what you’ve lost. She betrayed you and wasted years of your valuable life with her lies and deceit. She hurt your children. Those are serious losses that are worth grieving. Let yourself grieve.
You also have a new freedom and a new life that isn’t based on lies. A new relationship to be excited about. When feelings of joy cone in, let yourself feel those, too.
I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through.
Husband of 20 years had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Two teenaged kids. Reconciling.
Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:44 AM on Friday, December 9th, 2022
Best friends don’t stab one another in the back. You may have classified her as your best friend, but she didn’t consider you her best friend. Best friends is a two way street.
She got over this D and moving on to her next AP quite easily. It your best friend by a long shot. Many self serving narcissists have a lot of so called friends, but it is all superficial. They care only about themselves.
Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 12:50 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022
I think the real end to any relation is INDIFFERENCE. Only when your are indifferent to what she does and what happens to her is the day you truely checked out of her life. This takes time. It's too early for you. You recently divorced her. Your emotions and feelings are still raw. I bet even she felt disturbed when she found out you were dating someone and that person is way better than her. I bet she is even crying somewhere. Right now you need to focus on you and your new relation. Harboring such feelings for your ex is not safe for your and your new girlfriend. I pity your ex's new bf. She still has lot to work on herself. She is still unsafe for anyone. I don't think this new guy realizes who he is involved with. If he is just like her and in for the fun then their relation will end before it becomes serious. You need not worry about her facing consequences of her actions. Until and unless she becomes a better and safer person her future relations are fucked. You just focus on you, your kids and your new gf.
Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 12:59 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022
I bet even she felt disturbed when she found out you were dating someone and that person is way better than her. I bet she is even crying somewhere.
She went on a self-confessed 'social media stalk' looking for my new G/F. On the other hand, I don't give a flying proverbial who her new guy looks like. He's welcome to her.
I pity your ex's new bf. She still has lot to work on herself. She is still unsafe for anyone. I don't think this new guy realizes who he is involved with. If he is just like her and in for the fun then their relation will end before it becomes serious.
Fearing I was being bad mouthed, I actually asked her whteher she was telling people the truth as to why she was newly single. She said, 'it's amazing being able to talk to someone and be completely open about who I am.' I responded, 'what, a serial cheat? Does your new 10-years-older b/f realise that at 38, you've never had a relationship you've never not cheated in? He's cool with that fact?' Silence, of course.
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:05 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022
What you are experiencing is quite common IMHO.
In my posts I have emphasized detachment. Your happiness should not be dependent on what she’s doing, but rather what YOU are doing.
I find it very common that people want to divorce as friends. That the process that is in it’s root a conflict isn’t allowed to be a conflict. It’s extremely rare that couples divorce because they get so well along. It’s a lot more common that people divorce because of conflict and not being able to align on the same track.
If you know anyone that divorced from a childless marriage some years ago then the chances are that person is in no or extremely limited contact with the ex. It’s not (necessarily) because of conflict or hate, but just the way things go. They divorced because they didn’t want to be together. They just drift apart.
If you know someone that’s divorced with kids… After some time, the contact is parenting-based. It’s common that the first years after divorce there is some attempt made to be together as a family for holidays, but that starts to get thin when "uncle" Joe (mom’s new friend) starts carving the turkey.
Only we tend to think there are only two options. We can be friends or we can hate each other’s guts. We tend to forget the third option: That we can just go live our lives, and when we are forced to interact it’s on issues where we have a common goal. That goal usually regarding parenting. On big issues (like should Jack get tutoring to not flunk a grade, or Jane was caught with a bag of weed) the parenting goals are quite clear and a sensible discussion on actions is needed. On minor issues (should Jack be allowed to play videogames on school-nights when with his mom) its HER issue, and you just have YOUR rules. Would be better to be united, but not worth the emotional hassle IMHO.
With time you detach enough that the need to be defensive or argumentative fades. Doesn’t mean that you and your possible-then wife or GF will have your ex and her possible husband(s) (who knows – being polyamorous…) over for dinner and drinks, but it will hopefully make it a non-issue for Jack or Jill to decide whether they should invite mom or dad to their wedding reception.
My suggestion: Just detach. Minimize contact. Get used to not having her in your life and your emotional thoughts. When she does contact you focus on the task – it should be parenting related. If she makes any other attempt to connect keep it simple: "This ending of our marriage was not due to reasons I wanted or caused. I am still too emotionally hurt by what happened and need time before I want any interaction with you other than what’s needed for parenting"
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 1:15 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022
She is still so self absorbed. I don't understand how you put up with her all these years. Weird how she could openly talk about who she is with everyone but you.
Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:09 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022
HH, your rational side knows she is poison but your emotional side(that is from a different part of your brain)is still attached to the fraudulent part she played. One day you will wake up with something nagging you and you will realize it was your anniversary, her birthday etc and they would have been days or weeks ago. You will not care anymore. Someone mentioned indifference and it comes on gradually.
Please enjoy this new life you have and give a proper burial to the old one.
Since you mentioned your childhood trauma of your father leaving you might need to discuss with a therapist any lingering pain from that.
The fact that she immediately told you about her new bf is because she wanted to cause you pain and it worked. You erupted. Don’t feel guilty. Your anger is a strong, driving force to move you along. Use it to gray rock her.
[This message edited by Cooley2here at 2:13 PM, Friday, December 9th]
When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis
BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 4:37 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022
I don't think you have anything to be ashamed about with your last conversation with her; in fact, I think that it needed to happen in order for you to finally set firm boundaries with her and sever the last remaining emotional ties with her.
As I've said in other posts, your wife is self-centered and delusional. She thought this was all going to blow over after a few months. Now you've delivered a very unpleasant wake up call. You needed to say it; she needed to hear it.
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried
I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.
gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 5:36 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022
Going NC save for children emergencies was exactly the right move. As they say, "No new contacts = no new hurts". Total NC also positions you to shortest healing timeline. I’d be tempted to message her latest BF asking him whether she’s told him she’s never had a relationship where she hasn’t cheated. I know most everyone here will downvote that, but that’s just me lol.
Hang in there!
LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 7:54 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022
I wouldnt down vote it. Personally I feel any short of illegal and jail time inducing, go for whatever makes one feel good.
SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 8:19 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022
His ex might then start crazy-emailing his girlfriend, tit for tat.
BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 11:09 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022
I’d be tempted to message her latest BF asking him whether she’s told him she’s never had a relationship where she hasn’t cheated.
There's no way that his ex-wife should be given the satisfaction of thinking OP is trying to jeopardize her relationship out of spite and jealousy. Her ego would soar.
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried
I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.
Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 5:25 AM on Saturday, December 10th, 2022
He should not text her bf. That will only bring her life closer to him in a negative way.This will also open can of worms. Seeing how self centered she is, she won't tolerate it and she might retaliate in some ugly way that will only bring more unnecessary drama. This is not how you heal. Their relation is over and we all have to come in terms with it.
Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 9:33 AM on Saturday, December 10th, 2022
I don't intend to converse with her anymore unless it's about the kids or the last tying up of finances.
I did have a think about it today though, it speaks volumes that the first guy she's decided to start seeing is yet ANOTHER workmate, and literally the first person to flutter their eyes at her after said guy helped her move in to her new place. To be fair to him, I think he actually helped her out of being a good guy (he lives around the corner and he's in her uni group at the moment), but it just goes to prove that her need to be constantly validated by male workmates continues. I hope the poor guy knows her background, I'm sure he's been given a very vanilla version of the divorce at any rate. No doubt I have been portrayed as an emotionally stunted shell of a man who 'just never quite got her'.
When I unloaded on her the other night, I mentioned to her that she spent one quarter of our 10 year marriage either screwing someone else, or attempting to. And that's that I KNEW of. She started claiming that the latest AP 'wasn't an 18m affair' and that I was 'mistaken'. I forwarded her all the screenshots of her transcripts of her telling her best friend on messenger when she first slept with him to when she complained of 'dealing with a breakup' with him. Yep, you guessed it, 18m in between. I got a simple 'I"m so sorry' in return. So deep has her compartmentalisation and web of lies been, that she doesn't even know what she's told people anymore.
And while I really don't care, her claim that this new relationship only started 'two weeks ago' is laughable noting she's gone away with him for a week-long holiday this week. I've been seeing my g/f for about the same time, and she hasn't even seen where I live yet, yet alone have we spent a night together! We're barely off the dinner date parts?
My XW can't even lie straight in bed....haha oh well! Guess I'll go drown my sorrows into a glass of wine and toast my new-found fortunes!
[This message edited by Hurthalo at 9:35 AM, Saturday, December 10th]
Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 12:45 PM on Saturday, December 10th, 2022
I don't think she has told him that she is polyamorous. He is fucked. I believe we will have a new member with new thread in JFO very soon.
realitybites ( member #6908) posted at 1:41 PM on Saturday, December 10th, 2022
So deep has her compartmentalisation and web of lies been, that she doesn't even know what she's told people anymore.
It's just so dang weird isn't it? They lie so much, not just the big lies but it can be little lies, anything at all, but they have told so many that they can't or won't tell the truth anymore.
Stop expecting loyalty from people who cannot even give you honesty.
He stopped being my husband the first time he cheated. It took me awhile to understand that I was no longer his wife.