In light of my previous post, I thought it would be worthwhile to give an update.
It has been about 6 months since D-Day(2) and the inevitable end of the marriage. It has been hell, I'm not going to lie, and I have been in some very dark places over the last few months. But in saying that, I am doing really well at the moment, and I have reached a point where I am ambivalent at best and I pity her at worst.
I am currently in the early days of dating a fantastic younger woman who completely understands the current dynamic and what has transpired. She confessed that she wanted to reach out for a while but felt it was 'respectful' (and I will underline that word) to wait until enough time had pased where I wouldn't be a trainwreck of emotions, and would be able to go into a healthy relationship. She is a professional in her field, and she is absolutely stunning. There has been a number of times we are out and people have stopped her to compliment her on her appearance/attire. She's just an all round great catch.
We raised the elephant in the room of when a suitable time would be to introduce her to my children and we both decided that we should wait until the 'honeymoon' phase is over to see if the relationship was going to be serious, as it was only fair to my young daughters that they are not dealt with more confusion noting they are still dealing with the ramifications and disruption of the divorce 6 months on.
This is where things take a turn in regards to my ex-WW. Remember how I mentioned that she was on a year-long academic military course all last year? Well it turns out that she is now dating a much older coursemate (he's 51, she's 38) who just so happened to be the guy who was oh-so-chivalrously helping her assemble furniture in her new place mere weeks after I kicked her out. I have also since found out that they have been dating for MONTHS (the timeline I have been told by military friends is that it started about 3 weeks after she moved out). Bear in mind that this guy isn't the AP, he's someone else entirely. I asked her about this as this guy was imposing himself on my 3 girls from the get-go, and was buying them hot chocolates and taking them to the park mere weeks after we separated. I was told 'he is just a friend who lives around the corner and that I didn't have to worry about him as a romantic partner being introduced to the girls.' A few weeks ago after I informed ex-WW that I was now starting to see one, she confessed that she had 'also just started seeing' her course-mate in a romantic sense. Colour me surprised. Weeirdly, she also told me that she had 'had a good stalk on socials to see who my new g/f was' which made me very uncomfortable. I couldn't even pick her new victim out of a line up, such is my barren field of care in regards to him. Regardless, I told her that the girls were not to be introduced to our partners until things were serious/they had time to adjust, and suggested that 6 months might be a workable timeline. She agreed.
I went to drop around one of my twins shoes on the weekend (it's her week with the kids) and as I was giving them a hug, one of the girls exclaims, 'we met Mummy's friend xxxx new doggy!' I stared at my wife, told the kids to go inside, and I quietly got in the car and told her that I was done with her absolutely selfish behaviour and lies, and screamed off up the street seething.
I rang her later and told her that her behaviour was unacceptable; she could hurt me all she likes, but I wasn't going to stand for her heaping sorrow and confusion on the girls. See also denied that the relationship had been going on for 5 months. I have evidence to suggest that isn't the case at all noting my military cohort were all her instructors on her course, and that info makes its way around accordingly. Either she felt comfortable introducing him to the kids based on the fact they had been dating for a LONG time, or she's completely selfish. She didn't like that suggestion one bit.
An interesting aside though, as I was tearing shreds off her verbally, she said 'you think of me as some unfeeling evil mastermind!!' and I posited that the type of person who could date an affair partner for a year and a half while wanting to 'fix' the marriage she was actively ruining, while at the same time telling/projecting to all of her friends what an A-grade failure of a husabnd I was (hot hint: I wasn't) to justify behaviour; is exactly that TYPE OF EVIL PERSON. I told her that I was sick of taking repeated trickle-truth hits, and that to find that I was replaced merely three weeks after a catastrophic separation was heart-breaking. As my therapist said, 'a person who can happily do this is a sociopath.' I told her this. I also posited that the type of male who would move in on someone (and that's exactly what he was doing, males know the game he was playing) is not a good role model as a partner, or a potential step-parent. She broke down in tears and claimed that 'it wasn't about replacing me'...it just furthers the theory that she, and all cheaters like her, CANNOT live without validation from the gender they are attracted to.
I told her I didn't care what she did, who she saw, or how she ruined her life; but I needed to protect my children from what would likely be an unending carousel of new males in her life. Cue more ugly tears and sobbing from her. She concurred. She also told me that in the last few weeks, 'noting she wasn't having to concentrate on 'getting through course anymore', she had finally started emotionally processing the divorce' and that 'she wasn't doing well emotionally as she realised what she had ruined, and how much she had hurt me for which no sorry would ever be enough.' I told her that her remorse was 5 months too late, and that she was right; no sorry would be enough because it was no longer expected or relevant. She admitted that her doctor has had to up her medication accordingly.
A few days prior, I had told her from a co-parenting POV that I would be in Fiji with my other half in March on the week she had the kids for emergency contact purposes. I'm starting to wonder if this has set her off. Not that I care, but perhaps she is FINALLY realising that I wasn't the person she told her friends I was (and she knows it), and that she has finally lost me....lost me to someone who is her better in nearly every category. I am not going to take pleasure in that, but it goes to show how truly deluded cheaters are.
She had a 90% excellent marriage and she lost everything seeking the extra 10%. As my therapist so well put it, 'from what I observed during your early combined counselling, your marriage had one leaky tap. She invited arsonists in to fix it, and is now wondering why the house burned down.'
There has been no time for introspection for her, no time to review her poor decision making and behaviour; it was just a matter of limerance and dating soneone else nearly straight away. To quote a John Mayer song, "it shouldn't matter but it does."
So true. Oh well, something to mull over in Fiji over a cocktail?! *chortle*
[This message edited by Hurthalo at 8:57 AM, Tuesday, January 17th]