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Newest Member: cobblerock

Just Found Out :
After 9 years of R, I just got the 'oh I think I'm polyamorous afterall!' talk. At marriage counselling. Out of nowhere.

Topic is Sleeping.
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Gracey ( member #79334) posted at 5:45 PM on Saturday, July 22nd, 2023

This is awful and my heart goes out to you. I am in a similar situation although only 4 years out from dday. WH wants marriage and also casual sex with others. Firstly that I feel sick to my stomach feeling does pass. You and your kids are your new priority, take your time and look after them and you

Together 34 years Married. 17 years

posts: 96   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2021   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8800548
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 11:28 AM on Sunday, July 23rd, 2023

It was my birthday the other day and she sent me a voucher with a card saying 'I know this birthday is a tough one, but I love and care for you and can't wait to blow out the candles on your cake with the kids next year.'

Remember this chestnut? My first birthday since that passed the other day. She sent me a 'Happy Birthday' via Messenger.

My reply was: 'Thanks.'

How time flies.

posts: 313   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8800608
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 2:16 PM on Sunday, July 23rd, 2023

Yes it does. Time is one of those constants. Over the years I have had my heart broken by my ex-fiancée; by loved ones dying; by having to move away from friends, etc. One thing I have internalized... 'Time Does Heal'. Maybe not all wounds, but most of them anyway.

I recently read your story. It has been tough for you... especially financially. A person would think that someone should not profit by their infidelity, like your wife did. I am sorry that happened to you.

Just keep being your best self moment by moment and the pain will lessen.

posts: 286   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8800617
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 5:18 PM on Sunday, July 23rd, 2023

@lepprl: Yes it does my friend, so right. I surprised myself tonight by bursting into tears while making the kids' dinner. They didn't see it, but it still happened.

The money really doesn't hurt a tenth like the betrayal still does, even a year later and even noting I have a fantastic girlfriend.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 5:19 PM, Sunday, July 23rd]

posts: 313   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8800632
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 7:44 PM on Sunday, July 23rd, 2023

With respect to your having a fantastic girlfriend... it is great to see that you are moving on and not wallowing in the aftermath mire of being betrayed. Keep on keeping on.

posts: 286   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8800639
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 1:28 PM on Tuesday, August 15th, 2023

G'day gang, just a quick update.

A year has finally passed, and my divorce hearing is in a week. Things are a lot better, although I still have days where I break into tears for seemingly no reason. Happily, they are fewer and fewer between.

You will all laugh, I finally saw/confronted AP the other day - a whole year after this all kicked off. How did this come about you ask? It was literally a chance encounter at the shops.

I was picking up some dinner items with my daughters, when I saw a guy who looked an AWFUL lot like AP lining up to buy a chicken at the self-serve counter. He saw one of my daughters (who obviously knows him from being at Mum's place), and I pretended to not see him. This A-grade germ literally pulled up the hood of the jumper he was wearing to HIDE HIS FACE. By this stage my daughter had skipped off into the lolly/candy aisle oblivious. He swiftly paid for his roast chicken, and practically ran for the door...pulling down his hood as he did so. Bemused, I yelled out 'oi, HOMEWRECKER!', to which he turned his head before hurrying on.

What an absolute beta male.

I told my g/f about it and she had a good laugh. But she did say something the other night that made me take pause...and actually made me incredibly sad and angry in equal measure. She remarked, 'so thinking about it, as of the week you found out, she was still planning on taking the military posting in that other city for two years and was obviously happy to leave you being a single Dad for two years. What was her plan with her current AP noting he wasn't going to be going to that city with her, and what was her plan when her posting was over?'

And that's when it hit me. My ex-WW obviously had zero plans for me finding out. I would have remained blissfully unaware that she was banging other guys, and in all likelihood, she would have found yet another guy in the other city and banged him while I dutifully held the homefront under the misguided belief that I was being the supportive husband. She might have even come home from that posting two years later and absolutely cut the marriage away after her fun was over.

It makes me f%$#ing angry to know, even despite how much I got played finding out when I did, how close I was to being played even harder managing three kids on my own FULL TIME FOR TWO YEARS had D-Day(2-3) never happened.

As an aside, she still doesn't understand why I don't want to 'meet' her current b/f (AP2). (AP1 has all but disappeared, but I still have senior military colleagues who have actively sought to ruin his career, haha!) It's like the concept of consequences are an inconvenience to her. Classic narcissist trait though I suppose?

Other than that, life with my 8-years younger girlfriend is amazing. We're planning a White Christmas with the kids next year, and we are taking them to Fiji for a holiday in 6 weeks. Life is great!

posts: 313   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8804451
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FindingaWayHome ( member #78829) posted at 6:02 AM on Wednesday, August 16th, 2023

Mate, only a week to go. Do you have a celebration planned?
Something akin to a Matildas win over England tonight? (I assume your daughter(s) will be watching).

Sounds like you have shaped a great future for yourself.
I loved your comment (in another thread) regarding the email yesterday from your almost ExWW that she

'isn't doing well'

Sometimes it feels good when cheaters experience and even realise the consequences of their choices and actions.
All the best for the coming week, especially if/as you experience the Emotional Roller Coaster.
Regards, FAWH.

posts: 131   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8804549
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 1:58 PM on Thursday, August 17th, 2023

Mate, only a week to go. Do you have a celebration planned?
Something akin to a Matildas win over England tonight? (I assume your daughter(s) will be watching).

No celebration mate, just relief. I did watch the Matildas game, other than the result it was great to watch!

Thanks for your well wishes, I greatly apprecaite it. Gee the people on this forum are magnificent.

posts: 313   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8804676
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:57 AM on Friday, August 18th, 2023

Your wife and AP2’s punishment is each other.

As angry as you are at your wife, at least you can be very grateful that she dropped the "I’m polyamorous!" bomb in MC. That moment of hubris on her part is what led you down the path to uncovering the full scope of her deceptions and betrayal, and spared you years of suffering and heart break.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 2010   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8804759
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 7:04 AM on Friday, August 18th, 2023

Thanks BluerthanBlue, it means a lot.

You are so right; she and him are up for a world of hurt as their relationship has been birthed in double-infidelity, with two marriages and sets of kids left in their selfish wakes.

Combine that with the horrendous success rates for second marriages for two people and add in the 'military strain on relationships' multiplier and you have one completely woeful outlook.

Oh well!

posts: 313   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8804772
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 8:54 AM on Friday, August 18th, 2023

You are so right; she and him are up for a world of hurt as their relationship has been birthed in double-infidelity, with two marriages and sets of kids left in their selfish wakes.

Combine that with the horrendous success rates for second marriages for two people and add in the 'military strain on relationships' multiplier and you have one completely woeful outlook.

Plus she is still an active wayward. It's only a matter of time before she finds another AP.

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8804773
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 10:27 AM on Friday, August 18th, 2023

Nearly a decade ago I ran into ex-cheating fiancés dad at a fishing lodge. Hadn’t seen him for years. Her dad was a great guy and showed me his stance and support by being noticeably quiet and distant from the ex-fiancé, her mom and her sisters attempts to "explain" why I should carry on with the wedding.

We sat down for a coffee (or a beer…) and after some catching up he told me about his daughter. Basically it was a sob-story, a sad tale about wasted talent, a gradual decline into substance abuse, domestic abuse and mental issues. Nothing really major – like not committed to a hospital level of issues. But she gradually lost her career, had gone through 2 marriages both ending with divorce, two adolescent boys – one had done time, the other was living off her… Everything about the dad and how he shared the situation with me said pain, sad and a wasted life.

I’m not going to say that had I married her none of this would have happened. I’m not going to claim I left her because I knew it would go this way. What I will say is that when you leave someone you take yourself along with you and leave what you leave behind. She COULD have deducted that having sex with random men while allegedly in a committed monogamous relationship isn’t "normal". She COULD have decided to do right and change. But she didn’t. She never told me that she was wrong in what she did. I know from friends at the time that she blamed her "need" on me. She never shouldered her responsibility and decided to change herself.
I left with me – and over the years I have worked on improving ME. She carried on with the same HER, and it’s the unchanged HER that left her at that time in a miserable state.


When I went to bed that evening I spent maybe 4-5 minutes contemplating her life. I didn’t feel any joy. Nor did I feel much sorrow. Heck… I felt maybe like you might feel if you hear of people starving in some Third World country, or someone in a distant area losing their home. It’s a "aww heck… how sad for them…" and then you go watch a movie or read a book.

Basically the only times I think back to her are threads like this on SI when I want to share that the goal is indifference. Its not monitoring her pain or her happiness. It’s indifference.

I have thought how I would have reacted if I had learned that she married a loving rich man, had a big house and another by a lake somewhere, her kids all successful and all that… and I hope I would be just as indifferent. I hope that instead of that one or two minutes of feeling sad for her I might have felt good for her for CHANGING the HER that I left behind. But I would still have gone on to that movie or book without much more thought.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12479   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8804776
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FindingaWayHome ( member #78829) posted at 11:14 PM on Saturday, August 19th, 2023

Hi HH,

Its all happening this week. The end of an Era, and what possibly may be a significant change to your family.
May we ask when the divorce hearing is?

Many of us can appreciate that you may have a roller coaster of thoughts and feelings this week, and possibly a variety of mixed emotions. It wouldn't surprise us if you feel the sadness, and yet also a relief, that this chapter of your life is closing, but a new chapter has begun.

All the best for you and the kids this week.
We're here for support and encouragement if you want to chat,
Regards,
FAWH.

posts: 131   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8804992
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Jajaynumb ( member #83674) posted at 10:18 AM on Sunday, August 20th, 2023

This is every BS worst nightmare. You’ve done great to get yourself out of there. She’s clearly a very disturbed person and is completely toxic for you. I think email contact for the kids is the right move. I’m planning to do exactly the same with my WW.

https://library.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661294/worse-than-hell-yes-its-all-true/

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8805009
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 4:35 PM on Sunday, August 20th, 2023

Bigger’s take on this hit the nail just right. She is going to be herself wherever she goes and whatever she does. There is not going to be a fairy tale ending for her unless she takes a long look at herself and the odds on that are dismal.

You go live your best life. Keep looking forward. One day you will reach indifference and you won’t even notice it.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4274   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8805015
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 6:57 PM on Sunday, August 20th, 2023

Thank you Bigger for that post. That is oh so true.

Every day I face the man in the mirror and remind him that he needs to live his best life for that day, and only that day. Some days it is difficult to do so, but I force myself to do it.

I am the only person on this earth I have any control over. I have to keep reminding myself of that fact. What anyone else does or who they become is outside of my control.

posts: 286   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8805020
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 3:42 AM on Monday, August 21st, 2023

Just wanted to reply to everyone, and as always, thank you so much for listening. This forum really is an under-rated gem, and it is incredibly humbling to have people all over the world reaching out to help people who are dealing with possibly the worst betrayal they will likely face in their life. I can honestly say that a close death in the family is less stressful than infidelity and the consequences thereof.

In saying that, my 'divorce hearing' is today. I don't have to attend, and I really don't want to. I kind of think I should have, but doing that would just be contrary to reaching indifference. It evidently meant nothing to her, so why should I cling to that false sentimentality? I really did love her, still miss her, and adored being her husband. Being married and being a good husband was my real self-actualisation in life, despite having a fantastic job I love, and a number of other hobbies that I adore. But this has been a massive wake-up call, if ever I see another major red flag in a relationship, I will walk straight away. If anything, this experience has granted me renewed resolve, and a realisation that my happiness in life comes down to me and my kids only. Anything else is a bonus.

At some point I will get an email in my inbox telling me that the divorce is final, and that will (mostly) be that. A decade of hopes, seeing my children everyday, retirement plans, laughs; all up in smoke. But if there's one thing I have realised, she was just an illusion. She has poured all of her malice and deception into a carefully constructed façade that finally broke. She's a serial cheater, and she had to intention of EVER stopping. In the cold light of hindsight, I've actually realised some similarities with some other incidents over the previous years that I brushed aside - I suspect there are many more men (maybe even a woman or two) that I knew nothing about. Whatever, it's not worth thinking about, that way lies madness.

@Lurkingsoul12 Plus she is still an active wayward. It's only a matter of time before she finds another AP.

Absolutely. Every single person has been a close workmate, she loves fishing from the company pond. All of her APs have been married workmates. I was speaking to an old boss a few weeks ago and he said that her name is pretty close to mud in our industry. One female friend/ex-colleague told me she had a meeting with her the other day, and despite waving off the fact she knew we were divorced, she said it took all of her willpower not to give her a verbal spray, as word has spread like wildfire. It's the nature of our industry.

@Bigger Basically the only times I think back to her are threads like this on SI when I want to share that the goal is indifference. Its not monitoring her pain or her happiness. It’s indifference.

As always, you pen sagely advice, and thank you for doing so. That was a great read.

I'm getting there. She has now started a dialogue that 'she wants to meet my new g/f' (presumably to suss her out because she spends time with the kids), but I really don't even think it is any of her business going forward. Having to still contact her over the kids is enough; this isn't some tangled web of pseudo-marriage she gets to dip into, she willingly chose to exit the marriage and me appropriately. In regards to indifference, I'm getting there!

@FindingAWayHome Its all happening this week. The end of an Era, and what possibly may be a significant change to your family.

May we ask when the divorce hearing is?

Many of us can appreciate that you may have a roller coaster of thoughts and feelings this week, and possibly a variety of mixed emotions. It wouldn't surprise us if you feel the sadness, and yet also a relief, that this chapter of your life is closing, but a new chapter has begun.

All the best for you and the kids this week.

We're here for support and encouragement if you want to chat,

Regards,

FAWH.

Thanks mate. I do feel a lot of sadness; as nice as life is looking moving forward, it is also unnecessarily nice. I shouldn't have had to even worry about this stuff. My kids shouldn't be moving houses every week, nor me missing out on half their lives. It's criminal, and it still makes me angry. Especially the audacity involved. I will never forget the nights I sobbed against the glass in the shower so my kids wouldn't hear me. Nor the campaign of gas-lighting that essentially marred my entire 10 year marriage. I have come to the conclusion that marriage was something she felt 'was the right thing to do for appearances' but devoted her shadow life to banging anyone that took her fancy and fed her covert narc supply needs. It will never stop either. No one at age 40 after 24+ years of serial cheating suddenly has a Road to Damascus moment to change their spots. Sadly, that behaviour will result in a very unfulfilling life, and I think we can all predict where it inevitably leads.

The other soul-destroying fact in all this is that I have done 99% of all the paperwork. I was the one who had to forensically list our financial position, I was the one who had to draft/lodge the divorce papers, I was the one who had to draft the consent orders - it's like she either 1. doesn't give a shit, or 2. some part of her wants to pretend that none of this is happening, as it directly dilutes her actions into real and tangible consequences. To this day, 13 months later, we are still (despite drawing a line under it all) trying to get the property settlement done, which will see her enriched for her behaviour to the tune of several hundreds of thousands of dollars. And yet trying to get her to action anything to finalise it is like pulling teeth!? I don't get it?!?

One thing I can't reconcile is that one of her excuses for her behaviour was that 'she never wanted three children' and that 'she doesn't think she is ultimately marriage/family material'. And yet she is now practically a step-mum to her AP's son. If she hated being 'confined to being a mother to three', surely she's regressed on that front. It's not going to be long before reality sets in and she realises she left her marriage for an even less-fulfilling version.

Either way, not my problem anymore, and I suspect most of my questions have become purely - and by necessity - rhetorical.

Anyway, I ranted more than I wanted to, but thank you for obliging me nonetheless! laugh

laugh

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 3:51 AM, Monday, August 21st]

posts: 313   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8805060
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oldmanchris ( new member #78645) posted at 2:10 PM on Monday, August 21st, 2023

Buddy, it hurts as it should. You invested so much into your marriage and she disregarded that. Her loss. Now, you’re a wiser and more valuable person. Judging by the way you’ve carried yourself, You’ll be okay. 👍

Feo fuerte y formale

posts: 25   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2021
id 8805091
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:32 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2023

Bump by request

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3570   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8815331
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 4:27 AM on Tuesday, November 21st, 2023

Hi team. Somewhat inspired by Sigyn's own recent update elsewhere in the forum (our D-Day's were pretty close together), I thought I'd add some thoughts of my own to update you all on how it is all travelling. Plus selfishly, it will be cathartic.

D-Day2 was July last year, and 16 months on, I'm doing so much better. My relationship with my new partner is amazing, and she has been very, very patient with me as I've ridden this rollercoaster. Although she is younger (she's 36, I'm 44), she has embraced my daughters and taken me being a single Dad in her stride. She has an active interest in my interests, and genuinely cares what I'm into (and vice-versa). She offers to make their lunches, helps fold their clothes, and at no point has she shied away from the idea of being a potential step-Mum. I can't describe what it is like to have some of the mental load taken off my shoulders in regards to me having to think of everything all the time. I'm not saying their Mum doesn't do this by the way, for all her despicable behaviour, she is a great Mum; but leading up to her affair(s), it was me shouldering most of the burden while she was away on courses. Anyway.

I'm not going to lie though, last week was VERY tough for me, and I found myself in somewhat of a mental spiral. I remain very angry and disappointed at the way my ex-WW treated me, and I still mourn the loss of my best friend. Equally, I mourn the fact that I now see my daughter's 50% of the time. I want my kids with me, I want to share their life, I want cuddles from them everyday. To have lost this time with them on account of her wanting to screw two married co-workers continues to offend me deeply. I am dealing with it, but I shouldn't have to. I suspect I am preaching to the converted though.

Unfortunately, a day or so after the divorce was made final, my ex-WW ended up in hospital for a few weeks with a collapsed lung. Her mother came down to look after her, and I had a few interactions where I got the feeling that I was well and truly in the bad books. My ex-MIL refused to have a cup of tea when she dropped the girls around, and when I brought the girls in to the hospital to see their Mum, I was basically ignored outside of routine politeness. This was odd noting I got along very well with both of her parents. I suspect that they hadn't been given the full story about her current BF (AP2), and I also suspect that post-divorce I was getting rubbished to all and sundry about somehow magically 'screwing her over.'

On my therapist's recommendation, I sent her parents (my ex-in laws) an 8 page letter thanking them for accepting me into their family, but also outlining the FULL reasons for why the marriage imploded so quickly; basically, informing them that the reason I walked so quickly as owing to the fact that I had discovered AP2 in addition to her 1.5yr relationship with AP1. Also, contrary to what they had likely been told, she was sleeping with AP2 before I ever knew that the marriage was in trouble with Ap1 in the first place. They are very conservative (ex-FIL is a pastor), so I have no doubt they have been fed a 'oh we started dating well after Hurt and I broke up' narrative. I was more than happy to correct that. Needless to say, they didn't answer my letter, and neither did I really expect them to. But I am very disappointed and hurt that they didn't at least acknowledge it. Compounding this, my own mother contacted my exWW while she was in hospital to check she was ok. This is the same mother whose own life was ruined by my Dad's infidelity. If she can check on WW, surely her parents could have at least checked in on me, the innocent SIL who treated them with kindness? Whatever. Pretty telling in itself.

A rather interesting incident occurred when my ex-WW decided to show up at my house with AP2 in tow on Father's Day in September, to 'drop off some pictures the girls drew'. As context, I had told my ex NEVER to bring him around my house. I should also add that it was my week with the girls at the time, so I truly don't know what the apparently urgency was. As she stepped out of the car, we had just returned from Father's Day lunch with the girls. My gf was dressed to the nines, and was carrying one of my youngest out of the back seat as my ex pulled up. The look on her face said it all, there writ-large was the consequences of her behaviour. A younger beautiful woman helping her children out of the car with her ex-husband in front of the house she no longer owned. AP2 got out of the car but I flashed him a look of rage and he waited by the bonnet of her car. How quickly I went from calm to white-hot rage actually scared me, and I literally had no control of my body for a few seconds as every instinct railed at me to calmly walk over and knock him out at his temerity. I had to walk inside and recover my wits.

An interesting aside though, to the surprise of no one, AP2 looks like he isn't in for the long haul. One of my daughter's mentioned last week that he is being 'posted' overseas with the military for two years in the new year. Being an ex-military officer myself, there is no way he has a gun to his head saying he has to take that posting, and for all their rigidity, the military would never expect nor coerce a newly divorced member with a kid that would be left at home half a world away (not to mention in an apparently new burgeoning relationship) to take an overseas posting. That sort of posting would have a queue of people willing to take their place. Needless to say, there is no way two philandering waywards will 'wait' for each other, nor trust each other to wait exclusively, for two years. Can't say they weren't warned, but they utterly deserve it. I think deep down my ex-WW knows it too. She blew up a great marriage for an AP1 who dumped her, and an AP2 who looks like he is trying to now disengage. I have no doubt she will be on all the online dating apps within weeks. While I don't wish her any misfortunes, she truly deserves the life that's looming.

Anyway, not my circus, not my monkeys.

I can truly say that infidelity is the worst pain I have felt in my life, it hurts a magnitude more than close deaths in the family. And that's because a death in the family is generally a senseless incident, in the case of infidelity, the person you loved the most deliberately and willingly plotted to ruin your life, and in most cases, actively tried to convince you that they weren't while doing so. While I am stronger for it now, I truly wish I never had to be. My future is bright, I am financially secure, my partner supports and loves me, and my children are the light of my life. Time truly helps heal the wounds, but like an old injury, I will always carry this one. I'm on medication for PTSD, so deeply has this cut me, but I am getting better slowly but surely.

I'd like to thank you all again for your advice, it truly is a fantastic community.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 4:30 AM, Tuesday, November 21st]

posts: 313   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8815852
Topic is Sleeping.
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