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Newest Member: TotallyShatteredandlost

Just Found Out :
After 9 years of R, I just got the 'oh I think I'm polyamorous afterall!' talk. At marriage counselling. Out of nowhere.

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Western ( member #46653) posted at 1:55 AM on Monday, October 3rd, 2022

you are doing well. Move on. She got too much but you are doing well obviously and just focus on you, sir

[This message edited by Western at 2:00 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

posts: 3582   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8758000
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Western ( member #46653) posted at 1:55 AM on Monday, October 3rd, 2022

and no, that is not me putting my head inside of an alligator hahaha

posts: 3582   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8758001
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 4:25 PM on Monday, October 3rd, 2022

You're doing great, Halo. It's a crappy situation and has been all along, but you can always be proud of handling it with dignity and grace. You gave her every opportunity and she chose to keep stringing you along. That's on her. It's going to be tough getting used to a new normal, but the good news is that when you're forced into a position where you have to redesign your life, you get to take all the knowledge you've acquired so far and create it in such a way as to bring you the most contentment. That's not nothing, right?
You're going to be okay.. better than okay. :)

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6178   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8758066
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 1:42 PM on Thursday, October 6th, 2022

Thanks everyone. I am still a bit of a shambles with all of this, but everytime I get sad I tap into my feeling of incredulousness. She cheated on me; a stable, athletically fit, financially secure, educated, household chore-doing husband who she was able to leave holding the fort for months at a time while she did Navy courses....with a scrawny POS who was married and had two other girlfriends that ended up cutting her away like a bad habit when she evidently got a bit attached, only to ultimately leave his wife for one of the side pieces. What a catch.

Anyway, I'm heading off to wine country here in Australia for the weekend with a stunning Italian woman 8 years my junior who has recently taken an interest, and who has lovingly nurtured me and offered me nothing but understanding during our friendship to date. She has promised a weekend of fun to take my mind off things, and by all that is holy I am going to take her up on it. grin

grin grin grin

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 1:43 PM, Thursday, October 6th]

posts: 186   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8758411
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 3:36 PM on Thursday, October 6th, 2022

I truly admire your resolve and new found confidence in moving your life forward. You’re setting an example for your children, family, and friends that is enviable.

Be prepared for your WW to ask for another chance or ask to remain friends and do family things together. The best approach is to maintain NC unless it has to do with the D or your children.

posts: 577   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8758424
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 9:46 PM on Thursday, October 6th, 2022

Have a good weekend wine tasting.
One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1252   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8758469
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 4:12 AM on Wednesday, November 30th, 2022

Just wanted to give an update on this one, and perhaps give some hope to people who are going through similar.

Wow, what a rollercoaster the last 5 months has been. I am not going to lie, I went to some very dark places in my mind a few months back, which ultimately ended up with my best friend banging on my windows to do a welfare check on me. I wasn't going to do anything, and nor would I consider it, but evidently people were worried.

In the past month or so, I finally have reached the point where I don't think about her anymore. I don't care what she is doing, who she is seeing, nor what she thinks of the situation a few months later. That is actually very freeing. My kids have adapted to the 'week with Dad, week with Mum' routine, and while far from ideal, it is working.

I have started seeing a lovely younger woman who is an upgrade in every category from my WW. I told her my story early on and she was absolutely disgusted. She loves my kids, and we are having a ball getting to know each other better. I am very confident about the future and what it entails. I am off to Fiji with said girlfriend for New Years and I'll be sure to have a giggle at my now lonely WW living in her dogbox apartment - while also tipping my cocktail to you all.

Thank you so much for the advice, as always.

posts: 186   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8767289
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 10:46 AM on Wednesday, November 30th, 2022

Thanks for the update brother. Good to see you are in a better place. Remember your STBX is at fault in this betrayal. You can hold your head up as you have done all you could for this relationship. Great to read you have upgraded to a younger better model (sorry but had to say that). Your ex will be grinding her teeth over that. As it was all about her now you are better off.
One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1252   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8767300
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:19 AM on Wednesday, November 30th, 2022

Great update. Your WW was a cake eater and would have been happy to have remained married to you and have her boyfriends on the side. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if, down the line, as she sees the new life you’ve built and having moved on, she puts on the water works and wants you and the family back. And, if so, stay very well clear of her.

posts: 577   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8767302
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:21 PM on Wednesday, November 30th, 2022

I don't care what she is doing, who she is seeing, nor what she thinks of the situation a few months later. That is actually very freeing.

This is the best news.
It’s this indifference that counts. It’s not as if you need to hate your ex, but rather that she, what she is and what she does, is not a dominant or prominent part in YOUR well-being. I know the posts suggesting she will miss you and all that are well-meant, but your goal is progress through YOUR happiness rather than satisfaction through her unhappiness.
IMHO too many threads tend to end up with "well… that serves him/her right, he/she is going to be miserable, he/she is still paying the consequences…" when the focus should be IMHO "It’s great to see how well YOU are doing".

Go back to your old posts… Read them and sense how stuck and powerless you portray yourself. Like the comment about divorce costing you thousands and thousands… And then reflect on where you are now and what got you to where you are now. It’s taking brave decisions, tough actions and by refusing to remain in infidelity. Great work!

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11153   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8767309
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 7:58 PM on Wednesday, November 30th, 2022

I'm so happy for your HurtHalo! After everything you went through, you deserve to be at peace. I hope you will stick around and give advice to the newbies, who could learn a lot from your experience.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 970   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8767367
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 5:44 AM on Thursday, December 1st, 2022

Have fun Halo!

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2521   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8767443
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Decorum ( member #47744) posted at 6:05 AM on Thursday, December 1st, 2022

Wow that was a roller-coaster. Congratulations on getting off, and living a better life.

posts: 69   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2015
id 8767446
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 6:45 AM on Thursday, December 1st, 2022

I have started seeing a lovely younger woman who is an upgrade in every category from my WW.


Maybe not quite the open marriage your wife was looking for laugh

posts: 518   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8767449
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SmelltheRoses ( new member #82404) posted at 4:26 PM on Thursday, December 1st, 2022

After such a shit show it’s would be a hard slog for the strongest man to heal. But, when you do, it’s bliss! For some freakin reason, even though we know so clear that moving on is the right thing to do it still is a steady gut punch for a while.

Keep your eye on the prize…your new life free of this toxin….seems minimum contact will help you get through it fastest. Love your life! Go for it with gusto!

posts: 5   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2022
id 8767509
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 5:05 PM on Thursday, December 1st, 2022

Very glad to hear things are looking up for you, Halo. Your story is a cautionary tale for otherwise monogamous people who get the polyamory discussion sprung on them. Like I said in my first post to you, when your spouse asks for an "open marriage", they've typically already peeled a pony out of the pack. shocked So, while it's sad that your exWW turned out to be a giant cliche, your outcome is much better than where you started, stuck in an open marriage that you had not consented to.

Good on you, man! smile

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6178   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8767523
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