Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: lrpprl

Just Found Out :
After 9 years of R, I just got the 'oh I think I'm polyamorous afterall!' talk. At marriage counselling. Out of nowhere.


BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:15 PM on Tuesday, July 12th, 2022

I’m sorry that you had to go through this ordeal and that your kids had to witness the cataclysmic imploding of your marriage. But now you know you’re not crazy and your suspicions were validated.

Your wife is in for a rude awakening. While there are certainly no shortage of men who are willing to sleep with her on the side, there will be far fewer that are interested in committing to a relationship with her, especially given her sordid history. I think you need to brace yourself for the possibility that in a few months or years from now, she will come back groveling for a second chance.

Lastly, I just had a question about her 2-year post: how likely do you think it is that she will give you full custody and pay alimony so she can go on this post? Is that something you would be open to considering?

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 844   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8744343

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 4:19 PM on Tuesday, July 12th, 2022

If my W and I could agree on what our M would be going forward, we could R.

Sisoon is 100% correct there, and it’s in the vein I was suggesting some time back. IF you can agree on what you want, you can reconcile.
Well… you and your wife don’t agree. That is – you agree to what you want, but she wants something different.

This does not have to represent a failure on your half or that the last years have been wasted. What it does present however is that you need to decide how you want your future to be. Your next years.

I think it can help a lot to take the hate and the fear out of the equation. What your wife does next isn’t the issue, nor is her future happiness your business. It doesn’t matter if she realized three years from now that she made a mistake or whatever. What matters now is that you – YOU – realize what you need to live a good life, what you need to do to reach that life and what you need to avoid.

Remove as much anger and resentment as you can and focus on what is best for YOUR future. I fully understand you feel pain, a sense of failure and maybe even a need for some revenge or payback. Just realize that no matter how this ends she will be involved in your kids lives, and it’s to THEIR advantage that she (eventually) be happy.

IMHO your best path now is to talk to an attorney and ask for the fair, expected result or outcome of a divorce. Like it or not her behaviors won’t impact the result in any major way. The more you two can agree to before filing the easier and cheaper the process will be.

Your goal isn’t to make her pay or make her feel pain. Your goal is that YOU move on and can have the type of life you want. That might be with a new partner some years from now, or it might be alone. You and your then-ex will probably be in some contact due to the kids, but her future happiness, finances and fate are really of little concern to you other than how they might impact the kids.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10815   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8744361

 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 4:18 AM on Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

G'day everyone. Sorry for the radio silence, but the last week and a half have been true hell.

To all the people that have posted since with advice and well wishes; thank you from the bottom of my weary heart. I have to admit, my friends have stepped up magnificently since, well separation day a week and a bit ago, and have been absolute rocks.

I don't think I have cried so hard in all my life. My eyes hurt from a mixture of overuse and lack of sleep. I will admit that things are getting easier, and I'm at the point where I almost, ALMOST, feel sorry for my soon-to-be ex. I'm so glad that during this process, I trusted my gut the whole way. The sheer level of deceit and ongoing poor decision making she was engaging in to keep these balls juggling in the air just boggles my mind. The nights last year where I would come to bed to find her in tears; it wasn't tears of desperation at my failings; she admits it was the guilt she was carrying of knowing that if I found out , it was all over. Why then she'd decided to put the shotgun to the marriage's forehead and pull the trigger by 'seeing how a relationship with him might look' just baffles me.

I think guilt has hit her like a ton of bricks. I am keeping our beautiful family home, and she literally today picks up the keys to the Defence-provided dogbox she's been allocated. I lie, it's a nice house, but she's gone from an expansive family home with immaculate gardens to a cookie-cutter estate home that very nearly touches the next door neighbour's roof. She's had to buy an entire new house worth of furniture. I haven't been able to talk to her in any meaningful fashion as the pain is still to near for me. My STD tests have all come back negative (thankfully), so I duly informed her. More than she did for me.

On the plus side, we are engaging a lawyer who specialises in ultimately amicable divorces, so that's a plus. I somewhat angrily mentioned to her the other night that she does the wrong thing and comes out essentially ahead in this situation; she gets a cash lump sum payout and I get to add 400k to the mortgage in an environment of rising interest rates. Interestingly she said, 'noting my poor behaviour, there is nothing saying we have to split 50/50.' I think it's dawning on her how much hurt her selfishness has caused. She has said, 'I know exactly what I have ruined and that I likely won't ever get it back again, and I take responsibility for it.'

@Rastinan, you are correct that the ADF looks poorly on infidelity. What this guy doesn't realise is that I am academy classmates with his two senior supervisors, and I play ice hockey with the admiral in charge of their division. Life for this guy is about to get very miserable. He's also sniffing around our city for a job outside in uniform in the industry; he also doesn't realise that most of my classmates/friends are now the talent scouts/senior managers for most of the big Defence companies in town. His name is now mud, and I have a few very good friends who are as we speak actively sabotaging his job chances. Play silly games....

Her posting to the other city is over, and it will cost her in regards to promotion and progression as that role was very much a 'stepping stone' to her next rank. I told her that I will not be assuming a 99% parenting role while she gets to live her best free life - she either co-parents properly or else I take full custody, and probably the likelihood that the kids will grow to resent her accordingly.

It was my birthday the other day and she sent me a voucher with a card saying 'I know this birthday is a tough one, but I love and care for you and can't wait to blow out the candles on your cake with the kids next year.' It was petty, but I emailed her back and said 'keep the voucher, I need nothing from you', and promptly transferred back the monetary amount back to her bank account. I was fuming. Especially when the voucher was for a store regarding a hobby of mine that she used as a weapon to whinge to her friends about me for. The nerve, how dare I have a creative hobby I did from time to time!

I'm off to the States for work this week - I can't wait to get out of my head for a while. If anyone is in DC or Huntsville, hit me up!

posts: 177   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8745502

SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 10:12 AM on Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

From your July 10th post:

I kicked her out and told her it was over when we got home, and she packed a bag and moved to a friend's place. And here we are. It has been a day or so and I have never cried so hard in all my life.

^^^ tears of joy I hope.

The way you've described your stbx and your marriage, it's about time you kicked her out and ended it. No sane, monogamous man should have to endure what she's put you through.

I don't think she has it in her to live in a monogamous marriage. That's sometimes the case with infidelity in marriage, the wife has no business being married to one man.

Be kind to yourself as much as you can the next few weeks, you've earned it and it will be help you to get a spring back in your step. She's battered you about pretty good.

Your wife may have some surprises left for you yet so try to keep your life simple, consult with your lawyer and stick to your game plan. Lot on your plate right now ending your marriage and being the adult looking after your girls.

posts: 466   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8745516

tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 12:55 PM on Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

Stay strong friend. You are taking this as measured steps and doing this wisely.
You will start to feel peace, and happiness w/ your kiddos again, when she is fully out and the only discussions you need to have are who had the kids when financials.

Be careful, though a lot of women when they feel shame, and embarassement will attempt to manipulate the situation to not be the bad guy. Keep a VAR on you when in person. Dont say not my STBXW. There are plenty of men here who can tell you they thought the same, and some fall BS claim was made to make them look bad or even have the cops show up.

Protect those kids and yourself just like you protect your country.

Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19420   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8745525

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 3:34 PM on Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

It is what it is.
That’s the way life usually plays out – we deal with reality rather than fantasy.

In an earlier post I questioned your statement about divorce costing you 100s of thousands of dollars. You mentioned how your kids will suffer. You now talk about how she’s sacrificing so much of worldly possessions to be with her OM.

Friend – stay with reality. Try as you can to cut the drama. At the end of the day it’s reality you need to deal with. People divorce all the time and people go on to live good lives after divorce. It’s not the end of the world, doesn’t cost hundreds of thousands and doesn’t create dysfunctional and miserable kids.

Your happiness is not dependent on her unhappiness.
You do not want her to remain married because you are the more economic option.
It’s not like family and friends score you two and the one with more points wins.
People that divorce usually don’t interact too much after the divorce. It’s not as if you need to be friends, not any more than you need to be enemies.

I get it that it hurts, but I can also more-or-less guarantee that the further along you go the less pain there will be. A big and classic survey done by some Ivy-league university queried thousands of divorced people. When asked 12 months after the divorce, a very large portion admitted regret for divorcing and stated that in retrospect the issues could maybe have been dealt with. Same group asked at the 18 month mark a VAST majority (something over 80%) did not regret the divorce and were extremely happy.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10815   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8745541

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 8:28 PM on Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

The nights last year where I would come to bed to find her in tears; it wasn't tears of desperation at my failings; she admits it was the guilt she was carrying of knowing that if I found out , it was all over. Why then she'd decided to put the shotgun to the marriage's forehead and pull the trigger by 'seeing how a relationship with him might look' just baffles me.

I think guilt has hit her like a ton of bricks.

Many cheaters claim to have had intense feelings of guilt. I don't know if that's always a believable claim though. We all do things sometimes which make us feel guilty, so most of us can sympathize with how that feels. Who hasn't gone in for another slice of chocolate cake when we knew we couldn't afford the calories, right? But because it's a familiar emotion which tends to elicit sympathy in us, we can't always trust that we're not being manipulated by it. It's not hard for someone who has done us a truly egregious wrong to tell us something they think we want to hear, and after suffering an intimate betrayal, we REALLY want to hear that the perpetrator is sorry and that they feel bad.

It's possible that the emotion you're detecting here is Loss. Loss will elicit sadness and regret, and those emotions are real so what you're observing are REAL emotions. Maybe I'm a bit cynical, but it doesn't stand to reason for me that someone who was crying themselves to sleep at night because they were so sorry for their actions would attempt to manipulate you into an open marriage. If I walk the proverbial mile here, the last thing I'm thinking about if I'm truly remorseful is how I can have my cake and eat it too. This wasn't her first affair. Refer back to your thread title, "after nine years of R". She KNEW better. But she dragged you to MC and tried to pull the "I'm poly" shtick, and then.. incredulously DOUBLED DOWN on it! shocked
That doesn't sound like somebody with a guilty conscience to me.

Yours are the boots on the ground, of course. Just bear in mind that your WW knows you pretty well. Her manipulations at this point might not be of a Machiavellian nature, but she knows where your buttons are. She's installed quite a few of them herself. Trust your logic. If something doesn't seem logical, it probably isn't.

I do hope your trip will be a pleasant diversion and that you'll get some distance and clarity. Remember that you're going to be okay and that you'll continue to be a great dad and your kids will continue to thrive. Dealing with infidelity sucks as you well know, but you do eventually come out the other side. smile

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5750   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8745587
Cookies on®® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20220809a 2002-2022® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy