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Just Found Out :
My story is really different — pls help

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 Iamallalone (original poster new member #80209) posted at 2:16 AM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

I am 46 years old with two teenage sons and a teenage daughter. My husband is very wealthy. We married when I was 18 — he is 10 years older. He worked with my father and basically selected me as good wife material. I am not trying to brag, but I am very attractive - I’m sure that was the cause of his interest.

Since we married, my husband has handled everything. I did go to school — that was important to me — and I am a physician. I only work a few hours a day, but he lets me do that so I feel productive and don’t get bored. I’m not unintelligent, but I have never really had to do anything for myself. I have a driver, I don’t drive. My husband selects my clothing and what food I eat and how I work out. Most of what I do is focused on maintaining my appearance. We have 10 full time staff but I do see my kids a lot. I know it is a different life than most have, but I was honestly ok with it.

Well, 2 weeks ago I met my husband’s 2 year old daughter by another woman. The woman brought her daughter to my work (she scheduled an appointment) and told me that she is my husband’s child. She said he refused a paternity test and said if she keeps pushing for one he’ll take her daughter away from her. He is making it hard for her to get a job and she needs money for the child. My husband is not supporting her and she is destitute. She has no money for a lawyer and we both know my husband has connections everywhere so a lawyer might not even help.

I have never actually thought about my husband cheating, and this encounter shook me so much I went straight home. I asked my husband about it and he was furious at her, said she was a skank and a whore and that he told her that her life would be hell if she kept the child. He hugged me and told me that he was so sorry that I was exposed to such nastiness and that he will make sure that I never see her or that child again. I asked him if the child was his and he just told me that I don’t need to worry about it and that he will take care of it. I asked him if he cheats on me and he told me that everything is fine and he loves me and I don’t need to worry.

I was upset and called my mom and told her that I am worried that my husband has cheated. She laughed and said of course he cheats, all men in his position cheat. She and my dad were unhappy that he has another child, but they said that he will make it all go away and that I am fine and not to worry.

So I guess this is just my life. I do think my husband loves me — he is upset that I am upset, but he just blames her. I know that is wrong. I am angry but I feel badly for her too. It seems like he is ruining her life in retaliation for her not having an abortion. I mentioned that he should stand by his child and he said that he has no patience for bastards.

I have no access to money besides through him. I can’t drive, cook, deal with money … I don’t even have any friends that aren’t mainly his friends. I feel totally stuck.

My life revolves around this man. I had seven surgeries after I had the kids to repair my body. I have at least one cosmetic procedure a week, work out 2 hours a day, do anything he wants in bed and proactively research how to keep our sex life hot … and it is!! I had the kids he asked for, even got the genders he wanted! Why does he need other women? The could be a lot of them!

He won’t tell me anything. He is worried at least a little — he got me a new puppy and installed tracking software on my phone so I "don’t try anything stupid". This morning I tried to put on much sexier clothing than what he had put out for me for work - I thought that I could get some attention at work and I would feel better. The driver called him when he saw what I was wearing and we went to his office so he could explain to me that he knows I am hurt, but that I am naive and innocent and if I go and make myself seem available men will take advantage of me, and I am his.

I don’t know what I am asking. I am so mad and hurt that I want to divorce but I don’t think I can. I want to know what I did wrong. I have obsessively read this forum and I wish I was in anyone else’s situation. I let other people plan my life and now I am stuck as a pretty trophy who’s husband does whatever he wants while I get whatever scraps he wants to give me. I am smart academically but I failed myself.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Is there any way that I can make him only want me?

posts: 3   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2022
id 8728405
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:18 AM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

I have no access to money besides through him. I can’t drive, cook, deal with money … I don’t even have any friends that aren’t mainly his friends. I feel totally stuck.

Start by fixing that. Regardless of the outcome, you need to have more control over your life. Start working more. Keep your own money. Learn to drive if that is necessary for where you live. You are statistically going to out live your WH. By a decade or more. Take back your agency now. This wasn't the first affair. It's not likely his last.

posts: 1104   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8728413
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 3:20 AM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

Hi. Welcome to SI. Sorry you find yourself here.

Sounds like your husband is a controlling psychopath.

How is he going to take care of the problem with the other woman? Threats? That’s criminal and abusive.

He’s been abusing you your entire marriage and he’s also a cheater. Why do you tolerate being controlled?

The fact that both he and your parents said he will take care of it makes me shudder.

You did nothing wrong. Your husband is a user and abuser.

Please seek out a good therapist for yourself.

posts: 11506   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8728414
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straightup ( member #78778) posted at 5:34 AM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

Are you from the US or from elsewhere? I ask that to understand what kind of legal remedies you or the other woman/child might have.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 131   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8728428
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faithfulman ( member #66002) posted at 8:26 AM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

I don't think your story is that different. There are plenty of stories where the betrayed spouse relies on the cheating spouse with regard to funding their lifestyle. Yours does go much further than average (seen around here) but honestly, it is a tale as old as time.

I think this is kind of a sugar-daddy arrangement that you have always had. The problem with sugar-daddy arrangements, is that sugar-daddy holds all of the cards when it comes down to it.

And again, to be completely honest, it really isn't surprising that a man who operates as a sugar-daddy has additional sexual relationships.

It appears that you were okay with this arrangement until recently. Am I correct?

What are you hoping for as a resolution? You seem to want the baby to have a decent life, which I commend, but do you want to return to the way things were? I can pretty much assure you that will come with additional outside sex partners for your husband.

I see that you feel at an extreme disadvantage, and you are to your husband. But where you are actually in a good position compared to many women who were homemakers, is that since your husband is rich, he is required to sustain you and the children he has sired with you, at least if you live in the U.S.

And with your education and intelligence, you can certainly build yourself into someone who can not only sustain your family yourself, but thrive!

So I guess what you really need to decide is how you want this to play out for you. The advice from the forum will depend on what you want.

P.S. Your husband is a gigantic asshole.

posts: 920   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8728439
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Numis67 ( member #57209) posted at 9:00 AM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

So sorry for your situation. While some of us haven't had your particular experiences, all of us have been betrayed by a significant other.

First of all, your husband sounds like a control freak. He treats you, and others, apparently, as chattel. Understand that you have much more power than you think. If you end up contacting an attorney and filing for divorce, your husband will be in a less advantageous position, but that's a decision for you to make.

You are obviously intelligent and have a remarkable career potential, that puts you in a great position to take some control of your life. You are seemingly being treated as a trophy wife, not an equal partner in a marriage. You shouldn't tolerate it.

Your hubby is clearly selfish. He uses people and discards them (who discards their own children?).

I think you should consult an attorney as soon as possible and put yourself in a better legal position.

Regarding your mother's statement about all men in your husband's position cheat - that's nothing more than enabler's baloney. People who cheat do so because they are selfish and have a lack of integrity.

I wish you the best of luck.

Infidelity is not simply a mistake. It is a series of decisions made for selfish reasons at the expense of a significant other.

posts: 79   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: Missouri
id 8728440
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:42 PM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

This is not a marriage.

You are a prisoner in your own life. So is the Other Woman and her child.

I’d say get out but you are facing a life of poverty and revenge based on how you describe your H.

You deserve better. Your H is a monster.

Your marriage is good as long as you don’t have your own opinion or cross him.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8728450
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DragnHeart ( member #32122) posted at 1:13 PM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

Make sure you sign out if here and clear your browsing history so he doesn't see your posts.

Also keep posting.

Is there any way for you to hide some money now snd then when you have it? Small amounts add up.

You have a driver, does this person also escort you around? Always by your side? Are you ever alone? I'm asking to see if you ever have a chance to get to a woman's resource center or meet with someone, a lawyer, who could help you.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24022   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8728455
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:31 PM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

I’m hard pressed to think of any country or state where an absentee father can take a child away from a mother that sues him for paternity. In fact – I doubt he will get any role more than a legal father. In other words: He will be sued for child support but have limited if any custodial access to a child he has already refused paternity of.

I encourage you in the strongest way possible to tell the other woman to file for child support. Might have to cut down your staff from 10 to 8 and maybe do your own driving, but your husband needs to be put in place.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10590   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8728458
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 3:21 PM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

Hello OP, I'm very sorry to hear your plight. Clearly you do not reside in the US. From your post it's easy to tell that you are an intelligent, sentient human, but you face the misfortune of being born into a highly chauvinistic culture where women have few legal rights. It sounds like your husband is essentially an avatar for your culture.

I honestly have no advice to offer you. Just empathy. I cannot possible begin to understand the intricate and subtle internecine extended family ramifications of the type of brash action that an American would instinctively suggest in response to your plight. Therefore, anything I might suggest is as likely to harm you as help you. I hope you find your way.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3912   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8728478
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 6:32 PM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

Ok, I have to ask, what country and what culture are you a part of? This will help us understand your situation and challenges, holistically. Western cultured peeps can be quite naïve as to the hardships and challenges endured by women in other cultures. This will help us have an appreciation for YOUR particular dilemma and also help us tailor legal advice.

I’m asking because your husband sounds old world controlling and entitled and your parents seem culturally unfazed. And yes, I understand that there are plenty of Western cultured tyrannical husbands around.

If you’re from a Western culture, you and the AP definitely have options. If you hail from another culture, possibly less options.

posts: 891   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8728512
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 10:41 PM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

What makes you happy? What things do you do for yourself?

It sounds like your life revolves around him. What parts of it are just for you?

You can't make anyone love you. You can't make anyone be faithful. Our locus of control ends at ourselves.

I live below the poverty line because of chronic health issues. It sucks in a LOT of ways. But I wouldn't trade it to live life in a box. Cheating aside- is that really what you want for yourself?

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 4 years) & DBF (dating 3 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 812   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8728563
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Sordid ( member #50143) posted at 2:00 AM on Friday, April 8th, 2022

Bigger,

OP doesn't state where she lives. While what you say about child support may be true in the U.S. and most/all other Western democracies, she could easily be living in Saudi Arabia or any number of other places where the laws aren't the same.

Even assuming she lives in the U.S., she says that she's got 10 staff members at her home. If that's the kind of money her husband has, then the rules can still be very different. Judges can be bribed. Or suddenly all the other woman's relatives could start getting fired from their jobs, and she's told they won't work in the area again unless she withdraws her request. Or she could suddenly find a police car following her everywhere she goes, and she's getting 3 or more tickets a week, for infractions that would normally get overlooked-- or even for things she didn't even do. I mean, I get that what I'm saying sounds like the plot to a Lifetime movie, but so does her description of her situation.

Obviously she's not in a healthy relationship, but she says she's a physician (!?!), and was okay with everything up until this incident. With the level of control her husband has over her, and with that amount of wealth, I think it's really hard to predict how he'll respond to anything she does or says, and maybe even hard to say what the right decision for her, personally, is. It feels like the answer should be, "Leave him!" 100% of the time, but sometimes you need to choose the lesser of two evils, and there's way too much information we don't have to say anything authoritatively.

Personally, if I were in her shoes, and leaving him didn't appeal to me as an option, but I felt bad for this other woman, I'd probably play to his ego to try to get her help. A lot of flattery, a lot of assigning pure motives to him. Like, "If you say you're not the father, I believe you; and even if you are the father, if you told her you wouldn't support her if she kept the child, then this is what she should expect. But you make so much money, and we're so wealthy; and honestly, when I met with her, I felt sorry for her, and kept thinking that if I didn't have you taking care of me, that could have been me sitting in that chair. It just made me want to help. I know you can be very generous. It would make me happy if you swooped in as the hero and helped her and her child out, even if you're not legally obligated to-- even if you're not morally or ethically required to. If I knew we were paying child support, it would honestly make me happy, knowing that we were helping. Or if she just wanted a one-time payout. I don't need to know the details, but I'd really love for you to use some of this enormous wealth that you have earned to be a knight in shining armor for this woman, even if she doesn't deserve it."

But like I said, I don't think I can predict how he'd react to something like that. He sounds like a narcissist and/or psychopath, and in both cases, over-the-top flattery is likely to succeed; but I just don't know. Her situation is so far from normal, on several different dimensions, that I hesitate to apply conventional wisdom.

[This message edited by Sordid at 2:02 AM, Friday, April 8th]

“One of the cruelest things you can do to another person is pretend you care about them more than you really do.” Douglas Coupland

posts: 218   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2015
id 8728589
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:06 PM on Friday, April 8th, 2022

The moment we agree that someone is really different is the moment we can’t help them.
This site is built on shared experiences. If the OP is living in some cave in Afghanistan with a fundamentalist patriarch that controls the neighboring valleys then yes – this is different and unless we know some SEAL team there isn’t much we can do. But then that woman wouldn’t have been afforded the ability of an education and weekly manicures.

I suggest the OP sends in a second post answering some of the questions asked.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10590   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8728669
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Broken1Again ( member #32211) posted at 2:20 AM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

To me it sounds like you’re married to a narcissist who may or may not have friends in "high places" who will protect his "interests". Then again , he may just be a true narcissist who thinks these things are true and he only thinks he has that much power . Either way though it sounds like your situation could get sticky for lack of a better word.

As far as the other woman goes I don’t know if you can help her even if you wanted to. Maybe that is hers and his comeuppance for cheating. Your focus should be on what do you want to do. Your husband probably has cheated many times just by the sounds of it. Do you ever ask him for money for things? Is there a way to ask for Money and then start putting some away every time he gives you some. That would be my first move. It will make you feel like you have options at least. Maybe tell him you’re super bored and want to start working more so you can accumulate more money faster.

The fact that you were driven to his place of work by the driver instead of where you wanted to go tells me he has a ton of control and this situation right here could get dangerous. I might zip it and just keep gathering money and find out the laws in your country.

Also as someone posted above make sure you clear your computer history , keep posting though you are in the right place! Sorry this has happened to you.

Updated: been on here since my oldest was 12
BS: 51
WS: 53
Two boys 22/24
Married 26 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. WS is a serial cheater. I stay for financial reasons.

posts: 1076   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2011
id 8729301
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 2:27 AM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

Those are very challenging circumstances. Have you considered learning how to do those things you say you don't know - drive, handle finances, cook, etc? While you are from wealth, it doesn't make the hurt any less from betrayal and money won't solve that issue. Becoming self-reliant may help you in some way.

posts: 271   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8732979
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 2:10 AM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

You sound like a good person. I don't think your husband changes. He makes all your choices. You are so much more than how you look. We all are. The body is just a temporary covering. Thank you for caring about this woman and her child. I think he keeps cheating because he sees nothings wrong about it. The question is are you powerless or just scared of what he might do? You're never someone's possession. Remember that.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2322   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8733086
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 2:18 AM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

Another thing is you don't need to dress sexy at work and get attention. You're more than that. Fine to make yourself look nice but you're not an object for men to look at. You're a whole person. The kid is not a bastrd, he's a person. Enough of the people are objects view. Everyone has value. Rich poor whatever race or area they come from. Old young healthy sick we are all humans with rights and dignity. No is less than. No one.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2322   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8733088
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 Iamallalone (original poster new member #80209) posted at 3:32 AM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

Sorry — I didn’t mean to just leave. I didn’t know to clear the browsing history and he saw what I wrote. Apparently he is concerned that he and I could be identified somehow and what I said could be used against him. I begged and begged to get back on here since I have no one to talk to, and he eventually let me since he hates when I cry.

I really advocated for the little girl and apparently he got her mother a job in another country so she will have money. I hope this is true. I know now that the truth is not always spoken by him. We live in South America mainly but have compounds in different places. I work sporadically depending on the location we reside at the time but his friends own and run the clinics. My oldest son knows of the betrayal and he explained to me that I do not fully understand the nature of my husband’s work and that I have it very well and creating problems will not be in my interest. I cannot get a divorce; not only can I not file but it will not be granted and if I did leave somehow I will be the one with nothing. Judges here can be bought easily. I have not worked lately since he wants me to stop acting out and be mature. I am still acting spitefully and not doing what he wants a lot.

He has promised me that he will not cheat again and says that he did not realize it would bother me so much. I hate this though. I can’t watch him, he travels a lot and no one would tell me if they knew. He lies. I do think he cares for me as more than a possession though. He tried to help me; he had me visit one of my friends who is married to his friend and she told me how her husband acts the same but it is really no big deal since they do so much for us. I don’t know why this bothers me and not her.

I will not be allowed to learn to drive. I must accept this life. Maybe I will find a way to eat until I am fat and then he will be sorry, I don’t know. I am certain that he could divorce me and get someone who looks the part to fill in then though. Thank you all for your help. I will be ok. I just wish I knew what game I was playing when I started it. Maybe I could just have not loved him then and then I wouldn’t care. But if the little girl is ok and my children are ok then the world could be worse. I really hope I helped her.

Thank you all again — I will be ok I am sure. It is nice that strangers can care about me since people who should love me obviously can’t.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2022
id 8733100
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 7:36 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

Your husband seems like a very dangerous and selfish man.

He cheated, and now he is tracking you.

His driver that escorts you is not your driver.

He says you are his.

My guess is, without being too dramatic, the cheating is the tip of the lying and deception iceberg for you.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:37 PM, Monday, May 2nd]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1903   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8733181
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