SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Gently, your husband is controlling every aspect of your life. Why would you allow yourself to be treated like an object? You are an educated professional.

Do you have family or friends who can help support you to get away from this poor excuse of a man?

He's giving you a lifestyle most dream about but he's a POS in reality. You are his possession not his partner. I'd rather live in a tin hut than be someone's trophy wife.

Do you really believe he's going to stop cheating? Do you really believe what he told you about the other woman? He's probably been cheating your entire marriage just because he can.

I am still acting spitefully and not doing what he wants a lot.

^^^That's a good start for standing up for yourself.

[This message edited by annb at 11:49 PM, Monday, May 2nd]

No need to sacrifice yourself or eat too much. You need to be good to yourself as much as possible. Listen to your own heart and ask for what you truly want.

Thinking about you all day. Please don't turn unhappy feelings against yourself. Continue to make a difference in the world and let your children know how you are doing. Maybe go back to school. Find something to learn or practice a talent. Take every chance you can to build yourself.

The woman brought her daughter to my work (she scheduled an appointment) and told me that she is my husband’s child. She said he refused a paternity test and said if she keeps pushing for one he’ll take her daughter away from her. He is making it hard for her to get a job and she needs money for the child. My husband is not supporting her and she is destitute. She has no money for a lawyer and we both know my husband has connections everywhere so a lawyer might not even help.

Family court is blessedly straightforward in regards to custody and child support. It's about the best interests of the child. No judge is going to take a child away from the decent mother it has always lived with, and give it to a man who denies paternity and resists paying child support and rarely or never visits. Even if she has no lawyer and he has 10 of them, that's the way it will go. He will be required to pay her child support and a visitation schedule will be arranged, if your husband wants visitation.

The only way he could "take the child from her" would be to literally kidnap the child and disappear, but given his comfortable life and lack of interest in the child, that seems extremely unlikely in this case. She will likely have to share the child with him via a court-ordered visitation schedule, because courts believe both parents should spend time with the child, unless one has been PROVEN to be abusive to the child. If she doesn't want to share visitation, then she's probably better off not taking him to court.

If she were trying to get money for herself out of him, or trying to convince a judge that he was unfit for visitation, etc., that's where a good lawyer really matters. But this is a cut and dried paternity and child support claim. If he is the child's biological father he will have to pay the support. No expensive lawyer or amount of "influence" will get him out of that.

Because you've lived a very sheltered life, you are probably not aware of the reality of this, but that is very much the way it is. Tell the OP, who obviously doesn't understand the system, either, that she can go to court to get child support and arrange a legal visitation schedule, without fear of losing access to her child.

ETA: I'm assuming you're an American. If you're in another country, I can't vouch for its family court system.

[This message edited by morningglory at 4:14 PM, Saturday, May 7th]

I am writing from the USA. Are you in another country? It might be the only way to have some money is to put aside any left over from shopping. You have older children. I assume they can manage their own lives but a baby needs it’s mother. If you feel this is really your husband’s child being kind to the mother might take a generous amount of caring on your part to help her. It sounds like you are married to a monster.

I am in another country. I can say more now as my husband is less concerned about the secrecy. His people have not found evidence of anyone problematic reading what I write. I am in Columbia now although we have residences in many countries and can even come to the US at times. My degree is from the US but I have no citizenship.

I am happier now. My husband and older son has talked to me and my husband does love me. He just does not equate sec and love like most people. He equates sex and power, and he loves to get his way. He says he has given me his name and my children will inherit his legacy and those are so much more valuable than sex. He has never bought another woman a gift or taken her out or done anything to make her happy; he reserves those behaviors for me. He states that he understands that is hard for me so he will stop with the sex as long as I continue to provide it on demand.

My son believes he cares for me, and says he seemed to care for my thoughts and my daughter’s thoughts in discussions for her marriage. He wanted my daughter to be happy in her marriage and did not only care about the alliance that will be formed. She should marry next year if there are no problems.

My son has told me some things I suspected. My husband’s true job is not just finance/business but also manufacturing of war related things. He has many plants and many guards. His business is having difficulties now due to the war. He tries to be neutral but wants stability overall and there is no stability at the manufacturing sites now. I must stay where I am because he fears I am not safe outside the compound (we are at the most guarded one now). He is traveling a lot though. I feel I wish to travel to watch that he does not talk with other women and break what his word said, but I cannot due to danger. But I am happy that for him he loves only me and is willing to stop his sexual activities to make me happy.

Does this make sense? Do you believe that if he only acts lovingly to me he loves only me even if he has been with other women?

Your husband sounds like he is involved in organized crime. I doubt his business is limited to only "war related things".

You are in very deep and I have a hard time giving you any solid advice.

She said he refused a paternity test and said if she keeps pushing for one he’ll take her daughter away from her.

How can he take the child away if they're not married and the child isn't confirmed as his?

You are in a cage and it is very dangerous, so you tell yourself to be happy with what you have. I understand that. It's a coping mechanism.

1) First of all, I commend you for having a moral compass and wanting the other woman and the child cared for.

2) Next, I am relived you have a profession and I encourage you to keep up your skills. Not to be harsh, but there is a likelihood that your husband will divorce you when you hit middle age and replace you with a younger model. You will need to know how to provide for yourself then.

3) For that same reason, I encourage you to continue trying to learn skills. Take an online finance course and learn how to handle the finances of a house. Learn about the business side of a medical practice. Learn how to drive, even if you agree only to drive for fun around your property and have an 'escort' with you. Learn to ride a bike, swim, ride a horse. Learn how to cook.

4) You should have privacy at your office and a private phone for talking to patients. You can use that to have virtual therapy sessions with a counselor. If you husband has those phones bugged, and takes issue with it, tell him it is for a legitimate reason, because it is. You need to process your betrayal.

5) See if you can try to make some of your own friends. Even people you say hello to at a gym or country club.

6) You have been taught that you are nothing more that a sex object. That's why you think dressing sexy or having strangers flirt with you is a positive thing. You are more than that. Getting through medical school isn't easy. Lots of people don't get accepted, and lots drop out. Know that you are a brain and a heart and a soul as well as a body.

7) Try to do one small thing for yourself every day, whether it's an activity you want to do, or a food you want to eat, or a book you want to read. Try to reclaim little pieces of yourself. Think about what made you happy as a little girl.

8) Don't trust your husband. Not one little bit. His having sex with other women, while traumatic, is only the tip of the iceberg. He is dangerous. He is a sociopath. He likes power. He will tell you whatever he needs to in order to keep you in line. Play along with it. But don't be naive and never forget what he's capable of. Just think of what he said about his own flesh and blood.

9) Try to formulate an escape plan. You don't need to act on it, but there is safety in having it.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 6:38 AM, Friday, May 27th]

Whatever freedom you have use it to better yourself. Get involved with good causes.

Be a shining light for people. Some will make excuses for behavior you know is wrong. Don't be fooled. You know in your heart what is right. Keep following your good nature. I'm sorry you are alone in this. Don't forget you are not a useful object for others. No one is. We were all created in light for goodness.

Is there any way that I can make him only want me?

This is what we call the "pick me dance." It is the LAST THING a betrayed spouse should feel they need to do. You are the prize — not your powerful, controlling, scary, cheating husband. I doubt there is anything that would change how he thinks or behaves. And I doubt that being faithful to you has ever been a priority, not by the way he controls every aspect of your life, 24/7. This is not love, no matter how he declares to you it is. It is manipulation and control. And yet you seem acquiesced to the life you are living, as long as he tells you he loves you. This is your choice, but as several others have suggested — what is it that YOU want from your life?

If you choose to stay in this life he has consigned you to, then my suggestion, like someone else said, is to make your life count for more than this. See if you can get him to agree to your setting up a charity or foundation to help others. It could be a medical cause, like vaccinations, or birthing/maternity centers, or a research foundation. Or you could work toward a goal of affordable child care, or elder care. I would ask that I be allowed to make something good and positive happen with your wealth.
Could you envision yourself doing something like this? I know personally if my lifestyle and comfort were funded by something as controlled and dangerous as yours sounds like it is, I’d wish to balance that with as much good as I could leave behind. The odds were stacked against Oprah Winfrey, Albert Einstein, and Hellen Keller — but their legacies still shine today. I think of Anne Frank and how her attic prison became a story that helped others. Find something that you can do to share your gifts with the world, and you will become master of your own worthiness.

Am I telling you to lift your head high and to march on, in spite of his infidelities, his control, and his lack of concern for your spirit? I guess I am. But if you choose, or maybe as you say it, have no other choice but to stay, this would be your escape from feeling your life has no meaning but what he "bestows" on you. I’m saying you can make your mark in the world, one way or another.

I could not be in your position. I would not have been able to last this long. But here you are: find out what it is that you are REALLY meant to do with your life. Let your children see your self-respect and dignity.

I truly wish you the best outcome possible.