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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
My story is really different — pls help

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annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:46 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

Gently, your husband is controlling every aspect of your life. Why would you allow yourself to be treated like an object? You are an educated professional.

Do you have family or friends who can help support you to get away from this poor excuse of a man?

He's giving you a lifestyle most dream about but he's a POS in reality. You are his possession not his partner. I'd rather live in a tin hut than be someone's trophy wife.

Do you really believe he's going to stop cheating? Do you really believe what he told you about the other woman? He's probably been cheating your entire marriage just because he can. sad

I am still acting spitefully and not doing what he wants a lot.

^^^That's a good start for standing up for yourself.

[This message edited by annb at 11:49 PM, Monday, May 2nd]

posts: 11506   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8733196
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 5:47 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

No need to sacrifice yourself or eat too much. You need to be good to yourself as much as possible. Listen to your own heart and ask for what you truly want.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2322   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8733236
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 3:45 AM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

Thinking about you all day. Please don't turn unhappy feelings against yourself. Continue to make a difference in the world and let your children know how you are doing. Maybe go back to school. Find something to learn or practice a talent. Take every chance you can to build yourself.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2322   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8733473
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 2:19 PM on Saturday, May 7th, 2022

The woman brought her daughter to my work (she scheduled an appointment) and told me that she is my husband’s child. She said he refused a paternity test and said if she keeps pushing for one he’ll take her daughter away from her. He is making it hard for her to get a job and she needs money for the child. My husband is not supporting her and she is destitute. She has no money for a lawyer and we both know my husband has connections everywhere so a lawyer might not even help.

Family court is blessedly straightforward in regards to custody and child support. It's about the best interests of the child. No judge is going to take a child away from the decent mother it has always lived with, and give it to a man who denies paternity and resists paying child support and rarely or never visits. Even if she has no lawyer and he has 10 of them, that's the way it will go. He will be required to pay her child support and a visitation schedule will be arranged, if your husband wants visitation.

The only way he could "take the child from her" would be to literally kidnap the child and disappear, but given his comfortable life and lack of interest in the child, that seems extremely unlikely in this case. She will likely have to share the child with him via a court-ordered visitation schedule, because courts believe both parents should spend time with the child, unless one has been PROVEN to be abusive to the child. If she doesn't want to share visitation, then she's probably better off not taking him to court.

If she were trying to get money for herself out of him, or trying to convince a judge that he was unfit for visitation, etc., that's where a good lawyer really matters. But this is a cut and dried paternity and child support claim. If he is the child's biological father he will have to pay the support. No expensive lawyer or amount of "influence" will get him out of that.

Because you've lived a very sheltered life, you are probably not aware of the reality of this, but that is very much the way it is. Tell the OP, who obviously doesn't understand the system, either, that she can go to court to get child support and arrange a legal visitation schedule, without fear of losing access to her child.

ETA: I'm assuming you're an American. If you're in another country, I can't vouch for its family court system.

[This message edited by morningglory at 4:14 PM, Saturday, May 7th]

posts: 168   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8734074
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:36 PM on Saturday, May 7th, 2022

I am writing from the USA. Are you in another country? It might be the only way to have some money is to put aside any left over from shopping. You have older children. I assume they can manage their own lives but a baby needs it’s mother. If you feel this is really your husband’s child being kind to the mother might take a generous amount of caring on your part to help her. It sounds like you are married to a monster.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3296   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8734076
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 Iamallalone (original poster new member #80209) posted at 6:11 AM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

I am in another country. I can say more now as my husband is less concerned about the secrecy. His people have not found evidence of anyone problematic reading what I write. I am in Columbia now although we have residences in many countries and can even come to the US at times. My degree is from the US but I have no citizenship.

I am happier now. My husband and older son has talked to me and my husband does love me. He just does not equate sec and love like most people. He equates sex and power, and he loves to get his way. He says he has given me his name and my children will inherit his legacy and those are so much more valuable than sex. He has never bought another woman a gift or taken her out or done anything to make her happy; he reserves those behaviors for me. He states that he understands that is hard for me so he will stop with the sex as long as I continue to provide it on demand.

My son believes he cares for me, and says he seemed to care for my thoughts and my daughter’s thoughts in discussions for her marriage. He wanted my daughter to be happy in her marriage and did not only care about the alliance that will be formed. She should marry next year if there are no problems.

My son has told me some things I suspected. My husband’s true job is not just finance/business but also manufacturing of war related things. He has many plants and many guards. His business is having difficulties now due to the war. He tries to be neutral but wants stability overall and there is no stability at the manufacturing sites now. I must stay where I am because he fears I am not safe outside the compound (we are at the most guarded one now). He is traveling a lot though. I feel I wish to travel to watch that he does not talk with other women and break what his word said, but I cannot due to danger. But I am happy that for him he loves only me and is willing to stop his sexual activities to make me happy.

Does this make sense? Do you believe that if he only acts lovingly to me he loves only me even if he has been with other women?

posts: 3   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2022
id 8734813
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 8:05 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

Your husband sounds like he is involved in organized crime. I doubt his business is limited to only "war related things".

You are in very deep and I have a hard time giving you any solid advice.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1903   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8734902
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 9:52 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

She said he refused a paternity test and said if she keeps pushing for one he’ll take her daughter away from her.

How can he take the child away if they're not married and the child isn't confirmed as his?

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 735   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8734913
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