Lynnlost (original poster new member #80133) posted at 4:43 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
I’ve been married for almost 8 years. This is my second marriage. My first ended when my husband (a sex addict) continues to cheat. After my daughter was I suffered the baby blues pretty bad and she didn’t start sleeping through the night until she was 14 months old.
My husband was recently promoted to a fire Captain and was gone a lot working and when he came home was here physically but not emotionally or mentally. We struggled a lot. He was not patient with the kids or me. He was always drinking and had anger issues. Fast forward to about 6 months ago, I starting talking to this guy at work. I work two days a week just to get out of the house. He started saying all the right things and always seemed to be there when I had a bad day or my husband was mean. Looking back now, he played me and manipulated me. He is a narcissist like my ex husband. When I stopped drinking and my husband didn’t, he was the one there supporting me. I would tell him my husband would go to a bar to decompress and he was in my ear saying there’s no way he’s not hooking up with women.
We started texting a lot and maybe seeing each other once a week at work. It turned physical about 4 months ago. We started touching in my office and feeling each other. Hugs and kisses. Every time I would get lost in the moment but as soon as I left work I would cry. The next time I saw this guy I would tell him my husband doesn’t deserve this but yet I’d get sucked back in. He was constantly trying thanking me for being there for him too. His wife was cheating on him with another woman and when I expressed guilt over or relationship he would say he felt none because of what she was doing to him. Over the next several months, we hugged kissed and exchanged touches probably 4 times. Approximately 6 weeks ago, I saw him for the first time out of work. I went to a retirement party and he just randomly showed up. Nothing happened but we did sit near each other and talk. My husband thinks otherwise and I get it. I decided to end things the week after and like an idiot he somehow convinced me to get a hotel room. Just to hug and said goodbye with no one around and no one looking. I’m not sure why or how I thought this was ok. I’m not dumb and I know how it look.
When got to the hotel and I panicked. He brought in alcohol and I thought omg, what am I thinking. I keep telling him sorry over and over and that it wasn’t a good idea. He held me and said thank you for being here for me and I know you’re thankful for me. I was almost frozen. I told him if anyone saw us there’s no way they would think we didn’t have sex. I excused myself and went to the restroom. I think I was in there for 15 min. When I can out. He had his penis out and begged me to touch it. He was flopping it around and said he was nervous and needed some help. I said pleas no I can’t do this but I’m Jen part of me felt like I owed him. I was absolutely sick. I said I am so sorry I know you thought you were going to get something out of this. I hugged him and we left.
Several days later my husband confronted me about the text and I admitted to a few hugs and kisses but left out the hotel because I was afraid of his anger and knew he would think I was lying. I always thought there was more when my ex told me things, so I get it. Well he ended up talking to the AP and then met his wife at a bar to talk. He ended up telling him we slept together 4 times said once in my car, the hotel and 2 other times but couldn’t say where. Needless to say he doesn’t believe it. He said why would he tell me that and the only thing I can think is to get back at his wife and no he can tell everyone at work that he got some. I’ve had several people in the past try with my and I was proud that I never was with anyone there and was very respected. That is now all gone because the AP and my husband have told several people he works with and I work with about everything. I’m not sure what to do. He’s saying unless I admit to sex, he won’t work on the marriage. I almost want to just to move past this but it’s my my truth. I almost feel like the emotional relationship was worse. He’s also now accusing me of cheating on him before all this and with other people. How do I proceed? I did not have sex even though it looks bad.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:52 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
Your husband has no reason to believe you.
Two things..stop blaming your husband for your decision to cheat. And schedule and take a polygraph.
People don't get hotel rooms to hug.
Lynnlost (original poster new member #80133) posted at 4:58 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
I’m not blaming him at all, this is 100% on me. I should’ve spoke up and said how sad and dismissed I felt. I haven’t blamed him once. And I agree people don’t get rooms to hug. The intent was obviously there but it didn’t happen.
BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 5:07 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
Hi, Astin. Welcome to SI.
I think your best bet here is a polygraph, because this is a very, very difficult story to believe. Months of an EA where you just made out a few times, a hotel room with no sex, independent confirmation from the AP that more happened, and your history of lying to your BH...it all adds up to an almost insurmountable hill to climb in terms of restoring trust. And an admission where you say "It's not true, but I'll confess if you need me to" will not solve anything. I want to help, but if your BH were here, I doubt there is a single voice on SI that would tell him to accept this from you.
As a WS myself, and a veteran trickle truther, I know what it's like to have to face your spouse and admit things that you know could end your marriage. I had a voice in my head and gut screaming at me that I had to keep control of the outcome -- and begging me not to hurt my BH further by giving him "unnecessary" details. You have to force your head around to where you understand that he deserves the absolute, unedited truth from you no matter what the outcome. Many BS have said, and proved, that they were capable of forgiving the infidelity, but they couldn't live with the ongoing lies. Don't let the truth come out too late.
Book the polygraph. Include a question about whether you are lying about anything to do with this affair and also a question about whether you ever cheated on him with anyone else. If you feel you can't answer those questions without fear, then start digging at what you're still hiding. My gut tells me you aren't being honest with us. It's possible you aren't being honest with yourself, either.
nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 5:09 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
So why did you go to his hotel room in the first place if you knew what his intentions were? And why do you think the OM would have any reason to tell his BW that sex happened when it didn't?
If you want any hope of your BH believing you, you should take a polygraph test. It's the only thing you have left that could prove it.
iggyb ( new member #74562) posted at 5:11 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
We all know what it looks like and we all know that cheaters lie, a lot, but I'm not saying you did have penetrative sex but you did have sexual contact, am I right?
You have to take a polygraph and have your husband work with the examiner to ask the questions he wants answering. Schedule it yourself, show him you are being proactive with this and that you need him to work with the examiner to get his questions set up. He should not be telling you what questions he wants answering in advance of the test.
This may convince him but it also may not, however its better than what you are doing now as your word counts for Jack sh*t as far as he's concerned.
Good luck, am hoping you can move forward together.
[This message edited by iggyb at 5:11 PM, Wednesday, March 23rd]
Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 5:21 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
I was ready to believe my WW on Dday but she kept lying, it took months to get the truth out of her, and when I did have the truth I didn’t believe her.
You need to write a detailed timeline, also explaining what touching means. Then you need to be willing to back it up with a polygraph.
[This message edited by Tanner at 5:57 PM, Wednesday, March 23rd]
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:43 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
Men,when cheating on their wives,lie to the OW as well. One very common lie is to tell her his wife is,or was,cheating on him. It's a way that he justifies his shitty behavior,and also caused the OW to feel sorry for him. The truth is,you have no idea what was going on in his marriage other than the fact that he was cheating on. her.
You talk about your husband being mean,etc. That's blaming him.
You are also not a victim of the OM. As you said you're not stupid.
You need to own this. And you're not.
You need to be honest.
Schedule the polygraph.
Timeforhelp ( member #74605) posted at 6:09 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
As a BS whose WS lied via, omission, straight out lied and used semantics to twist things I can tell you if I were your BS I would also NOT believe you that there was NO sex.
As one of the earlier posters stated, there may not have been penis in vagina penetration, but I would be willing to bet that there was, kissing, touching, BJ’s and probably everything but full penetration. These are the little lies that waywards tell so they can appear to be being truthful and sharing information but still holding back truths they don’t deem important.
What you need to understand, and to be honest I am surprised as a previous BS that you don’t, is that only the COMPLETE truth can help you now. Your BS is going to be working on high alert, he will be going back over the whole time frame of your relationships with him and your apparent affair time frame looking for inaccuracies. Any little thing that doesn’t make sense will be assumed to be a lie, and if you are like my WS and a lot of others on here, they will be lies.
Trickle truth is much harder than a full confession up front as each new piece of information sets your BS right back to square one, ripping the ground out from beneath them again and destroying any healing progress they have already made.
I have had multiple ddays, and don’t trust a word that comes out of my WS mouth as everything I told him was inaccurate, was inaccurate. The truth will out as they say, it is better for you and definitely for your BS that it comes out early and from you.
Verification via a polygraph can only help you, you actively booking it is also a bonus.
Be open to any and all questions your spouse has, don’t lie, try not to get defensive or angry, and don’t minimise ANYTHING. it is up to your BS to decide how much information he needs, and your job to provide it if you have any hope of healing together.
Please read the pinned articles in the wayward forum, especially those by daddydom.
If you genuinely love and want to try and renew your relationship with your husband, be honest about EVERYTHING now and forever.
I wish you well and hope you don’t drag your feet like my WS, I am 5 years out from the last affair, still missing details about all affairs from the past 27 years and he is in the last chance saloon.
Breachoftrust ( member #66252) posted at 6:18 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
My husband also denies sex. I have set a time in which he can choose to come clean. If he doesn't, I will leave him. There's no way I will EVER believe they met at the hotel for CONVERSATION. I cannot forgive when he continues to lie to cover his own ass.
Married 19 years, together 24. 3 children. DD1 2/21/18. DD2 6/7/18 EA. BS 49, WH 50.
DD3 3/30/22 PA
Actions prove who someone is; words prove who someone wants to be.
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 6:51 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
My husband was recently promoted to a fire Captain and was gone a lot working and when he came home was here physically but not emotionally or mentally. We struggled a lot. He was not patient with the kids or me. He was always drinking and had anger issues.
When read in the context of what’s going on then the above is all explaining why you had no option but to seek solace outside the marriage. Because my husband yadi yadi yadi I had to yadi yadi yadi…
I’m not accusing you or pointing this out to make things hard for you. The opposite.
This is basic human nature. See it all the time in all sorts of situations: I had to speed because I have a very important meeting, it’s not stealing per se if I was going to repay… people ALWAYS make excuses for their actions. Justifications.
Just the other day my wife parked our truck close to a street-sign. When I reversed I sheared off a side-mirror. For about 5 minutes I sat there fuming in the truck, preparing the speech she was going to get once I got home… Then I realized that yes, she did park close to the sign but it’s totally my responsibility to be aware of my surroundings and I could have avoided that damage. She might have created a bad situation, but the damage was totally 100% MY fault.
You need to take a similar stance: The decision to get involved with this man, to meet with him, to go to the hotel… Its all TOTALLY YOU.
The hotel room? I have entered a high-end angling store with the intention of ONLY handling and trying out the 900 bucks rod… I can hand-on-heart swear I had no intention of buying it. Only to walk out with a new rod, trying to convince my wife that at 850 it was a sweet deal… Sometimes our thoughts are controlled by something other than what we are thinking… You went there KNOWING what was planned…
OK – I don’t think someone needs to lie on an anonymous forum like this so I’m taking you at face value on the no-sex issue.
Offer a polygraph.
Ask him what you can do to convince him you are being truthful.
Then comply with it.
If he wants to be Mr. Drama Queen and refuse anything you offer… then ask him how you two can be in a marriage that cant recreate some trust. Ask him whats needed to establish a new marriage.
I’m not going to excuse your affair in any way or form. I’m not going to say that his actions in drinking, negligence and anger forced you to go this path. But those behaviors are not conductive to a good marriage. I think you are perfectly entitled to demand change on those factors, only not because of your affair.
Not any more than your affair justifies further anger, drinking or abuse from him.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 7:11 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
Many have suggested a polygraph. That is about the only thing left you can do to possibly convince your husband that you did not have intercourse. But you did have an emotional and physical affair that stopped just short of intercourse. You have a hell of a lot of work to do to become a safe partner for your husband. Aside from the affair, your marriage is in bad shape. So, you have two fronts to work on. You start by clearing up any further questions regarding your affair. A written timeline followed by a polygraph is essential.
Also, you must go NC with your AP, including finding another job. You and your husband will need MC with a competent therapist who won't blame shift your affair. That may be hard to do. MCs seem hard-wired to do so.
[This message edited by src9043 at 8:24 PM, Wednesday, March 23rd]
TheWorldYouWant ( member #78447) posted at 7:33 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
We started touching in my office and feeling each other. Hugs and kisses...Over the next several months, we hugged kissed and exchanged touches probably 4 times.
Well he ended up talking to the AP and then met his wife at a bar to talk. He ended up telling him we slept together 4 times said once in my car, the hotel and 2 other times but couldn’t say where.
What does "sex" mean? What you did IS sex. Touching someone's genitals is sexual activity. Sexual kissing is sexual activity. Sexual hugging is sexual activity. You're being very unspecific about what you actually did--and you don't have to tell anyone here what you did, but my assumption is that you're not even being honest with yourself. You had sex with your affair partner. Maybe you didn't have sexual intercourse, penis-in-vagina sex with your affair partner; or maybe you did, we don't know. But while you keep minimizing and denying the reality of what you did, you cannot come clean to your husband either. Your husband deserves honesty. He doesn't deserve lies. Please stop lying to him.
Me, BW: 50s. WH: 50s. Kids: 3 great young adults.
1998-2021: DDays without end. Porn, cam girls, online EA, dating and cheating websites, actual dating, online sex games, prostitutes, more cam girls. And that's only the stuff I know.
CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 7:52 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
As a BH whose wife said to our MC, "There was nothing sexual." but I was already told of the discussion about what they wanted to do, what they were "looking forward to" and all of the VERY sexual discussions that happened, I know exactly how your BH feels.
Your definition of "nothing sexual" is 180° different from his definition.
Just be honest. It will make things MUCH better.
BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 11:18 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
Have you looked into the polygraph yet?
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 12:18 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022
Polygraph is your only option.
Your story isn't believable AND you trickle truthed him AND your AP admitted in front of OBS to 4 sexual encounters.
Frankly, I don't find your story even remotely believable myself.
[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 11:27 PM, Thursday, March 24th]
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 12:59 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022
I don't believe you and I have no dog in the fight.
Your story is preposterous.
Why is your AP lying; what has he got to gain?
If you're looking to recruit allies here, you're going to find the betrayeds extraordinarily skeptical and the waywards completely intolerant of deceit.
I don't see a way out of this for you. Good luck.
Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:10 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022
Ive been trying to find your husband's thread, because I remember the "hotel room just to hug" BS. I do remember no one bought that,and your husband didnt either,at all.
Did you think, by posting in this particular forum,that the response would be different?
Do you want to be married? I suggest you get real honest, real fast. He deserves to know the truth. This won't go away. He knows you're lying. If he stays with you,knowing you're lying, it will turn into resentment, and that will turn into hatred.
The only chance you have of eventually being happy with him is to be honest.
Tell him everything. Then schedule the polygraph to reassure him that he finally has the truth.
survrus ( member #67698) posted at 1:22 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022
Kissing is sex it’s not something cute or innocent, in some ways it is more passionate and more personal than genital sex, so please don’t minimize that fact.
You can also get STDs from kissing, so not only did you expose your BH to OMs germs, but also to OMWs and OMW girl friend, there is a chain of potential infection here.
If there was the sending of images and masturbation that counts as sex also.
As others have said please set up a polygraph after writing out a detailed timeline. The thing from your BHs perspective is that if you were innocent you would offer to take a polygraph willingly and enthusiastically.
[This message edited by survrus at 1:24 AM, Thursday, March 24th]
TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 1:57 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022
I agree with the polygraph suggestion.
I also agree that your definition of sex might very well vary from AP and your husband's. So, a timeline detailing the physical acts is imperative.
Timeline. Polygraph. It's your only hope.
[This message edited by TheEnd at 2:02 PM, Thursday, March 24th]