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Wayward Side :
Husband won’t believe there was no sex

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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:25 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

** Posting as a member **

There’s an outside chance your story is true. Unlikely things happen. You still cheated on him. Instead of fixating on his natural, healthy disbelief of an unlikely story, do the work to figure out why you went wrong and what you can do to make it right.

A number of responders claim to know what the OP thought and did. I'm really puzzled about that.

When I think that I know something, based on a post in an Internet forum, that I can't possibly know, it turns out I've triggered. What I need to do is to deal with the trigger, and that usually means thinking a LOT before actually posting.

I already know I trigger insanely on over-generalizations. Now I know I trigger repeatedly on mind reading/pretending one has knowledge one can't possibly have. Maybe that's a subset of over-generalization, though.

*****

I agree that many WSes lie about having sex with their aps. What we all need to understand is that betrayal is, in a very real sense, betrayal. It's the betrayal that hurts, not the actual way it played out.

Sure, I'd probably hurt less if my W had been able to say, 'I crossed the line only once with an intent to give (or take) pleasure.' But I know that would have hurt a whole lot.

*****

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

I'd really welcome some questioning of posters one doesn't believe. For example, potential ways of questioning OP include:

1) "I think you're lying. Why should your H or I believe you?"

2) "I suspect you started in R because you thought people in R would support you by not calling you out. Am I right?"

3) "You're getting a lot of push back. What do you think about that? What do you feel about it?"

4) "I don't want to post respectfully, and I don't want to address the issue, whatever it may be, directly. I wonder if I can get away with being snarky." (Oops, writes sisoon. That's an issue between the poster and ?, not between the poster and the OP.)

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27110   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8731664
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 12:58 AM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

Speaking for myself, I didn't respond to the OP for the purpose of slamming them or defending their BS. There are multiple other forums on SI for that. I questioned the OP's honesty because I have been in the position of sugarcoating my own behavior to myself, and I wasn't able to heal while in that mode. My intent was empathetic and constructive. Count me out of any group high five for having driven them off.

WW/BW

posts: 2645   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8731978
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