Mother’s Day Update:
We hosted my mom (and sister) yesterday. My mom requested pasta and my wife requested braciole and meatballs—nothing too unusual for our Italian Sunday gatherings.
I gave my wife a nice gift in the morning, along with a note about how special of a mother she is despite the madness in our lives currently. Then I spent the day in the kitchen making everything from scratch—I liked keeping busy as it keeps my mind off the affair.
My wife was being incredibly sweet all day, constantly coming over to kiss me and tell me how much it means to me that I’m trying to make the day so special for her.
After dinner, I saw the sadness back in her eyes as we sat the couch. She had an early wake up (4:15 a.m.) to catch a flight for a work trip and she found herself back in grief/self-pity mode.
I tried to keep things positive and not dig into anything—we won’t see each other again until Wednesday night, so I was hoping to leave things on positive terms. I also genuinely hadn’t thought much about the affair all day and liked the peace in my mind.
We went up to bed and I saw her attitude worsening. I had her cuddle into me and asked her to tell me what was weighing on her mind so heavily. She initially said she shouldn’t say as talking keeps getting her into trouble.
I corrected her, saying that wasn’t true and that ultimately her bottling things up is what got us into trouble.
She first spoke about how she doesn’t know what to do with all the weight on her. She took all the blame and she feels it on her shoulders, but she feels she hasn’t made any progress in seven weeks handling it. It’s just sitting there on her and she doesn’t know how to manage it and ultimately move passed it.
Essentially, I told her that is what IC is for (she has an appointment tonight virtually). I told her that I would always listen, but I may not be able to give her the needed guidance and that she should focus IC on her grief.
She then shifted to her next issue—how incredible I am. How I gave her the perfect Mother’s Day even though she didn’t deserve it and it must have been killing me to do it for her. I told her I was happy she enjoyed it.
But she kept pushing—saying that she knows I’m in so much pain and that I shouldn’t be this good to her and how much worse it makes her feel about the affair. Essentially, my kindness was hurting her feelings—and to be clear, nothing I did this Mother’s Day is any different than anything I’d have done in previous years (and it was largely for my own mother anyway).
She pushed on this point until it finally upset me—the affair came flooding back to front of mind. In that moment, all I could think about was her two months earlier happily swallowing his cum. I didn’t even want to be lying next to her, but she kept cuddling closer, making her intentions clear of wanting to be romantic. I kept moving away gradually.
I finally got up and went to the bathroom for 15-20 minutes to try to clear my head. I came back and she was asleep, which only angered me more. How could she sleep? It was like she dumped her pain onto me, fucked me up, then blissfully went to bed. In that moment I could have walked away from her forever.
I spent most of the night awake, drifting in and out and calming myself down from the anger. At 3 a.m. my daughter came in with a bad dream and woke my wife up. We cuddled into each other afterward and I felt close to her again—I felt horrible, and frightened, for thinking I was mentally so close to quiting on the marriage. We ended up having sex before she got ready and left. I couldn’t fall back to sleep so I went downstairs right as she was leaving to kiss her again and give her a proper goodbye before her flight. We left on good terms, but i feel stuck in place.
She wrote this note to me from the airport:
It’s 6:07. I am exhausted and I can’t imagine how you feel. These days are hard and I’m making them harder. Not intentionally. I don’t know how to act and it’s not fair to you. You have been so amazing through all of this. I’m at the airport and it is just strange not having you next to me. Not being around the kids. I traveled for work in January and it was obviously a different feeling. I felt I was escaping my secret life and my married one. Now I’m sitting here feeling empty because I’m not around you. Feeling awful because there are days I say the wrong things.
My grief isn’t self pity. I feel genuinely awful for the things I’ve done. But that is something I need to work through with [IC].
I was so happy when you walked down the stairs this morning to say goodbye. It made me feel so good! I just wanted to go back upstairs and stay in your arms. That is the safest place I feel right now. I am incredibly sorry I can’t give you a safe place. I hope one day you can trust me again and that you feel safe.
As RocketRacoon said above, she’s still in guilt mode, not remorse, and I told her that.
[This message edited by Drstrangelove at 1:46 PM, Monday, May 9th]