So it’s been a rough few days—my wife and I have both been traveling separately from work and our communications have been solely negative. I’m upset with her behavior from over the weekend and I’ve felt she’s made no progress over the last two months on changing her narcissistic behavior.
I’ve also read through the texts with her mom a couple more times, thinking I might find further context on who the hell she was, but it just solidifies her as a genuinely horrible person. It’s not practical to share all the text messages here, but they’re worse than you can imagine—and on multiple levels too—each time I read them I pick up on further subtext to how much she hated me and how torn she was emotionally between AP and I.
We had rough exchanges all day yesterday and I echoed many of the sentiments in this thread. I told her I had fallen out of love with her and I was hanging on by a thread to see if this relationship could still work.
She stayed up late and wrote this in an attempt to explain who she was a few months ago. Some of it may be confusing to read, but I’m happy to provide clarity on anything you need.
In the end, during the affair I was a truly awful person. I became hallow inside and built a fantasy world to use as a coping mechanism for what I was feeling. I fed on the negativity, I justified my actions, I was an incredibly selfish person who made my mother an accomplice in all of this. These feelings I can share with [IC], how I resolve this, I can do with [IC]. My next step is to build a road map of who I want to be. That is something she and I discussed.
Who I was during the affair / How I felt pre-affair
During the pandemic I noticed a considerable shift. I noticed a shift in my happiness. I became very overwhelmed. Below provides some context of how I was feeling during the pandemic and who I became during the affair.
· Feeling of isolation:
o Early on during the pandemic I felt no outside connection. In those early moments I remember being extremely nervous – was very unsure about the unknown. I felt isolated from my family. My grandmother wasn’t doing well early on and ultimately ended up passing away and I couldn’t attend the funeral. I sent a letter in place, but ultimately I remember feeling incredibly devastated
o One night early on I remember drinking close to 5 glasses of wine on my own. I remember that night so clearly numbing the pain of being isolated. Going through the pandemic and not having any human contact.
· Felt more stress come on during the pandemic. As we became to isolate we didn’t have our cleaning woman, so I took that role back on, I was working full time, trying to also be a teacher for the kids and create some sense of normalcy in their lives.
o Understanding when we would get supplies: toilet paper, groceries etc.
o This might feel like something silly, but I remember early on sensing fear. Like regaining things back on my plate with no relief.
· Consumed by the negativity at work.
o Early on during the pandemic there was no clear divide between home and work. The lines became blurred. The space, the house became negative. I was constantly at home and had access to my computer at all times and there was no reason to be disconnected.
o In the beginning of 2021, [X], my boss left. I was left to feel unprotected, uncertain at work and I was left feeling that my role was going to immensely change. Like protecting my voice at work, hosting the meetings running my business was going to change because [new boss] was going to come and be my boss. I had seen how she was with the department stores. She took a stance in meetings and wouldn’t let the other girls control their businesses. They had constant touchbases and I could see that she micromanaged which concerned me.
o Then there was a constant attack of [employee]. I knew [employee] wasn’t a strong worker and that often times I wondered what she was doing and she would keep odd hours and her follow up wasn’t consistent. But then I was ultimately forced to fire her. I was forced to put her in the same position I was put in myself twice. I became very anxious and withdrawn as soon as this happened. I recognized all the same feelings I felt when I got fired. Did I do enough? How will I provide? What is my next step in securing another job. Each time I was able to pick myself up, but ultimately I was putting someone in that position and didn’t know if she would pick herself up.
· Resentments –
o My resentments for [BH] built. I thought he had it so easy playing video games. Focusing on his work meetings and not seeing if I needed help putting the kids on zoom. It was easy enough because I worked in the kitchen and could put [son] on.
o I felt resentments because I felt he always focused on how he needed to work out and how it was his schedule.
During the affair I became a completely selfish version of myself. At the time I remember thinking that I was doing some things to "be a good wife." Like having more frequent sex with [BH], but in the end I built a fantasy world for myself to escape to.
· Self – centered
o During the affair only caring about the needs of myself. I wasn’t thinking about the ramifications I would have on my husband, my family, any type of friendships. I truly was ego-centric. Focusing on my needs and my happiness. I didn’t have any empathy for anyone else. This is the one most challenging to write about because its impact.
§ [BH] –
· I didn’t care about his needs during the affair. There were times he was stressed out at work and I didn’t bother following up with him. I made several hollow gestures like writing the Valentines day hearts which was very hard to write given the circumstances. He was attempting to connect with me sexually and I was giving him more sex, but ultimately complaining about things like sexting him when I was in Orlando. At the time I remember thinking that he doesn’t understand how tired I was. I had a 6am flight and had to be up at 4 and was stressed because the day before I spent the entire day at the airport. But he was trying to reach out to connect with me in a way to help spice up our sex life.
§ My mother and sister –
· Despite the attempts of them reaching out and taking me out of the affair I declined all help. I consumed the conversations with my thoughts of the affair and my needs. I never once reached out to them for their needs. Both of them came to visit and I was on the phone like a school girl sending texts to a man who wanted sex from me. I am deeply ashamed that I acted in this manner and that they needed to sit through the most awkward moments post affair.
· Sense of entitlement
o I felt justified at the time entering the affair. I felt justified texting [AP] and being emotionally and physically available for him.
· I was able to rationalize the affair. At the time – the affair felt good, it felt exciting and passionate. I felt connected with someone. I was able to continue the affair because I felt it was right in the moment and brough me happiness. There were days that were difficult because [AP] kept the cards close to his chest, making sure that I didn’t see the hand fully, but giving me just the right amount of attention for me to continue.
o I was able to rationalize the affair in the moments that [BH] and I had arguments. February 4th when I poured salt in one spot in the driveway and he got extremely upset came upstairs and looked at me with those eyes of hate and resentment. Where they eyes of hate and resentment – it felt like that at the time. Calling me an awful human being. I couldn’t understand why – what had I done during that week that was terrible. He didn’t know about the affair at the time, was I projecting my own insecurities onto him.
· Consumed with negativity
o PTA – I was consumed at the time of "being on the right side." Constant battle with the parents and the school. Getting consumed by the topics and everything seemed to be a battle of negativity. It was a struggled with the individual committees. People became caddy and were talking and placing blame on others and I fed into it.
One point of clarity I’ll provide upfront is the reference to the fight her and I had on Feb. 4. My son turned seven on Jan. 30 and my wife was acting awful the entire week. She was really short with me and the kids.
Then it was Friday night, our date night, and we were inside watching TV together and there was an ice storm. Around 8:15 p.m., my wife realized the driveway was getting bad, so I suggested I’d go outside and salt so she could get her car out in the morning. I went looking for my boots, but in a flash, she yelled back that she wanted to do it and ran downstairs to the garage. I followed a couple minutes later after getting dressed and she was outside with the salt.
She dumped a giant pile of salt on the driveway—so I said: "babe, let me take that—we can’t put it in one spot, you need to spread it around."
She said, "no, I got it," and walked a bit over and did the same thing in another spot. Again, I said, "please let me do it, these piles aren’t doing anything and you’re wasting the salt." It was clear the bag was too heavy for her and she couldn’t manage it.
She again said defiantly that she wanted to do it, again walking to a new spot and dumping another pile of salt. I said, "babe, please just go inside and let me finish this—it’s ok, I got it."
She threw the salt down and stormed off very angry. I took a deep breath and finished up with the driveway. About 10 minutes later I went inside and she wasn’t there. It was about 8:40 p.m. I went to look for her and she was up in the bedroom, lights off. I asked what she was doing and she said she was tired and going to bed.
I lost it. In the moment, it felt very clear to me that she fabricated a nonsensical "fight" so she could get out of our date night. She didn’t want to fool around with me, so she forced a conflict and went to bed early—something she had certainly done before, but this one felt particularly egregious coming off her nasty attitude all week and how bizarre her salt antics were.
I yelled at her—easily the most angry I can recall being at her in a very long time (maybe ever?). I told her she was an awful human being and that she needed to tell me wtf was going on because her behavior was insane.
She shut down, per usual, and the yelling conflict lasted less than 30 seconds.
However, she has since used this example of me being mean to her ever since Feb. 4–she became obsessed with it, even referencing it in the early days after D-Day as her justification for cheating. I’ve stood my ground and walked through it with her multiple times—agreeing that I shouldn’t have yelled (I apologized for that in the days that followed), but also pointing out how crazy her behavior was that night.
Edit: It’s also noteworthy that Feb. 4 is the one month anniversary of her first sex session at the hotel with AP. And at that point she hadn’t seen him since Jan. 24 in his car and based on texts with her mom, it seems she might have been stressed not seeing him (they had just been sexting a lot). She was complaining about me to her mom nonstop during the late-Jan timeframe.
She also likely used the Feb. 4 conflict as fuel to go meet him in his car on Feb. 8, even though she was on her period and knew she’d only be giving him a BJ and receiving nothing back.
[This message edited by Drstrangelove at 12:01 PM, Wednesday, May 11th]