Doc, I've been following along. I'm a BS who had a VERY self-centered WS who completely lacked insight into his own behaviors/actions/triggers. With a heaping side of narcissism. I'm also a therapist (though I work with children and teens because I find them way cooler than adults).
I too am analytical by nature. Cognition first, feelings later. Make it make sense. Poke holes and analyze the words and answers. Questions, more questions... and my favorite-- helping him re-write his narrative to match reality. I was queen of this. 6 months post affair, I could tell him why he did what he did, how he was ACTUALLY feeling at the time, what he REALLY meant when he said XYZ, etc. And you're doing A LOT of that.
You should know-- ultimately, it got me NO WHERE. (except almost divorced with attorney fees)
As I read your thread, all I keep thinking is that you are doing ALL.THE.WORK. And aside from the obvious problems with that given your marriage dynamic, the truly biggest problem is you're stunting any ability she has to do the necessary work herself. If you give her all the "answers" and provide her with all the "realizations," how on earth is she supposed to LEARN to work through that process herself? Changing one's thought process, the way they work through both thoughts and feelings, is very hard work. Your wife has a serious deficit and needs to work on viewing the world differently (aka not blame shifting, negativity, always the victim). However, by giving her the answers (the "correct" narratives) you're only continuing to stunt her growth. SHE HAS TO DO THIS WORK ON HER OWN.
[You're also continuing the pattern in the relationship where you're the cognitive one who has the answers and she's the thoughtless one who needs correcting all the time.]
If you want to reconcile, and it seems you do, I HIGHLY recommend taking a GIANT step back. You need to drop CT and go to individual therapy for yourself. She needs to up her individual therapy to 2x per week if her therapist can fit her in. Your marriage CANNOT be the patient right now, because your marriage needs to be rebuilt from the ground up. Problem is, you can't rise from the ashes until you both know who you are NOW and what you need NOW and what your deal breakers are coming into this new marriage (hint: she doesn't know these things yet and I'm not sure you really do either). It sounds like you have a fabulous CT, but that's a moot point. CT will make you spin MORE right now. If you very much enjoy your CT and your wife agrees, perhaps the CT can become your IC, and you can find a new CT 6 months down the line when you're both in different headspaces.
Also, I'd caution your view on marriage moving forward, that she should recommit as "I'M IN THIS FOREVER THE END." This was the hardest pill for me to swallow as a BS, and it took me almost 2 years in individual therapy to realize that there is no true promise of forever in any marriage, or rather maybe there shouldn't be. If at any time either WS or myself decides this marriage doesn't serve us/our children anymore, we should walk away. If we grow in different directions, if we no longer share common values or goals, if we try to come back together and it's just not there, we should separate respectfully and thoughtfully (aka not through an affair). If your feeling is your wife should stick by your side loyally forevermore (especially because she cheated), then you probably should divorce now. It's just a set up. This whole thing has taught me that marriage always always always must be a choice. Both partners must genuinely want it, work at it, and nurture it. And if it's not serving one person OR the other, and thus the family unit, why should the marriage not end? And as a therapist, I promise you your children will know if one of their parents isn't genuinely happy. They watch the dynamics at play and they are SPONGES, absorbing not just words, but tension and body language and relational habits. Long term, you cannot fool them-- they will know if you don't respect her or if she resents you, even if you're both fabulous parents and enjoy family time together.
In order for your marriage to survive in the way you want it to, you must be able to respect her as a person and see her as having equal value to you as a human being (I'm not sure this has ever been true for you?). She must see you as an equal and not above her (again, not sure this has ever been true?) and she must respect you as a person and partner. <--This is primarily why you both need IC-- because this would be a GIANT SHIFT in the dynamic of your marriage, and you both need to be VERY solid on who you are now and what you need to make this shift.
Some on this site will recommend against a separation and I think that's super fair. But for us, separating was the best thing that happened. Space to think. Space to feel. Space to work through long held resentments and relational patterns, without the pressure of nightly talks and coming up with new answers and "whys" and replaying all the old tapes, and without the pressure for physical intimacy. Maybe consider an in house separation, not as punishment but to allow you to take that GIANT STEP BACK and see the forest through the trees. And for you to grieve and process the trauma with an IC.
Sorry this is so long. You remind me so much of myself and I'd like to save you the full 2 years it took me to come to the realization that to save your marriage, you need to BACK AWAY from your marriage and work on yourself and allow her to actually work on herself. Determine who you each are more deeply, what strengths and challenges you bring into the marriage as an individual, what you want moving forward, and then see if you and your wife are growing in the same direction, or not.
Thinking of you. Those early months are fucking awful-- the trauma and the sadness and the exhaustion to the bone. Keep taking good care of yourself as best you can.