Another rough night.
I read through her lengthy testimony of the affair again (first time since she read it to me in early April). It left me feeling sad, as expected, but no new revelations were discovered.
After the kids were in bed, we sat together and she knew I was in a funk. To her credit though, she was awesome—she talked and smiled, was a little sexy, but most of all, she was very light. Before long, my sadness melted away and we spent about 90 minutes chatting about all kinds of things, including the affair—all my sadness was gone in those moments though.
We should have gone to bed, but I decided to broach the topic of her posting here (I hadn’t read Mickey’s advice yet, which I agree with honestly). I told her community support from people who have experienced what she has might help her.
She was immediately resistant, as she has always expressed. She noted that because of her anxiety, she knew she could read ten helpful posts and feel it was productive, but it would only take one post that read: "Reconciliation isn’t worth it for you—just leave your husband," and she knew it would send her spiraling.
I gently pressed, suggesting that such conflict might be good for her as she faces her fear of criticism and judgement. It might make her a stronger person in the end.
That’s when I saw her anger and resentment for me flow back into her—her eyes filled with contempt for me as she did her best to mask it. I could see what she was thinking: this asshole always thinks he knows what’s best for me!
Despite her efforts to mask it, her voice raised and the anger was obvious. Her anger triggered my anger.
I told her how absurd she was acting—how she seemingly agreed that everything is about my healing, but virtually every day she’s getting angry with me over suggestions to heal me or this marriage. Her lack of empathy was over-whelming. I told her all she had to do was say: "I need to give this a bit more thought—maybe it would be helpful and I don’t see it—let me think it over a bit." But she couldn’t do that; it was instant dismissal topped off with anger for me for even suggesting it.
We went upstairs to bed, me now angry and her realizing she messed up (again).
In bed she apologized for being so dismissive and she agreed that if it was something I wanted her to do, she should just do it no questions asked—and she acknowledged that I could be right and it might help her.
I told her it wasn’t about the forum—just like it wasn’t about her masterbating for me—it’s just about her attitude, lack of empathy and obvious issues of resentment she still has for me.
She then brought up the letter she wrote me last night (the one I shared a few posts up). She said she asked me what I thought about it earlier in the night and I didn’t have any comments (all I told her is that I really appreciated her writing and sharing it with me).
She said she revealed to me in it that she had been in a depression these last couple of years and wanted to know how it made me feel. So I told her it made me incredibly sad to know my wife was depressed, but if she looked back at the last six months, she’d see the incredible efforts I was making to figure out why she was so sad.
I’d try to talk with her about it 3-4x a week, knowing something was off and her keeping her wall up and telling me everything was good, or blaming it on just some stress at work or with the kids, but she’s never expand on it despite my probes.
I pointed out that I tried to help through my actions because words were failing—I took her to Italy (Oct.), the family went to Disney World (Dec.), I took her to Miami (Feb.). I also brought her to several nice dinners and bought her roses on Valentine’s Day—all my effort to get her out of whatever funk she was struggling with.
She responded, telling me: "Well sure, it looks good from your perspective if you only use the last six months." (Implication being that I was being a good husband then and her a bad wife, but what about before?)
I was honest and told her I didn’t really she her depression before that—truthfully, her behavior change wasn’t apparent to me until Dec., coinciding with the affair. I told her she went through such great efforts to mask her feelings from me and now is angry with me that I didn’t spot her issues. She agreed that she was being totally unfair.
Even worse though, I pointed out that she was doing this now. I told her I’m a wreck over the affair and I genuinely don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to support her over her feelings of depression last year—it’s just not my job right now. The entire conversation was exhibit 1,000 of how incredibly selfish she is. And she is oblivious to it—she really has no idea, to her she thinks she’s just opening up to me about her feelings like I asked.
I explained that it’s great she’s opening up and sharing with me now, but it can’t come with an expectation that I can support and help her right now—that has to be for her IC.
We lied there, and I started to become upset, seeing she might be incapable of change. I went into the bathroom to cry (to the same spot I was in on D-Day reading through her phone when I broke down)—I’ve been going in on occasion at night throughout this recovery.
I sat on the bathroom floor thinking the marriage might really be over. And it occurred to me, not once had she ever come into the bathroom in an attempt to console me—in fact, almost always she’d be sound asleep upon my return. For her, her escape has been to go take a bath—I always give her some initial space and then come up to check on her afterward. She’s noted to me how grateful she is that I do that as it shows how much I love and care about her.
I came out of the bathroom and she was still awake (I had only been in there less than 10 minutes this time). I told her my observation and her ease of going to sleep while I am suffering.
She said I was being resentful of her for going to bed—pointing out that I’ve brought this up before (it’s true, I have marveled on how quickly she can go to sleep at times, especially when she should theoretically be overwhelmed with thoughts).
Her selfishness was just too overwhelming for me to deal with. We lied there again quietly and I just started to feel such pity for her. I could tell none of this was malicious on her end—she really can’t see it. She’s a horrible person and there’s no way around it for me anymore.
I told her I didn’t hate her and that I just felt bad for her. She asked me what I saw when I looked at her; I quickly responded: "a selfish person incapable of empathy—that’s it."
We both then fell asleep without further conversation. I woke up early this morning to write about it here—get my thoughts out. I feel the marriage spiraling well beyond my control.
She did mention last night that she agreed with me that IC for her two times a week would be good for her. Our CT this week was cancelled, but we’re scheduled on Monday and we’re going to suggest to her that perhaps I keep seeing her as my IC while my wife doubles up on her IC. We’ll get the CT’s take on it and go from there. But right now there is no marriage to save until she can begin a change in her behavior and thinking.
[This message edited by Drstrangelove at 12:11 PM, Saturday, May 14th]