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I KNOW! I sound so pathetic! But my sister has been being very nasty to me lately. She lives several states away so this is on email and text. She saying nasty things like I am draining my moms bank account (my mom is 85 and visiting for several months because its boring where she lives in the winter. She cant get out easily). My mom mentioned we went to dinner at a fancy restaurant and it was $400 and she paid.

She is also upset about a trip our family is taking to Germany this summer. She is saying we will be stranded because I havent made arrangements for my 2 year old yet and the tour we are on doesn’t allow kids under 10. I assured her we are ok, and we are just staying in Munich while the group take the two day tour and we will join them when they return to Munich and resume our personal trip.

Her husband emailed me and said i need to take responsibility and do adult things. That my son is a toddler and needs me to take care of him. What about his meals? We cant sneak him into this tour or that tour… so EVERYONE will be stranded In a foreign country. Its like he didnt read what i wrote at all. "We are staying in the city we fly into, you guys go on the pre paid tour, and when the tour comes back to Munich , we will all go on to our next destination. "

The deal is

1- sis and hubbs are not vaccinated against Covid. I told them i thought the bigger issue was that they might not be granted entry into Germany without the vax. BIL said he has been adulting a long time, and is capable of making good, informed decisions on the vaccine. That I need to take care of my children or we will all be stranded (including them?) he has said things like you need to know how to get from The airport to hotel and your son will need someone to be with him at meals… if you need help, i am here to help you make these arrangements. Your sister and I believe in you and know with a little effort , you can do this.

1- very misogynist. My husband is also copied in the emails and is going on the trip. Why doesnt he have the responsibility of making sure the baby can get places and food?

2- i asked the tour company. Right now, Germany requires the vaccine to enter. They literally can not enter the country. They will be stranded.

3- i briefly lived in Europe and have traveled a little. I have never planned things like meals. I usually find a grocery store and have picnics at famous places. I also know major airports have cabs at the door so getting to the hotel is no problem.

4- the patronizing tone further ticks me off bc he says hes a responsible adult- however he has a fairly recent DUI that he doesnt know I know about (his mug shot is online) and he also had to ask my mom for money to cover an ER visit in 2018. He does not have insurance/ has very bad insurance and my sis had to ask our mom to pay the er bill. Two years later… he has colon cancer . They are $250,000 in medical debt because in the 2.5 years after that ER visit where he realized, “Oh crap! I need better insurance because I cant afford NOT to have it” HE NEVER GOT INSURANCE. Doesn’t seem very adult to me! He KNEW what would happen if he didnt have insurance, and he still never got it.

My sis has texted my mom asking if shes ok, she doesn’t think she is, etc. my mom texts back im ok

Sis says this breaks my heart. Is Gotta taking you anywhere or are you just sitting jn the car while she drives the kids to school. I take my mom to coffee, out to eat, she sees my kids sports, etc. im trying so hard, and getting criticized. In the past year I took my mom on a hot air balloon ride, drove her to St Louis to see the Arch (shed never been, I said Giddy Up! Lets go!" I have taken her up on a plane ride with me as the pilot, I have taken her to see my son ski, coffee, ice cream, park with her grandson, medical appointments, mall to go shop, tons of restaurants, museums, etc. i wrack my brain for activities she will enjoys

Sis also criticized me for taking flying lessons, said, "well, you have a shitty husband and if you die I guess I get your kids"

My in laws, my crazy neighbors and now my sister and her husband realky dont like me. I think im likable. I have great friends. Heck, one just sent me a silver bracelet last month that said "youre the sister I chose"

My kids like me.

My mom likes me. She says my sister is jealous because she wanted kids and for whatever reason never had them, and my mom is visiting me because I have the only grandkids.

I literally do nothing to these people and they hate me

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 10:21 PM, Friday, March 18th]

Edited to add: FWIW, you're one of the posters whose posts I click on, because you seem like a good person that has a lot on their plate. From across the internet, I find you to be quite likeable.

I don't think it's you, I think it's them, tbh. If anything, you probably put up with too much bull... I wonder if you put up with so much from your in-laws because your own family is like this, too? And as for your neighbors, well... you can't help who moves into the house next to (or across the street from) you, right?

On a semi-related note, your WH is joining you on this trip? I've been a bit out of the SI loop, checking in periodically and commenting less, but I thought he wasn't doing well? Lost his job, issues with another OW?

[This message edited by ibonnie at 8:09 PM, Friday, March 18th]

And you are going on an overseas trip with these people??

Sounds like your sis and BIL won't make it inside the plane, much less Germany. How responsible is that?

The older I get, the more I am adopting the philosophy that what others think of me is none of my business. If they want to have a rational grown up conversation with me about issues I'm happy to do so but until that time what they think or feel is their business.

Ultimately I only have so much mental and emotional energy available and I'm going to spend it on myself. I'm not going to grant my energy to worrying about someone else's thoughts or feelings if they aren't willing to reciprocate my attention in a healthy way. It's hard because it's reconditioning a lifetime of habit, but it's also very freeing. I have realized how very much energy I've expended in my life worrying about what others think, often to my detriment; it has changed nothing in how relationships in my life have played out except to make me feel worse about myself when they end badly. So not worth it.

TL;DR fuck what others think. They're gonna be how they be and that's completely out of your control. Care what YOU think and feel and conduct yourself in a way that you're comfortable and proud of it. The ones who truly love you will be the ones that support you and stick around.

First of all you don't sound pathetic. I think it's natural to want people to like us. You just need to realize that not everybody will and that's ok, especially with some of the people you have in your life.

You have many likable qualities which come through your posts. You're A very dedicated mom and you spend time self reflecting and look to improve your life.

I am wondering though why you mentioned your BIL had a panic attack while giving examples of him not being a responsible adult? He may be an unworthy adult for a list of reasons but panic attacks are not something people can help and are hell to experience. Not sure if that's what you meant.

Keep working towards not caring about other's opinions of you. It is more difficult when you are dealing with family.

I am wondering though why you mentioned your BIL had a panic attack while giving examples of him not being a responsible adult? He may be an unworthy adult for a list of reasons but panic attacks are not something people can help and are hell to experience. Not sure if that's what you meant

Absolutely not. I mentioned the panic attack because he had never had one before and thought it was a heart attack, so he went to the ER. His dad died at 42 of a heart attack, so it was totally plausible to think that was what was happening. I mentioned it because his fairly short ER trip (he was only there for about 5 hours) ended up costing several thousand dollars that he couldn’t afford. His wife (my sister) had to ask my mom to pay the bill. I think a responsible adult would have said, "Crap. Thank goodness for my MIL paying the bill, now I know a short ER visit will cost more than I can afford, and we arent even talking about something that requires an overnight hospital stay or surgery, etc. I will go get health insurance ASAP.

No. He continued on without insurance. He experienced bleeding in the fall of 2020 and didnt have insurance to get a colonoscopy (he was 52 at the time and over due for one.). He didnt end up going to the doctor for several months because of not having insurance, and when he did and he got surgery, he ended up with a $250,000 bill. I know about this bill because my sister is totally stressed out from it, but refuses to declare bankruptcy.

AND THEY STILL DONT HAVE MEDICAL INSURANCE.

I will change how i worded my original post to make that more clear though. Its the not getting insurance after a health scare made you ask MIL for financial help that makes me question him when he says he is a responsible adult, not what sent him to the er.

Gotcha. Sorry I misunderstood that. My apologies.

Thank you I bonnie I appreciate your kind words.
I respect your intelligence and advice!

I do agree that its an issue of their’s more than mine, but it seems like A LOT of people dont like me. I have never had this problem before. Im starting to think its me.

And yes WH is going. He is doing better with his mental health (he had a manic episode in Summer 2020 and quit/ lost his job. ). He started his own business and it was tough the first year, (really, just like 6 mos), then 2021 was better, and now 2022 he has hit a stride it seems?

I hope he can stay in this spot. I need him for the trip, and hes been pleasant to be around lately. However, we will divorce.

And you are going on an overseas trip with these people??
Sounds like your sis and BIL won't make it inside the plane, much less Germany. How responsible is that?

RIGHT?!? Its ironic that they are saying they will get stranded in Germany because I havent made plans for the baby. (Um, newsflash, hes MY kid. IF I had gone thinking i could put him on the tour bus with us, and they said no, I could just get a hotel room and the otger 6 in our group could go on. The whole family will not be stranded.

And to make this clear- my sister is not always an asshole! We have a great time a lot of times! Her husband isna jerk but i put up with him bc I love her. But she is being really mean lately. A lot of the time its late at night, and we believe she has been drinking.

The emails remind me of reactive abuse. My husband is abusive and pushes me to react then says see youre crazy . The emails im getting from sis and BIL remind me of that. The last one I told them i wont engage in name calling or back and forth. My only goal is getting our 85 year old mother to Germany. Since then they haven’t emailed me.

Gotcha. Sorry I misunderstood that. My apologies.

im glad you brought it up so I could fix it to say what I really mean

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 10:52 PM, Friday, March 18th]

It really sounds like you sister and BIL is a them problem not a you problem. Sounds like you are handling things with them as best you can.

I hope your trip is a success for everyone. That's awesome you mom is able to do a trip like that!!

I don't think it's you, I think it's them, tbh. If anything, you probably put up with too much bull... I wonder if you put up with so much from your in-laws because your own family is like this, too?

This is what I have always assumed from your posts. You sound like the classic scapegoat who has "consumed" the notion that you cause problems or don't do things right or whatever for your entire life. But you don't know it yet because you haven't had enough IC. Most codependents who are desperately trying to be liked/accepted by people who do not deserve it whatsoever have been programmed since childhood. We didn't wake up this way. We were told, treated, made to believe that we weren't doing it right or getting it right. And we believed it. And then we went out and married people (and in laws) who treated us exactly the same way. It felt like home! A dysfunctional home, but it was OUR home!

I defended my family non-stop when I started therapy. It took a good year to really see and admit how badly they had made me feel my whole life.

Fyi: the strong and capable are frequently turned into family scapegoats. Sound like anyone you know, Gottagetthrough?

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:33 PM, Friday, March 18th]

And by-the-by, a sure sign of codependency is when you ask why people who don't like you feel that way. Non-codependent types simply do not like people who do not like them. End of story. They don't think any more about it.

So the better question is: why am I so codependent? How did I get to be this way?

Now solving THAT could really move you forward.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:40 PM, Friday, March 18th]

Wow!!

You are a Saint for even considering this trip. That’s not a vacation that is the opposite if a vacation.

Your sister is clearly stressed about her $ situation. Your mom is their meal ticket. Any $ your mom spends is less $ available to your sister.

Your answers should be "got it covered" to all aspects of the trip. However if they sent vaccinated and may not be able to ente Germany then I wonder why they don’t focus on their own issues first.

Many of us here really like you. 💕😃

When people behave like your sister I often wonder what is the real reason they do so. It’s not about like or dislike.

Any why do people fight over everything? I feel society is just very angry.

I tend to lean into what Owning has said below, a very important part of healing ourselves is working on our own "why's". Not that an A is your fault, but how we seem to be attracted to others, also many times BS's need work on learning why they very well can be Co Dependent or very much people pleasers. I sadly have found that the stronger I seem to get in the way "I" want to do things or what might be beneficial to me starts to then get others around me mad or they seem to push back or just get angry about something that I will be totally shocked about after the fact. I found that the healthier I got in therapy also had others that seemed to not really like who I was now becoming. It is a weird feeling sometimes. But again, agree with what Owning mentioned below:

Most codependents who are desperately trying to be liked/accepted by people who do not deserve it whatsoever have been programmed since childhood. We didn't wake up this way. We were told, treated, made to believe that we weren't doing it right or getting it right. And we believed it. And then we went out and married people (and in laws) who treated us exactly the same way. It felt like home! A dysfunctional home, but it was OUR home!

I defended my family non-stop when I started therapy. It took a good year to really see and admit how badly they had made me feel my whole life.

By GGT,

I wonder if your sister is counting on mom’s inheritance to get out of medical debt. Like others stated, every penny spent out of mom’s bank account is money that she won’t get.

And let me see if I understand— you have small children and took in mom for a few months but your sister with no kids is criticizing how much attention mom gets? FFS. Also, it sounds like your mom is pretty active, but most 85 years olds don’t want to be running around all day - a little slower pace suits them fine.

Instead of worrying about them and their motivations, I think you should be working out plan B in case they cannot get in to Germany.
And I lived in Germany for 5 years and I am positive that they have children there and will have accommodations for little ones :-). (And look into Uber and Lyft — easier than cabs since you don’t have to work with the language barrier. — not sure how car seats work there, but worth exploring)

Good luck. And you are NOT unlikeable. Some IC will really help you see this.

I learned a long time ago my sister who has no children is a child rearing expert. She had the gall when visiting, she went with me to the pediatrician to say to him isn’t the baby to fat? He looked at me, I said do you mind explaining the chart to her. My baby was at 47 percent height and 48 percent weight. I have found she has since my child was about 12 bad mouthed me to my child. They are jealous and don’t have a life.
Btw I always read your posts.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 3:17 PM, Monday, March 21st]

I constantly feel like people don't like me and yet I have a circle of dear friends. Therefore, it seems logical to me that the problem lies with the people who have chosen to not like me. Saying that isn't' enough, though, because then I wonder why I have so many people in my life who don't like me.

And the answer to that is family dysfunction, alcoholism, codependency (which almost always goes hand in hand with alcoholism). And naturally, because of my history and background and life, I seem to gravitate toward people like me so of course, I end up with people not liking me because most of them are addicts of some sort and that never ends well.

A year or two ago, I was convinced that my DD didn't like me, didn't want me around, was secretly cheering for her Dad in our D. In the past year, I catch myself wondering why she's invited me to this or that. We went to the beach the other day and she came down to the water with me where the kids were playing. MY first thought was she came to protect the kids from having to hang out with me because I'm so unlikable but then proceeded to play in the waves and laugh her head off at all the shenanigans, having a grand old time. She has invited me to go on vacation with their family this summer and texted to see if I want to go on a cruise with them over Thanksgiving.

I'm beginning to realize that I need to work on this because the problem is in my head at this point. I'm not sure how to work on it exactly but I'll add to the others who said you're one of the most likable people on S.I.

And quite frankly, I've lost no sleep over the discard of anti-vax (as opposed to a legitimate reason for not vaxxing who then wear a mask to compensate) friends. If they're willing to risk my life, I don't need or want to be around them. Your Mom is so much better off with you for a long list of reasons but in my mind, keeping her away from the unvaxxed is #1 on the list.

You rock. Never forget that.

Well, you'll forget it but I'll keep reminding you and you keep reminding me.

Your sister is clearly stressed about her $ situation. Your mom is their meal ticket. Any $ your mom spends is less $ available to your sister.

I wonder if your sister is counting on mom’s inheritance to get out of medical debt. Like others stated, every penny spent out of mom’s bank account is money that she won’t get.

Boom!

Also, she sounds like she's an unhappy person in general; her H is an asshole, after all. Hurt people, hurt people.

Giving a big "ditto" to the posters who said that they like you!

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 4:02 PM, Monday, March 21st]

Gotta, looks like you have a fan club here!!!

Wow, your sis and BIL sound like a real treat.

I'd let the chips fall where they may. If they don't get their vax, I guess they choose not to go? Or do they allow you on planes w/ a negative test & mask? Not sure how that works right now.

In any case, I hope you haven't paid for their ticket. Or if it looks like they won't get vaxxed and won't be able to go, that you can get their ticket refunded in either miles or cash back to your mom (if she paid).

There seems to be a bunch of anxiety and projection. I love it when people who don't have kids or routinely caregivers for them give advice . How about I give my surgeon advice on where to put the incision?

I mean, this isn't your first rodeo as a parent... and Germans have kids too...

Hang in there, it's hard to get out of the people pleasing thing. If you're being more of who you really are, and they don't like you, then they don't like you. I think that's the most difficult thing for me to grasp- you are who you are, and as long as you are satisfied with who you are... why change for others?

Hang in there, I love your posts. Keep bringing on the crazy in laws and FOO- you're in good company!