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New Beginnings :
I'm terrified to be on my own

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 papoula (original poster member #39079) posted at 11:43 PM on Tuesday, March 15th, 2022

I went to see an apartment today. I'm terrified to be on my own. I have no friends and no family here and I didn't want to commit a whole year, I wanted to move away from this area in like 6 months.

I have no children, no roots, I can go anywhere but wherever I go I'm alone.

A small part of me wants things to go back just that way they were so I don't have to go through this. It is so painful and uncomfortable but I have to keep pushing. I have no choice.

This is so hard.

[This message edited by papoula at 11:45 PM, Tuesday, March 15th]

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 143   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8723443
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 12:17 AM on Wednesday, March 16th, 2022

Why are you afraid to be on your own? Specifically? Sometimes it's easier if you list out the fears and then address them one by one. Starting over is always scary and you have a bunch of us here who have done it, so in that sense you aren't going to be completely alone. You have lots of guides here on how to make it work and how to work through the feelings. And hey, we can also give you the cool and amazing parts of being on your own. Some of us have fallen in love with it.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4998   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8723448
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 papoula (original poster member #39079) posted at 12:27 AM on Wednesday, March 16th, 2022

My biggest fear is loneliness. Anything else I can deal with.

It sucks not to have some companionship, someone to share life.

I always had so much trouble making friends.

This apartment I saw today, I like it
But I'm not sure if I should apply. I'm so insecure.

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 143   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8723450
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hcsv ( member #51813) posted at 1:46 AM on Wednesday, March 16th, 2022

I realized I was lonelier married than divorced.

After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17

posts: 695   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016
id 8723465
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 2:30 AM on Wednesday, March 16th, 2022

Maybe get a pet... Is hard to feel lonely when you have a dog who's always happy to see you and wanting to lay on you. I know my doggers and kitties have been a lot of comfort for me since my divorce. Also hobbies. Think of all the things you have wanted to do that you haven't done and make a list of them. Staying busy and keeping your mind occupied helps.

That's a valid fear for sure. But time alone isn't all bad. You can set your own rules, you don't have to answer to anyone, you can decorate however you want, you can do anything your mind takes a fancy to. You can also sleep like a starfish on the bed which is awesome.

It's gonna be an adjustment but just be patient with yourself and embrace joy wherever you find it.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3445   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8723470
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 3:04 AM on Wednesday, March 16th, 2022

I have never lived alone before. But I ended up, after a little adjustment., Absolutely loving it. I do have pets which helps a lot. And I just started saying yes to everything. Volunteer for things, join a gym, join meet up groups, and learn how to take yourself out. I take myself out to dinner at least once a week now.

You may find that you make friends easier when you’re able to truly be yourself and where you never have when you were with your ex.

Also read the post pinned to the top of the
Separation/divorce form. It’s a nice review of fear versus reality.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4714   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8723478
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 papoula (original poster member #39079) posted at 3:13 AM on Wednesday, March 16th, 2022

hcsv you are absolutely right. I do feel so alone in this marriage.


EllieKMAS I would love to get a cat and a dog but I'm afraid I can't afford it right now. Maybe soon after everything is settled.

I am thinking about getting a second job to keep myself busy and around people.


BearlyBreathing I'm an introvert so I do like to be alone, I just don't like the idea of not having a partner, I guess it's a big part due to my codependency.

I absolutely love the fear vs reality thread. Thanks for reminding me about it. I read some of it but I have a lot left to read it. This thread gave so much strength through the last month.

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 143   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8723479
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cbgrace1980 ( member #64109) posted at 8:29 PM on Wednesday, March 16th, 2022

I am so sorry you are feeling so alone. You are not alone. We are here for you anytime you need to vent. I feel very lonely even when I'm in a room full of people. I do a lot of volunteer work to keep my mind off myself and it has helped me. I've also done counseling which helped tremendously. Hugs to you!

posts: 162   ·   registered: Jun. 12th, 2018
id 8723618
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 papoula (original poster member #39079) posted at 9:45 PM on Wednesday, March 16th, 2022

Thank you cbgrace1980

I will definitely look for activities like gym, 2nd job etc.

I'm trying to start IC.

One day at a time. I think I'll apply for this apartment. I don't like that I has lots of steps and no laundry but oh well. I just want to get out of here ASAP.

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 143   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8723632
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 papoula (original poster member #39079) posted at 1:57 AM on Thursday, March 17th, 2022

I submitted the application for the apartment. I'm feeling better today.

If everything goes well I'll be moving in my new place on April 1st - which I just realized it is April's Fools lol the irony!!!

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 143   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8723678
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 2:20 AM on Thursday, March 17th, 2022

Really proud of you, Papoula. Does the stbxh know of your plans?

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 2:21 AM, Thursday, March 17th]

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5474   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8723681
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 papoula (original poster member #39079) posted at 3:28 AM on Thursday, March 17th, 2022

Thank you OwningItNow

Yep he does know about the apartment because he will have to co-sign it. My income isn't enough. So I told him and asked for some of his documents and information. He's cold and short when talking to me. I guess he hates me now LOL hat a joke!! He cheats and lie and I'm the bad person.

Can't wait to for this POS to be gone forever.

This time I'll go forward. I'll keep pushing it even when I get extremely desperate, sad, scared, afraid, depressed whatever. I'll keep pushing steadfastly. The only way out is through. I have to find the strength.

[This message edited by papoula at 3:31 AM, Thursday, March 17th]

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 143   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8723687
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 3:35 AM on Thursday, March 17th, 2022

Try to remember too that you aren't leaving to be alone forever. You can find and fall in love with a better man one day if you want. All you're doing right now is leaving one that's terrible for you. This will be healthy too, to take some time and learn how to be happy alone and content with your own company. That's where you want to be mentally before you date again. It can be quite a fun journey getting to know yourself without a partner.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4998   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8723689
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 8:59 PM on Thursday, March 17th, 2022

It seems a little late for advice but have you thought about looking for a roommate or a sublease? You know, online adds where someone needs a roommate for 6 months or a sublease for 6 months? That might be a better fit for you.

He cheats and lie and I'm the bad person.

I have to comment... this summarizes a lot of us. barf

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5264   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8723807
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 9:09 PM on Thursday, March 17th, 2022

When I got my new apartment I made it my own and it was wonderful. If I got really lonely I'd go for a walk or sit down somewhere to eat and people watch. When you get settled in you can start venturing out maybe to meet up groups try and meet new people.

It takes time to carve out your path. This is your life now ;)

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8217   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8723811
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 papoula (original poster member #39079) posted at 11:08 PM on Thursday, March 17th, 2022

DevastatedDee I do hope to find a nice man one day and fall in love again. Right now this seems so far away from my reality but I do hope one day it will happen.

I'm also hopeful that leaving this unhappy marriage will be good.

barcher144 I've been looking for room in shared homes or subleases but haven't had much luck. It seem like near big cities it is easier to get these but I live in a small town and didn't find anything that I liked.

I also kept thinking about coming home and having to socialize to a stranger and didn't like much of the idea. I'm an introvert and I like to be on my own, I do feel lonely though.

crazyblindsided I like the idea of going out to eat. I also love to take long walks.
I'll probably going to get a second job to keep me busy and make some extra cash.
I'm thinking about reconnecting with some old friends as well.

I've been feeling better, more hopeful and that's a lot because to the nicest people in here. Thank you everyone!

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 143   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8723842
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 4:06 PM on Saturday, March 19th, 2022

I was pretty apprehensive about being on my own after 27 years of marriage. I remember the first time my ex picked my kids up from my place and I was finally alone. I cried saying goodbye to my girls and then just tried to settle into a routine. I ran a lot which helped me process things. I tried new things, went out on my own, just worked on being comfortable with myself and my own company. Now I am quite content by myself, and actually prefer it.

The best lesson I learned through this came from a monk I met. It's okay to be alone. Being alone does not mean you are lonely. You may experience the feeling of loneliness, but it is just a temporary feeling you are walking through, like wearing an article of clothing or jewelry. It is not a permanent feature and does not define you as a person.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 4:28 AM, Tuesday, March 29th]

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1248   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8724308
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 2:49 PM on Monday, March 21st, 2022

I submitted the application for the apartment. I'm feeling better today.

Yeah - congrats!

Being alone in a relationship is WAY worse than being by yourself. I think you may find you will enjoy your own company just fine.

Bonus: It may take a little time, but a gift is coming:
Peace - in your own safe space
Peace - with moving forward on your path
Peace - with taking control

Is it all roses, well no. But it is way better than the road behind you.

You got this. This is only one chapter in your book; there are many better chapters to come!

posts: 6731   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8724609
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:15 PM on Tuesday, March 22nd, 2022

Just think about the days you don’t have to think about or interact with the STBXH.

That peace of mind will be something you trashed.

Great first steps. 😃

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11901   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8724827
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 papoula (original poster member #39079) posted at 10:56 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

I know I will feel lonely sometimes but I think I can do things to help. I'm planning on getting a second job, join a gym, go to AlaNon and CodA meetings, counseling etc.

A few nights ago I had nightmares all night long about living alone and not being safe. I had a nightmare where I was murdered in my a car in front of the apartment. I think I'll be ok, but I do worry a little. The neighborhood isn't the best and I'll be living there alone. I'll see about getting some safety stuff after I move there.

I also have moments of deep deep sadness and fear about not having a partner. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, I would like to find someone worth it to share my life with but I see so many of my friends single and actively looking for years that I'm afraid I would never find someone and I'll be alone forever.

Unfortunately had a setback about the apartment this week. The apartment that was available for April 1st was rented out and now I'll have to wait until May 1st.
I'm devastated about this. It's been awful to live with WH. I have to be cordial to him but being here I just feel rejected over and over.

Definitely being alone in my own place is better than being "alone" here with him.

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 143   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8725204
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