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Newest Member: PowerWithin

New Beginnings :
I'm terrified to be on my own

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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 5:45 AM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Hey I get the loneliness part. I've been separated 3.5 years and alone for the last two. Prior to that, I had an on/off relationship that sadly did not work out. I miss her more than my STBXWW of 27 years.

I'm not going to blow smoke, you are going to have periods of loneliness, but they are just that, periods. Think of them as the punctuation marks. Your real life is the sentences. The loneliness does not define you, but is only a momentary feeling.

Right now, we are hopefully coming out of a two year pandemic and test of our global value system, so I would be cautious about how I am feeling, speaking for myself. Putting too much stock in one's emotions right now maybe like shopping when your hungry or calling your ex when you've been drinking.

I think that when you have your own space, you might feel a bit better. Nesting helped for me, as did running. Oh, and road trips. I did a few of those. The thing is, I'm getting pretty comfortable doing things solo. I have a favorite pub I go to and do my marking or other work. And yes, everybody knows my name.😏

It sucks losing the lives we thought we had, but we lost them. In all truth, we never really had the lives we thought had, so maybe they're not that lost. But now, right now, you have an authentic, honest-to-God, actual real life that is your own to live. No lies, no deception, no nothing. It may not be ideal but it is better than the alternative...

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 4:30 AM, Tuesday, March 29th]

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1248   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8725612
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 papoula (original poster member #39079) posted at 12:26 PM on Saturday, March 26th, 2022

The best lesson I learned through this came from among I met. It's okay to be alone. Being alone does not mean you are lonely. You may experience the feeling of loneliness, but it is just a temporary feeling you are walking through, like wearing an article of clothing or jewelry. It is not a permanent feature and does not define you as a person.

Justsomeguy love what you said here and I thought about the other day when I was feeling really lonely.

I told myself that it was ok to feel that way, accepted the feeling and remembered it was going to go away.

I know I will have tons of moments like this and I'll just have to learn how to deal with it.

You are right the life I had, I didn't really "have" it and whatever is to come is better than this

Right now I'm no so focused on the fears as my apartment didn't work out for Abril 1st and I'll have to stay in the same house as STBXWH for another month. It's been hell. It's like being rejected everyday over and over. I'm trying to "cordial" and pretend I'm not furious at him because I'm want the D to go smooth and maintain a cordial and friendly relationship at least until everything is settled. I hate living in this limbo but unfortunately I don't have anywhere to go.

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 143   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8726019
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MegMeg ( new member #79978) posted at 10:28 PM on Sunday, March 27th, 2022

Gotta love the Bronte sisters...

I can live alone, if self-respect, and circumstances require me so to do. I need not sell my soul to buy bliss. I have an inward treasure born with me, which can keep me alive if all extraneous delights should be withheld, or offered only at a price I cannot afford to give."

― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

[This message edited by MegMeg at 10:30 PM, Sunday, March 27th]

Me: BS | Him: WS | Children: Grown | Married: 36 years

"I wish I were a girl again, half-savage and hardy, and free."
― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

posts: 26   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2022   ·   location: TN
id 8726262
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 papoula (original poster member #39079) posted at 3:05 AM on Monday, March 28th, 2022

MegMeg loved the quote

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 143   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8726308
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Fablegirl ( member #56784) posted at 9:36 PM on Monday, March 28th, 2022

Everything feels weird at first. Sit with those yucky feelings a bit and know that no feeling is final. You will feel differently a year from now, even a month or two. What helped me was walking a lot and starting a playlist of music that I listened to when the anxiety became too much to handle. Somehow music rewires your brain. Just keep moving, too. I am five years out. Much happier and even though everything is not perfect I do feel relieved about being out of that old life.

posts: 234   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2017   ·   location: Mid Atlantic
id 8726480
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 papoula (original poster member #39079) posted at 1:25 AM on Wednesday, March 30th, 2022

Fablegirl My lease starts 5/1/2022. I hope a year from now, 5/1/2023 I will be in a much better place but exactly like you said, even if it isn't perfect I believe anything will be better than where I am right now.

I've been thinking about Holidays, more specific about Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don't have any family in the States so I might have to spend the Holidays alone or go overseas to my parents home. sad

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 143   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8726792
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:28 AM on Wednesday, March 30th, 2022

Holidays are weird, but you have a little time before those big ones.
Pick one to go home and plan for it. And for the other, don’t worry. I found it to be okay. I found things to do - sometimes people invite me , other times i volunteer somewhere, and sometimes I use the day to do what I want. Cook what I want, binge watch bad TV, go to the movies, long walk, journal… it can be peaceful cathartic day. I just FaceTime with my brothers.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4714   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8726803
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 4:51 AM on Friday, April 1st, 2022

I've been married twice - two horribly failed marriages, horribly. I have now raised my two kids as their dad died when they were little, and I have been single for 17 years because of the fallout of the last marriage. I hate being alone, but now my health is falling apart and of recent, my hair is falling out, so finding a husband when I look like a mess is challenging at best.

I find hobbies - I knit, crochet, play piano some, tried staying involved in church, have a friend that I talk with.

posts: 271   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8727223
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 papoula (original poster member #39079) posted at 6:57 PM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

BearlyBreathing That's a great idea. I think I'm going to my parents for Christmas and spend Thanksgiving alone.

CoderMom It's not just yo I feel like it's been difficult for everyone to find a good relationship. I also see many of my friends stuck in obviously unhappy marriages, and many many single friends of all ages struggling to find someone. Well at least you are not stuck in a bad relationship anymore.

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 143   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8728520
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:39 PM on Friday, April 8th, 2022

Plan your own Friendsgiving event. Maybe the day before Thanksgiving.

You will make friends. Have confidence. Be active in something you love.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11901   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8728780
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 papoula (original poster member #39079) posted at 3:14 PM on Friday, April 15th, 2022

I'm actually starting to feel ok about being alone during the Holidays, at least for now.
It was always so stressful and irritating during the holidays with my STBXWH. Everything had to be and his adult children way. Maybe it will be nice to be my way for the first time.

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 143   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8729919
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countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 1:44 PM on Sunday, April 17th, 2022

My first round of holidays after separation were so very tough. I was such an emotional wreck and I had some family around, but I started making some new friends and creating a non-blood related family. I have more good friends now than I likely had at any point in my life. I'm in a new apartment after selling the family home and I am figuring out where I fit in the earth again. Last year I went to my first "friendsgiving" and only knew 1 person there and it turned out pretty good and have some new friends from it. I have a tiny little sparkly Christmas tree that I put up for Christmas and we loved it. I decided on New Year's Eve 2020 that I would not wallow in pity for myself and try to let go of the devastation the end of my 32 year marriage caused. And that mind game has sort of worked.

My 18 year old son lives with me, but he has a good job and his own friends, so we often just pass each other quietly without much time to visit. I've had my times of loneliness for sure over the past 2+ years but am fortunate to live where there is a good climate and can get out on my bicycle to ride the local paths and trails and use that time as sort of meditation to work through the crazy thoughts in my mind. I occasionally ride with others, but I mainly ride alone and enjoy that time to just think or in some cases, not think. I'm planning on backpacking and hiking more this summer - with others as well as alone.

I don't know if it actually gets easier, but it gets different and different isn't too bad.

[This message edited by countrydirt at 1:46 PM, Sunday, April 17th]

3 adult sonsMarried 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 392   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8730202
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 papoula (original poster member #39079) posted at 11:36 PM on Monday, April 18th, 2022

I don't know if it actually gets easier, but it gets different and different isn't too bad.

I agree with you. It may not be ideal, definitely not where I would like to be but it will be better than how it was. It will be better than being with a person that doesn't respect me, doesn't love me, and doesn't want to be with me.

Loneliness is not something that I will face it without being harmed but I'm felling humiliated right now and being alone sounds a lot better than that.

I think I'm coming to a place of acceptance and although this can change in the future I will keep pushing forward to what I know is best for me and the best for me is out of this marriage and away from my WH.

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 143   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8730425
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StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 7:28 AM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

Don't focus so much on this time as you being all alone. Instead, rephrase. Now is the BEST time to find out who YOU are. Not the wife papoula, but the person you are when you aren't wifing. Peruse the courses being offered next semester at your local college. You can take any course you've ever had an interest in. Rediscover old hobbies, or find new ones that get you out and put a smile on your face.
There is so much life has to offer you if you're only brave enough to reach for it.
Do you enjoy dancing, yoga, bike riding, rollerblading, cooking, playing sports, crocheting, reading (join a book club), ice skating, building things, etc. There is literally an entire world out there to travel to. Start making that bucket list. Put everything on it that you could ever think of doing. Pretend you only have a year to live and just get out there.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB
D: 7/2/2014

posts: 5977   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 8731074
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 papoula (original poster member #39079) posted at 6:33 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

Everyday I get more and more ok with the idea of being alone. It may be because I just want to be away from him so anything other being near him is ok to me and if that means to be alone than so be it.

I've been waiting for almost 3 months to move out and I cannot wait. I'm actually very excited to get my own space and start my new life.

I think in February when I found out about his EA I've reached rock bottom. I think I am finally done with him.

I'm anxious to start this new chapter of my life. I will deal with my loneliness if I fell lonely. I will make it. I'm hopeful.

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 143   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8732743
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truthsetmefree ( member #7168) posted at 1:29 PM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

Papoula - One of THE biggest surprises for me has been to learn how much I LIKE living alone. I was almost 49 yrs old when XWH left. We were just heading into his retirement (I was a SAHM), had adult children and had literally made several offers on land to build a dream home. Being left was the last thing I expected and it fit in with none of the investments I had made throughout all the years to finally get to the point I was at. In short, it was devastating.

And I didn’t just want another warm body in my bed or someone to talk with over morning coffee; I wanted a partner…someone that I had history and connection and memories with. All that to say, my loneliness felt unavoidable. I didn't want to just build a new life with someone else…it felt a cheap substitute for what I had planned and most desired. I saw no way forward toward genuine happiness.

And yet it crept in, slowly, on cat feet. I thought for a long time that I wasn’t interested in dating because I was broken, damaged - and for the reasons above. What’s the point? I asked myself that a lot. And what was the point in building a new life if it couldn’t be what I really wanted? I struggled a lot because I didn’t miss *him* - I truly didn’t; but I missed that life. The gaps began to fill in - new friends, new jobs, new hobbies - but they felt like fillers, empty calories and just enough to sustain me. I said yes to many things…to keep me moving. But I also said no to other things…simply because I didn’t want to do them. And the most amazing thing began to happen in the process - I started to began to know myself. Something I had never had any real opportunity to do because I had ALWAYS been a part of someone else.

And guess what! I’m a pretty freakin’ cool person! Who knew?? These experiences have made me wise and intuitive and complex - and wonderfully sarcastic and realistically cynical when appropriate. But also way less serious about this whole process of life and planning and chasing dreams at all costs. I’m just here, living, doing the next thing - without attachment and now way more resistant to commitment than I am to the fear of some unknown, some uncontrollable. I realize now that it was actually loneliness (or the fear of it) that had kept me stuck all along.

YOU are what you often find in that loneliness. And it is SO worth being in that place to make that discovery. I realize now that without this experience having been thrust on me, I would have died one day without ever having really known myself. And what kind of life would that have been?? I am so grateful that the XWH came…and I’m so grateful that he left. Like he did, in a way that turned everything I knew and thought I wanted/needed upside down. He completely wrecked every single way that I avoided just being with myself - when in reality, *I* was actually who I was looking for all along. ❤️

For the first time in my life I am free from becoming and now live from a perspective of discovering. It had made ALL the difference in the quality of my life.

Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo

posts: 8814   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2005
id 8733007
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sillyoldsod ( member #43649) posted at 9:35 PM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

Great post above truthsetmefree! smile

Papoula, there's a video on YouTube called 'Are You Destined To Spend Your Life Alone?' by Awaken Insight which I found very helpful back in the day. He's a bit 'new age hippie' but still well worth a view imho.

I'm an introvert so I do like to be alone, I just don't like the idea of not having a partner, I guess it's a big part due to my codependency.

I was absolutely terrified of being alone immediately after I separated from my WW. By becoming comfortable with the idea of 'aloneness' you will find your codependency issues reduce considerably and going forward you'll be in a much healthier emotional state if and when there's the possibility of a new relationship.

Best wishes.

I've never met a sociopath I didn't like.

posts: 673   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2014   ·   location: UK
id 8733055
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