SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't mean to be triggering to people here. But I have a question, and I think the folks here might be best place to guide me....

So I matched with a man two years ago, on a dating site. We met up, got on and decided to give things a go.

Then Covid hit. Obviously we couldn't meet up but we kept corresponding, electronically but in long letters to each other. I fell for him and he said it was mutual.

Then he came clean. And he told me he had a wife. But he said he was thinking of leaving her. He came up to see me to talk about it. But when he came, he then backtracked and said he wouldn't leave her.

We kept talking (from my pov because I was head over heels for him). But I knew I didn't want to be with him like that because I want a real partner in my life. I met up with him once more to say goodbye (I have no moral excuse for this).

We didn't talk but he played on my mind for months. We met up again early last year. Again I have no excuse for it.

Since then, we've talked as friends occasionally, for about 10 months.

The whole thing has been playing on my mind for a long time now though. I know I did wrong to leave

with him long after I should have shut the door. And I haven't seen him in 10 months, despite him asking to.

Ultimate question - should I give his wife an option to know about what happened?

(By option, I mean sending a message along the lines of - "I think you know who I am. I don't mean you or anyone any harm. Message me if you want to know more. If not, delete this text and you (or anyone else) never hear from me again").

Some other context:
His affairs are all BDSM based. His wife has occasionally done this but isn't really into it.
I think he does genuinely love his wife. Hence wanting to stay with her. And they have three children together. He had never once bad mouthed her. Quite the opposite. I think he's still very much genuinely in love with her.
He has had many many affairs over around fifteen years of his twenty two year marriage. She has known (found out by accident) of the existence of at least three of these affairs in the past. Once found out each time she cried and begged him to stop. He did stop the immediate affair. Then restarted a different affair with a new partner(s) afterwards.
Directly before me, he had a mistress for 3.5 years. She moved to his city to be close to him. He thinks his wife has a suspicion about this mistress but she never really knew. This only ended because the mistress moved out of the country for family reasons.
He told me that he was on the dating sites looking for a lifelong mistress. Since we met and thing didn't work out, I know that he is still active on the same websites and still looking for the same thing - a lifelong mistress. As well as looking for casual sex, in addition to a mistress.

I've thought long and hard about my motivation for considering doing this. My motivation isn't to destroy anything. Personally, and as strange as it sounds, I think that he is a loving husband and she should stay married to him. But I am vastly aware that this is not my choice to make. And what I want to do is offer his wife the chance to learn more about what her husband really does, rather than being kept (involuntarily) in the dark. I wouldn't send any details unless she then responds to me and asks specifically for them.

My 2 cents: Tell his wife, block him from any possible way of contacting you, and get yourself in to IC to understand why you would be with a married man, damage his family catastrophically, and damage your own integrity for a man who had no intention of being with you. Why let yourself be used, and why knowingly enter that "relationship"?

His wife deserves to know that he is endangering her life and taking her agency from her. He cheats a lot, so the chances of STDs is that much higher— some are deadly. Send proof with your email, and then be good to your word and disappear from their lives. You have done way more damage than you seem to think - I suggest you read in the Just Found Out forum to see the utter devastation cheating, and repeat cheating, causes to the spouse and the kids. And read in the wayward section to hear from other cheaters on how they are working to fix their shit. And seriously - do better. Do a lot better.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 4:42 PM, Sunday, January 30th]

  Moving to Wayward Side

Why do you think she knows who you are? Did she catch him communicating with you?

I ask out of curiosity, but it doesn't change my answer. Yes, tell her. It's true that it may not change her decision to remain in the marriage; she didn't leave after three affairs, so it's unlikely she'll leave after she learns of a fourth and fifth. But she'll know he hasn't changed, and she'll know how he did it -- advertising for a GF, then lying to you about being single, then lying to you about divorce, then proposing a permanent affair. She'll know that he remains intent on deceiving her for the rest of his life and has zero intention of present or future fidelity. These are important things for her to consider for her own physical and emotional safety. If she doesn't make any changes, at least you will have shown her more consideration and respect than she's getting from this man who allegedly loves her.

Personally, and as strange as it sounds, I think that he is a loving husband and she should stay married to him.

Yes, that does sound pretty strange. He is willing to betray, deceive and torment her over and over so he can fuck other women. If he loved her, he would tell her the truth and set her free to find someone who is happy with her alone.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 6:13 PM, Sunday, January 30th]

Step 1: Send her a message. Be direct, none of the coyness that you suggest. "My name is X, I have been having an affair with your H for this long. He has told me about X and Y." Tell her what you know and what he’s done. She has the right to know. If she’s found out about his cheating multiple times in the past, she can handle you being direct. Apologize and mean it. "What I’ve done is inexcusable and I apologize for participating in something that caused you harm." Advise her that you will never contact him again. If she has questions, answer them honestly and completely.

Step 2: Stop talking to him. Forever. Block him and never look back. If he keeps trying to get in contact after that, threaten a restraining order. You are not doing anyone any favours by continuing to speak with him. He’s not a good person. He is no friend to you.

Step 3: Get into therapy. I don’t say this to be cruel. I say this because clearly you are not valuing yourself and holding strong to your own morals in what you accept and expect in a relationship. Low standards are easy to sniff out for men who want to take advantage of that sort of thing, as this man has. You deserve better than that. You deserve more than being someone’s shameful secret.

I wish you all the best.

^^THIS ^^

You know you have done wrong so stop continuing that behavior. It's as simple as that. You delete everything and move on. Get into therapy to explore why you would get involved with someone like the WH. That is not a way to live.

But, first, before going NC you must make amends. You come clean with the BW. You clue her in on ALL the affairs her POS husband has been involved in. She deserves to know exactly what has been going on. No less than that. His wife can then make an informed decision on what to do. She already knows he cheats. She deserves to know the level of his depravity. And no, he does not love his wife. Not even close. He does not love anyone but himself. He is simply incapable of that emotion.

Please tell her

Tell her
Block him
Get some IC to help understand what made you continue a relationship once you knew he was M, knew it was harmful/hurtful, etc and wanted a full time partner yourself. (we ALL can learn to do better)

Be direct about it - a vague I know a secret, let me know if you want in is not direct.
- I met your husband, [name] on [dating site] on x date
- we had sex / other physical contact
- I did not know he was M until X date
- I saw him x times after I learned he was M , and did / did not have physical contact. (And give actual dates if you know), and I apologize for that.
- I last saw him on X date
- we continued to communicate until X date
- he continued to pursue physical contact (if true)
- he told me about x number other As, with X number of OW ( and names or other info you have to help his BW figure out her reality)
- he told me he continues to search for mistresses, and uses X websites to do so.

FWIW, I found out bc my WH’s AP told me. Part of what she told me was how much my WH loves me (and my WH can’t wrap his head around why I may disagree ).

Personally, I would examine your motivations here.

With a AP of mine, last year, I was in a similar boat. I fell for him so hard and he did a number on me. I have all his wife's contact details, his friends, his business contacts. I could blow up his life in 60 seconds flat with one picture. For a long time I thought about doing it. In the end, I didn't because truly, deep down, i knew it was just because i wanted to hurt HIM. Not her. I do feel sorry for her, I'm not her husbands first affair and she seems blissfully unaware. Not my place to shatter her world.

I'd leave it. Leave them both well alone. Forever.

Neverthoughtiwould,

That's an interesting take on the situation.

You have heard of the Golden Rule, right? If your husband had been physically cheating, using escorts or otherwise, would you have wanted to have been told? I know I certainly would want to know.

One simple reason is the risk of STDs. When I had my IUD inserted years ago, one question the OB/GYN asked was if I was monogamous. There's a greater risk of STD transmittal with an IUD. Also, when I saw a new OB/GYN years ago, he told me since I was negative for HPV and monogamous, it would be acceptable to have less frequent pap smears. If my husband had been cheating and I was informed, I would have been able to at least make informed decisions on my health.

It is empathetic to tell the wife. Especially so if she has children, because their mother's health is at risk. Not telling is probably not about revenge. It's probably because you don't want any chance for retaliation to come back to you. That action, just like not telling your husband about your affairs, is the desire not to be troubled by the consequences of your actions.

Her motivation doesn't matter one bit. That BW isn't going to care why this OW tells her the truth. The only thing that matters,is she is that someone is treating her like a human being,and giving her the truth about her husband.

I've talked with various people on this. And motivation often seems to come into this. But, whilst I understand the interest, I'm not sure why.

If a doctor cures a patient, the patient doesn't ask if the doctor only did it for the money, or for a promotion, or because of the prestige of the job, or publication in a medical journal. Or if the doctor cured them *only* because the doctor really really cares about the patient and none of that other stuff (salary etc) matters to them. The true motivation for the doctor is utterly irrelevant to the patient. (Not trying to say I'm the doctor at all, I'm just searching for an analogy here).

But my motivation, whatever else it may be, is not to "blow up his world". The man is a wealthy businessman, who relies on his "good reputation" to maintain his business relations. And all of that information, including his business networks, are publicly available. And I have more than enough proof of what he's been doing to "blow that up".

I will never do that. That is NOT what this is about.

This is about giving one person and one person only, the CHANCE to know what he's really doing and do with that information whatever she wants.

Truth be told, I don't know what the reality is about their marriage. Nor is it my place to know. I know the audience here, but there remains a possibility that this arrangement in marriage works very well for her somehow, and she's happy (as happy as she can be) with things the way they are. In which case, delete my message and nothing more will ever happen. But if she wants to know, I would tell. And she can then do with that information what she wants.

And, a huge part of me doesn't want to do this. If their marriage blows up, I don't want to feel responsible (I *know* I am, but I could just skip away at this point and say nothing, and avoid that situation). She's a lawyer and he is too, as well a businessman, and if this arrangement in marriage works well for them, there is a chance that I could come forward to her, but they could BOTH come after me with legal action and a tonne of funds to go on and on and on.... (not sure with what case, maybe slander - but even without a valid case, trying to defend an action would be harmful to me). And if she wants to know what he does because she really does have no clue, I'd get dragged back in. And it wouldn't be pleasant for me. Not looking for any sympathy *at all*. Zero. Zilch. I'm just trying to point out that this is NOT a particularly attractive or risk free course of action for me to take, and the most self interested option for me may be to just walk quietly away and say nothing at all.

I'm just trying to figure out the Right Thing to do from where I am now.

HIGHERGL,

the most self interested option for me may be to just walk quietly away and say nothing at all.

This may be true, at least on the surface. However, this is bothering your conscience. You seem to be aware what is the Right Thing to do, and that is to tell this woman. It would be kind to give her agency over her life for so many reasons. If you were in her position, you would also want to be told.

Seriously consider that it may be in your best interest to do what you know is right and let this woman know. If you do, you will emotionally and mentally be better off in the long run.

Slander: the action or crime of making a false spoken statement damaging to a person's reputation. Don't say anything false, and you won't have to worry about slander. It most likely that your previous affair partner will be busy dealing with the fall out in his marriage and not worried about you.

She has known (found out by accident) of the existence of at least three of these affairs in the past. Once found out each time she cried and begged him to stop. He did stop the immediate affair. Then restarted a different affair with a new partner(s) afterwards.

there remains a possibility that this arrangement in marriage works very well for her somehow, and she's happy (as happy as she can be) with things the way they are.

???

She has known (found out by accident) of the existence of at least three of these affairs in the past. Once found out each time she cried and begged him to stop. He did stop the immediate affair. Then restarted a different affair with a new partner(s) afterwards.

This is what this man has told you. Why would you believe that he is telling you the whole truth about that? He originally lied to you about wanting a divorce. He's making excuses to himself and you.

there remains a possibility that this arrangement in marriage works very well for her somehow, and she's happy (as happy as she can be) with things the way they are.

Statements like these are simply justifications, weak justifications, for not doing what is right.

HIGHERGL,

Come on. You know what the right thing to do is. You know what the easy thing to do is. What kind of person will you be?

I'm just trying to point out that this is NOT a particularly attractive or risk free course of action for me to take, and the most self interested option for me may be to just walk quietly away and say nothing at all.

No, I agree, it isn't without risk. The question then becomes what you're willing to risk to regain your integrity and make amends, as opposed to protecting yourself from the consequences of your past actions. It's a decision I had to make myself, and I do understand that it's scary as hell.

Maybe she's a BS like my husband, blaming herself for her suspicions and being gaslighted like she's crazy. Or maybe she's let her guard down and has made herself vulnerable to a man who keeps stabbing her in the back. The "maybe she's happy with this reality" is by far the least plausible scenario. Your silence would not be a victimless crime.

I would examine your motivations here.

As a BS, all I can say is nope, nope, nope.

Most BS, including me, don't give a crap about what the motivations are for learning our reality. Again, I found out from the AP, and she told me bc she was PO'd at my WH. Doesn't make one damn bit of difference to me if she told me to purge her conscience or to blow up my WH's life (and me, too). And I would say the exact same thing to a BS. IOW, if a BS is telling the OBS solely to blow up the AP's world, so be it... even if the motivation is less than kind, the result is the same: the other person has gained a reality of which they've been deprived, sometimes for years or decades (also my sitch). And, I think that as anyone (BS, WS, AP) embarks upon a thoughtful journey of healing, s/he will come to see that act from a different perspective.

Just my personal experience.

Yes, it's risky as hell, and scary as hell. I'd bet there are plenty of BSs here on SI who had to tell the OBS or BSO (and I am one of them), who have some pretty similar feelings. I remember feeling scared as all get-out when I notified the AP's BSO, and the fear that it could come back to bite me. Yet, I would do the same thing again in a heartbeat.

Take infidelity out of the equation for a moment, motivations too. Generally speaking, most people, regardless of political party/religion/age/gender/anything can agree on, is that they have a right to know about things that can or will be harmful to them. That's just basic human decency.

If the car you drive has a serious issue with the brakes failing, the manufacturer should tell you, regardless of the outcomes to them or their dealers.

If your doctor found cancer in your recent screening, he should tell you, regardless of your age, your health status or your current amount of stress.

If your child is writing posts online about shooting up a local school, whoever sees it has the responsibility to alert others, including you, so that help can be obtained.

In all of the above cases, motivation isn't the issue. The truth is. Respect and responsibility are.

Some people choose to focus on whether or not they are a "bad person" for getting involved. What I can tell is that no one is a "good person" for hiding a dangerous and serious truth. So take it from that perspective.

The outcome(s) of this for the married man are moot. He's a serial cheater, and at this point, his marriage is not really his biggest worry, he's got a lot of issues with his own integrity and decency and self-respect. Telling can neither hurt nor help him, he's in his own boat and frankly, you aren't on it either.

The wife does have a right to know, and you do have the responsibility to tell her if you can. If I may however, I would focus on YOUR integrity. Don't tell, and you will always wonder if you made the right choice, if someone else got hurt by your inaction, and you will need to find a way to sleep at night knowing that you are carrying someone else's hurtful lie to the grave. That's not someone I'd like to be, is that who you want to be? Can you think of a point in your life where you would say the words, "I'm so very, very proud of myself for not telling that other spouse and allowing her to get hurt. Makes me feel good about myself knowing I protected a serial liar and cheater while continuing to lie to his wife." No? Well, then do something about that. At least you can respect yourself afterward.

Tell her, tell her, tell her.

If the shoe was on the other foot, you would want to know. IF not for anything related to your M (say, you were in an open marriage), at least for your health.

She deserves to know her risk for STD's.

Be a human, tell her now.