This has to stop but how?

No stop sign as I am a big girl and want to hear all perspectives.

I have been married for nearly 20 years, I am 45 and have 3 daughters with my husband.

In 2019 I caught my husband via his phone up to all sorts. Not cheating physically as far as I could see, but porn, looking up girls he had seen when out, looking up a friend of mine, looking at escorts pages, the list goes on. He lied, denied, said it was wank material etc. It broke me. For a year. A whole year of agony, shock, utter hell. Felt like I didnt even know this man!! It was torture. I wanted to leave but absolutely couldn't. Way way too many complications, house, business, disability in the family, not to mention my poor kids who would be heartbroken. So, I stayed. I decided to stay but on my terms. All respect and all trust was gone though and I truly hated hubby. I never got to the truth of it. Staying brought it's own challenges. Resentment mainly. I did everything for him and his betrayal ruined everything.

And so it began. I joined a well known married dating site. For the past 2 years, I have been cheating on hubby. 5 guys.
Guy 1. Just a ONS.
Guy 2. Met twice, then I called it off as no passion from my end
Guy 3. SHIT. This is where the trouble started. I fell for him. He was married too, 10 years. 2 kids and his wife was pregnant with their third when we met online. He didnt tell me, I found out when listening to his bloody podcast. Confronted him and he wore me down and we continued. Pure limerance. We would text, skype, and meet when we could. I still pine for him to this day despite ending it with him because he was (surprise!) Rarely available. If he messaged me now though, I'd respond, despite knowing how awful he is. Very spiteful about his wife and would text me mocking her "snoring beside him" when in bed when 7 months pregnant. Out of them all he was the nastiest and yet, I cant get him out of my system.
Guy 4. He ghosted me after sex and it took a lot of strength to deal with that without telling a soul.
Guy 5. Present day. We've met 5 times, sex lots of times. He is very into me. Me, not so much into him and I can already feel the pull of trying to find someone new. It's too easy for women, the men literally queue up. I've spoken to 100s - same shit every time. Destroyed my belief in marriage altogether.

However. For the first time, I am starting to feel guilt. Never did before, kind of felt like hubby deserved it. Now though he tries so hard with me, is so loving and affectionate and I am starting to forget the pain he caused me and instead, feel guilty for what I'm doing when in reality, my affairs saved me.saved him from the alternative which was me leaving. Saved my marriage and my sanity.

How do I stop? I cant seem to put the brakes on and I know this will end in tears if I carry on. I will get caught eventually.

Cancelled my date with guy 5 which was for tonight. But how can I stop this for good? I'd be bored and I fear the resentment for hubby will kick back in without these distractions.

I cant divorce and I dont really want to. I still love hubby but he opened a pandoras box that I just cant seem to close now.

What should I do. I see no clear way forward.

48 comments posted: Tuesday, February 1st, 2022