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Thank you all for your insight. I know in my mind, that there is a good chance many of you are right, and all this protecting her feelings can be a bad sign, but in my heart I still see him as the man I married, the one who loved me with all his heart and who cherished what we had, who knew what was right and lived by his beliefs. Or maybe that is just who I thought I married, maybe I never really knew him. But I just can't give up hope, that he can and wants to be that man again. I dropped this subject for a while, I want to give him a couple of days to think about it by himself. I did however tell him about writing here, so maybe he will read this thread and see that my thinking is not so off. I will insist on NC letter of some sort, obviously just telling her he doesn't want to talk to her is not enough. If he doesn't want to make the NC message as brutal as I need it, I can live with that, but he will have to stop these interactions one way or another, or change jobs.

If I were you, and I am admittedly very biased here, I would armor up for battle, contact the OW and make clear that until you divorce your H, any inappropriate or unnecessary contact with him means war.

You know, I have been thinking about contacting her for a while. I did sort of put her in her place over email a couple of months back, but there is still so much I want to tell her. On the other hand I don't want her to think she has so much hold over my life. If nothing else, I plan to tell her that she wasn't the only one. She doesn't know anythink about LTA2, I wanted to tell her that myself and face to face and I think I will do that sooner than later. She had problems with WH being intimate with me and doing anything for me and after he told her he lied to her and we did in fact have sex over the entire period of their affair, she ignored him for quite a while, so I belive the info about second LTA should be the last nail in the coffin of their affair.

I did something very similar to what whatisloveanyway did. The adultery co-conspirator tried all kinds of ways to contact my H after he sent the NC message on Dday. My H maintained complete NC...but it didn't stop her from sending something every 2-3 weeks. It kept her in OUR life...and totally PISSED ME OFF!!

I had been advised on here to maintain NC...and I agreed with that advice. But after 5 months of her harassment I just HAD ENOUGH!! I started sending the adultery co-conspirator a barrage of emails...showing her that TWO could play at this harassing game...and I WAS GOING TO WIN!! I baited her into replying...and just like I thought...she couldn't resist .

Of course...she apologized IF she hurt me...then LIED in the next paragraph to intentionally HURT me . She thought that what she wrote would be a he said/she said event that I wouldn't be able to know for sure. She thought WRONG. I GLADLY told her that she was a LIAR...and then proceeded to tell her how I KNEW.

I said a LOT more...and I have to say that it felt GOOD at the time to put her in her place. She had tried to show me how MUCH she and my H had shared of their "soul"...but she had NO IDEA that it was manipulation on my H's part to keep her coming back so he could fuck her . That last email I sent...the coup de grace...WORKED . The adultery co-conspirator has never tried to send anything else in almost 7 years!!

Looking back though...I do regret some of the things I wrote to her. Although they were all TRUE...they were meant to inflict pain. To ME...I went down to HER level. I HURT another human being...and I am not proud of that today. But at that time I NEEDED her attempts at contact to STOP. I also felt at that time that I NEEDED to put her in her place. I accomplished both very well. I let her know that what she had once written to my H...that she felt she was a USED...USELESS...NOBODY...was true. She was a serial cheater...my H was her third A. I would hope that after reading my email she would think real hard before cheating with someone else. So I like to think now that what I did was a service .

If nothing else, I plan to tell her that she wasn't the only one.

I let the adultery co-conspirator know that too . Although my H never actually fucked anyone else...it wasn't from a lack of trying . There was NOTHING special about HER. The adultery co-conspirator had told my H how she thought a waitress at one of the restaurants they went to was hitting on him. From his expense receipts I saw he went to that restaurant 3 or 4 times the next week. My H said he was trying to get the same waitress...but every time he went she wasn't working at that time. When he finally got her...he learned she was married...and he wasn't looking to have sex with a married women . I let the adultery co-conspirator know how we LAUGHED at all the times he went to that restaurant to try and bed the waitress. This showed two things...that WE shared something THEY talked about. And...that the adultery co-conspirator really was...in HER words...a USED...USELESS...NOBODY. Yes...I do like to write that down every now and then. But...it IS the truth...and it IS how most of the adultery co-conspirators feel...especially those like the one you are dealing with now.

Zeta, I can relate so much to how you carry hope in your heart that the man you love is in there somewhere. Deep undying love is a blessing and a curse, because it can get in the way of our ability to see the truth unfiltered. You have to work hard to see the entire picture, especially when you are not in possession of all the information your WH and OW possess. You are still learning who you are dealing with, what his boundaries and morals really are, and what he is still capable of. If I have learned anything here, my WH had no plan, no vision and no explanations for most of what he has done. It has been difficult trying to find a new baseline to our relationship. Like yours, mine hasn't done all or most of what I have asked, probably less than yours. But I have something you don't yet have, which is distance from the OW. My H can barely explain the hold their relationship had on him, and there was no confusing intertwining of careers or continued contact in the mix like with yours. My heart aches for you and the stupid situation you find yourself in. I see so much of me in you, hopeful, hopelessly in love with someone you don't recognize anymore and can barely trust to be honest, let alone never hurt you again. I'm much farther out than you but still very fragile and confused.

I very much enjoyed knocking the selfish clueless OW down a few pegs by telling her there were others, as she thought they had a special deep meaningful relationship. Last night he told me he never wanted to leave me, always wanted to stay married to me and she was no more important in his life than a car. She was an object he used to get what he needed. So why risk us and my sanity for something so unimportant? No answers to that one. I am in complete agreement that she deserves to know she was not special, her version of their relationship is built on fantasy and lies, and that she and the others were distractions in a life he was never willing to leave. Tell her. Hurt her. Shut her down. Make yourself feel better. Scare her off. Whatever works to stop your heart from bleeding out from jealousy, hurt and worry.

I know so many here advocate for NC with the OW, taking the high ground, she's not worth your time, etc. but I also know each of our situations and spouses and their affairs are different. I did what was right for me, and true to the person I am, which is incredibly kind until threatened, then fierce and relentless until the threat is gone. I found myself again, by shifting from passive victim to righteous redneck warrior. It was awful, but it was the battle I found myself in, and I did what I did on instinct, with no plan other than to secure my perimeter while I figured out what next. I destroyed her, burst her fantasy life bubble by making her see the illusion of a deep caring friendship she believed they shared, with the truth that when forced to choose, he was able to ghost her without a backward glance. I made her terrified of having everyone she knew learn who she really was and what disgusting indiscretions she was capable of committing. And the cherry on top was telling her about the other women, the other emails, the other sites he shopped the entire length of their relationship. That part was fun, and helped take away the sting of knowing just how low my H could stoop in his tangled mind and how very wrong I had been about him and our relationship for years.

There is no chance at rebuilding a relationship until the threat of cheating and lying is as dead as you can kill it. I still worry that my H's worst impulses will rise again from the grave like a zombie, and I guess that is the price we pay as BS who choose to stay with a person who has proven unworthy of true love and trust. Again, good luck to you. If you take nothing else away from my ramblings, let it be this: I don't regret anything I said or did to the OW, only that I took too long to do it. Harder than dealing with what my H did to us and to me is accepting what I failed to do to protect myself. I deserved better and I am working very hard now to be worthy of and true to myself moving forward. I wish the same for you.

Whatisloveanyway, it blows my mind how someone half way around the world can get me, my feelings and what I need so completely. I guess love is really a universal language and betrayal is unfortunately universal as well. I also see so much of me and my story in yours, have seen it since the first time you replied to my original post, when I wasn't even aware yet, how deep my husbans's betrayal was. Thank you for all your help and I wish you all the best and hope your WH will be everything you deserve from now on.

USED...USELESS...NOBODY

Want2BHappyAgain, I might borrow your words, when I contact AP1. That is exactly the message I want to convey. She was and is useless and nobody and her great romance was just a dirty little bubble that popped the second he had to choose. I just need her to know that and I hope it will hurt.

.

[This message edited by ZetaCephei at 8:57 AM, Wednesday, December 8th]

Sorry,but if he doesn't want to hurt her, its because he still has feelings for her.

The truth is,you have NO idea what is going on at work. None. You only know what he tells you, and he has proven for NINE years that he has NO problem lying to you.

I think he doesn't want to make her mad,because if he makes her mad, she might tell you the truth.

This affair isn't over.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:37 PM, Saturday, December 4th]

Also,don't bother telling her to stay away. She knows he's married. She doesn't care. She isn't the problem anyway. Yes. She is a selfish,horrible woman..but it's your husband's refusal to tell her to stay away permanently that's the real issue.

I'm not familiar with your story. How did Dday 1 and 2 happen? Was he caught? Or did he come to you,and tell you the truth?

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:48 PM, Saturday, December 4th]

HellFire, you can find my story at https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/654682/is-reconciliation-possible-after-really-long-term-affair/.

In short, he was caught. I found him with his burner phone and he had no other choice than to admit to 9 year LTA on D-day1. I suspected something was going on with AP1 for quite some time before that, but never imagined, there could be more, so I didn't question his story after D-day1. About 2 months later I asked for a detailed timeline and got it, but there were some inconsistencies and I threatened to leave is he doesn't give me the whole truth. So on D-day2 he admitted to another LTA (going on for the past 5 years) and 4 ONS.

[This message edited by ZetaCephei at 7:22 PM, Saturday, December 4th]

Very gently, he is a serial cheater. You want to believe he is the man you thought he was. But he isn't. That was a mask. He still works with his main AP. Again, you have NO reason to believe he has suddenly become honest, when he has spent nearly a decade lying to you. You want to believe he is remorseful. But..he wasn't sorry, when you didn't know about it.

A serial cheater, who doesn't want to do a very basic NC letter. A serial cheater who doesn't want to hurt his main AP's feelings.

I would,at this point, have him take a polygraph. I would want to know if he is still in the affair,and if he has been telling the truth about his interactions with AP since dday.

A remorseful WS would have quit that job. A remorseful WS would call the BH and tell him about the continued contact by OW. A remorseful WS would have ZERO problem writing the NC letter you are asking for. A remorseful WS would put his wife's needs over hurting OW.

Since he knows about this site,and since he says he is remorseful, he should sign up,and post on the wayward forum. The FWS here have a very finely tuned bullshit meter. If they believe he isn't being honest, they will call him on it,and tell him what he needs to be doing if he wants a successful reconciliation. How he responds to them calling his lies out,would be very telling for you.

We talk a lot about the WS fog. But not so much about a BS fog. I believe you are deep in that fog.

You deserve better. Far better. Demand it.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:52 PM, Saturday, December 4th]

Yep, they will keep talking and it will keep you from healing. He needs to look hard for another job. You are the priority, not the woman who doesn't care about your feelings.

They connect with the happy places in their brains everytime they meet or chat. Goodbye to all that pronto.

ZC can you not see that his behaviour towards all the women in his life are giving you all false hope???

His words give you hope your marriage will "be good again", (though was it truly that great when you realise he was lying to your face while having relationships that last longer than some marriages?) but like you it appears the OW also has hope their relationship will recover in some capacity because him "trying" to NC confuses her, she doesn’t understand because it hasn’t been a proper break and that’s because she hasn’t been giving a proper break up NC.

He needs to divorce one of you and divorce is not kind, it’s cold and final. Either he divorces you and you can be free of this serial cheater or he divorces her by giving her a proper brutal NC outlining in clear detail that not only was he still treating you as a loving husband all that time but that there was others, the other LTA as well as ONS, she was not his true love, she was a number. You informing her about those other women will piss her off for sure but since the death blow didn’t come from him she might see it still as the poor clueless bitter wife trying desperately to hurt her... no the information that she wasn’t special, wasn’t the beloved MUST come from him in his NC, he needs to email it and BCC you. He has to treat the NC as a proper divorce break up, no kindness because kindness blooms hope. The main bit is making it clear as can be he was never exclusively hers.

Unless you’ve seen proof, not for a second do I believe he has properly informed his boss or HR about this, most likely minimised it. The fact he is so avoiding hurting OW feelings and breaking it off with her is proof he would have been wishy -washy with all that because it’s so contradictory, he supposedly told his boss the full truth about a 9yr+ torrid work affair but won’t hurt her feelings and rock the boat at work by sending her a proper NC letter?? That’s a clash.

He needs to make a firm choice, divorce her or you. He can’t string you both along with this hope you have a future with him.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 11:23 PM, Saturday, December 4th]

ZC,

You wrote, He has a friend, who knows about the affair and supports him on his path, but she is also AP's friend, so he didn't talk to her about this problem.

Does he have any male friends he can talk to?

Does he constantly cultivate "friendships" with females which I'm not against, but your WH has devious motives and he clearly cannot control himself.

He had two long term affair, that you know of, for heavens sakes, and many ONS!

If anyone needs a polygraph your WH does.

Are the OWs married or not?

I was pretty much aware something was going on for the better part of the affair and tried to talk to him about it many times over the years. With no success, so about three years ago, I sort of gave up on our relationship. I believed whatever they had was over at the time

May I ask if you knew/suspected this specific AP or was it a generalized, amorphous feeling of something wrong?

If you had specific points to bring up to him all this time, what was so different about seeing him talking/texting on a new phone?

I'm trying to figure out if he had had enough of her, if it was fizzling out, if she was making demands, or what.

You see I am married to a serial cheat who takes breaks, sure, but never really went NC with any of them. The most serious threats to the M were two COWs and a SIL. He would rather die by fire than have people think he was not in perfect control of his life, his decisions and me, the lowly wife.

I don't like checking on him. He doesn't mind, he says he deserves it

Mine doesn't mind either. I check on him and he loves it. It feeds his ego. He thinks it's the price he has to pay for being so irresistible to women.

...for the physical part. A few out of town conferences (maybe one or two a year and not even that in the last two years) and an occasional afternoon (once a month, rarely twice and nothing physical in the last year and a half).

In a the longer affairs they don't have to meet up very often. If they didn't get physical for a year and a half, then for intents and purposes it must have seemed over to your H. Why the need to confess if it was mostly in the past and why the need to start having sex again after this D Day? This does not seem to add up. Why confess to the 9 year one and not the 5 year one if that's the one that was physically active?

My intent is to encourage you to pursue disclosure to your H's HR department. As unpleasant as it is, I think you have to insist on getting a written report, from HR so you know not only did your H inform his boss, but also HR. The file should be signed by the person that you would be able to call and confirm if need be.

From that you have something to hold over the AP. She's going to have to behave because someone's watching.

Your H should have zero objections since he already informed his boss, he says. I'm not suggesting something huge and scandalous, I'm suggesting something that the company has on file that spells out that these two employees will not be sent out of town for work together and why. They can send AP her own copy to read at her leisure.

I see no reason for your H to object. Esp. since he claims he told his boss.

The NC letter. I don't think it's ever going to happen. If it does, he could go behind your back and square things with her. He ignored her demands not to do certain things with you and maybe that's the kind of guy he is. Why butt heads?

I would pursue the HR thing and hold off on the NC letter.

I would also tell the OBS and please do not warn your H. Never speak of it and just do it. This should be how you let her know about the other 5 year AP. Through her H.

I wonder how fast it will get back to your H and if he takes her side even a little bit. You are going to need the letter from HR in case your H allows AP to convince her BS that you are crazy.

So my best advice is to insist your H go to HR. Get a copy of the report. This will be something on file to protect your H. That it was mutual, is over, no company travel is advised and both parties get a copy. Who could argue with that?

One last thing. The friend who talks to your H and is a friend of AP. Your H has to drop her too. Affairs have consequences. No go-betweens. Your H may be disciplined enough not talk to her about it but make sure she's not making the case for her friend to your H.

May I ask if you knew/suspected this specific AP or was it a generalized, amorphous feeling of something wrong?

I suspected this specific AP. I found some suspicious emails from him to her very early in their affair, before it even turned PA, but unfortunately let him convince me, nothing was happening despite evidence building up over the years. But he somehow managed to explain everything just enough, so that I believed what I wanted to belive and didn't listen to my gut.

If you had specific points to bring up to him all this time, what was so different about seeing him talking/texting on a new phone?

I'm trying to figure out if he had had enough of her, if it was fizzling out, if she was making demands, or what.

After catching him with the burner, I demanded to see the phone and he had no other chance than to confess. He told me just about LTA1 at the time, but ended it with both of them. I found out about LTA2 and ONSs a couple of months later. There were no problems between them and he says if I hadn't caught him, both his affairs would continue.

If they didn't get physical for a year and a half, then for intents and purposes it must have seemed over to your H. Why the need to confess if it was mostly in the past and why the need to start having sex again after this D Day? This does not seem to add up. Why confess to the 9 year one and not the 5 year one if that's the one that was physically active?

This was a lie that he told me on D-day1. As it turned out, they of course had sex right up to that day and also twice after D-day1, when she tried to convince him to change his mind with a quicky in his office and he was supposedly such a mess that he didn't think clearly and didn't turn her down . He completely shut that down after the second time, 5 days post Dday.

Regarding reporting to HR -there is no HR in his organization. I live in Europe, so maybe things are different here, but smaller organizations here often don't have an HR department. Their boss already knows and she agreed they won't work on joint projects, so there in not much more to be done here.

[This message edited by ZetaCephei at 11:46 PM, Sunday, December 5th]

Does he have any male friends he can talk to?

Does he constantly cultivate "friendships" with females which I'm not against, but your WH has devious motives and he clearly cannot control himself.

Are the OWs married or not?

He has male friends, but the friend I mentioned above is the only one, besides his boss, who knows about the affair, and just about LTA1. So he mostly talks about it with me. Btw, I don'feel threatened by this friendship, I never had any bad vibes about her.

OW1 is married and OW2 is single.

Sorry to hear of your troubles. I totally get why you want her to hurt. I also feel this way and told my WH that if AP is hurt she only has herself to blame as she should have never been involved with him in first place. I worry not telling AP to completely go away is leaving the door open for a way back to affair. I want to move away in order to ensure no contact means just that. The biggest issue is like you said our feelings did not seem to matter when the affair was happening and if its truly ended the AP feelings are no longer a priority. I am beginning to think my WH’s feelings are his priority and neither mine or AP really matter to him. Its just plain selfishness.

It's your choice of course, but get in the right frame of mind. Meaning what do you want to accomplish and how will you do that to your satisfaction?

I think the urge to stand up for ourselves is perfectly normal. I think it is made stronger when the WS is failing to stand up for the BS and yours is failing. And your gut ain't gonna shut up about it, as it should be. So decide if it's more important that he do his job or, failing that, you need to do you.

The OW called me the day my WS dumped her. I had no clue it was coming. Strange thing happened. I felt this eerie calm. Time slowed down. I noticed everything in slomo - her breathing, her panic, the way the sun was hitting my fridge as I sat in my kitchen. In that calm I managed to keep my cool, ask what I wanted to ask and even shoot off a few questions to test her truthfulness (she failed).

I realize now what that calm was: she was giving me power. She was frantic and hurt and pissed and the life she wanted (mine) had slipped away. I felt it, knew it, almost smelt it and it empowered me.

Bear in mind, she may feel the same if you contact her. Set your tone. Know what you will say and why.

And remember that cheaters lie.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 8:08 PM, Monday, December 6th]

Zeta,

I just wanted to share something about my own experience that may be of assistance. My H and his married AP continued to work for the same company post D-day. They worked several floors away from one another and did not work on any projects. The need for them to be in the same room was minimal and was limited to some large meetings or company-wide events. That said, there was the chance of running into one another in common areas (elevators, the lobby, conference rooms, etc). He was committed to R and knew that him remaining at his job (which had HUGE financial benefits to us and our family) was contingent only on my level of comfort in the area (I had agreed to see how it would go but we both agreed that he would leave if it wasn't working out). My comfort level was somewhat assuaged by the fact that OW was also trying desperately to R with her own BS (who I was in communication with). We had all agreed that there would be no unnecessary contact at the office.

Anyhow, one of our rules was that he would notify me as soon as possible if he so much as saw her. One time a few months post D-day he was required to attend a large seminar in a boardroom in the office - he had advised me beforehand that she would likely be in attendance. He called me afterwards to advise that she had arrived late and had sat in the only empty seat near the door which was right across from him. He assured me he avoided eye contact and did speak with her. I was annoyed but I figured the contact wasn't intentional on her part. A week later, he was eating lunch in a common lunchroom with some other colleagues and she came in to use the microwave - someone else at his table said hello to her and she replied and then SAT DOWN AT THE TABLE and continued to socialize with others at the table. He said he was shocked, kept his head down, packed up his lunch and quietly excused himself from the conversation. He returned to his office and called me immediately. He was upset because he felt like maybe she was trying to make him feel uncomfortable and he knew I would be livid (he was right!). We chatted for a bit and he agreed that I would reach out to OBS to advise of what had occurred and to clarify that this was unwanted and unacceptable. I texted OBS that evening and it was clear that: a) he had not been informed about this; b) he was NOT happy about it; and c) they were both embarassed about it. He relayed her "explanation" for why she had felt it was okay to sit at the lunch table and at my husband's insistence I responded with, "Honestly, we don't really care what her excuse is, we just want to be assured that it will not happen again. WH doesn't want to see her or hear from her AT ALL unless is is absolutely necessary for work purposes." This clearly seemed to work as she kept her distance after that. If she had not, my husband was fully prepared to leave his job or notify HR or whatever else was required.

I long-windedly write all this because I want you to see that what you are asking is not at all unreasonable - I think it is a practical, if not necessary, consequence of having a workplace affair. If your H wants to R he needs to be "all-in", that means he is willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe and comfortable. That absolutely, 100% means NO CONTACT. I appreciate our situations are different. You don't have an OBS to help police the situation. You *DO* have a boss/manager who is looped in. I feel like this is even MORE important in your situation than mine given the differences in our situations.

It pains and worries me that you don't feel 100% justified in demanding this from your husband. I get that you have a history with this man and that people do not change overnight (trust me, I really do), but this is your time to create the new boundaries and rules for your future relationship. Don't just accept the best you think he is willing to give, demand what you deserve and let him rise to the challenge. You deserve THAT.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

Just a quick update. After my last post here I dropped the subject for a few days, to give him time to think. Then I explained, what this thread helped me realize, that what I really need from him is not revenge against her, but to make her realize, once and for all, that he wants no interaction with her ever again. And that worrying every day, if this is the day she approaches him again and how he will respond is just killing me. I told him that doing it the way I described in my original post would mean a lot to me, but that he was free to do it his way, as long as he gets the message through. And to my surprise he agreed to everything. She came to him again in the meantime and I think he finally realized there is no nice way to get the NC enforced, so he went all in. He even agreed to tell her about the other affair, which I was saving to do myself, in person, but in the last month I just felt too exausted and not in the right state of mind to confront her and I wanted to be through with her so I asked him to do it. Dind't expect him to actually do it though, so it was a nice surprise. He sent the NC message today. His choice of words was a little nicer than what I would have written, I would certainly add insult to injury, but the NC message contained all the neccessary information, the ugly truth and even some more details than I expected. Now I hope she gets the message and gathers enough pride to stop chasing after a guy who explicitly told her he wants nothing to do with her.

So today is a good day. A first truly good day since D-day1 and I plan to enjoy every minute of it. I know we are not out of the woods yet, not even close and there will be a lot more lows on this rollercoaster, but today I don't care. Today is good. He gave me a ring between Ddays, when I only knew about one LTAP (he ended both affairs after D-day1, but only told me about the one I had proof of). He said he knows he destroyed our marriage, but would like a chance to start again, to show me he is capable of change and gaining my trust back, and the ring was supposed to represent a new beginning. I loved it, not just because it is beautiful, but also because he put a lot thought into the selection and the stones and design have deeper meaning for us both. After D-day2 I took the ring off, I just didn't see much chance of new beginnings with him and today is the first day I actually thought about wearing it again. It was just a thought, I am not really ready for that step, but I do see a glimmer of light, of hope in this mess. It is nice to have a good day after 6 months of darkness.

[This message edited by ZetaCephei at 1:30 AM, Saturday, December 25th]

Hi Zeta,

I am glad that he sent the NC letter, it hope it was utterly clear.

Your WH hasn’t proven that he deserves to be trusted yet. 2 LTAs and More than one ONS. Plus The fact it took him so long to send the NC letter is not a positive sign. He didn’t want to hurt her feelings, what about yours and your M. He portrays as a repentant long time serial cheater. 2 simultaneous LTAs. My xh had a 5 yr LTA. It was 5 yrs of lies, plus the previous 5 yrs. Please keep your eyes open. You are not at his work and you only know what he has tells you.

While I understand the desire to inflict pain to the OW, I would be VERY careful. Do not give her any new information, do not send any emails, all of this can be shown to their employer and cause you a lot of negative impact. I suspect that he told her everything about your M. My xh told his girlfriend everything. EVERYTHING. She can cause a lot of harm. While the AP is far from innocent, your husband deserves your ire.

Why can’t your wh get a new job. The job market in many areas is hot these days. Has he seriously tried? There is literally no reason not to job hunt.

I am going to play a bit of the bad guy. Your husband has picked you now, and you seem happy with that. Honestly,he isn’t much of a prize right now. Do you pick him? And why? Remember you are the prize and deserve fidelity. In the last decade he has had 2 very long LTAs where he didn’t pick you and he did a superb job lying. It is possible he will be a nice guy for a while and go back to either one of his APs.

Be careful, I hope that he doesn’t revert to his cheater ways , while you are thinking everything is better.

I sincerely wish you the best.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 4:28 PM, Monday, December 27th]

Me: BW

Him: WH, 9 years + 5 years LTAs simultaneously + 4 ONS

Dday1: July 2021, Dday2: September 2021

Just living from day to day, not capable for any major decision at the moment

Tallgirl, after I read her profile, I was thinking the same thing too. No way is he to be trusted, especially at this point in time. Way too early. And he is still working with the AP. Not good at all.

Zeta, what has your WH done to prove to you that he is now a safe partner? I'm sorry but I am going to have to agree with Tallgirl, something also tells me the same. He may be telling you one thing and in the meantime taking the affair deeper underground. That is what my deceased WH did at the time when he was with one of his last AP.

He also told her that they couldn't be in his words "friends" anymore. And he even went to see her in person to let her down softly.

For the longest time I couldn't understand why he needed to go and tell her anything more. It should have been done over the phone. But he was a very good liar and I also believed him when he told me that they were through. But the truth is that they just took the A deeper underground.

Both Tallgirl and I both have been down the same road as you are traveling. It's a horrible journey. I never thought that my now deceased WH was capable of cheating. And I'm sure you also felt this way about your WH too. So sorry that you are here and dealing with the same things too.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 6:15 AM, Monday, December 27th]