Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
Wife has been having an 11 month affair, advice needed

default

redbaron007 ( member #50144) posted at 8:12 AM on Monday, November 1st, 2021

But seemed to want to shrug this off on a few different incidents. Like the back scratch fight, and just being angry about it and loosing a "spark" after that fight. Holding resentment twoards me.

This clearly demonstrates your WW's complete failure to take responsibility. Instead she's blame-shifting. What happens the next time she resents you for something - in 2,5,7 years?

Me: BS (44)
She: WS (41)
One son (6)
DDay: May 2015 (OBS told me)
Divorced, Zero regrets, sound sleep, son doing great!
A FOG is just a weather phenomenon. An Affair Fog is a clever excuse invented by WS's to explain their continued bad behavior.

posts: 227   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2015   ·   location: West Coast
id 8696076
default

 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 3:44 PM on Monday, November 1st, 2021

Had a friend call me today, and ask me a pretty simple question.

He said "if my wide did this to me, what would you say?!"

I couldn’t argue, a few months back I would have told him to leave her. How could I not?! That’s always been the line drawn in the sand for not only me, but my wife as well. However, I NEVER thought I’d have to face this, ever.

I haven’t been able to get over that. It’s been extremely heavy on my mind. We took my daughter trick or treating yesterday for Halloween. As we are waking around, I couldn’t even fake being happy. I was emotionally drained. But as we walked the neighborhood I just kept asking myself, "what the fuck are you doing?" How can you actually live with this.. Yes, it will hurt SO badly to leave her and file for D. But, can I ever really respect myself if I stay? Won’t I always feel like a weak man.

My wife kept coming up to me as we are walking the neighborhood saying things like "I love you" , "you are so handsome", "I am so lucky to have you as a husband". It all made me sick. I just kept my distance from her.

When we got home, and got the kids to bed. She told me how sorry she was. How I never deserved this. I didn’t do anything wrong, and this is all on her. I was nothing but a perfect husband, and dad. She’s so mad she didn’t see that, and lost her way. How she’s willing to do anything to earn back my trust and love.

I just kept thinking man… how the fuck did it come to this. My wife is asking for forgiveness after having a insane level affair. Like, really?! Am I really still in this persons presence?

I start therapy this week. She starts IC as well. But I don’t know. My mind keeps changing day to day. But I can start to see the writing on the wall. Just because this was our absolute no.

She’s going to tell a few of her friends to is week, and one or two of her younger family members. Since the holidays are coming up, we will have to be around them. I told her, they are used to seeing me in such a good mood. And now they won’t. They need to know why, this is your shame to bear, not mine.

Thanks you all

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8696123
default

nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 4:28 PM on Monday, November 1st, 2021

Ark, will she show you the message that she will be sending to them? Or will you be able to listen in on the conversation? What she says, whether she minimizes it, what she pins as the reason why (like blaming the relationship/pointing out what you did to make her lose sight), it will tell you a lot about where her head is at. You don't need anyone walking away from that thinking you had any part in the break down of the relationship causing her to cheat or believing a lie that the A wasn't as bad as it was.

posts: 5072   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8696153
default

 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 4:33 PM on Monday, November 1st, 2021

I told her I’d like to be there. And sit silently. But if I’m not able to be there, I will be calling them later to confirm she told the entire truth. Their husbands are also good friends of mine. So I will be filling them in. She won’t be able to dodge this one. I won’t allow it

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8696155
default

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 5:55 PM on Monday, November 1st, 2021

Ark

Sometimes it’s ok to say to a wayward spouse:

"What you did has destroyed what we had. Trust is gone and you have emasculated me. And having done it with our child growing inside of you at the same time is disgusting.

My heart loves you. But my head hates you. I can’t understand why, but the truth is, I wasn’t enough for you and for a year you gave your heart and body and mind to another man more than you were giving it to me.

So to be honest. Our old marriage is dead. We may have a relationship of some sort going forward. Definitely as coparents. Maybe some day as friends. Perhaps friends with benefits who knows.

But what is clear, the moment you chose to be intimate with another man, we stopped being husband and wife, partners who are in love.

So I think it’s best we legally end the marriage your choices destroyed. I promise to try to be fair in terms of the D as long as you are as well.

This has broken my heart. And I am very sad. But I cannot go on as your husband. I need to work on healing. And honestly, you’re a constant reminder of what you did.

My hope is down the road after months of therapy and years of getting to know each other again, perhaps we can find a way to build something new. But I can’t promise that. I can’t make any guarantees.

I vow to best coparent our children with you as best I can. That’s all I can give you right now. Please understand why I am saying this. I need to stop hanging on that something that isn’t there anymore and I hope you’ll work with me to do what I need to have right now.

And for right now it’s to end what no longer exists.

Ark I think your thinking what I’m saying. You’re at least feeling it.

She did something devastating. Doesn’t matter what was happening between you at the time, she showed you that you weren’t her one and only and focused not on working on the marriage, but instead decided to just drop an atom bomb on it.

You can’t just put this back together with super glue and tape. You need to take this relationship back down to the foundation. To before you were married or even engaged. You need to be acquaintances again before you can be anything else.

It can be done. It can happen. But is it likely that you two will some day find each other again and grow old together in a happy relationship. No. It’s not likely.

But to me, the only real chance to do that is not on the path you are on now where you have to basically swallow your ego and feel awful about yourself. To me the real chance is when you tell yourself The only real response to what she did is to divorce. What happens after that, your leaving Open all possibilities.

But know that once you do, at least anything next will be on your own terms. Your own choices. And if that choice down the road is to try again with her, then you will have made it as a person who has worked on himself in IC, become stronger and more sure of himself, and will be making such a choice not because you feel you HAVE to but because you WANT to.

I hope this helps.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:33 AM, Tuesday, November 2nd]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3227   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8696182
default

Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 12:19 AM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

I believe that playing the "we're together" role for the holidays may not be the best move. It will exacerbate everything you are experiencing, making you more stressed out. Your older daughter will (and already has) realize something is wrong anyway. So I would re-consider; separating more now will let you start to heal and gain perspective. Then, when you connect with your kids you will be less stressed and hopefully less pained too. It will also give you some distance to really consider next steps.

Your WW seems to be getting to the right mindset but that doesn't mean it will be enough to offer her R. That is your choice. But if she is really getting there, it will make even D a bit easier.

posts: 405   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8696268
default

longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 12:43 AM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

Mind games are defined as acts designed to have a desired psychological effect, typically for amusement or competitive advantage. Sometimes called love bombing.

Ask yourself, during the year your wife was having her 50 or so fuck sessions, did she make statements like she did yesterday? Ever?

Why are you supposed to think that what she is saying now is for anything other than her own advantage. Instead of feeling sick about it, maybe you should tell her to stfu.

At least you can let her know that her new found desire for you is not being believed or appreciated.

By the way, shouldn’t she be thinking about getting a job? I know the baby is only a month old, but is she expecting to go on like before forever ? How’s that gonna work?,

posts: 1091   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8696277
default

beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 1:11 AM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

She's now on damage-control mode. She's throwing a lot of love bombs and offers unlimited sexual favors. This won't last. Her true self will show up anytime soon especially when you don't reciprocate.

posts: 398   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8696283
default

smolderingdark ( member #64064) posted at 1:19 AM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

Cheating is a deal breaker for some and no matter how they attempt to get past the betrayal it lingers and festers.

It is a deal breaker for you whether you realize it now or not.

11 month affair. Through out the entire conception and pregnancy of your second child. Very classy. You can bet she didn't give a second thought about passing the child off as yours even if it was not.

There are many divorced couples that co-parent successfully after divorce. You could too.

My wife is asking for forgiveness after having a insane level affair.

She is just that selfish. Cheaters can find all sorts of justifications for the questionable behavior. You aren't obligated to stay with them

You wife has had many pretty words for you...

My wife kept coming up to me as we are walking the neighborhood saying things like "I love you" , "you are so handsome", "I am so lucky to have you as a husband". It all made me sick. I just kept my distance from her.

When we got home, and got the kids to bed. She told me how sorry she was. How I never deserved this. I didn’t do anything wrong, and this is all on her. I was nothing but a perfect husband, and dad. She’s so mad she didn’t see that, and lost her way. How she’s willing to do anything to earn back my trust and love.

Pay attention to your wife's actions. Not what she says.

11 month affair. Through out the entire conception and pregnancy of your second child.

Two separate homes for your children is better if one of those homes is stable and happy. Certainly better than you all under one unhappy roof while your wife's betrayal eats away at you.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 1:20 AM, Tuesday, November 2nd]

posts: 140   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2018
id 8696284
default

Repossessed ( member #79544) posted at 2:10 AM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

while your wife's betrayal eats away at you.

This is the crux of your predicament. What measure can you take to seize back your narrative, your story without blowing everything up, if that's what has you shackled. For my part, its the question I agonized over many years, and with hindsight, I am now certain of what I'd like to have done some 5+ years ago. Divorce her and stay in house for the moment.

The boldness, and sheer force of the act serves multiple purposes. You reclaim some semblance of your dignity by the shock and awe of your forceful action. Serving her fires a clear shot across her bow. She's now on notice that you are no doormat who will capitulate to the pathetic manipulations of lovebombing. The legal detangling while remaining in-house puts you in proximity to your children who continue under your watchful, paternal, eye. And, unlike often advised physical separation, you satisfy your appetite for knowing what she's up to in real time (your need for this will dissipate over time).

You can decide on anything else later as the circumstances warrant. Divorce with separation, or reconciliation will come down to what you observe in her behavior down the line, and how you feel about yourself then.

How you feel about yourself is the all important thing that needs tending to.

Here to keep myself mindful that I don't always see what actually is. I certainly didn't when I married her.

posts: 59   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Chicagoland
id 8696295
default

LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 2:11 AM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

Love bombing is a cruel manipulative tool waywards use to worm themselves back into a safe space where you’ll forgive and forget. You’ve probably fallen victim to love bombing in the past without realising what it was, ever have a disagreement where she was in the wrong and she rug swept the responsibility by initiating sex or showering you with compliments?

You need to shut this down early because she will definitely go into love bomb overdrive when everyone is together over the holiday season, she’ll put on the show of "look how sorry and in love I am with my husband". The added benefit of shutting it down early is because her true colours will start to come out and you’ll be able to gage where her mind is at, when a manipulative tactic doesn’t work their mask slips that little bit more.

Still not reading about remorse, just words which mean nothing considering how expert she is at lying to your face.

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 220   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8696296
default

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 2:15 AM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

It seems that playing happy family is killing you, even if it's for your kid. And she already feels that something is wrong. I think you shouldn't continue this. Your WW is trying to use this opportunity to seek forgiveness. You should make it clear that she has to stop and it disgusts you.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 8:20 PM, November 1st (Monday)]

posts: 564   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8696297
default

rambler ( member #43747) posted at 4:35 AM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

You are in the part where there is nothing she can say that would make you feel better, however, if she was not saying those things it would be worse.

She must follow these up what actions. Time will tell and at 30 you have some time.

making it through

posts: 1279   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8696311
default

redbaron007 ( member #50144) posted at 7:51 AM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

But as we walked the neighborhood I just kept asking myself, "what the fuck are you doing?" How can you actually live with this.. Yes, it will hurt SO badly to leave her and file for D. But, can I ever really respect myself if I stay? Won’t I always feel like a weak man.

You will feel weak only if your actions don't align with your core values. Say, if you think adultery is a deal-breaker for your marriage, yet you stay after your wife has cheated, then your actions don't align with your core values, and you will certainly feel weak.

My wife kept coming up to me as we are walking the neighborhood saying things like "I love you" , "you are so handsome", "I am so lucky to have you as a husband". It all made me sick. I just kept my distance from her.

When we got home, and got the kids to bed. She told me how sorry she was. How I never deserved this. I didn’t do anything wrong, and this is all on her. I was nothing but a perfect husband, and dad. She’s so mad she didn’t see that, and lost her way. How she’s willing to do anything to earn back my trust and love.

I just kept thinking man… how the fuck did it come to this. My wife is asking for forgiveness after having a insane level affair.

Cheaters are master manipulators who go to incredible lengths to deceive their spouses during their affair. You did not have a clue when she conducted her affair throughout her pregnancy. If she is capable of that level of deceit, would you not expect her to love-bomb you so you don't kick her to the curb? It is NOT because she loves you, NOT because she is remorseful, but ONLY because she thinks she can win you over by flattery, and she gets away scot-free, zero consequences.

Do yourself a favor and move on. You are obviously young, good looking and successful, there's absolutely ZERO reasons for wasting your life with person with zero integrity. This cannot be fixed with a standard "MC/IC family package deal". Please do not waste your life on a cheater. Kids will be just fine if you two can co-parent amicably.

[This message edited by redbaron007 at 8:08 AM, Tuesday, November 2nd]

Me: BS (44)
She: WS (41)
One son (6)
DDay: May 2015 (OBS told me)
Divorced, Zero regrets, sound sleep, son doing great!
A FOG is just a weather phenomenon. An Affair Fog is a clever excuse invented by WS's to explain their continued bad behavior.

posts: 227   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2015   ·   location: West Coast
id 8696317
default

Caesar ( new member #65621) posted at 1:16 PM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

Ark,

So sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there and know the hell you’re experiencing, especially as you try to preserve a normal life for your daughter. That is very honorable of you and I’m sure no one begrudges your attempt to do so. Right now, however, your WW will say ANYTHING and do ANYTHING to preserve her lifestyle and as much of her reputation as she can salvage. Total damage control on her part and it will fade once she has you solidly back in the fold. I know the mind movies your going through of your wife with the POS and they are devastating. I’m sure you only know half of what went on too. One other thing which is just as corrosive, is what she told the POS about you. I had my WW’s texts and it wasn’t pretty. I have to believe that she didn’t give you her texts, or told you what she said to the POS about you or her marriage. I highly doubt that she told the POS she "was lucky to have her husband" or that she loved you. Doing so would have belittled her affair partner. Finally, having sex while pregnant with you kid is unfathomable to me, and tells me the level of disrespect she had for you. Stay strong and no, you are not a chump for trying to keep things together for your daughter and newborn. Your WW and her POS lover are the real chumps. Good luck and stay strong and try to do what’s best for YOU.

[This message edited by Caesar at 1:17 PM, Tuesday, November 2nd]

posts: 35   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern US
id 8696330
default

WalkingHome ( member #72857) posted at 3:24 PM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

If its something you can't get past, then let it be so and D her. Don't torture yourself for years and then D as a shell of a bitter broken man.


There is a point where you have to make the decision. It is never 100% certain. It's a judgement call you and only you can make...and you will suffer more and more if you stay in limbo. Pick a course of action and implement it fully.


You will have people say things like "Give it a year"...or "just wait until you are sure"... I never understood that. You are in pain and that pain isn't going to go away on its own. It's like telling someone that is on fire to just let the fire go out naturally...as opposed to jumping in a lake and stopping the flames yourself. You know you and you know when it's time to jump.

posts: 222   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2020   ·   location: USA
id 8696353
default

Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 4:13 PM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

Ark

See my tagline?

You can decide if you want to remain unhappy with her, find happiness away from her or maybe even try to find happiness with her.
I’m not so naïve to suggest it’s only a decision and that’s it, but it does start with a decision to change. One major part of big changes is preparation and planning. Deciding sets you a reference point – one you can start working from.

Maybe give yourself time to fully (or better) understand what separation or divorce would be like.
Maybe sort out in your mind what you need to heal.
Maybe list what actions she could take to help you decide.
What are your fears? Fears in divorce, fears in reconciling. IMHO known fears tend to be lesser fears than unknown.

Some see her as a manipulative and scheming femme fatale. Frankly I think her cooing and her actions are typical of someone that doesn’t have a clue what to do next. I think it will land square on your shoulders Ark to decide what path you want to try. I am also fairly certain nobody but you can get some momentum on healing – be it with or without her.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10017   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8696368
default

sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:24 PM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

You will feel weak only if your actions don't align with your core values. Say, if you think adultery is a deal-breaker for your marriage, yet you stay after your wife has cheated, then your actions don't align with your core values, and you will certainly feel weak.

I agree, but ...

We never know what we will want to do in a specific situation until we get into that situation. Sometimes our prediction is accurate, sometimes not. So what you thought you'd do if you were betrayed before actually being betrayed isn't necessarily the best course of action for you.

Now you're in the sitch. Now you can look at your life and make decisions based on what you want and what you can achieve.

I don't know whether D or R or gathering more info is your best course of action, but I agree and fully believe that you need to change your behavior to stop stifling yourself. You know that pretending to be a happy family feels awful, so stop.

Was Mother Teresa weak or strong?

Your strength will come from how you live your life, not from what you do. You can D from weakness or from strength. You can R from weakness or from strength.

My reco is to use IC to figure out what you want. If you want R, figure out f your W is a good candidate for R. Whatever you do, make your choice from strength.

*****

WRT emasculation and humiliation, shame has to be dealt with by all BSes.

Emasculation and humiliation are due to messages we send ourselves, often about fears of what others will think of us. You haven't changed. Your genitals are still attached, right? They still work, right?

I think virtually all BSes 'hear', in their heads, a self-generated message that their own failure caused their WS to cheat, and that other people will agree. And we all know jokes in which the BS is the butt.

But the fact is that your W's A is on her. It was not about you. You did nothing to cause your W to cheat. The real shame and humiliation belong to your WS, not to you.

Self-talk is in ALL probability the reason you feel emasculated. New self-talk reminding yourself your body still works is the cure.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:53 PM, Tuesday, November 2nd]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26263   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8696370
default

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 7:17 AM on Wednesday, November 3rd, 2021

I’m glad to see you are putting some thought into this. Some just jump back in without thinking long term.

Your life is going to be what you make of it for the most part. No one should make that decision but you.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8696560
default

WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 9:08 PM on Wednesday, November 3rd, 2021

OP,

Even if your WW had fully come to her senses and arrived at true remorse, it is entirely your prerogative to decide that WW's presence is toxic to you, and that you simply cannot be with her as her husband, and get a D. My hope is that your WW would grant you that, with a favorable settlement for you.

Your WW's affair is next-level awful. Not just because she was visibly pregnant and getting with OM, that is extra gross in and of itself. But also because there is definitely the possibility that WW and OM thought, or at least were pretending, that it was OM who was the biological father of your newborn daughter. It was their sweet little secret, or fantasy, in their affair bubble. barf

Continuing to swallow your pain and stay in the house just to give your older daughter one more holiday together, may not be so wise. She has to sense something is really really wrong, and she may already be extremely confused about what had actually happened. And even if you do a good enough job pretending all is OK for the next 2 months, that may leave your daughter even more confused if and when you do decide in January that you cannot keep on living w WW as your spouse, and either you or WW has to leave.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 9:42 PM, Wednesday, November 3rd]

posts: 333   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8696666
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20211202 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy