Newest Member: ibelieveinspring

Just Found Out :
Wife has been having an 11 month affair, advice needed

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 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 12:27 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

I am very much involved in both my daughters lives. My 8 year old is my WORLD. She is the best.

My new born is complicated. I’ve been present, I’ve been there. Late nights, feedings, diapers. All of it, I’ve been there.

But in therapy that’s something I’m working on. My body feels like it is rejecting my new born. I can’t look at her and think about the affair. It’s all that goes through my mind. I completely understand she is as innocent as me.


However, she was there with them. My wife and the AP at one point assumed it could not be mine.

That runs laps in my head. And it’s something I’m praying I can over come. I know time will make it better. But it makes me so so so angry. This was supposed to be one of the happiest moments, that now is not. We tried for a long time to get pregnant. And when it finally happened, she does this?

It’s hard.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8697435
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 1:09 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Yes it’s hard. You shouldn’t have had to deal with this. Get strong and stay there. It’s the only thing you can do at this time. Save yourself first.

It is up to you how long you live in limbo. See what is versus what you would like to see. That’s even harder. Reading the signs correctly. You don’t want to go through this again.

Read through some threads. Repeated infidelity is not uncommon. The one thing you know now is the capability is there.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8697443
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Sufi22 ( new member #75842) posted at 1:25 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

However, she was there with them. My wife and the AP at one point assumed it could not be mine.

That runs laps in my head. And it’s something I’m praying I can over come. I know time will make it better. But it makes me so so so angry. This was supposed to be one of the happiest moments, that now is not. We tried for a long time to get pregnant. And when it finally happened, she does this?

It’s hard.

This is something that would be very hard to let go of. How does she respond to the immense disrespect and cruelty in her behavior? Does she even acknowledge the level of betrayal here?

Good luck however you decide to proceed.

D-day: Aug 3 2018
BH-60 WW-50s
M 21 years
WW had 2 year EA(maybe PA) and 1 year ongoing contact during Covid
1 DD
Trying to R

posts: 14   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2020
id 8697445
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 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 2:04 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

She’s been taking it all. Owning all of it. Apologizing.

She knows I called her friends after she spoke with them the other day.

One of those friends called her earlier and checked on her. And was saying how they all loved her (and me) but she does not have to wear a crown of shame. This isn’t who she is, or they know her to be. Not to let this define her and they will be there for her. Even offered to take her out on her birthday this month for dinner or lunch.

Now I understand how friends and family are going to support someone close to them. Especially family. But I just don’t understand how they (her friends and family) have been checking on her more than me?

Is that me being selfish? If this was someone I knew, I’d be checking on the betrayed regardless if the other person was related to me or friends. I just don’t understand how people can try to make her feel so much better about herself.. and not show how mad they are? It’s insane to me.

Hopefully someone can shine some light on that. Because I’m really struggling with this. Her family was soooo close to me. And they hardly reach out, or check in on me. It’s rare. But they do for her?

Blows my mind

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8697448
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DeWittle ( member #50857) posted at 2:28 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

She’s been taking it all. Owning all of it. Apologizing.

Gently, a person that got with HER friends and snooped your social media and attempted to do what she did, try to flip the script on you. (And make no mistake those are her friends, not yours.) A person that “gets it” doesn’t concern herself with you talking to other women. More so, a person that gets it doesn’t threaten D for you doing only a fraction of the destruction she has caused. You have to stop putting her on a pedestal, she is not the prize, you are. She gets nothing, she is trying to control the narrative.

posts: 331   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2015
id 8697452
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 2:54 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

I truly feel for you. I know what you must do, and I hope you reach that decision sooner rather than later. I can't imagine ever getting over such a betrayal. You shouldn't do so. Only a callous, selfish person would do what she did. She didn't seem to give a fuck who the father of the child might be. She was more than happy to allow you to raise the AP's biological offspring. How her friends can line up to support her is beyond me. Please go see a lawyer to assess your options. Co-parenting does work. Can you imagine in your wildest dreams that you can reestablish a "happy family life" after what she has done? It is simply impossible. I hope you have a support staff that can point you in the right direction. I didn't have such help. My own family was afraid to tell me to get rid of my ex-wife after her first affair fearing that I would resent them later if we reconciled. They failed me. They should have read me the riot act and given me the strength to dump her. I hope you have someone doing that for you.

She very likely will cheat again. Next time she will claim that she thought you were cheating so she felt no loyalty toward you.

Please stay strong, get your ducks lined up, and then strike by serving her sorry ass. She deserves no more than that.

[This message edited by src9043 at 3:00 AM, Monday, November 8th]

posts: 456   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8697458
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rambler ( member #43747) posted at 2:55 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

More than likely she has been complaining about you and your marriage for some time Now.

making it through

posts: 1279   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8697459
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 2:56 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

No one really understands just how bad infidelity is unlesss they've experienced it. I think that is a part of what you are experiencing with her family and friends. Even many WS, who see the devastation first hand, seem to shrug it off and expect the BS to get over it in a matter of months.

That's why I am recommending your WW read the books. If she isn't, she should be telling them that the depth of pain you are in and the depth of the mistake she made. It's ok for them to support her but they should also hear the magnitude of the problem. It will actually help them help her.

posts: 405   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8697460
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 4:24 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Do you know or are you friends with these women’s husbands?

If so I’d be having some candid discussions with them about what your wife did and how their wives don’t think she should feel shame for what she did.

Listen, I think you are naturally trying to convince yourself that your wife has the ability to reconcile and rebuild without rug sweeping.

From what you have told us, she doesn’t. She continuously deflects and gaslights and blames you. If you feel like the bad guy here, then you are not with someone who is capable of truly feeling empathy.

The most important things to her is that you don’t call her "bad names" or that you do anything that she’d consider cheating.

FOR ONE YEAR SHE LET A MAN PUT HIS PENIS IN HER VAGINA WHILE SHE WAS GROWING YOUR BABY.

Sorry to be so harsh. But someone who does That has major issues. She needs years of therapy to figure out why she was capable of doing that. That’s all she should be focusing on. She won’t be ready to be a safe spouse to you for many years.

That’s why I urged you to let her know you cannot be with someone who clearly is still more concerned with herself and how all this affects her than the person she so brutally injured thru her infidelity.

I gave you words I’d use with her back on page 12. I urge you to read them again and use something similar to them with her.

Then start detaching. File for D when you feel up to it. She will not be ready to become the person you need her to be until she starts focusing more on the ramifications her affair had on her and less than how it affected her.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3225   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8697472
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 4:46 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

My new born is complicated. I’ve been present, I’ve been there. Late nights, feedings, diapers. All of it, I’ve been there.

But in therapy that’s something I’m working on. My body feels like it is rejecting my new born. I can’t look at her and think about the affair. It’s all that goes through my mind. I completely understand she is as innocent as me.

I would challenge that. Maybe take a weekend with just you and Baby. Send your WW and daughter to Grandma's and just spend two whole days bonding.

There's no telling what's going to happen with your marriage, but your daughters will BOTH always be your daughters. Certainly, if you do decide that divorce is the best thing for you, you're still going to want to be a great dad. So, if you're having trouble bonding... try immersion. Be her only caregiver for a couple of days and see how it goes.

posts: 4676   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8697474
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 9:22 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

The fact that you are surprised by the positive attitude of her family and friends towards her, it shows that you do not fully understand the difference between the ideal and the real world. Them supporting her is not such a big deal. But the possibility that this idealistic view of yours is a general trait is worrying. It may also be a sign that you will not be realistic about your wife's infidelity. Maybe that's why you're not doing anything concrete. You talk about your fights like teenagers, but you don't say anything about the steps you will take. No problem is solved by itself, you have to do something.

I don't want to analyze your WW's actions one by one. She cheated on you in the worst possible way. She's shown you who she is, and reaffirming that with her actions again and again. Obviously she is not a R material.

I cannot say that she should not read the recommended books, but they can be useful for those who sincerely want something but do not know how to do it. Remorse aside, your WW doesn't even seem regretful.

She is still offending you. Of course, since I don't know her, I don't know if she is doing this for real or just to show you as a cheater like herself. Did she show this type of jealous behavior before she was caught cheating? If she's always been like this, she has cheated on you horribly while she was acting jealous of you. If these are behaviors that occur after being caught, it's all fake. Both are worse than the other.

By the way, is following women on social media and liking their pictures really your top priority these days?

And calling her names, I understand your anger but you should be able to stop yourself.

2 kids are enough for a family, one must start acting mature at least.

Do hard 180 and detach yourself from her. Being together with her in these conditions is not good for you and your kids.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 3:26 AM, November 8th (Monday)]

posts: 563   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8697481
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Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 10:13 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

I would not worry about how her friends, or even your friends are handling it. Most people in this world are good people and they are probably approaching it as best as they know how. Fortunately for them it is usually from a position of ignorance since they have never had to go through this before.

I'd take their help, as good or as bad as it is, as the gift of friendship that it is, but also consier the source when using it for your own decisions. It's like asking someone sober all of their lives how to not be an alcoholic.

posts: 1739   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8697483
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lparistotle ( new member #78629) posted at 1:24 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

ARK:

I would try to bond with the new born as much as possible. Maybe take the baby and get away from you wife for a while, if that is possible. The baby is not at fault and you need to reconclie that away from your current wife. I would also express you true feelings to your wife, her freinds, your friends and both families. I do not think anyone realizes your unique view of what was done to you and your family. Not even your current wife.

"You took our baby, before she was born, with you to bang some other guy the entire time the baby was developing. Some say part of a baby's development starts in the womb.
You have now effected my relationship with the baby. I need to resolve this. My relationship with you is another story but I need to deal with my current feelings with this baby. She is alos a victim"

You need time away form your wife but you need to have someone stay with her. The ealization of what she has done may be too much.

Time away may clear the fog. If you want a divorce so be it. Be there for the eight year old as well. She was there for you more so than your wife.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2021   ·   location: US
id 8697496
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 2:17 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

"You took our baby, before she was born, with you to bang some other guy the entire time the baby was developing. Some say part of a baby's development starts in the womb.

You have now effected my relationship with the baby.

Do not say anything that you wouldn’t want to be repeated in a custody hearing.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 391   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8697508
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 2:32 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Unfortunately YES, in many instances, her friends will stay her friends. You probably will have a lot more leverage with their *husbands* however.

But RE social media, it is astounding how your WW can make any sort of equivalence between what she did in her affair, and you liking a few women's posts and pictures. BUT I think the same advice given at some point earlier on this thread holds here: It won't serve you to keep doing that on social media. You better believe your WW's friends are keeping tabs on that and your WW will try to use that against you, even if it is grasping at straws.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 2:33 PM, Monday, November 8th]

posts: 333   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8697510
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 2:40 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Ark - I had recommended this once before to you but it bears mentioning again. You need to discuss with your IC the alienation you feel for the baby and ensure that it’s documented. Your WW is the type to use this against you if it comes down to a custody battle - that you abandoned your newborn.

The alienation you feel must be tied to her A and documented in IC so you have leverage in a future custody battle. I would also discuss this with your lawyer ASAP. Do not underestimate your WW and her level of toxicity.

posts: 175   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8697511
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Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 6:37 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

As far as your baby is concerned, you are the hero that it needs. Its mother put it through horrible abuse. What kind of mother would subject a fetus to potential STDs that could have literally taken its life before it was born. A STD could have stuck with it for life, impacting every single thing this young little create had to look forward in its future.

You are the only being in this world standing between this perfect little thing and what could have been.

Your wife does not have pure love for this baby, otherwise she would not have done what she did. She may one day have pure love for it, but for now you are the closest thing to an angel that it has in its life.

posts: 1739   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8697558
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:37 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Sounds like her friend is a wayward as well. Maybe she should NC her.

posts: 3780   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8697571
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longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 7:52 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

I’m gonna question a couple of themes developing here. One is that she thought baby was OMs. Is that true? What was their plan? Foisting it off on you to raise? Or testing the child and divorce if it was his? Either way that is some serious stuff that all the apologies in the world won’t fix. Or was she sure it was yours

The other is that the baby will have psychological or physical damage going forward. Where is that coming from? Do the doctors know about her actions? I’ve never heard about this supposed phenomenon before, though it might be intuitive.

Your wife has already got several well deserved strikes against her. No point in us pressing new ones on her and you.

posts: 1091   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8697578
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 9:36 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

By the way, is following women on social media and liking their pictures really your top priority these days?"

"...It won't serve you well to keep doing that on social media. You better believe your WW's friends are keeping tabs on that and your WW will try to use that against you

THIS ^^

If you desire more public sympathy, don't start doing that shit.

And calling her names, I understand your anger but you should be able to stop yourself.

And This^^

Do not say anything that you wouldn’t want to be repeated in a custody hearing

And This^^ Regarding your feelings of rejection for your newborn.

Hopefully someone can shine some light on that. Because I’m really struggling with this. Her family was soooo close to me. And they hardly reach out, or check in on me. It’s rare. But they do for her?

Blood is thicker than water. My ExWW's family did exactly the same. I was a loved and trusted in-law for 25 years. All changed after the A and especially so after D. They made excuses for her. They begged me to reconcile. They said I can't flush 25 years and the family down the drain "just for this isolated incident"...

She seemed to get more support than I from family and friends. She even had my own mother questioning me about divorce.

Try not to triangulate with others outside your marriage. Marriages are private intimate relationships. Bringing others, other than "qualified" therapists, is a recipe for trouble. You will be shocked at how differently everyone reacts. They all react according to their own biases, intellectual levels, values, empathy abilities, fears and life experiences. Many variables are in-play that determines how an individual will react-respond to news of your very, very personal and profoundly disturbing situation. Affairs are extremely provocative and deeply disturbing events that provoke fear, and prejudice-many times against the victim (ie Victim Blaming).

I always lean towards containment and discretion. Managing PR in the wake of infidelity is a very tricky undertaking requiring strategy and discretion.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:48 PM, Monday, November 8th]

posts: 731   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8697599
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