Newest Member: ibelieveinspring

Just Found Out :
Wife has been having an 11 month affair, advice needed

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medieval ( new member #78429) posted at 3:40 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

She knows in her own mind that it's going to be a matter of when, and not if.

No one has an affair like this, over this period of time and during these (the birth of a child where paternity was actively questioned) circumstances and expects to come out it with rainbows and unicorns. I guess she has faced the reality that this is going to happen regardless of what she does.

I can understand her position. Things between you are deteriorating rapidly to the point where you barely talk, and when you do it's only about the affair and nothing else. The future is on hold with everything, you have disconnected from her on a daily basis and there is nothing left to hold onto.

She probably thinks that she is trying to "shock" you by looking into herself not realising that you are actively doing it with an eye to finality. Consider it a last gasp effort on her part to salvage the unsalvageable.

Because short of inventing time travel there is nothing she can do to make up to you for what she has done. I have a feeling that no amount of remorse, apologies, explanations or introspection can even come close to bringing you emotionally back to her. She knows this - and if she didn't she has come to this realisation now and was probably was hoping against hope that you could live with this and move on for the sake of the kids, but knowing as each day passes that this is just not going to happen.

So time to start talking about the practicalities of co-parenting with her. You will have to bite your tongue and put away your feelings for the time being to ensure the process goes as smoothly as can be but from here on in, deal with the practicalities in as business like way as possible. Walk away if you must but return with that business-like frame of mind.

[This message edited by medieval at 3:40 AM, Wednesday, November 10th]

posts: 16   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8697797
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HadIKnown ( new member #79579) posted at 4:00 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

Ark,

I'm so sorry about what has been done to you. I can't even imagine how terrible it is for you. I've been reading here a while, but needed to post after reading your story.

I think everyone would agree you will never be at peace while in a relationship with your WW. She has carried on for so long making so many choices that she knew very well would absolutely devistate you, ruin your marriage and destroy her children's home. Knowing this she chose to carry on anyway becuase whatever she thought she gained from being with the other man was more important to her.

You are in pain over the loss of your wife. The person you now know her to be is not the person you loved. You want the person you loved back. I'm sorry Ark, but that person you loved never really existed, she was an illusion. If she had ever existed you wouldn't be feeling the pain you are feeling now.

I urge you to divorce. You said you've always wanted to be a family man. You can still have that and it can be better than it ever was with your WW. I think you said you were 30 years old. You could easily find yourself in a relationship with a woman in her mid 20s who cherishes you and wants to devote herself to you and help you raise your children as her own and give you more children.

If a mid 20s woman who cherishes you doesn't sound appealing you may choose to try again with your WW if after divorce she relentlessly pursues you and shows unwavering determination to prove her devotion to you and desire to reunite with you enough to convince you that you are not her plan B and she will be a safe partner. But don't hold your breath on that.

Remember, the longer you drag your feet the greater the risk that you miss your chance with that mid 20s woman who is out there looking for you.

Final thought: If my wife did what yours did and then told me she would do anything to fix it I would respond with this:

Buy me a newspaper.....with your AP listed in the obituaries
.

But of course I would be joking. wink

Best wishes Ark.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2021
id 8697800
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 4:01 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

Ark, I think separating is a smart move. As is talking with your lawyer. This will give you space and information for you to more clearly decide next steps.

You're right about her lack of remorse. Very few waywards seem to have immediate remorse so you can't judge where she'll end up just yet but her recent remarks are very much self centered.

posts: 405   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8697802
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longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 4:11 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

Fuck yeah you are young enough to find a new life! You can and you will!

Btw, she is sounding like an antisocial personality more and more. Too bad she didn’t stay faithful while you were a trusting loyal husband!

posts: 1091   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8697803
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66charger ( member #69471) posted at 4:13 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

Talk and listen to your lawyer. Remove yourself from this marriage as fast and smart as possible.

Do not separate without starting the process to file. Working with zero for the rest of your life will shorten your life.

Raise your daughters. Get her gone.

posts: 296   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2019
id 8697804
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alucard ( member #78796) posted at 4:25 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

Ark,

I joined this site 6 months after I discovered that the love of my life, my beloved wife ad betrayed me with a "friend".
Since then, besides some sporadic updates on my personal thread, I have been silent, and I've read SI incessantly.
I read to learn, to understand, to heal, and grow.
I NEVER reply to anyone's story; I think each story is unique and I feel that I cannot "give" and help yet.
I am working on my own growth and healing that hopefully, one day will lead me to peace and wisdom.

However I've been following your journey and there is something so horrendous in your wife's betrayal, her behavior is so vile, and her abuse is so unacceptable, that compelled me to reply.

Please, PLEASE, listen to people here, and more importantly listen to your inner voice.
Find your strength and self-love, channel your inner warrior, and decide to end this vile abuse and betrayal now.

Everyone here is, in a way or another, dealing with destruction, betrayal, lies, pain, fear, and humiliation.
However, there is something so unfathomably horrible about your wife's behavior that we ALL feel to scream at you to save yourself.
You can't fix what is immensely broken in her, but you and still save yourself, heal, grow and become radiant and a strong presence in your kids' life.

posts: 94   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8697806
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 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 4:56 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

I fucking love you all. Each one of you has given me so much hope through this shit storm. I really wish I could buy y’all a beer. Thank you, for everything.

We spoke more about separation tonight. I was actually super calm. I really surprised myself. And when I got heated, I just walked away.

She was telling me how she wanted to do marriage counseling. I refuse. She needs IC, and I need my own therapy. Until we are both healed, there’s no way we can work on shit.

But she says there is nothing a IC can do for her. She fucked up and understands that she could never cheat again, or betray me in anyway. It made me so mad. Her saying that. She knows she needs to prove herself, yet I have to explain again, why she needs to go. Until she agrees.

It’s becoming old. And all of this is so damn new still. She should be more than willing to do anything I need for healing to take place.

Thank y’all again for everything.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8697809
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 5:08 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

"too bad you didn’t trust me when I was a faithful, loyal, loving wife".

W..T..F......... . . .IS THAT??

Is that supposed to be some form of moronic blame shifting?

Is she actually trying to blame ALL THIS SHIT on one fight years ago about scratches on her back?

I JUST recently got questioned about scratches on my back from my spouse. I loved it. Thought it was cute and reassuring. Then it became a little annoying, but, BUT I didn't get all defensive and let it spiral into a fight that resulted in me having a year long affair, getting someone pregnant and possibly forcing my wife to take care of my love child...

No, we just had crazy sex that night that put scratches on my scratches. Looked like stigmata...

I digress!

You're WW is blowing it. She is indeed playing games. Actually, you both are.

Let her play games while you get down to business.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:13 AM, Wednesday, November 10th]

posts: 731   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8697811
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 5:22 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

Ark,

Just a bit of an alternative viewpoint to your situation. This is not to defend your WW, but rather a viewpoint that may help you stay calm, so that you can decisions better.

Alternate viewpoint: She may have left it on for you to see, because she is trying to show you that she is 'doing the work'

She’s been openly reading about separation on her computer so I can see.


Alternative viewpoint: what was the full context that this was mentioned. We can sometimes zero in on a snippet as we get triggered by it. Admittedly, in and of itself, it is quite a WTF statement.

texting me "too bad you didn’t trust me when I was a faithful, loyal, loving wife"


Alternative viewpoint: She could be thinking that she is doing that for you to heal.

She also wouldn’t have been so open to separating.


Alternative viewpoint: Her shame is preventing her from seeking out help.

But she says there is nothing a IC can do for her.


Now, on to what IMO is happening in your WW at the moment. You will see this common trait in WS in many cases; control

Your WW has yet to learn how to 'let go' of the outcome, and as such, is still trying to control the direction of the M. The cooking of dinner, the 'request' for MC rather than IC, the wanting of having everyone sit down for dinner... She is still thinking of how best to control the outcome, and this is not a good thing, as it is still inward looking.

Until she can get the concept of empathy, and also letting go of the outcome, you will have a slimmer chance of achieving a successful R (if that is what you want).

Whatever the case, yes, your WW should be seeing an IC, so that she can be a healthier, safer person for herself, which will then make herself safer for everyone else around her.

D or R, that is ultimately your call, just don't drag this on for too long.


Edit: formatting

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 5:24 AM, Wednesday, November 10th]

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 908   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8697813
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 5:25 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

But she says there is nothing a IC can do for her. She fucked up

Oh Boy...

The hits just keep on comin.

She thinks ALL THIS SHIT is just a little incidental fuck up. "No IC required...I'm good".

That's rich.

But hey, listen to Rocket Raccoon's good post up there because I am indeed triggering on your WW's bull shit and admit that I'm not being objective.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:32 AM, Wednesday, November 10th]

posts: 731   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8697816
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66charger ( member #69471) posted at 5:39 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

It's not even close.

[This message edited by 66charger at 4:42 PM, Wednesday, November 10th]

posts: 296   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2019
id 8697817
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longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 6:06 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

So I just read thru your posts again. I want to point out that aside from being a sociopath, she is remarkably insecure. Hence the statements about how she can’t stand it when she can’t check on you.

She is juvenile. Hence the too bad text.

She is looking for petty ways to push your buttons. Hence the openly looking for separation sites.

She is remarkably insensitive to your needs. Hence the playing victim role.

She is a schemer. When was she going to drop the shoe on failing her classes? Oh. Lazy too.

She is self destructive. She kept on fucking around when she thought baby was his.

She has little self insight. She really thinks anyone would buy her reason for the affair.

And frankly, she sounds pretty stupid. She was sending nudes, even after the birth. Like no one else would ever get a gander at them.

Not a great life partner, huh?

posts: 1091   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8697819
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 7:52 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

she could never cheat again, or betray me in anyway


Never, ever, never, ever, ever, never, ever would she cheat on you again.

posts: 386   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8697823
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jujuchrist ( new member #78594) posted at 8:21 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

One of those friends called her earlier and checked on her. And was saying how they all loved her (and me) but she does not have to wear a crown of shame. This isn’t who she is, or they know her to be. Not to let this define her and they will be there for her. Even offered to take her out on her birthday this month for dinner or lunch.

Mediocre friends. They think they are doing her a favor by not telling her the truth (that she has some deep work to do on herself). Don't bother, they're not worth it. Even if you have fewer friends, it's better to have friends who tell you the truth and REALLY help you, than friends who lie to make you feel better.

You are 30 years old, you don't have to see her as the woman of your life anymore. You lived with her for about ten years, but you still have at least 40 years left for a real love life --> you don't know the love of your life yet. But it will be nice. The sooner you leave this one, the sooner you'll move to your real beautiful story.

Anyway, have you told the other woman what happened between her man and your STBX? Is she filing?

[This message edited by jujuchrist at 9:15 AM, Wednesday, November 10th]

Julien

posts: 43   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Marseille, France
id 8697825
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 11:15 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

I was actually super calm. I really surprised myself. And when I got heated, I just walked away.

This is exactly what you have to do.

Remember that with Infidelity, you are left with bad choices. You have to pick the "less bad choice" for you to recover and get better.

Stay calm and focused. Leave the drama to your STBXWW.

If she starts blaming you, just say "I’m sorry you feel that way". Don’t argue. What’s the point?

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1477   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8697827
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 12:05 PM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

But she says there is nothing a IC can do for her.

You have ZERO to work with here. Stay on the separation train & FILE for D!!! You can always stop the D if 21 bona fide miracles in her soul occur. But…. it ain’t gunna happen. Not with this one.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8697833
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 12:28 PM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

Sorry but words don’t mean much.


Marriage Counselor can equal a rugsweep. Be wary.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8697839
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 12:31 PM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

You’re doing alright, Ark. Keep hanging in there and stay your course.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2750   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8697840
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 12:49 PM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

Ark, I commend your self-control in walking away when you sense your emotions may be starting to control you. Smart man.

Your WW's actions, regarding dinner and IC are FAR more telling than her words. SHE wants you to eat dinner as a family, SHE doesn't want IC. She's not worried about helping you heal. She clearly DOESN'T want to do the work to R.

In regards to her text about being a loving and faithful wife, it's clearly an admission that she isn't anymore. This is another example of her selfishness and putting herself before you. She's trying to blameshift her A, as she would NEVER have cheated if YOU hadn't treated her so poorly. Call the BS for what it is.

posts: 1556   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8697847
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 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 1:55 PM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

Yeah unfortunately I treated her amazingly. I wish I treated her bad to have something to blame this on, that’s one of my big frustrations .

Saw this above, wanted to correct. My WW and her AP sent nudes at the beginning of all of this, before they ever had sex.

I woke up on the couch with her laying next to me. I just felt empty, no emotion. It was odd. I’d rather feel no emotions than being heated all the time

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8697849
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