Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
Wife has been having an 11 month affair, advice needed

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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 10:00 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Now I understand how friends and family are going to support someone close to them. Especially family. But I just don’t understand how they (her friends and family) have been checking on her more than me?

Usually with family blood is thicker than water. Her friends are not your friends. That’s reality.

It looks like you want this to be ok and your wayward to get it. Her words don’t mean anything.
Pay attention to her actions.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8697605
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medieval ( new member #78429) posted at 10:01 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

My new born is complicated. I’ve been present, I’ve been there. Late nights, feedings, diapers. All of it, I’ve been there.

But in therapy that’s something I’m working on. My body feels like it is rejecting my new born. I can’t look at her and think about the affair. It’s all that goes through my mind. I completely understand she is as innocent as me.

Perfectly understandable and as you have found, therapy and talking through it will get you past that guilt by association thing.

It's a very powerful mental bit of gymnastics and it does come through very clearly in your posts. I guess it's like eating a type of food, getting sick and then finding that from then on that you associate that food with getting sick - even if it wasn't the food that caused it! I get that with Chicken Biranyi (even though I love biranyi) - ate it one time, we all got sick and since then its the forbidden meal.

You associate your youngest with the affair ergo your brain makes that logical leap.

Affairs always sully the things that were associated with it. It can be a place, a tv show, a song on the radio, a part of the house but rarely does it involve a child like in your case. It maybe helpful to explain this to your wife if you are hunting for remorse on her part and am explanation of how badly this has affected you. Speak to your therapist before you do but surely she must of noticed your reticence towards your new born and hopefully recognises that this is on her.

The friends part is going to be hurtful but understanding that they are just doing what friends do in times of crisis - offer support and love regardless of the circumstances. It may pay you to just treat them as your wifes friends and again, tell your wife that you'd prefer to stay out of that social group moving forward. It'll do you no favours being around them and it draws that line to your wife that her actions have these consequences.

[This message edited by medieval at 10:04 PM, Monday, November 8th]

posts: 16   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8697606
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straightup ( new member #78778) posted at 10:20 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

No one wins from infidelity. I went to the funeral of my Dad’s best friend 6 month’s ago. Dad died 6 year’s ago. At the funeral, her husband’s funeral, that friend’s wife, now in her 80’s and in very poor health herself, called me by name, crossed the room and apologized to me. She had wanted our families to grow up side by side. My Dad’s affair, divorce, Mum’s subsequent alcoholism, Dad’s remarriage to AP etc (added to some non infidelity related traumas on their side), turned a particularly close relationship between two families into an ongoing friendship between two men and not much else. A special thing was lost. It had been playing on this women’s conscience for 35+ years. I am glad she said that to me.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 29   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8697612
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SquirrelFace ( member #52946) posted at 3:40 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

One of those friends called her earlier and checked on her. And was saying how they all loved her (and me) but she does not have to wear a crown of shame. This isn’t who she is, or they know her to be. Not to let this define her and they will be there for her.

Sisterhood gonna sisterhood. Of course, they will stick up for her. The real question is did any of her "birthday club" friends know about the affair as it was happening?

Because the rules state they have to go. They aren't friends to your marriage.

But she now couldn’t trust me, because without my ring.

She seems hung up on the wedding ring. It brings up an interesting question.

What did she do with her wedding ring when she went to meet with her sex partner? Did she take it off? Did she leave it on? Did she even care about rings then?

I'm years out from from my D-Day and happily remarried. I wouldn't care about her having her social media or checking in or policing your marriage. I would just make a plan on leaving and whether that's next month or 5 years from now, I'd have one foot out of the door. Unless in the very unlikely situation she proved herself worthy. But then I don't believe it for a second.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2016
id 8697713
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 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 4:02 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

No one knew about the affair except her and the AP.

She took her ring off just about every time they met. Which is why I refuse to wear mine. I won’t do it.

She always cared about rings before I knew about this. We only took ours off at the gym to workout. But then put them right back on.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8697719
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 5:05 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

Smart move on informing his wife. That’s an important first step.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8697732
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MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 5:30 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

"No one knew about the affair except her and the AP."

I would bet that others knew, a pal of his and your WW BFF to start with...

I was randomly told by a friend that he had a work GF in addition to his regular GF. I think he just wanted to tell someone he had a sidepiece.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 5:32 PM, Tuesday, November 9th]

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1178   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8697739
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 5:53 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

No one knew about the affair except her and AP

There is a big difference between possible and probable.

Did they work together or know each other?

[This message edited by Marz at 5:54 PM, Tuesday, November 9th]

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8697742
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 6:00 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

How did their paths cross initially? Work, facebook, gym, Ex ...

posts: 2452   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8697743
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SquirrelFace ( member #52946) posted at 6:43 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

She took her ring off just about every time they met.

I guess she didn't want to disrespect your marriage. /s

She seems to be more interested in symbolism and not actual substance.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2016
id 8697750
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 7:40 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

She took her ring off just about every time they met.

Oh, how respectful she is!

Of course it doesn't make any sense and most probably it's also a lie.

posts: 564   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8697756
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 8:58 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

OP, do you have a game plan. I definitely get the need to vent, but coming on here complaining about how bad your WW is and how bad her circle is, isn't going to cut it. Respectfully, neither is calling your WW names nor prowling on SM. You're in a lot of pain no doubt, but you need to keep your wits about you to protect yourself and your daughters from your crazy WW. Are you making plans to D.

I'd not count on your WW getting it any time soon. Your WW's circle sure are not helping her to get why you are so furious and hurt, and how much damage she did. Unfortunately your WW's friends are pretty much par for the course. Blood is thicker than water and all that. The "unmet needs" fallacy and the related bullshit is more of a pandemic than COVID ever was too. I brought up your WW's friends' husbands earlier because it may help your WW get a clue if they tell their wives to cut their nonsense out.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 9:31 PM, Tuesday, November 9th]

posts: 333   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8697764
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 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 9:53 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

They followed each other on social for awhile. Then he messaged her. We all happened to go to the same gym, so that’s when it all started. And they kept it going.

I’m meeting with my lawyer this week. I’m about 90% sure I’m going to ask him to draft the D papers.

As much as I DO NOT want a divorce, I can’t keep living like this. I hate liars, always have. I cut out my parents years ago for being toxic, and didn’t want their influence on my family. What my wife did is MILES worse than what they did.

I’m tired of being mad, and upset. I kept telling myself if I get D then I’ll fall apart seeing my wife be with someone else, having another male influence in my daughters life.

But at this point, I just really feel like I’m going to be wearing a mask forever by staying with her. Pretending to be happy, and not depressed.

I never wanted a divorce, ever. I love my wife, but I fucking hate her for what she did to me. I know I deserve so much better than what she gave me. I’m 30, I still have time. I wanted it to be with her, but we are at a point where we need a bigger house. And I refuse to buy anything like that for a long ass time.

So sadly, I don’t think I can keep this up. We are going to separate staring next week. Then I will be moving in the direction I spoke about above

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8697766
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 10:09 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

I’m tired of being mad, and upset. I kept telling myself if I get D then I’ll fall apart seeing my wife be with someone else, having another male influence in my daughters life.

I can guarantee that if you properly detach and maybe get a little IC that you will NOT fall apart when she starts dating again. Hopefully she has enough wit to not immediately latch on to someone new now that you've initiated a separation but even if she does, it will sting at first and then a day comes where you don't care. There will be a day in the not-so-distant future where you don't give one single flying fuck who or what she is doing as long as your kids are safe. It can and will happen. And when shit hits the fan for her because she's still the same selfish person who cheated on you, you will even be glad that she's not your problem anymore.

All of us who S/D, we've all been there. We know that this is a guarantee even if you do some of the bare minimum for moving on and healing. It's not nearly as bad as you tell yourself it is and it will open more doors for you than you think.

posts: 5072   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8697768
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 10:40 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

if I get D then I’ll fall apart seeing my wife be with someone else, having another male influence in my daughters life.

Not worse than being with another male while married to you with your baby in her womb.

posts: 564   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8697774
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 10:54 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

I kept telling myself if I get D then I’ll fall apart seeing my wife be with someone else, having another male influence in my daughters life.

I very much doubt this is true. You're telling yourself this, but I don't see it happening the way you do. For one thing, she already was with someone else, gave herself repeatedly to him for nearly a year, and she's damaged goods. The worst has already happened. You're 30 years old, which is exceedingly young. Yes, you can live the life you want. Go live that life - for yourself and your kids. You can do a lot better than this, I assure you.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4390   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8697775
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Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 11:57 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

You deserve better than what you have now. Remember that.

posts: 106   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8697781
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 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 3:00 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

I know time will heal. The life I wanted was with my family. But that’s soon to be behind me thanks to her.

She’s been openly reading about separation on her computer so I can see. It’s almost as if she’d rather taunt me with doing that, versus actually working on keeping my triggers at bay.

Like today, texting me "too bad you didn’t trust me when I was a faithful, loyal, loving wife". This is in reference to when we had a huge fight about her marks on her back. I talked about this in earlier posts. In that argument 3 years ago, we made up. I apologized.

Today her saying that sent me over the edge. I was in a ton of pain today, I went to the doctor for possibly tearing my shoulder from a heavy lift. So that text made me yell. But then come to the conclusion this is getting toxic.

She’s playing games at this point IMO. This isn’t TRUE remorse. She wouldn’t have sent that. She also wouldn’t have been so open to separating. She did go out of the way to make dinner again tonight. But was upset I didn’t want to eat. And "wished we could have all sat down at the table and ate as a family" I responded with I wish you didn’t have an affair. I separated myself in the other room to keep myself calm.

Anyway, talking to my lawyer this week. Separating starting next week.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8697791
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 3:23 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

Anyway, talking to my lawyer this week. Separating starting next week.

Ark, as I’m sure Thumos would agree, a separation is absolutely the right move. I would also advise filing for D. Then leave it to her to move heaven and earth to win you back. From what you’ve written, I’d bet big money she doesn’t have it in her.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8697795
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toby ( member #10337) posted at 3:34 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

I’m willing to bet that your WW is back in contact with her affair partner!

posts: 1762   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2006   ·   location: Texas
id 8697796
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