Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
Wife has been having an 11 month affair, advice needed

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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 11:25 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

As an old timer here I want to offer some suggestions for you. Take em or leave em.

1. If your work has an EAP program tap into it immediately. It will get you some help as soon as tomorrow if you call this evening.

2. Download and read the quick PDF No More Mr Nice Guy. You are wickedly codependent and its probably what allowed your wife to get away with cheating for as long as she did. It will help you inderstan show your behavior is maki g your situation worse.

3. Grieve. For the love of God allow yourself to feel the feels. The sadness the anger the loss of what you thought you had. Accepting your situation will allow to stop being lonely and afraid of being alone. There are far worse things than not having a partner. Like having a partner that is clearly not in this for an equal relationship. She is manipulating you. Do not sleep with her. Do not speak to her unless its about the kids.

4. When you tap into your EAP program ask about resources for your daughter. She absolutely is being impacted by this and she is put it upon herself to fix this. She needs a healthy adult to help her understand that she is a child and she can't fix it. No matter how much she loves you both. No matter how much she wants it.
Now a bit of a 2x4. Stop the crying in front of her. If you can't eat at dinner time then make an excuse. But no more playing happy family for her sake. You can't do it and its going to really confuse her. Tell her that you and mom are having issues. You both love her but she is a kid and needs to stay a kid. And you as the sane parent need to minimize the damage this is doing to her. Setting the holidays as some magical time is bullshit. Don't do that to you or her. Neither of you need that. You will be much happier spending time with the kids without your wife in the room. You know how I know? Because every time you look at her you will think about how last year you were blissfully ignorant, and she was plotting to go fuck the other man. He'll you guys probably were having sex trying for that baby and she was then planning trysts with her boyfriend.
It will make you ill. It will ruin everything about the magic of the holiday.

5. Get another opinion from another attorney. Post nups are generally useless. Find out before you waste more time.

6. Get into your Dr this week. Have a physical get blood work. If you aren't eating or sleeping let the dr know. Be honest about what you are going through. The trauma is very real and many of us need meds to help us through and stay sane.

Lastly. Sit down and figure out your absolutes. What you absolutely need to stay. To R. What your deal breakers are. What consequences of any lies moving are and how you will actually follow through with them.
You seem like a good man and a stand up guy. You deserve much much better. Bit only you can make that happen

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19030   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8695037
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:26 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

It’s been 10 days since you found out.

I didn’t sleep more than 40 minutes a night for 3 months. I couldn’t eat more than 500 calories a day but I forced myself. It took 2 months to eat a full meal - not just bites.

By 90 days I saw some improvement but I wasn’t 100% there. I still had to work (with no room for error) and be there for my kids. My cheating H was living in La-La Affair Fog land and he was no help.

But 6 months later I was in a better place. And when I found out he was still cheating I told him
I was afraid him. Without so much as a conversation- it was done.

It will get better for you. I know it is difficult and challenging and you basically pick yourself up off the floor every day just to survive. We have all been there.

Feel free to vent away about anything — you will get great support here. I did t know about SI during my H’s affair. I learned of it 3 years later. However it still helped me with my struggles.

I think you are doing your best — and that is all anyone can do right now. The first 45/60 days after infidelity are the worst. Hang in there.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10894   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8695038
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 1:54 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

...last night we hooked up. I was at an extremely vulnerable spot. I can't even remember how it happened. but today I feel very indifferent. I feel.. odd. not ashamed? but more of an angry feeling I can't just have sex with my wife without thinking about all of the past nightmares that have happened.

That's normal, Ark. It's not unusual at all, even for people who haven't made a commitment yet to try for R. It's kind of a primal way to wish your status quo back into being, if only for a few minutes. Emotionally, we're taking back our mate from a rival. We call it "hysterical bonding" and for people who commit themselves to at least "try" for R, it's actually a good thing. Good sex can contribute positively to pair bonding, causing the release of oxytocin, dopamine, and who knows what other kind goodies into the body. If you look up "cuddle hormones, pair bonding" you'll see what I mean.

For you, it's still early days and maybe you're not committed yet to trying for R. It's still not a disaster. You just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and wait to have sex until you feel more emotionally stable. It's not your responsibility right now to make things better for your WW and you are NOT obliged to provide sex.

Remember that no matter how emotionally painful your feelings are right now... they can't hurt you. They're just feelings. Try to allow them whenever you can. What that means is just sitting with the feeling, letting it be what it is without trying to push it away or swallow it down. It might feel scary at first. But just stay with it. The feeling will dissipate and be replaced by another if you allow it. Emotions float by like clouds in the sky and they WILL depart in their own time IF YOU ALLOW IT. Sometimes, when the emotion is particularly frenetic, allowing might mean adding an activity, like pounding a punching bag or running a mile. Sometimes it might be crying in the shower for half an hour. The problem is that we can get scared and end up holding onto painful feelings and not allowing them to come and go as they will. I don't know why. Shock, trauma, it's hard to tell. But I do remember, in retrospect, clinging to my pain as if it were the only thing REAL in my world. Just know that feelings aren't facts and when you start treating them like they are, you start catastrophizing and turning the pain inward.

You're going to be okay. It's just going to be tough going for a long while. You have a lot on your plate and a lot of responsibilities, but your are NOT trapped. It will help you to remember that you have options and that as of right this moment, you are no longer in the dark and robbed of your agency. You have free will and free choice. Your WW might have victimized you with her adultery, but you are NO LONGER a victim. You are young, strong, and intelligent with a good and honest heart. You're going to be fine.

posts: 4680   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8695059
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 1:55 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Ark - how did your WW acting towards you, your daughter, family, snd friends during her A? Did she behave like normal, thus a compartmentalizer?

posts: 176   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
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 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 2:36 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

I’ve gone through all the steps I can. Thus far. I do have a dr appointment set up. I do plan on getting into counseling. All the ones I have called are full to the brim so I’m in the books, just wating on my date.

The day I found out was September 19th. So it’s been about a month and some change.

Today I’m back to being angry. I’m just angry. I want to throw stuff, smash things. But I’m going to sign up for a boxing class instead.

Fuck, y’all. I had so much invested into her and this relationship. The day my 2nd daughter was born (September 13th) I was SO HAPPY!

We were at a point in our lives where everything was finally GOOD. No worries about money, time, or life’s bullshit. We were getting a big beautiful house for our growing family.

Deep breaths. When I’m mad I’ve been walking away. Eating good food, drinking a glass of water. Making sure everything is optimal. I’m never sick, I’m a very healthy guy. But when this happened my immune system crashed. Still been fighting this fucking sinus stuff.

Again, y’all are the best. Wish I could give you all a hug

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8695066
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ButAnyway ( new member #79085) posted at 2:37 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Seems to me tushnurse just gave you a solid roadmap for the next few days and beyond. Please, reread her post a couple of times. Based on my own experiences, she is spot on.

Strength!!!

posts: 40   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8695067
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ButAnyway ( new member #79085) posted at 2:43 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Looks like we cross posted … thoughts still stand.

IMHO, I like to see new BH’s angry … let your anger serve you well … you should be damn angry right now.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
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 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 3:27 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Great advice, thank you all so much!

" Ark - how did your WW acting towards you, your daughter, family, snd friends during her A? Did she behave like normal, thus a compartmentalizer?"

Acted completely normal. I obviously didn’t notice anything, nor did anyone else. We were around lots of family and friends. Always doing fun things.

That’s what’s so scary to me too.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
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rambler ( member #43747) posted at 4:02 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

You are doing the right things. Work on you. Anger is part of this. Channel the anger to help you move forward. I realize with a new born it is far more difficult.

Healing will take time. You will get through it, we all have.

making it through

posts: 1279   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8695074
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 3:50 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Boxing sounds like a really good idea. I hope you enjoy that. It sounds like a great way to work out some stress!

posts: 1558   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 4:57 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Boxing is a very good move, if you like it. Did it in the Army and it's intense so you think of nothing else when in the ring. Even if you don't end up competing, the workouts are thorough and pretty absorbing... both acquiring skills and workout intensity.

Somehow I think compartmentalized A are maybe just a bit less complicated post D day. It's just my opinion, but the pure fantasy nature of it and the fact that the wayward never tries to intertwine the pos AP into their real life means some painful things aren't present for the BS. But of course there is still enough pain to go around for a dozen people so I guess it doesn't matter.

You're doing a lot right so keep it up. I still think more separation is good and that can be mental separation and limited interaction even in the same house so you can see your newborn. The boxing workouts will help with that too.

posts: 405   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8695134
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 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 5:18 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Need some advice about this:

So my wife obviously has her social media deleted. I took of my ring. The DAY I found out I deleted all of her pictures from my social account from the past 11 months. And my wife has changed her number.

I’ve had an influx of family and friends wanting to know what’s going on. "Is everything ok?!" "Hey, I can’t get ahold of her, and her account is deleted, WHATS going on?!" "Hey did something happen to you two?!"

Her family knows, my sister knows (I’m not close to my parents or family they are toxic) and two of her and my mutual friends know. But I have yet to spill all the beans.

What do I do? How do I answer these questions?! People are so used to seeing happy updates from us. So they know something Is off.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8695138
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 5:29 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Exposing the A is useful to get the W out of the fog and get you out of active infidelity. But you've already done that, would you agree?

If the answer is yes, then you have options as to who you tell what at this point. I personally would not want everyone knowing what happened. That's just me, I'm private. Even in D, I'd rather keep the group smaller than larger that knows the details. Unless your WW starts lying about you during D, then all bets are off.

So I would just respond with something high level. Like 'thanks for asking, we're working through some things right now and I appreciate your concern. I'll reach out to you if we need some help'

And if you think you might offer the chance to R, I think keeping the informed group smaller makes more sense for sure. If you are going to D, it may not matter to you who knows if you are less private than me.

posts: 405   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8695140
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 6:36 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

What do I do? How do I answer these questions?! People are so used to seeing happy updates from us. So they know something Is off.

You talk to her, and tell her that you are going to be honest with people when they ask if you feel comfortable with it.
If they are her friends/family it's totally up to you but you can say contact her, and give her new number. OR you can tell the truth.
Last but not least you can choose to not respond at all.

It is totally up to you, but it is not your job to bear the burden of her secret.
I would recommend talking to an attorney and do it in a manner that doesn't allow her to accuse you of being vindictive or saying you are slandering her.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19030   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8695147
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 6:57 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

One of the main reasons why As are kept secret is cheaters don't want to face any consequences for the huge betrayal, FULL EXPOSURE with family and close friends is often suggested here on SI and other forums, FULL EXPOSURE typically kills the "beautiful, exciting and romantic" aspects of an A and replaces them with pure shame and embarrassment, cheaters typically want to preserve their reputation at all costs, even at the expense of the BS who may need the support of relatives and loved ones during this difficult situation. Based on what you posted alone you mentioned you've already told some relatives and and a few friends (these people often talk to others), but that more relatives and friends have noticed there's obviously something very wrong with you two (as it's often the case), so my advice is that you have your WW in front of you contact those who have noticed and are asking about it and tell them the truth without the gory details, something short and to the point like the following would probably suffice:

"I made the horrible decision to have an A with POSOM and betrayed my excellent husband Ark041 in the most horrible way, I'm now trying to deal with the devastation I have caused to him and my family and trying to restore the M I destroyed, I am very sorry for having betrayed and disappointed him, my family and all of you, I hope we have your support during this horrible situation. Mrs Ark01".

Have your WW face the music and help you deal with the consequences of her huge betrayal, it typically helps with remorse[ (crucial if R is on the table)/bold] and helps with understanding the catastrophic magnitude of it, this is a risk she took when she decided to have an A, I understand that sometimes the BS may feel embarrassed by others knowing, but keep in mind you did nothing wrong, she needs to own this, full exposure with family or close friends is at the top of the list of the advice given here that has stood the test of time, and for a good reason. If they asked you to double check her story, tell them the truth.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 7:13 PM, Tuesday, October 26th]

posts: 2473   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8695151
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 7:36 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

What do I do? How do I answer these questions?! People are so used to seeing happy updates from us. So they know something Is off.

You do whatever YOU think is best. You don't owe your WW any consideration on that. She made adultery part of YOUR story.

That said, you can't un-tell anyone. Once the story is out, it's out. I think that's a good thing when it comes down to having your key support people by your side and in your corner. But even then, it can be exhausting. When it comes to the people who love you best, you're unlikely to fool them into believing nothing is wrong. So, I told the people I need to depend on, siblings, employer, very close friends. I did NOT tell my parents. My dad is gone so no need to think about that, but I chose not to tell my mother. She was a histrionic personality and I just didn't think I could bear hearing her run her mouth at me about what I ought to do and how I ought to do it. I can't say that I regretted that decision at the time, but later, it caused problems. As it was, I sometimes felt like my support people were voyeurs and getting some kind of unwholesome kick out of watching my life implode, which is ridiculous, I know. These were the people who loved me best, but I felt like "the freak of the week" in front of them.

In terms of my husband's family, I did NOT "expose" him. I asked him to talk with his brother and his best friend, but his parents were up in their 80's and they just didn't need that kind of stress. He's always been a bit needy for his family's attention as a true "middle child" and a bit of a black sheep in his teen years. It would have scandalized him in a permanent way with some of his extended family and honestly, I was never out for punishment. If I had wanted punishment, I'd have divorced him on the spot and allowed the last of the OW to make him into her personal ATM. You learn early in R that punishment and reconciliation are polar opposites and that there isn't going to be any "justice".

Anyway, almost 7 years out and the only thing I regretted was not being more upfront with my mother. I ended up feeling unreasonably resentful that I couldn't talk to her about what I was going through. It was my choice to keep her in the dark, and yet I was angry with her for it because I knew how she would act. It put quite a bit of distance between us and that wasn't resolved before she died. So... my advice is to suit yourself. There's no right or wrong way to go about this. All you can do is try to guess how you're going to feel later on.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 7:38 PM, Tuesday, October 26th]

posts: 4680   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8695156
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ButAnyway ( new member #79085) posted at 7:47 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

I'm a pretty private person, so I probably wouldn't respond at all. However, if I felt compelled to respond, I would simply tell them the basic TRUTH ... nothing more ... nothing less. I would definitely NOT cover or whitewash the story for her ... there's already been too much lying and deceit.

I only told one of my friends, and if I'm honest with myself ... if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have told him, either.

Remember, you didn't ask to be put in this cluster, so YOU get to decide how YOU move forward with words and/or actions. Those are simply the consequences to HER, for HER actions.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 8:06 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Ark - did you find out more info whether the A was purely sexual, emotional, or both? In either case, it appears that on D day she completely dropped the AP snd there was no residual fog.

Assuming this is the case, I think the disclosure you’ve done so far is adequate. However, I would inform your WW that you don’t intend to lie or cover for her, and if you’re directly asked what’s wrong you will answer honestly. Otherwise, at this time you don’t plan to go out of your way to discuss her A with others.

I would also inform her that all bets are off with regard to disclosure, as well as you moving towards D, unless she enters IC immediately. I would let her know, in no uncertain terms, that her refusal or delay in entering IC is a deal breaker, although you offer no guarantees of anything regardless. You can tell her you may consider R down the line if you find that her IC is working and that she is making progress with her actions. Again, no guarantees.

Remember, you need to stay strong, take total control, and drive the bus here. Your WW has no opinion or leeway in decision making as to your requirements at this time. It’s very important that your WW knows that D is very much on the table.

You’re doing a great job.

posts: 176   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8695160
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M1965 ( member #57009) posted at 12:20 AM on Wednesday, October 27th, 2021

Ark,

I think TRDD's idea is probably the best option at this point:

So I would just respond with something high level. Like 'thanks for asking, we're working through some things right now and I appreciate your concern. I'll reach out to you if we need some help'

If there are people who can support you and help you through this, then you can them whatever you think they need to know to be able to support you, or what you feel like telling them. The rest of the people are kind of 'spectators' at this point, and while they know something is amiss, they do not need to know everything at this stage. You are dealing with the very raw emotions that everyone deals with in the immediate aftermath of discovering infidelity, and you have no idea which direction you may feel like going in six months from now. If everyone around you knows every last detail, you would have to deal with that if you decide to stay in the marriage.

Your situation reminds me of a discussion I had with a girl I worked with in a supermarket back when I was at college. She told me that one of the other guys at the store had asked her for a date, and she said she was not sure how to respond. So she asked her brother. And he said, "Don't go on the date". She asked him why, and he said, "The fact that you have to ask me whether to go or not says that you have your doubts, and if you have doubts about it, don't do it". That struck me as incredibly wise and intuitive about listening to our inner 'voice'.

The fact that you have to ask the question suggests that you have no gut feeling one way or the other. In which case, say the minimum you can get away with, and as things progress, if you want to reveal more, you will feel it, and you will know it. It would be wrong to pretend nothing is happening, but your wider circle do not need the full details now. They will probably put two and two together anyway, and presume there is 'trouble in paradise'. For now, that is all they need to know.

posts: 1213   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8695205
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 12:57 AM on Wednesday, October 27th, 2021

Ark- JMO, you're not obligated to answer them at all. If any of them are particularly close you can respond along the lines "I sincerely appreciate your concern, we are working through some things, thank you for respecting our privacy."

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to "Life is short" you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 223   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021
id 8695211
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