Her fiancé asked a bunch of questions, ones I’ve already asked. I had to chime in, and yell a few times just out of complete irritation, and her trying to down grade everything.
After awhile we left then alone (my sister and my wife) to talk. My sister came back and said, she seems remorseful. But seemed to want to shrug this off on a few different incidents. Like the back scratch fight, and just being angry about it and loosing a "spark" after that fight. Holding resentment towards me.
If your wife really sees any kind of equivalence between you asking if she cheated, and her eleven month affair, there is something seriously wrong with her. Personally, I think she is desperately finding anything at all she can throw at you to try and create a motivation and justification for something that she chose to do independently, and which is 100% on her. If you buy into the ridiculous nonsense about grievances and grudges, which presumably means the affair was a punishment she deliberately inflicted on you in revenge - which any normal, sane person would do, right? - then you are going to end up apologizing to her and begging for her forgiveness.
I also wonder why, if the 'spark' was gone eleven months ago, and she was so resentful towards you and hellbent on revenge, she got pregnant by you nine months ago - AFTER the great resentful revenge affair had begun - and carried your baby to term. Isn't there a huge contradiction between hating a man, enacting vengeance against him, and then willingly getting pregnant by him and carrying his child? How does that hang together? It just doesn't.
If the 'spark' really was gone, and your wife really was full of resentment and an obsession with vengeance, why was she messaging you about how fantastic life with you was going to be in the new home, your daughter running down the corridors, etc? If there is no spark, and she hated you enough to punish you with a revenge affair, why would she have visions of such a happy future with you?
These are, of course, rhetorical questions.
It doesn't hang together, because she did not cheat due to missing sparks or quests for vengeance after foul slurs against her good character. She cheated because the opportunity came along, and she thought she could get away with it. Had she not mistakenly sent you that screengrab of her conversation with her AP, the affair might well still be going on, in tandem with happy families skipping down corridors of new homes.
Many wayward create a justification in their mind that makes their actions 'right', no matter how irrational or ludicrous the justification may be. It is psychological monkey shines, and it is going to take your wife some time to return to reality after self-brainwashing herself with the nonsense she is spouting currently.
There is no justification for what she did. None. If there were problems in the relationship, she could have talked to you about them. She did not. The problems only began after the affair began, because they were created to serve her purpose.
She may cling on to her 'reasons' for some time - some waywards never let go of them - because they prevent her from having to look at the real reasons for her actions, which are her own character, values, boundaries, and integrity. Some people are capable of putting down their shield of lies and taking a long, hard look at themselves in the mirror. Some are not.
To be absolutely fair here, it has to be said that just as you are still reeling because your D-Day is very recent, your wife's adherence to her bogus justifications and causes will still be strong for the same reason. She spent eleven months brainwashing herself with that garbage, and it is going to take time for her to stop doing it, let go of it, and truly start to own her actions as 100% her choices and decisions. The down-grading you mention suggests she has some way to go.
Please take good care of yourself, Ark. Everyone here wants what is best for you.
[This message edited by M1965 at 12:14 PM, Saturday, October 30th]