Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
Wife has been having an 11 month affair, advice needed

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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 7:11 PM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

This has already been covered but throwing my two bits in.

There is nothing you did or did not do that caused her to cheat. That is utterly and entirely bullshit. It is entirely on her that she cheated. The comments on blameshifting have already been made.

There is a lot of adultery in her family. There was some in my XWW's, too. There seems to be a higher propensity for adultery where there is a family history of it.

She committed adultery because she wanted to. She wanted to and there was opportunity. She wanted to, there was opportunity and she thought she would never get caught.

She had to make up reasons why she would do such a dastardly thing. She probably felt like she was a good person so there must be a very valid reason why she would do so. She came up with it and it was your fault in her mind. You were to blame.

How long would it have gone on without the accidental message? She, then, didn't confess. You had to get it from the adulterous partner. Fuck up two families. Oh well.

You are not to blame. It is entirely on her. I expect you will never forget. It's a burden. I'm glad the child turned out to be yours.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4689   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8693631
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:32 PM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

As you consider reconciliation please keep in mind you do not want to be the marriage police in your marriage.

It will make you crazy!!

If trust cannot be restore then you will always be looking over your shoulder. And that is no way to live.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10894   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8693632
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 7:35 PM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

That list is good but it's all things YOU are doing to fix this. What is SHE doing to fix this? Is she in IC? Is she on forums, reading books, listening to articles, watching videos, etc.? If not, she needs to be.

There isn't a big difference between, "I did it because you didn't give me enough attention" and "I think I did it because you did not give me enough attention." It doesn't matter that she said she takes full responsibility. She immediately contradicts herself by saying it's because of something you did or didn't do. Saying the marriage was at fault (i.e. "Things we're rocky", "We were disconnected", "The passion was gone", etc.) also is taking responsibility off of herself. What you're looking for from her is: "There's no excuse for cheating. I did it because I wanted to and used you/our marriage as a justification instead of talking to you/fixing the marriage/separating first." In many cases (like mine and yours), the marital issues weren't even real and the WSes intentionally did things to make them worse in order to further justify cheating. She needs to own up to the fact that you were there, working at it and giving her attention, but she chose to turn away from you in order to take up with OM. Anything short of that is a lie she tells herself.

posts: 5072   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8693633
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 8:07 PM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

This is the darkest time of my life.

We hear you. I never thought that I could be brought to such a level of despair, until I was personally hit with infidelity. To date, the toughest stuff that I have ever experienced.

Right now, you do what you feel is correct for your situation. Don't put a timetable on yourself just yet. It looks like you have taken plenty of action, and unfortunately, it will be up to TIME to help with the rest of the pain.

On a different note, did you know that the "not giving me enough/any attention" is one of the most common lies said by a wayward. Do you know what another one is?

And she said she’s willing to do ANYTHING to prove she can reconcile and be forgiven.

It's such a non-thought through, bullshit answer. It sounds great, because our shattered self-esteem likes to hear that we are that desired, but there are normally (3) realities about this saying:

1. She said this to make you feel better. It gives her a chance to prove herself. But she doesn't really mean it when it comes down to the difficult parts. She won't like the constant lack of trust, parenting, mood swings, and uncomfortable questions that you will repeatedly ask. Don't be surprised if you get ANOTHER all-too-famous response around here about "you can't treat me like this forever".

2. She WILL do ANYTHING. Basically, she becomes a subservient robot. A whipping post. A Stepford Wife. Someone who is not a partner, but a 'lesser-than' in your marriage. This is not a good result either.

3. The last one, which would be the best result, would be that she would do anything reasonable, and maybe even a little unreasonable for you, but would not do ANYTHING as it pertains to being of poor judgement. This is the partner that you want, but right now, how can you rely on her judgement? It has proven to be despicable. The only way to tell if her ability to make good judgements is for you to take a steep risk, and stay married to her. Not just stay married, but to commit yourself and make yourself emotionally vulnerable again.

The bottom line is that no matter what path you take, you have to process, and live with this betrayal. If you divorce tomorrow, that pain is still going to be there. If you started to reconcile, the pain is still there. The only way out of this pain is through it. It's beyond fucking unfair, but that is what we are left with. I don't think that living the rest of your life as a perpetual victim is going to make you feel any better. So if you are staying, at least for the time being with the possibility of reconciliation, hold her feet to the fire. Call her out on ANY poor behavior, because it is the culmination of these that has helped lead her to making some awful choices.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3855   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8693641
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 8:11 PM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

I feel Ike I can forgive, but I know I could never ever forget.

{snip}

So I’m leaning more towards D than R. But I’m going through the steps of R. So I can at least tell my daughters I tried.

R is hard. I'm not going to lie to you about that. It takes time and work to get to the point where you can forgive. But you never forget. All you can do about that is to keep reminding yourself that you chose to forgive, that you wrote off the emotional debt, and that you're living YOUR choice. And when I say work, I mean digging deep into your own psyche to figure out who you are and what you value. It requires that we figure out once and for all what we really want and that we re-learn how to love and respect ourselves; how to care for our own needs and how to prioritize our own happiness. Yes.. the WS needs a total tear-down to figure out what their malfunction is. But so too do we. Our old programming about love, sex, gender roles, commitment, etc. etc. is often not enough or even worse, too much. We have to open ourselves up to new thinking.

You're not wrong if you want D. And you don't owe it to anyone, not even your children to say you "tried". That's the cost of intimate betrayal and every cheater knows it. They might cry great big crocodile tears when caught, but they knew what they were risking did it anyway. Largely, because they thought they were too slick to get caught. rolleyes So no, you don't "owe" anything to her. That said, if you want to take your time to see what can be accomplished, that's totally up to you. There aren't any rules. Just remember that the worst possible outcome is to end up long term in a marriage that's no longer satisfying to you. Try giving yourself an end date; one year, two, but no more than five. Make sure you've seen an attorney and that you have an exit strategy in your back pocket, but if you really WANT to try, go ahead and do it. Just be smart about it so that you don't end up in the hell of limbo.

posts: 4680   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8693642
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Sufi22 ( new member #75842) posted at 8:23 PM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

Lots of great advice here. I hope you're taking some care of yourself so you can take care of your newborn...
How did the poly go?

D-day: Aug 3 2018
BH-60 WW-50s
M 21 years
WW had 2 year EA(maybe PA) and 1 year ongoing contact during Covid
1 DD
Trying to R

posts: 15   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2020
id 8693645
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 12:36 AM on Sunday, October 17th, 2021

Ok. You’re doing the right things. perhaps she also will actually do the work and do the right things to rebuild the marriage you had which she destroyed.

That said, what would be most important to me is how she views this man. Is he still in her heart? How do you know.

To be honest, if it were me, I’d tell her until she can prove that this man is lower than whale shit to her, that there is not relationship between you. That if he’s truly the love of her life then she should go be w him. That she has years of hard work until you’ll ever feel safe w her and that if she’s not up to doing that, you both should just move on.

And that starts w her in IC w an infidelity specialist. And let her know that you’ll not consider even trying to rebuild and reconciliation until she’s worked with that therapist for at least a year.

I wish you well. Stay strong. Actions, not words, are what’s important.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3227   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8693657
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 12:47 AM on Sunday, October 17th, 2021

she said she’s willing to do ANYTHING to prove she can reconcile and be forgiven.


If you have any glimmers in your mind about reconciling, I would definitely take her up on this. Think this through, other posters can likely suggest things she can do. Even if you D this could answer many questions about what the hell happened.

I'd suggest she arranges intensive individual counselling. Before reconciling she needs to understand what was broken in her to do this, and to be able to communicate to you that she understands it.

You might want to consider asking her for a detailed timeline of the affair. The reasoning here is if you're going to forgive her, it's best to know exactly what you're forgiving. Also, to get more insight how she could do this. Some people ask for detailed info, when was their first kiss, who pursued whom, when did their flirting start, did she fuck him in your house/car, all the times they had sex, what positions, did she tell him she loved him, when, did she send him photos, did they make films of their encounters, does she have gifts he gave her, she introduce him to your daughter, who else knew about the affair (friends, family). So you could learn a great deal if she gives you that, downside could be a soul crusher to read. If she's not up to writing such a timeline, consider having a long conservation with her where you ask all of that from prepared questions, record the conversation so you can listen to it later and think about her answers.

She has a selfish, cruel side to her. If you're thinking of reconciling I suggest you uncover all you can about it.

posts: 386   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8693660
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 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 5:16 AM on Sunday, October 17th, 2021

I know this isn’t the popular response. But I just started leaning into some tequila. There was no whiskey. And I’m not much of a drinker.

We had the polygraph today. Found out she sent him nudes from the beginning of the affair. So that takes out the whole (it was just a attention thing) it was about sex from the jump. Also found out she failed all of her classes (she’s going back to school for a different degree). On top of finding out he was buying her suckers (what I always bought her).

Then we went home. Got my daughters from my mother in law. Normally on the weekend we all do something as a family. Since we haven’t in awhile my 8 year old was insisting we did.

So we went shopping, and then to dinner. I was so angry I was in tears a few times. My wife tried comforting me but I refused. However, my 8 year old rushed in to comfort me.

We are now back home and I’m on "it’s 5 o’clock somewhere". After I put the girls to bed.

I don’t plan on this being a normal outlet. I just needed it tonight

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8693674
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jujuchrist ( new member #78594) posted at 7:09 AM on Sunday, October 17th, 2021

How did she meet this guy?
Was he the one who did the first step? Or did she literally look for an A?

Julien

posts: 43   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Marseille, France
id 8693677
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:34 AM on Sunday, October 17th, 2021

I’m sorry you found out additional facts or details about the affair this way. I know the devastation after holding out hope that you were being told the truth, only to learn you were being lied to.

Hang in there snd keep posting. You are not alone.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10894   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8693679
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 6:33 PM on Sunday, October 17th, 2021

I don’t want to divorce my wife.

I’m very glad to hear you are now reconsidering this thought. You need to start the D train. You can always pull the plug on D if the (truly) miraculous occurs and she transforms into a trustworthy wife (extremely unlikely).

My oldest daughter has no idea, and I don’t plan on telling her so they can keep a healthy relationship.

I would urge you to reconsider this thought should you D. Your kid(s) need to know - at an age appropriate level of course - that mom broke her promises before God and did one of the few things that kill a marriage. This is to the BENEFIT of your kids so they don’t ever think THEY contributed to the demise of the marriage.

My wife has never cheated before. I treat her like a queen

Sadly, there are countless stories of men who put their wives on pedestals and got severely burned because of it. Speaking in general terms, wives should be loved, but never worshipped.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8693715
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M1965 ( member #57009) posted at 12:10 AM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Ark04l,

The period that follows discovery of an affair is often called 'the rollercoaster' in this forum, because emotions can go up and down, sometimes several times a day. The feelings can range from overwhelming to a weird emotional emptiness, where we feel nothing at all.

Please do not think of making any kind of decision while you are at this stage. It is a horrible thing to go through, but when the emotions range between a burning hatred of our spouse to a feeling that we have to take what has happened and swallow it to preserve the marriage and family, none of us can make a balanced decision.

Please be good to yourself and make sure you are eating regularly and keeping yourself hydrated. It is easy to forget ourselves when our minds are elsewhere, particularly if our appetites have vanished. If you struggle to eat full meals, please consider getting some nutrition shakes and bars, the kind of things that are sold in sports shops for athletes.

As for the booze...I think a lot of us have been there, and there are times when the anaesthetic affect is what we need. From what you write, you know this should only be a temporary thing, and please be careful not to slide into regularly using alcohol because of what you are going through.

It can be difficult to work out what we want or need after discovering infidelity, but the main drivers for you should not be revenge or punishment, but what is best for you and the kids. You are living this, so do not worry about playing to the gallery. And that does not mean turning yourself into a human sacrifice and 'staying for the kids' when what you really want to do is leave. Things are at such an early stage that you cannot really make any 'big' decisions, so give yourself time until your feelings feel less like a knee-jerk reaction, and more like a considered 'best way forward', based on your priorities. Take whatever time you need.

We feel your pain, and our thoughts are with you.

posts: 1213   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8693756
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 12:44 AM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

You got some solid advice already so I'm going to try not to be repetitive:

Telling the kids: The kids already know something is seriously wrong. If they don't know now, they will definitely know later as shit begins to sink in and fall out-and it will. You're still in gobsmack shock phase. Kids are VERY intuitive and imaginative. If you don't inform the kids they will either draw their own erroneous conclusions and/or they will be susceptible to your WW's spin on events. If you don't tell the kids they will think Dad is either losing his mind for no reason or, Dad's being an asshole to poor Mommy for no reason. Keeping the kids in the dark puts you at a disadvantage, gives the advantage to your WW and undermines the kids sense of security far worse than the truth.

No Marriage Counseling! WAY to premature for this. INDIVIDUAL counseling only-for now. You no longer have a marriage to counsel. She killed it. You have to find out if your WW is even fit for marriage.

Post Nuptials: Not a bad idea, but don't bank on it. Post Nups signed under duress rarely hold up in court, and she's definitely under duress!

Filing for Divorce: If you don't file, your WW will do the bare minimum required to reconcile. She won't take R seriously. She won't have consequences hanging over her head if she slacks off. Serving her D papers tells her that unless she hero's up and starts kicking ass on an impressive BH and marriage saving crusade, a divorce is happening.

D papers show your resolve, dignity and self respect and can be rescinded when the time is right, on your terms.

It's going to be hard for her to give up 11 months of affair joy for the rigors of Reconciliation with a bitter, broken hearted BS. She's at high risk of breaking NC. Watch her closely if you're considering R.

"It Was A Mistake": If she drops this cliché line on you remember this...

Long Term Affairs are a lot of work and take GREAT EFFORT to establish, maintain, and secure.

An Affair is the culmination of literally thousands of well thought out decisions with earnest follow-through and literally thousands of opportunities to STOP the madness, to alter the course, to retrospectively look back on, that were repeatedly and decisively ignored, with great enthusiasm and without regret...until they got caught.

IT WAS ABSOLUTELY NO MISTAKE!

It was probably one of the most purposeful things she's ever done in her life.

She's had 11 long months to think about what she was doing to you and what would happen if you found out. The disrespect to you. The humiliation. The desecration of your vows. The damage to the children and their futures. The risk to your health. The life long trauma and altering of your perception of love and trust.

Think about that when considering R.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:07 AM, Monday, October 18th]

posts: 731   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8693761
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SeaUrchin ( new member #59856) posted at 1:22 AM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Ark

I think you're making all the right moves and covering all the proper bases. Don't feel guilty for taking a mental health break... even with tequila.

tbh, I think what you really were asking initially was should you stay or should you go... while you also were setting yourself up well if you decide to go.

The new info is a bitch to deal with, but it doesn't really alter the foundational destruction your wife did to your marriage, family and you.

Though I never found it, reconciliation is always my hope for people... especially those who have children together.

That said... I think you already know you need to dissolve your current sham of a marriage. It's dead... so you have to try to develop a new one. If it is with your children's mother, so be it.

As a father who watched two young girls, 6 and 9, go through their parents' flameout, I strongly suggest you focus on your 8-year-old and empathize with her confusion, but don't try to fool her. Make sure your newborn is fully part of maintaining your relationship with your daughter and take the high road and don't let your kids see your anger at their mother.

Both of my girls grew into amazing and self-sufficient women, and their mother and I are closer on a deeper and more honest level than we were at the giddy romantic heights of our marriage.

We are not married or back together... in fact, we are both divorced from our second spouses and living in different parts of the world.

I guess my point is, that while you are drowning in the darkness now, 5 years from now you could be dancing in the light.

You sound like a solid guy... take a break for awhile and try to figure it out. If you and her were meant to be, it will become clear.

Good luck

posts: 7   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8693764
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 10:30 AM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Brother you have a lot of emotions going throw your system at the moment.
Hug you children every chance you can. WW does need to become psychic and anticipate your emotions and help you through this shit fight. I am not on reditt, so how did she an AP get together? Ex BF? Coworker?
In relation to the nudes, drive home that once she pressed send on the picture she has lost all control over who get to see it and where it gets posted. No he will never do that but what about others he sent them too? He would be bragging to his mates ‘look at what I am banging’.
I applaud your response so far. Do what is right for you, not her. Children are and always should be #1. I don’t understand your WW reasons or responses for the cheating? It doesn’t make sense?
What was her justification to herself to undertake this destructive ways let alone what did she think would happen when caught? Her magic vagina would get her through this. You would make a boo boo face for a few weeks then manic time and massive rug sweeping. Then life is normal?
Strength to you and just use my mantra of. One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1207   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8693786
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 1:18 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

You could hire a troop of ninjas to follow her around but if she wanted to cheat she would find a way. Even ninjas sleep.
IF you were to reconcile you don’t want it to be based on her inability to cheat for practical reasons, but rather her unwillingness to cheat.

I would skip all the (excessive) monitoring and open the Golden Cage. Tell her something like:

I am done with monitoring you and am setting you free to do whatever you want. Be with OM, meet with him at a hotel or whatever. Don’t even have to be secretive about it.
But not as my wife.
I am simply assuming – based on what you have done, your failure at the poly and the fact you went there with lies – that you have chosen your path and I am not holding you back. I am starting the process of ending our marriage. There is no rush, no drama. Our state has an established process for the formal part and it should ensure as fair a result as possible.
If you have any wish or hope of saving this marriage then you have a slight opening now and possibly the next days to let me know and then to SHOW me through actions such as total verifiable truth, accountability, and actions that you want this marriage. Your actions can impact the speed, but I will need to be convinced to stop divorce proceedings because I fully realize and accept that sharing my wife with another man is not something I can live with.

And then place it in her hands to convince you.
I have to say that one of the more serious issues I see is that if she accepts to take a poly that she goes there with secrets. I don’t know if she thought she could fake it, but to me it indicates she doesn’t trust you with the truth. This one-sided trust she has to show is a key to any possibility to reconcile.

And please – I’m not suggesting you completely believe her and don’t monitor, but I am suggesting more of a path where you don’t fence her in and allow her to convince YOU she was at the Mall, that she isn’t talking to OM and so on. I think some of the steps you have taken to-date might give a false sense of security. Like the postnup that tend to leak like a sieve if waved at court at a later date.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10017   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8693798
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 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 5:48 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Today has been hard. Can’t work. I’ve literally been sitting in the same spot for hours.


We tried doing a family movie night lastnight. Again, for my daughters sake. But I think it hurt me more than it did good.

She keeps trying to tell me she will do whatever is needed. Sexually. Mentally. At home. For the kids.

But it still makes me feel empty..

I don’t want to be single again. I’ve always wanted to be a family guy. Build a future for my kids and wife. But I just can’t stand how that’s all been burned.

Ugh… sorry y’all. It’s just a fucking bummer today.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8693830
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 6:03 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Your last post should remind people that not all men like to go catting around. Many good, decent, fun to be around, men are still happy to be home with their loved ones. I’m so sorry this was taken away from you. Whether or not you stay or you go you’re taking your good decent person with you.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 3003   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8693833
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 6:49 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Why now, after a week is she suddenly 'willing to do anything' to save her marriage?

Because if she hadn't sent you the screenshot entirely by mistake, she'd be in a hotel room with him today.

Cliche but it's true - she wasn't 'sorry' when you didn't know about what she was doing.

I'm so sorry you're here. Eat, sleep, and drink water (not faulting you for some tequila, but don't lean too hard into that cus it's way too easy to come to depend on it as well as for things to get out of control if a heated discussion comes up).

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3208   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8693835
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