Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
Wife has been having an 11 month affair, advice needed

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rambler ( member #43747) posted at 4:00 AM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

Please see an attorney, she is documenting against you and may be trying to set up a DV against you.he

She has zero remorse and is justifying the affair so true reconciliation is not possible.

She was banging this guy up to two weeks before she delivered. She has issue and she villanizes you.

By filing her charges will seem more retalitory . you need to protect yourself.

making it through

posts: 1279   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8693936
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:38 AM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

I saw a "locked" note on her iPhone. Asked her to show me. She told me she didn’t know how to unlock in. Then proceeded into our room and got on her computer taking it to the bathroom… can’t make this shit up. She deleted the note from her computer. And saved it in Microsoft word.

Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. All you’re getting are lies and from the rest of that post it sounds like shes a serial cheater and you only know the tip of this iceberg. DNA YOUR KIDS!

[This message edited by Marz at 4:38 AM, Tuesday, October 19th]

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8693940
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 7:00 AM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

So she is now saying because I accused her of cheating, that’s what made her angry and bottle up anger to take it out in a terrible way. Because before this affair, she had never cheated and was always faithful

I wouldn't even bother arguing with her about that. I'd just ask her if that's her final answer and then file for divorce. Look at what she's saying. If there's nothing in her character which is capable of stopping her from cheating whenever she's angry and resentful, she's telling you plainly that she can never be trusted. By her math, her fidelity is contingent on YOUR behavior shocked ... and that's not a marriage. That's a hostage situation. So yeah, if that's her final answer as to WHY she betrayed you, your marriage, and your family dynamic, your best bet is to see an attorney and run like your hair is on fire. Already, you've probably run afoul of condonation in your state of Oklahoma, which would take divorcing on grounds off the table. I think you'd be wise to contact an attorney (or three) and find out where you stand.

I'm so sorry. Your WW is still clueless at this point, although you'd think that she's do a little research or something if the marriage was important to her. It wouldn't take more than a half-hour online for a WS to find out that blame-shifting is like the WORST strategy ever.

I know it's really early days and you're still thinking about R. That's kind of a kneejerk reaction by a great many BS's, just trying to get the status quo back in order. And who knows, maybe she'll turn it around and realize that she's going to have to provide a REAL answer for why she's done this. Certainly what she's given you so far is NOT GOOD ENOUGH for any BS to waste more of their life on. If you accept anything less than her taking 100% responsibility for her choices and then actually accomplishing the painful and humbling work of reordering her broken character, you'll just be rugsweeping and it won't hold up over time.

posts: 4680   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8693945
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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 8:38 AM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

As far as failing every class her last semester...

You do realize every time you thought she was in class, she was actually with him having sex instead, right?

posts: 2655   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8693950
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 9:25 AM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

Could you elaborate on the poly process?
How did it go, how many questions, maybe even what questions.
It will help up help you.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10017   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
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svengundenblum ( new member #78794) posted at 10:56 AM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

"Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. All you’re getting are lies and from the rest of that post it sounds like shes a serial cheater and you only know the tip of this iceberg. DNA YOUR KIDS!"


Sure, you say that you've tested the baby and are sure it's yours,
BUT,
how about your other child?
From your own words it would seem that she has neither understood nor taken her marriage vows seriously for a long long time.
Let your wife know that you are getting a paternity test for your older child and then go through with it.
This may just clue her in on how seriously you take her betrayals. That she can't just skate on it. A reality check.
And, who knows what you might find.

I'm sorry Ark but I think you've got yourself a bad apple there.

posts: 11   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8693959
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:03 PM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

OP - your WW had an affair during her entire pregnancy, is blaming her A on you, and was screwing her AP causing her to fail her classes that you paid for. I think you need to look less at the cost of D in Oklahoma versus your WW character.

She didn’t suddenly turn into this person 11months ago. This is who she has been all along. You simply elected to ignore her character flaws because you put her on a pedestal.

She is a repeat offender type of person. Divorce is the best option.

posts: 176   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8693962
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 1:56 PM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

I think the polygraph was a bit rushed. Or maybe I think so because we don't know the details. Do you have a detailed timeline of the A? The fact that she could still go on with her lies made me think you didn't have it. This would make the polygraph much clearer and easier.

Btw, your past doubts weren't unfounded either.

What exactly were your polygraph questions? Maybe you already know, but I need to explain; the polygraph does not reveal the absolute truth, it depends on what the respondent considers to be true.

For example, if the respondent did everthing except sexual intercourse and she does not accept any sexual activity other than sexual intercourse as cheating and if she is asked "have you ever cheated on your husband other than this?" and she said "no", she passes the test.

The questions had to be concrete. Since many questions were not asked in the polygraph, all the details should be included in the timeline and the accuracy of the timeline should be asked in the polygraph. The subjects that wanted still to be known in particular should have been asked separately.

The use of some sedative drugs can also make her pass the test. Has a blood test been done about it or are you sure she didn't use?

Anyway, from what you just said, we understand that your WW was not too reluctant to step out of marriage in the past either. I mean, these things weren't all of a sudden and unthinkable but could be expected from her.

The fact that she hides that she has failed from all classes last semester is not just about cheating but also showing that lying is nothing out of character for her. The lie about her phone battery dying and flirting with the guy also...

It seems that you were the only one who saw your marriage as perfect and put it on the pedestal, I think it's time to see it for what it is. Even if you don't want it, she shows herself.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 7:58 AM, October 19th (Tuesday)]

posts: 564   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
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Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 2:03 PM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

You have to 100% assume that note was part of the documentation process that her legal team is having her do. It wasn’t for a therapist, that stuff a therapist talks out. Also, a therapist talking to her would be talking about her, not a random argument that you got into six years ago.

posts: 1739   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 2:54 PM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

Sorry for the terrible situation your WW has put you and your kids in.


You've gotten lots of great input here. I will just add a few quick things:

The scratches on her back story now has to be seen in a very different light but I guess she passed the poly question for other affairs so who knows?

Divorce is painful but it is fully survivable by parents and kids alike. The pain is real but I think the pain of D is significantly less than the pain of a protracted, false Reconciliation. Which is something to keep in mind. And that leads me to R. True R takes a ton of work and multiple years. It seems like most couples that stay together only partially get R right. They rugsweep things and thus the relationship never really heals; resentment festers. Some do R well and after 3 years or so they've healed and built a new relationship. But that takes a lot of patience and hard work. Particularly on the part of the wayward spouse.

Your wife is saying some of the right things for R right now which is actually a positive thing. Some WW never even get to that point. However, she is not showing she is truly ready for it by her actions. Lots of people have said that to you here. I would add one important thing... that is actually normal. Most waywards don't get caught and suddenly have a revelation where they immediately know how to handle the terrible situation they've created. It takes time for them to grapple with this. Of course as a BS, that pisses us off. She's stuck an emotional knife in you, deeply. Why should she get time to figure this out?

It's terribly unfair, the whole thing, but a WW does actually have a whole lot of difficult shit to come to terms with before they can truly start to help their BS on a consistent basis, authentically. Just looking in the mirror and accepting what she's done, well, that's a really difficult task according to many of the WW who post here at SI. Doing the work to even understand why she stuck the knife in you, again, really difficult work. And then finding out how to heal you. Again, no one just wakes up and understands how to do all this stuff.

I am not trying to sell you on R but if you are inclined to see if it might be feasible, you need to somehow find the strength to give her time to figure this out. I think the 180 helps with that, as does a separation. (i know you want to be with your kids for the holidays but you also need to heal for them too). Make sure she is seeing an IC that specializes in infidelity. Tell her to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair. She needs guidance on what to do and lots of it. Without it, the task is too difficult. She says she's willing to do anything but her brain is probably in tatters so she needs the resources to understand what she's done and how to move forward to become safe for the marriage and help to heal you. Be careful about revealing this site... I think mot betrayed don't want their WW reading their thoughts here. But you can recommend the book and a specialist IC. If you make a few of these recommendations you can them see how she responds to them. That would be telling because a remorseful wayward will normally jump on resources to help them. They won't be perfect but they'll act.

If you don't want to R then all of that does not matter. You can just move toward D. It's actually the easier move to D. And once people in your life understand what she did, absolutely no one will blame you for D. But if you think R might be something you'd consider if you see her demonstrate that she is one of the minority of people who can do the work on herself, the marriage and you... then I would make sure you give her time and tell her to find the help she needs to take that journey.

posts: 405   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 5:08 PM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

What I stumble at is this:
Early on she makes this statement:
I will do ANYTHING to save this marriage.

I’m guessing you demanded the truth. After all – why go to a poly except to confirm you know the truth. That’s the ANYTHING you wanted.
At the poly she fails – indicating she hadn’t told you the truth.
(But then, maybe you hadn’t asked the questions. That’s why I asked you for more info on the poly process).

So basically she HADN’T done everything – the derivative of doing anything to save this marriage. She hadn’t told you the truth.

This raises the question: If she didn’t really do everything you needed to save the marriage BEFORE the poly then why should you take any note of when she tells you she will do everything to save the marriage NOW?

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10017   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8694007
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 7:04 PM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

I am sorry OP. The one detail that really sticks out to me though, is that your WW was having sex with OM 2 weeks before your daughter was born. What man has sex with a woman who is about to deliver another man's child. And likewise, what woman has sex with someone when she is about to deliver another man's child. Do you see where I am going with this? I know it has been established that you are in fact the biological father. I find it awfully hard to believe though, that WW and OM did not think the baby was his all along. Their gleeful little secret against you.

What *almost* everyone else said already. Meanwhile, WW was not confused, she is a crooked woman who willingly tricked you, OP. And she is also NOT a candidate for R, and no one should be trying to peddle any hopium on here!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:17 PM, Tuesday, October 19th]

posts: 333   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8694025
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DoinBettr ( member #71209) posted at 9:27 PM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

So she is saying she was angry and that is why she cheated?

It was bottled up and came out with her deciding to have an 11 month affair, while trying to get pregnant and questioning the parentage of her own child.

She should be saying, "Sorry I know you were worried I was cheating in the past and now I have made those terrible nightmares real."
Instead, "I made those terrible nightmares real because you didn't trust me." (My wife tried something similar, but I just shrugged and got the divorce papers out. We are still married but I worry there will be a reckoning when the kids leave the house. I have seen too many of my friends go through that period lately.)

So, ask her, since she used anger to get sex and attention, now that you are angry, you should start an affair? It kind of turns the blade back on her. You have to akido this crap with them. Show them there words are always pointing the flaw to being with someone else.

The last thing to mention is asking her how she would feel if you cheated now. Would she blame you or herself? We had a digital series I went through and this really tripped up my wife. She eventually had to accept, the flaw was with her because she was always blaming me. Even if I cheated back, it was going to be about me "Having to even things out" when she "Needed attention." It showed her she was trying to play the good guy the whole time and none of her trying to resolve my pain involved her really trying to fix the part of her that said to herself, "It is ok to cheat this one time. This won't hurt anyone. You can handle it."

posts: 601   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Midwest
id 8694049
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 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 4:17 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

You all have made some amazing point. Again I’m sorry I can’t respond to each one of you.

There are a lot of questions about the poly. I listed a great deal of those questions and handed them off to the professional. He informed me there was no spike about her ever cheating before. He dug into her past quite a bit. She was truthful about everything on the list I asked. However, it kept spiking when he asked if she was hiding anything else. Those spikes were her failing her classes and him buying her more gifts.

On Monday night I asked her to move into her dads house with the new baby for the time being. I just can’t think with her in the house. I keep drifting in and out of a false reality. Which is "everything is fine" we will be watching a movie (for our daughter who is 8). And then I’ll snap back and be like wtf am I doing?! This lady was just with another man?!

So then it will all start again. I’ll break down, yell, cry, etc. So I currently have my 8 year old at the house with me. We told her the baby is still sick and needs to be away from everyone who is also sick. My 8 year old and I have a cold. So she understood.

My wife is still wanting us to go to counseling. Marriage counseling instead of individual. I keep explaining that If I can’t heal, I can’t move on. Period. Marriage counseling is a waste of time. The marriage was murdered by you. So we can’t even consider ourselves friends let alone husband and wife until I have time to heal.

Her being gone is starting to make me feel lonely already? Hard knots in my stomach.

I was so deeply in love with her. And now I’m sick at the thought of her. But I still don’t want to see her go? Is that normal? The thought of us ending it, and her being with another man absolutely kills me. But I know if I stay I’ll be just as miserable even if I can forgive I won’t be able to forget.

I plan on finding a individual counseling today.

Thanks everyone

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8694157
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 4:53 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

Gently…
I am former law enforcement and have some experience with polygraphs…
They don’t work that way…
You don’t give a list of questions and then the operator functions as a semi-therapist with 10-20 questions. He doesn’t probe beyond the questions he has already decided on and listed.

In most instances the operator will meet with the customer (you) and go over what it is you want and then focus it down to 2-3 key issues. A good operator will give you 3-5 questions that will be put to the person being tested. At least one will be an indicator question that you should fail (like have you ever lied) and one will be a different wording on an already asked question. The questions will be on empirical issues rather than theoretical – factual rather than emotional.

I wonder why you asked the operator to check on her progress at school. He also seems to have gotten to the bottom of when they started sending pictures. Also that he sent her presents. That would require a very unique and strange series of questions for someone that is dealing with infidelity. The standard go-to questions tend to be "Have you had sexual relations (as we defined that term before the test) with any person other than your husband since [place date here]. Asking "how are you doing at school" really doesn’t make sense. (Especially considering you can probably get her grades online through some student portal).

You should really look at the qualifications of the operator. There is something very off here…
You could help by sharing the questions asked.

BTW – this is why I always say poly’s have their place in moving on from infidelity but need to be used correctly and at the correct time. If you two were reconciling then a poly would be used once you thought you have the truth. It’s used to confirm you have the truth and that in turn gives a strong indicator on if R is possible or not. If your spouse tries to retain secrets or lies and fails the poly you should be talking to an attorney. If they pass you need to start looking at increasing the trust-but-verify trustpoints they just gained.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10017   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8694169
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 5:12 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

My wife is still wanting us to go to counseling.

The marriage wasn’t broken she is. Marriage counseling can be a rug sweeping event or may even try and blame you.

Beware. These people are not Gods and some cause even more damage.

[This message edited by Marz at 5:13 PM, Wednesday, October 20th]

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 5:28 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

I agree with Bigger about the poly. My WW's polygraph was two questions, whittled down from four. I'd be VERY skeptical of a polygraph that included more than a few carefully worded questions.

Mine were something like:

*Have you had any other relationships, flirtations of any kind whatsoever with another man in the course of our marriage aside from AP?
*Did you have sex more than once?

I allowed the polygraph examiner to word these precisely according to his professional expertise.

My WW technically "failed" the overall polygraph, though the examiner did tell me the question of sex more than once was where my WW "spiked."

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4390   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
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 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 6:04 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

Regarding the poly-

I gave him a list of questions. Pre poly we all sat down. He asked her all of the questions and asked her to to disclose any of that information. She did.

During the poly he focused on 2-3 things. Did she cheat before. Was she honest about all information regarding the affair. And is there other outlying information she didn’t disclose.

He did a good job. He’s also a state trooper and has been doing polys for about 20 years.

I got the information I needed.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8694183
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Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 6:51 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

OP - I think others have mentioned. Use this time apart to think about what you want, what is best for you, your kids (left out WW on purpose). In the meantime consult with an attorney in order to have a fair assessment what the pitfalls of each route, R or D.

If I am in your shoes, I don't think I can forgive (let alone forget) her cheating and the way she conducted herself during the affair. But that just me and you have two little ones to consider thus meeting with an attorney is critical. Not to start the process but knowing what you will be dealing with if that's the chosen route. Sorry you find yourself in this shitty situation and there are no good options but less shitty ones if you choose wisely.

Good luck.

posts: 173   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8694193
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 7:02 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

I gave him a list of questions. Pre poly we all sat down. He asked her all of the questions and asked her to to disclose any of that information. She did.

During the poly he focused on 2-3 things. Did she cheat before. Was she honest about all information regarding the affair. And is there other outlying information she didn’t disclose.

This maps to my security clearance poly. I basically had to write down a list of things (disclosures) that we looked at and talked about. In the poly itself he asked if there was anything else not on the list. So a lot of questions squished into one (big) one.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2750   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8694196
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