Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
Wife has been having an 11 month affair, advice needed

default

HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 7:09 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Why now, after a week is she suddenly 'willing to do anything' to save her marriage?

Because if she hadn't sent you the screenshot entirely by mistake, she'd be in a hotel room with him today.

A brutal truth

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2750   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8693838
default

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 7:17 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

She keeps trying to tell me she will do whatever is needed. blush Sexually. Mentally. At home. For the kids.

But it still makes me feel empty..

I don’t want to be single again. I’ve always wanted to be a family guy. Build a future for my kids and wife. But I just can’t stand how that’s all been burned.

Bud she’s only sorry she got caught. See what is rather than what you want to see. Unfortunately infidelity repeats are not uncommon.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8693840
default

HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 8:12 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

She keeps trying to tell me she will do whatever is needed. Sexually. Mentally. At home. For the kids.

This aint you. You were a good husband, a provider and a good father. Don't change who you are b/c she was a shit wife, with shit boundaries. Even if she can keep this up for a little while, she won't be able to forever. And if she does, she is going to have major resentment even though she was the one who fucked up in the first place. That is not and will not be a good long term plan or solution. It will be build up resentment in her, and its just not who you are as a person.

Listen to some of the other folks, she accidentally sent you the screenshot, and now she's the perfect wife??? Think about that for a second! She didn't come to you offering the truth, and once she got caught she was attempting still to lie to your face, and now all of a suddend she's will to be the perfect wife? You're being manipulated and lied to still. See this for what it is.

Is R still possible, sure, if you want it to. But do you really want it to, and is it maybe just too early to make that decision. I think you're got a good handle with all that you're doing so far on locking down the phones, cameras and the poly. You just have to kind of keep walking through this valley right now and realize that there isn't going to be a quick fix. But do ask yourself if you can even live with this 1 yr, 5 yrs, and 10 yrs down the road. it might save you some time

posts: 1192   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8693845
default

CM70 ( member #76077) posted at 8:46 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Ark, I am a little late to this thread but you have already been given some great advice. I have been there totally understand where you at. As other have already stated cheaters lie allot! My wife of twenty-years told me everything I wanted to hear after I caught her having an affair. I was in denial & didn't want to break up my family, the problem is she (WW) already did that when she stepped out on me and broke her vows. The best piece of advice I can give you is watch her actions not her words. My wife lied repeatedly to my face, and although she told me she would work hard and do everything to repair the damage she did. Her actions told me she was full of sh#t!

No matter what keep your head up, you are the prize not your cheating WW! I was really down at one point and one of my best friends could see it on my face and in my body language. She told me that exact thing "Get your head up, you deserved better you are the F'ing prize!!!" You know what she was right! Work out, get some rest (get a sleeping pill prescription if needed), eat well and keep pushing forward. At this point your goal is to get out of Infidelity & your best path is to move towards Divorce as quickly as possible, if there is any chance for R you will have time to back out of Divorce down the road.

posts: 100   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8693851
default

 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 8:52 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

I’m ready for the eye rolls on this one. Because I have done it as well.

She was "ending the affair" they were over. That was the last call. Mind you THEY HAD SEX on sept 1st. And my daughter was born on sept 13th.

He happened to call her the 19th my other daughters birthday. Just to "check on her" and that be the last call, ever. I still call bullshit. But who knows.

She says she would of had to tell me at some point. Again, I call bullshit. She did all this because he showed her all this extra attention. Yet, they were sending each other nudes from the start. So it was always about sex. It wasn’t just words of affirmation.

The poly, she passed somewhat. It came out she failed her whole last semester of school. She never told me that. So there’s another lie. (She’s 30, wanted to go back to school for psychology). So she was failing her classes, and lied to me by not telling me about it. Oh, and he bought her more candy (suckers) which happened to be the gift I always bought her in a whim. So he knew, she liked them.

The whole this is so fucked.

And even with all that. It’s still hard for me to wrap my head around all of this.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8693852
default

Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 9:05 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Oh boy - the stuff she is spewing is such horseshit, but it's quite typical - we refer to this horseshit as "things from the Cheater's Handbook." rolleyes rolleyes

You don't have to rush into any decision - but it would probably help if you at the very least had her move into a guest room or the couch (don't give up your bedroom, you didn't cheat!)so you can have some time to yourself to sort this out.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you - this is one hell of a nasty betrayal and if you decide it's a dealbreaker, that is perfectly okay. We will support you no matter what you decide, but the path is to get out of infidelity.

Sending strength,

Lala

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8648   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8693856
default

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 9:12 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

She was "ending the affair" they were over.

laugh laugh laugh laugh I’ve heard that one before. Right up there with swearing on the children’s lives and parents graves.

Bud she’s ready to rugsweep. It was only sex !!! I guess this makes everything ok now laugh laugh laugh

[This message edited by Marz at 9:16 PM, Monday, October 18th]

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8693857
default

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 9:32 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Do you think your WW failed school because her mind and body was on her AP snd not school?

When you say she passed the poly what questions did she pass snd what did she specifically fail?

When your WW keeps saying she’ll do anything to save the marriage, what is she actually doing (real actions) to save the marriage and show true remorse snd empathy? You have restricted and locked everything down well, but you have done all of that. What is she actually doing?

posts: 176   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8693862
default

Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 9:54 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

I wouldn't say it's all the time, but in many many cases when they are caught, they say "I was already ending it." This is a common lie, one of many they will tell because they think it somehow paints them in a better light and buys them time with you.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4390   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8693867
default

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 9:55 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

I would also recommend to stop telling your WW that you don’t want to divorce her and keep the family together. She’s suffered relatively few consequences short of her social media snd movement being locked down.

She had her fun with her AP and knows she totally got away with it because she gets to keep her amazing husband as well as her family in tact.

Divorce should absolutely be on the table and your WW needs to know this. Actions on your part towards divorce should definitely be initiated. As CM70 said, you can always pull back on D. You’re suffering, can’t eat, sleep, function, etc.. I bet your WW is sleeping like a baby.

posts: 176   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8693869
default

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 10:23 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Really sorry for you, as I do for anyone who has been cheated on. But I must point out that your situation is a little sadder. You treat your wife like a queen and look at the reward you get in return.

Of course it's complete bullshit for her to say she doesn't feel like she's getting any attention to justify her cheating, but think about it, what can you do to avoid being cheated on? NOTHING.

When it's not enough for her to have the best husband possible, how can the atmosphere at home satisfy her when you reconcile?

Normally, I'm not much of a supporter for R, but I still express my opinions on what BSs who want to R should do. In your case, I can't even think about suggesting R.

Cheating is one hundred percent on cheater. But we might think that if there were things you could fix, it might have been harder for her to convince herself to cheat. But no, in your case we can't even say that. We can't say why she cheated or what it takes not to cheat again. And it seems that nothing could stop her from cheating. So how can you be sure it won't happen again in the future? Unfortunately you can't.

She wanted and did it. Hurting you, destroying your family, who the father of her baby is, etc. she didn't care at all.

I'm sure the idea that AP is the baby's father was also a good excitement for them. Moreover, I don't know if your newborn was there or not but that facetime call maybe meant to show her to her father(!). Happy that she is yours.

Let's get this clear, she's sorry for herself now, not for you or for destroying her family. She knew the risk she was taking, and it must have been worth it because she kept going until the end.

Don't feel obligated to do anything. You don't have to try for your daughters. It is better for them to have happy co-parents who love them rather than an growing in an unhappy family. The newborn will already perceive this as the usual order.

As for you, I'm sure you still love your wife deeply. But think, is she really who you think she is? A cheater and a liar, could you really love her? This is her reality. Maybe you also think of subjectively nice things about her and you say "that's not her".

What you think of the cheater when you hear about this happening to someone else, that's her. She showed you who she is, believe her. You were the one who made an effort for your marriage even when she was not in an A. She wasn't who made your marriage and your family beautiful. Actually, it seems that they weren't good enough for her anyway. She chose to give the love and attention she could give you to another man.

You don't love her so much because she deserved and earned your love. You love her so much because you can, that's the way you love, nothing to do with her. I'm sure you love your kids, your parents, your friends etc. the same way. Can you say that if you loved another woman you wouldn't do what you did for her? See that you're the prize, and she didn't appreciate it. She didn't deserve you and shouldn't have you.

I suggest you don't give her a gift she doesn't deserve. And you can't even be sure that it won't happen again. What is it worth if she swears a thousand times?

Best wishes

posts: 564   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8693878
default

Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 10:26 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Bigger gave you great advice on page 2. Start the divorce proceedings. Open the golden cage.

All that stuff she's saying is just white noise until she starts stepping up and actually DOING something real, being authentic and transparent. The rest is just words.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:27 PM, Monday, October 18th]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4390   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8693881
default

longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 11:16 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Do I understand she was out getting laid in her 9th month? What kind of reckless sick fuck is she? That is just twisted?

And she failed ALL her classes? Was she even going to class? If not, what was she doing?

You do not know this woman at all. There is no marriage to save no matter what she says.

posts: 1091   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8693888
default

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 11:55 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

She was "ending the affair" they were over. That was the last call.

Sorry but not valid. This was one of the lies that should have been told in the first place. What's the point of saying after all this time, and after the polygraph of course? I guess she didn't read the cheater's handbook carefully, no wonder she failed all classes.

She says she would of had to tell me at some point

.

Well, wish she'd said it instead of denying and lying when she got caught. So, that was the best point to say.

You should make sure that she understands thoroughly; cheating is a terrible thing anyway, if she doesn't want to make it worse, she should stop lying and making a fool of you immediately.

It came out she failed her whole last semester of school.

Yeah, we all know what she did last semester.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 5:56 PM, October 18th (Monday)]

posts: 564   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8693894
default

HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 12:06 AM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

How are you going to wrap your head around the fact that she was screwing some other dude the entire time she was pregnant if you R? How does one overcome that?

posts: 1192   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8693897
default

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 12:22 AM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

Under the circumstances I’d DNA the child.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8693899
default

M1965 ( member #57009) posted at 12:25 AM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

She was "ending the affair" they were over.

It is incredible how many cheaters make the same ridiculous claim AFTER they get busted. And it is always garbage. It is like a serial burglar telling the cops who caught him, "This was my last job. I was about to turn myself in because my conscience was really bothering me".

There was no more reason for your wife to end the affair at that point than there was a month before that, or six months before that. And yet she didn't do it. And at the point you busted it, the affair was still 100% live and running.

This is just more blatant lying, which illustrates that your wife is still actively trying to deceive you, as she did for every day of the eleven months - if it was not longer - of the affair. That is why you cannot give any credibility to her claims of being ready to do anything to save her ass. Given that she is still lying, anything she does in her current state of mind will be fake, and done purely to manipulate and pacify you. The worst thing you can do is trust a single thing she says, because she is nowhere near the state of true remorse or honesty when people stop lying and abandon their 'wayward' ways.

It came out she failed her whole last semester of school. She never told me that. So there’s another lie. (She’s 30, wanted to go back to school for psychology). So she was failing her classes, and lied to me by not telling me about it.

That could be classified as a different form of infidelity, but an illustration of how comprehensive your wife's deception of you has been. It is nothing to do with her affair, and yet she lied about that too.

Do not trust her; she uses lies to control you, as all liars do. Believe only what you can prove independently.

posts: 1213   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8693900
default

Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 12:54 AM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

You will trigger a lot. There will be the first for every event that they did together. These will triggers emotional responses for you. You will go through the why’s, what were you thinking? AP did these things on these days to establish ownership over WW. Birthdays, anniversary’s etc. All to be that over you. Not being mean but sexually he did things with WW that you didn’t.
One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1207   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8693908
default

 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 2:55 AM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

You all, thank you for the responses they help more than you know! I’m still new so I don’t understand yet how to highlight and respond to each one of you.

But tonight we got into a fight. I saw a "locked" note on her iPhone. Asked her to show me. She told me she didn’t know how to unlock in. Then proceeded into our room and got on her computer taking it to the bathroom… can’t make this shit up. She deleted the note from her computer. And saved it in Microsoft word.

After about 20 minutes of arguing she finally told me that is was a conversation she wrote down of one of our fights. And showed it to me on word. She was planning on showing this to the therapist. I deleted it because it wasn’t all true. She was mad about that. Anyway..

2 years ago I accused her of cheating, then apologized after we talked. We were in the shower and I noticed long scratches all the way down her back. She claimed they were from her bra.. but obviously the bra doesn’t make it all the way down and up to create what looked like "sex scratches" she said she bottled that up and it might be a reason. Again, I apologized for my accusations and for the next week made sure she knew I was sincerely sorry. Which I’ve never heard about since we last agrued about it.

Going back a bit more about 6 years ago she lied to me. Which honestly has given me PTSD and has had me question her in the past. She was at a concert with her mom, told me her phone was going to die and couldn’t talk until she got back home (no charger). When she got home and fell asleep her phone was blowing up on Snapchat. She had been talking to a "guy friend" all night even after telling me her phone would die. He had been sending her flirtatious messages. So the next day I confronted her on it. And even called the guy to yell at him. Since then I’ve always been a little skeptical. So the back scratch thing was a trigger for me.

She passed both of those on the poly. And didn’t cheat on me before? But who really knows at this point.

So she is now saying because I accused her of cheating, that’s what made her angry and bottle up anger to take it out in a terrible way. Because before this affair, she had never cheated and was always faithful

Again, I can’t make this shit up. Past arguments, that have long been made up for are now her excuse.

On another note- anyone have some advice on how to not get screwed in a divorce in Oklahoma. Unfortunately the state hardly ever favors the male. She said she wouldn’t fuck me over if I absolutely couldn’t reconcile. But again, who knows

Thanks you guys. Seriously y’all are keeping me moving

[This message edited by Ark04l at 3:01 AM, Tuesday, October 19th]

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8693926
default

fareast ( member #61555) posted at 3:19 AM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

Hang in there and focus on you and your children. I am very sorry you are going through this with such young children.

I think you know this: Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused your WW to cheat. She cheated because she wanted to do it. She knows it was wrong, but she is grasping at straws and rewriting your marital history trying to shift blame on to you. Shut that down. She needs to take complete responsibility for her betrayal. You are not a perfect H, but she is not a perfect W. You are in the same M and you didn’t cheat.

Her reactions to being caught scream spoiled and entitled, not remorseful. She has to face the awful thing she did, cheating while pregnant with your child, with humility and shame. Watch her actions and not her words. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2854   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8693929
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20211202 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy