Ark04l - you're going to get a lot of opinions here, all of them genuine and coming from a place that want to help you.
Personally, I think that advice to betrayed spouses and how they are allowed to behave should be (relatively) uniform regardless of their gender, but that isn't always the case.
And certainly the general dynamics of male/female in terms of physical intimidation need to be understood.
However, regardless of the gender of the betrayed spouse, I come from the school of "tough shit if you are called some nasty names or told some uncomfortable truths about yourself after you fuck someone behind your partner's back."
Rage is normal. Spouting off some nasty names or nastygrams is perfectly normal. And up to a point, cathartic.
If somebody sucker-punches you smack in the nose, and you in turn verbally call them a vile motherfucker - I think that person got the better end of the deal, got off easy in fact, while you have a broken and bleeding nose and maybe a concussion.
So to compare your calling her names, after you find out that your wife didn't even know who the father of her child was, but she was happy to have you raise the child as your own, while she continued to fuck the sleazebag during her entire pregnancy, is simply a false equivalency.
Now, is calling her every name in the book and raging at her "right"? Of course not! But you are not Jesus. After what you just found out, what was inflicted upon you, it is completely understandable that your anger is verbalized. Not with "What you did hurt me so much...", but with "You are a ...." - because it is true.
I find that reading here, there is a definite divide of telling men to eat their emotions, and understanding the need, or even encouraging women to let it fly.
All that aside - now you have to be smart. Your story is TERRIBLE! But now you have to understand that it can get even worse.
Your wife is PSYCHO to behave the way she did, and the way she is behaving after being caught. I agree with every poster that she is building a case against you. Even if she isn't trying to build a court case (she is), she is trying to build a case against you as a person.
You need to get away from her now, and honestly you need to stay away from her. She will ruin your life - even more than she has already.
Maybe she can be redeemed as a human being in the future. But do you really want to take that chance?
And can you truly accept her back in your life, as your wife - forever?
I agree that the 180 and "Grey Rock" are what you should do. However, the pain is so fresh, raw, and enormous, I don't see how you can really contain your disgust with her and what she did.
So you need to stay away. Carry a VAR. When dealing with the children, make sure you have somebody else around, as much as possible.
And friend.... you could toss a pillow into a crowd 10,000 times and 9,999 times you will find a better woman than this. I wouldn't chain my life to this person. Think it over.
Good luck to you.