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Newest Member: KMS60087

Just Found Out :
Found out Fiancee of 6 years was cheating one week before the wedding....

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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 12:05 AM on Sunday, October 24th, 2021

I totally agree with Thumos. She didn't die last year, probably never existed.

Maybe this wasn't her first cheating, but her first being caught. Or she would have cheated earlier if she had the opportunity.

To look at what ShutterHappy said from a different angle; I'm sure there have been happy times. But the difference of being cheated on from other painful events is that it creates suspicion over the past. Was everything a lie? The past might be well remembered if she had died, or if they had separated because of some later disagreement. But the suspicion caused by the lies also prevents the past from being remembered well.

posts: 620   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8694820
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 1:08 AM on Sunday, October 24th, 2021

I agree with what's written by others here. The person you are seeing right now is the real her. The person you thought you know was a façade, it's a mirage that she wanted to show to the world, particularly for you. The real her was hidden all throughout those years you were together. It's a good thing it showed before you were committed fully.

All the best!

posts: 403   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8694826
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 2:26 AM on Sunday, October 24th, 2021

Your story is covered on YT channel named Strong Successful Male.

posts: 620   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8694832
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 5:42 AM on Sunday, October 24th, 2021

Your story is covered on YT channel named Strong Successful Male.

Uh quick question how do I get him to stop and delete the video? I did not contact him, nor did he contact me. I also do not want my story to be shared like this. Thanks!

He's more than free to point people towards my post if he so wishes.

edit: oh he's reacting to my reddit post, in a pretty condescending manner imo. Also he was wrong in some of his assumptions.

edit2: comment section is some red pill shit. Yeesh.

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 6:21 AM, Sunday, October 24th]

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8694839
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 6:11 AM on Sunday, October 24th, 2021

I have found this:

Privacy reporting
Go to the watch page of the video you'd like to report.
Under the video, click the three dot Menu.
Click Report.
Select "Infringes my rights".
Select the relevant issue. If your issue isn't captured, select "Other legal claim".
Fill out the form and submit.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1483   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8694843
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 5:13 AM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

Established NC today. It was hard but I felt it was the right thing to do given the circumstances. Blocked her on everything. Guess the healing begins now.

Still can't believe just under 2 months ago I was happily engaged. Just feels surreal.

Edit: On that note, anyone have resources for moving on? Or is it just time and hitting the gym. I'll get started on the gym part.

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 5:17 AM, Monday, October 25th]

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8694939
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 9:12 AM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

No contact and time. Hitting the gym, walking, running are dood distractions. You’ll be fine and wiser too.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8694940
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 9:43 PM on Sunday, October 31st, 2021

Not sure if this still belongs here or if I should post in New Beginnings now, but are there ways to deal with... Those days? You know, when every ounce of your bones are in pain, when there's a personal black cloud over you, when you either miss them or hate them and you don't know what's what, when you try to hold it together but it's just really hard? Any strategies you guys employ to get through those days? Logically I'm saying to myself I need to move on and I need to go out, meet people, find hobbies, etc. But on those days it just feels not nearly enough :(

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8696018
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 10:00 PM on Sunday, October 31st, 2021

If I have some willpower I do exercise because the natural good feeling chemicals you get from exercising come in super handy during this time and if you push yourself enough, for me at least, I have a good night sleep which helps my brain dump the crap during the night so it feels like a new day the next day. I do recommend this because it’s not so much a quick fix but the benefits afterwards help so much.

If I can’t get motivated I read or watch YouTube to validate my choice of leaving my wayward. "Cheating in a nutshell" is my go to if I really need to drum home my choice was the right one or on YouTube there is a two part video from affair recovery called "talk to an expert" and it talks about what you’re going through and why the mind/body feels that way. Both centre me and allow me to have a cry, feel the anger and start fresh.

Playing games is great to detach because they’re time sinks and help you get your mind right off it, as is cooking a few days worth of meals to freeze so you don’t have to worry about cooking for a few days (I find looking up recipes, planning a shopping list, shopping, prepping then cooking are great to "feel normal" because it’s so time consuming and distracting). Binge watching an interesting show or reading an interesting book also is something I do to redirect focus off on the infidelity trauma.

As for where to post it’s entirely up to you, some members maintain their original thread and others start new ones, no rules on it, whatever you feel comfortable with.

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 265   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8696019
mad1

rambler ( member #43747) posted at 10:26 PM on Sunday, October 31st, 2021

Not sure where you live but they can be things like holiday pub crawls. Volunteer to some things too.

What are you interested in

making it through

posts: 1290   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8696027
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longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 10:51 PM on Sunday, October 31st, 2021

To begin help you get past the pain, a dose of reality. You say she says she had a PA, but no sex. So I guess there was some sort of oral in there. Yet, she has feelings for the guy. This says she is emotionally immature and not marriage material.

Second , if a friend told you, that means he or she talked about it to others. Which further reinforces the low level of maturity in these people.

Not someone you want to spend time with at all. Let alone be in a loving relationship.

posts: 1096   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8696030
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 11:39 PM on Sunday, October 31st, 2021

Not sure if this still belongs here or if I should post in New Beginnings now, but are there ways to deal with... Those days? You know, when every ounce of your bones are in pain, when there's a personal black cloud over you, when you either miss them or hate them and you don't know what's what, when you try to hold it together but it's just really hard? Any strategies you guys employ to get through those days? Logically I'm saying to myself I need to move on and I need to go out, meet people, find hobbies, etc. But on those days it just feels not nearly enough :(

It's going to take time. I know how insufficient that sounds, but the reality is that you had a whole life planned, and now it's gone. It's not so different than if your ex had died. If you were newly bereaved, no one would expect you to be all better by now, not even you would expect that. The grief over what you've lost will take its due, right? Of course, you'll want to maintain your good self-care, being sure to eat what you can, sleep when you can, hydrate, avoid alcohol, and get some light exercise. It's good to keep busy, as you know. But there will be times when you just have to feel your feelings, you know? Just remember that feelings aren't facts and they can't really hurt you. Try to allow them to come and then release them again when its time for them to go. They're kind of like house guests in that way. Allow them in and then let them leave. I just recommended a few things on another thread that I'll repost for you here, but there just aren't too many shortcuts.

There are a few other things you can try that aren't medication though. When you notice that trigger, try "Four Square Breathing". First responders use it to steady up in emergency situations. It will actually help lower blood pressure when it spikes. You can look it up online. It's basically just "In-two-three-four, Hold-two-three-four, Out-two-three-four, Hold-two-three-four".

Mindfulness and Mediation are also good. I am terrible at Mediation utilizing breathing techniques. I tend to get bogged down wondering if I'm doing it right. But one style that works better for me is Auditory Meditation, where you just stop, relax, and LISTEN. You identify as many sounds as you can hear and as far away as you can hear them. A more prolonged exercise would be Adult Coloring. You know, those coloring books you see for grown-ups. Basically, you just get out a package of colored pencils and go to town. Mandalas are the norm. There's one artist I like in particular that you can find online, Valentina Harper. I like that one because there are so many small parts. And yeah... I hear you. I know it sounds ridiculous. But it works. The mindless process of coloring with no more thought than what your next color is going to be CALMS THE AMYGDALA, not any differently really than a prolonged session of mediation would. I'm just not capable of meditating for long enough to get any calm out of it... but I can color all day.

I'm so sorry that jackass on youtube took your story like that for his own selfish, misogynist purposes. I'd tell you to see an attorney but I doubt it would do you any good since you haven't been identified. It's just a shame that there are insensitive douches like that out in the world. You're going to be okay though. Really, you will. It's just going to be slow going for awhile.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8696034
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 5:35 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Sorry for digging up this old thread of mine. Just want to present a bit of an update to those that helped me through this whole thing.

I took a self-imposed 1 month SI ban to give my mind a break.

So the good news is that I'm doing... Surprisingly better than I thought. I hit the gym most days. Did hard NC. Am trying to get out and do stuff (this parts hard being an introvert). Looking to start with IC next week or so (first couple sessions work funded, then we'll see). I get much less triggers than before (still have "those days" though). The thought of dating doesn't make me retch like it did before (in fact, I miss giving my love to someone and being close to someone). Even the therapist I spoke to said he was impressed at the progress I made (yes it's tooting my own horn, but I'll take any feel good moment rn).

The bad is that every day still sucks. I'm still waking up daily for no reason and have trouble going back to sleep after (a PTSD sign?). So I'm constantly tired. Social media is very triggering looking at how happy my peers are and comparing myself at rock bottom to their happiness. I constantly want to check on the ex-WF to see how she's doing (never did though, NC!). I'm recognizing signs of depression creeping up.

It's crazy how much I just miss being with someone, anyone. I can definitely see why rebound relationships are so tempting at this stage, and the fear of being alone can cause couples to stay in bad relationships.

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8702143
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 5:37 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Currently I'm addicted to reading the ICR BS question for WS thread. I think since I never got any closure from my ex-WF I'm craving any answers to all my questions. Gotta say it's not doing my mental health any good though :/ So maybe need to stop with that.

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8702144
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 5:42 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

A question for the BS out there that did D:

Do you have regrets for your decision? For me questioning whether or not I made the right choice came immediately after I hung up after our last conversation establishing NC. All the what ifs. What if she could truly be remorseful, what if I had the whole truth, what if I just attract cheaters, etc. I'm guessing this is normal after D/breakups and time will heal as well?

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 5:46 PM, Thursday, December 2nd]

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8702145
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 5:51 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Oldme, my only real regret was that I waited too long before filing for D. I went through a fairly long period of false R. XWW never really wanted to stay in the M and never did the work.

From what information you provided, I think you saved yourself more pain and misery. Your XWF wasn't really R worthy.

Don't beat yourself up. You had to protect yourself. You tried and gave her opportunities, she just never did anything with them.

posts: 1581   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8702149
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 6:37 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

I don't regret divorcing my cheating spouse. Among the people I know who were cheated on and divorced, they only regret not doing it sooner. I also know 2 people who found out their fiances were cheating before marriage but went through with their weddings anyway; both couples are now divorced because of cheating.

If you're second-guessing your decision, try reframing it another way. If Bernie Madoff was managing your investments and you lost all of your savings, would you give him more of your money to invest because Bernie said he was sorry and you're afraid a different banker might cheat you, too? Or would you tell him to piss off? If the latter, then you should value the years of your life just as much (if not more) as you value your savings.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:38 PM, Thursday, December 2nd]

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 603   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8702161
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 6:59 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

It's crazy how much I just miss being with someone, anyone. I can definitely see why rebound relationships are so tempting at this stage,

So true!

Do you have regrets for your decision?

Not at all. In time you'll find that you miss being with who you THOUGHT was them but in reality it wasn't them at all because they were living a double life. I walked away after doing everything I could to save the M. No regrets.

posts: 202   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8702167
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 7:08 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

I didn't want to get divorced because I was afraid of being alone and single parenting, among other reasons. I was even willing to suck it up and pretend I didn't notice he was cheating- that's how afraid I was.

I didn't get the choice- he walked out on us. Going on 7 years later, I am happy he did. Not everything in my life is good, but my love life is so very much better than it ever was with him, and I have much healthier relationships with people who are more compatible and have better relationship skills.

Sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees. We miss familiarity and what feels like security. But it's not safe or secure just because it feels that way. You have to mourn the loss of the future you thought you had before you can move forward and build the one you deserve.

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 3 years) & DBF (dating 2 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 745   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8702168
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 7:37 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Do you have regrets for your decision? For me questioning whether or not I made the right choice came immediately after I hung up after our last conversation establishing NC. All the what ifs. What if she could truly be remorseful, what if I had the whole truth, what if I just attract cheaters, etc. I'm guessing this is normal after D/breakups and time will heal as well?

No, but I spent six months in false R. By the time she had another "we need to talk" moment, I was fully done. At least the second time wasn't my birthday.

It sure does feel like the girl I wanted to marry died a year ago, and I just never got the chance to say goodbye. I guess will need to give it time to heal.

Would you expect someone whose spouse died to be healed in three months? Look up the bargaining phase of grief as see if that reminds you of your current mental state. 2-5 years is what we quote new BS as the time to heal. Give yourself some grace to grieve but keep moving forward.

posts: 886   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8702172
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