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Just Found Out :
Found out Fiancee of 6 years was cheating one week before the wedding....

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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 7:52 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

During the holidays I talked to someone who is a therapist. She’s a member of my extended family. She says almost all of this kind of behavior comes from childhood. We are supposed to be taught how to maintain good boundaries. A child is going to eat a cookie when no one‘s looking when they’re three years old. At 10 they might know better but still try to sneak it. By the time you’re 25 you’re supposed to know that’s not the right thing to do. Somewhere in your ex’s life no boundaries were put up. She could so easily have told the man that she was willing to be friends with him but that was all. Instead she let it evolve into an emotional affair and then a physical affair. That’s a person with very few boundaries and that’s not who you want to marry.

Since you’re having trouble sleeping you need to talk to a doctor. It’s something you can take for anxiety and depression. You don’t have to take it for the rest of your life but it can help you get through the next few months. Never let pride get in the way of looking after your health.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 7:53 PM, Thursday, December 2nd]

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3109   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8702176
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 7:55 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Don't worry bud, you're still new to this. I did Divorce my cheating ex, and my only regret was not pushing it faster. I wish I would have done it 3 months earlier.

Keep going

posts: 1230   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8702177
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 8:24 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

The bad is that every day still sucks.

I'm still waking up daily for no reason and have trouble going back to sleep after (a PTSD sign?). So I'm constantly tired.

I'm recognizing signs of depression creeping up.

All of these reasons right here are why I would strongly caution you against dating anyone right now, even 'casually'. These things are where your energy and attention need to go right now. Invest in YOU. Invest in your healing. By focusing on that right now, you are building yourself a solid foundation upon which to build your new life.

Imagine if you were in an accident and lost a leg. You know that an injury like that is a major trauma and that it would take time to adjust and learn how be 'normal' again. It would take you time to learn how to walk and run and function again. You know that eventually you will get back to a place where you could function normally again, but that it would likely take a long while to get there. So would you be beating yourself up if you weren't up and running in 6 weeks? No, of course you wouldn't.

Infidelity is the emotional equivalent of losing a limb. It is traumatic. And just like learning to walk again, it takes TIME to heal and to get there. So give yourself a break my man. Healing from this is HARD and it takes as long as it takes and you owe yourself the time to heal.

I constantly want to check on the ex-WF to see how she's doing (never did though, NC!).

Good job and keep it up. NC is your very best friend right now.

Do you have regrets for your decision?

I regret that I was ever forced into a position where I had to make the choice in the first place. But divorce? NAH - best decision I ever made for myself.

For me questioning whether or not I made the right choice came immediately after I hung up after our last conversation establishing NC. All the what ifs. What if she could truly be remorseful, what if I had the whole truth, what if I just attract cheaters, etc. I'm guessing this is normal after D/breakups and time will heal as well?

I get this - the what ifs were really hard early on. But something someone said during that time really helped me - changing who they are WITH does not change who they ARE. IOW, your xwf is still the same dysfunctional person she always was no matter who she's 'dating'. And it is not your responsibility to stick around for her to 'work on things'.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3294   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8702181
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 8:48 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

My ex-wife had an affair three years into our marriage. It was rug swept with the help of a terrible MC. I felt nothing for her since her affair. Six plus years later she cheated again and that was the end of the marriage. I felt liberated and never looked back after the initial two months of shock and hurt.

You are SO lucky you found out about her before the wedding. Try and be careful about who you pick for a partner next time. It is difficult. Avoid narcissistic, insecure women who constantly crave attention. Look for a high-quality woman who is secure in herself, honest, and caring. Look at her past history for clues. Even such a person might stray if placed under certain circumstances. As an example, look at Waitedwaytoolong's story. Thus be on guard and confront her if any red flags pop up. Basically, no close men friends, especially coworkers. Privacy should not be a concern. You both should be open books. Be loving and attentive. But, there are no guarantees. You can only establish the odds in your favor.

posts: 500   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8702184
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 8:52 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Duplicate

[This message edited by src9043 at 8:55 PM, Thursday, December 2nd]

posts: 500   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8702186
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 9:39 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Do you have regrets for your decision?

I wish I had done it after his second affair instead of his fourth. We moved 1000 miles from family to do a "fresh start" and he was "fresh-starting" with at least two other women. Fortunately for me, the state we moved to has some pretty pro-female statutes, so I did do better in the divorce than I would have from our home state. He is as difficult as they come (diagnosed narcissist) and spent the better part of one year withholding alimony while I was undergoing treatment for breast cancer. Yeah, no regrets.

For me questioning whether or not I made the right choice came immediately after I hung up after our last conversation establishing NC. All the what ifs. What if she could truly be remorseful, what if I had the whole truth, what if I just attract cheaters, etc. I'm guessing this is normal after D/breakups and time will heal as well?

I look at it this way--we always question "big" decisions. Did I buy the right car? Did I take the right job offer? Did I buy a good house that's going to hold its value? That's normal. Very normal. In relationships, it's easy to play the "woulda/coulda/shoulda" game. But given the situation with her defensiveness and inability to understand the magnitude of her actions and the depth of your hurt, you definitely did the right thing.

Cat

[This message edited by Catwoman at 9:44 PM, Thursday, December 2nd]

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 32986   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8702192
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 11:51 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Since you’re having trouble sleeping you need to talk to a doctor.

I'm taking melatonin it's not really helping. You think other meds can help? My problem isn't going to sleep, it's just that I wake up at 2-3am consistently for no reason (no nightmare, no cold sweat, no anxiety, etc), then it's hard to go back to sleep. This never happened before D-day so I just assume it's some trauma/PTSD stuff. Guess I can always sleep earlier.

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 11:52 PM, Thursday, December 2nd]

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8702208
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 11:59 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Avoid narcissistic, insecure women who constantly crave attention. Look for a high-quality woman who is secure in herself, honest, and caring. Look at her past history for clues.

I'll be sure to hit you up to screen my future dates xD

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8702210
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 12:27 AM on Friday, December 3rd, 2021

I wake up at 2-3am consistently for no reason (no nightmare, no cold sweat, no anxiety, etc), then it's hard to go back to sleep.

If you can't get back to sleep, then get up and get going on something. Laying in bed and ruminating are the worst.

One nice thing about our brains is really can only think about one thing at a time. It feels like we can multi-task, but really we can only rapidly switch. There are certain things we can do that are fully consuming of our attention. The biggest one I know of (for me) is rock climbing. For some reason, when I am on the rock, there is only the rock. Total focus. Flying is close. So our crossword puzzles.

The opposite is jogging/running. I can run 10 miles and not remember a step, my mind somewhere else the whole time.

Find that thing for you. The thing that consumes your attention, and do it. It will give you a break.

Sending strength!

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2801   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8702215
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Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 12:45 AM on Friday, December 3rd, 2021

Do you have regrets for your decision? For me questioning whether or not I made the right choice came immediately after I hung up after our last conversation establishing NC

I did for the first few months, after some time I realized that my regrets were more financially based than relationship. Once that took care of itself, I rarely think about it unless I'm perusing here.

posts: 120   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8702220
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:53 AM on Friday, December 3rd, 2021

I think you are doing really well OldMe for such a short time.

The sleep will return - it just takes time. It will happen one night and you will be surprised. Just give it time.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11155   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8702223
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 2:06 AM on Friday, December 3rd, 2021

I have never heard of anyone who decided to D, regretting their decision. I'm sure they are out there, but my experience tells me that they are rarer than hens teeth.i mean,really, if you choose to the a cheater back, what are you really getting? I mean, what's in it for you? You get to be stuck with someone who has betrayed, and presumably has vowed never to betray you again. But they vowed that to begin with, and we all know how that worked out. Sure, anyone can cheat, but but that is a possibility. The former wayward did cheat, so that's a certainty. It's like being an amputee. The limb doesn't just grow back and you get a fresh start. The wound is part of your history moving forward. So, while they get forgiveness, grace, and the hope of a future within spouse they can trust, because they have consistently demonstrated trustworthiness, we get none of that. What we get is a shit sandwich coupled with groundhog day. They get a stay of execution and we foot the bill.

So what do I get choosing D? My self respect, my hounour, and peace. Seems like a no brainer to me.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1181   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8702238
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Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 2:26 AM on Friday, December 3rd, 2021

Hi OldMe,

In addition of melatonin try some NyQuil. If that doesn’t work then CBD is great as well. Both are non habit forming. For CBD ask for Delta 8 gummies. Try half a gummy the first time that you use it.

You’ll get through this bud!

posts: 1748   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8702240
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redbaron007 ( member #50144) posted at 6:50 AM on Friday, December 3rd, 2021

A question for the BS out there that did D:

Do you have regrets for your decision? For me questioning whether or not I made the right choice came immediately after I hung up after our last conversation establishing NC. All the what ifs. What if she could truly be remorseful, what if I had the whole truth, what if I just attract cheaters, etc. I'm guessing this is normal after D/breakups and time will heal as well?

See my tagline - ZERO REGRETS. And it's simple why. My actions ALIGN PERFECTLY with my values. I have ZERO TOLERANCE for infidelity. Walking away from my marriage was hard, especially because my son was very young. But I had to, otherwise I would always be conscious of the fact that either I'm not self-aware, or that I don't have the moral fortitude to stand up for my core values. What's important is how I feel about my decision. I chose to forgive my xWW and we are amicable coparents but for me, infidelity was, is and will always be a dealbreaker and I acted accordingly.

The initial months will be difficult - I remember being alone, shell-shocked and gutted in my rental apartment after moving out of my spacious family home full of memories and toys lying around. I lost weight, did not sleep well, was distracted at work, was aloof from friends and relatives for a few months, but slowing opened up to others, and recovered. Recovery was in months(vs 2-5 year period for BS's who stay).

(Note: I'm simply expressing my opinion to OP on this forum. I don't care what others think about this. But a certain dimwit will inevitably barge in and post a ridiculous retort saying I'm doing a "disservice" to myself, to OP and to other readers by expressing my opinion. I will continue to ignore such dimwits.)

[This message edited by redbaron007 at 7:48 AM, Friday, December 3rd]

Me: BS (44)
She: WS (41)
One son (6)
DDay: May 2015 (OBS told me)
Divorced, Zero regrets, sound sleep, son doing great!
A FOG is just a weather phenomenon. An Affair Fog is a clever excuse invented by WS's to explain their continued bad behavior.

posts: 232   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2015   ·   location: West Coast
id 8702260
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:45 PM on Friday, December 3rd, 2021

You ask about why you’re waking up in anxiety and sweating. What has happened to you has basically given you a case of PTSD. It means your body is on alert 24 hours a day. This is a common reaction to being blindsided. If you’ve ever had a close call and you’ve been wound up it is because you’ve had adrenaline and cortisol and a couple of other things flood your brain. Your brain doesn’t know the difference in that state between being eaten by a lion or being cheated on. It just knows you’re in danger and it’s getting you ready to run away from the danger. It’s why you are hyper. You might need medication to calm you down and get rid of that anxiety so your brain can calm down. You don’t want this to become a habit and it can. I’ve gotten so I now think if you are going to divorce then you need to do it. If you want to try to reconcile you need to set up some situations that you’re comfortable with. You can’t let your anxiety control you because then it becomes depression and you can’t function that way.

Your doctor is probably very aware of this kind of issue because so many people have to have this kind of medication to help them process things. It’s a shame that human beings treat each other this way. Your wife is living in a fantasy world which has absolutely no basis in reality. If she’s not going to give it up then you have no choice as far as I’m concerned.

I just read an article about the amount of marriages that last when both parties have cheated. It’s something like a 85 to 90% of them fail. It just makes you wonder how somebody can become a teenager as a middle-age person but they do. Don’t wait this out. If you divorce and she wakes up at some point you can always marry again but your best bet is to plan on looking after yourself.

If you proceed with the divorce it might shock her back into reality. It does happen. 1stwife had a husband cheating and talking about divorce until she’d had enough and then when she put her foot down and said goodbye he woke up. They reconciled and they’re doing OK. You might want to read her history.

One thing you can be sure of is that they do not give up that other person that easily even if she says she has and she’s doing everything you want her to do you need to be cautious because that line is pretty strong between them if it’s been a year.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 3:49 PM, Friday, December 3rd]

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3109   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8702370
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 8:33 PM on Friday, December 3rd, 2021

OP, first of all, realize that your WF not only cheated on you--as bad enough as is. But even worse, she also planned on withholding that information from you **as you were about to make about the largest commitment of your life**. That would like something more like not only cheating on your partner but choosing to put them at additional risk for an STD while keeping them in the dark.

She came clean about the affair only when she was FORCED TO. How is this in any way shape or form a woman who is ready to love you honor you and cherish you.

You made the right decision.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:45 PM, Friday, December 3rd]

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8702462
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 8:39 PM on Friday, December 3rd, 2021

The above said, I think it is absolutely normal to look back. Spending six years with someone, there are a lot of "sunken costs" there which make it harder for us to cut our losses. I also think it is normal for everyone cheated on to blame themselves at least subconsciously even if that is responsibility incorrectly apportioned. This includes blaming ourselves for what we DID e.g., 'maybe I should have been more attentive', as well as who we ARE i.e., 'was I not man enough for her?'. Anyways those feelings are NORMAL. Society and even some therapists peddle this nonsense--the crazy 'unmet needs' fallacy that someone cheated because their needs were not being met by their primary relationship.

Keep posting here. You'll be alright.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 9:18 PM, Friday, December 3rd]

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8702464
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BeyondRage ( member #71328) posted at 11:42 PM on Friday, December 3rd, 2021

OldMe

Ask your doctor about these two medications

Trazadone
Hydroxyzine

They are both prescriptions that are stronger than Melatonin and designed for what you are describing. Your doctor will choose which one is best for you and how they interact with any other medications your are taking.

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

posts: 492   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8702498
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 12:23 AM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021

Thanks everyone about the advice on the sleeping. I got my first counseling session set for next week so I'm excited for that! Will see if that helps my sleep if not I'll go to the docs.

Yesterday I wrote to a friend "Ok I decided to commit to taking steps to be happy." Reading it again it sounded so dumb lol. But I feel the constant pull to just be sorry for myself so I wrote that to state outright my desire to be all in on working to be happy instead of being passive and depressed. Just a tidbit however stupid and silly I thought I'd share xD

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8702505
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 2:00 AM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021

Oldme:

Not silly at all. It makes immense sense to assert your intention to be happy. It’s affirming. It helps to say it. It helps to write it down in a journal or to a friend. Keep it up.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2948   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8702518
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