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Newest Member: KMS60087

Just Found Out :
Found out Fiancee of 6 years was cheating one week before the wedding....

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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 4:14 AM on Saturday, January 1st, 2022

@Sordid

Thank you so much for putting this into words. I feel like this is the next stage I am getting to. Will definitely refer back to your post a lot.

With this year finally closing I too am closing, hands down, the worst year of my life. I wish to thank all of you guys for helping me through it all. Thank you for providing your advice and support and for listening. Thank you for your perspectives and for your internet-hugs and strength. I am truly grateful for everyone who posted and provided your valuable 2 cents.

With a new year comes a new beginning! I am cautiously optimistic that 2022 will be better than 2021 (will be tough to best on the shittiness scale). Glass is looking about a third full right about now. For me, going to try to take all the SI sage advice and work my hardest. IC starts again next week. Going to try new things I've never done before and taking on new hobbies in January. Might even look to finally buy a house and have a place I can call home. My sleep is back to normal now so that's good. Am currently the healthiest I've physically been so want to keep that going too.

Will keep updating as things pop up.

Here's to a great 2022 everyone ^_^

posts: 75   路   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   路   location: Canada
id 8706865
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:20 PM on Saturday, January 1st, 2022

Love the positive outlook!!

It just takes time - you can鈥檛 rush the healing phase unfortunately.

And yes 2022 will be better!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11155   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8706877
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:03 PM on Saturday, January 1st, 2022

Huge 馃憤! Way to go.

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3109   路   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   路   location: US
id 8706896
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 10:08 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

I was reading ICR a lot (over 800 posts) lately trying to understand the WS mindset. One question I always wanted to answer was how could I not see anything coming until almost too late. Even after D-day I still couldn't visibly see my xWF lying to me, despite knowing the truth. I realized My xWF is an anxious avoidant person, who is good at compartmentalizing. That's how she is able to love me and love the AP as well (though I wouldn't classify either as true love). After D-day she had the new WS mindset of selfishness and self preservation. This was what I was seeing and why she felt like a stranger to me (I was expecting the loving girl I was going to marry). So she was in the fog or limerance. I must have not seen it coming because I was not able to pick up the warning signs such as withdraw from her (I thought we're going through a tough time like all relationships). She was never outright mean to me which made it harder for me to realize what was going on, which probably is because she is good at conpartmentalizing. So her being in the new WS mindset of selfishness means that she was in no stated to be married, and that it would have taken lots of time and pain and IC for her to.... Possibly change her ways into a remorseful WS. I know she lacks introspection skills, so this would have been an extra long and drawn out process, and with extra chances of R failing to launch due to her not willing to put in the work. So you guys were right she was no R material, not for a long time anyways. I'm afraid without me being there for her she may never have the strength to do what it takes to be a safe partner sad , but that's up to her now. For me I realized I was holding onto the good parts of the relationship, and reminiscing on who she was. But who she was at least for over a year was a compartmentalized illusion, possibly even longer. So my life and happiness during that time was also based on lies and weren't real. This is very sad to think about, but it helps me let go of the "relationship" we had. It wasn't real, so I need to myself find a love that IS real, and not escape into the fantasy to avoid the pain. I know you guys have been saying a lot of this already, but only now do I truly "get it". I feel lighter already knowing that. I'll be okay. I'll find my happiness...

posts: 75   路   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   路   location: Canada
id 8708927
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 10:11 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

Also one thing I'm coming to grasp with recently is that there truly is no karma or justice in this world. I've been a good person all my life, faithful, trying to help others and do good. But this is my reward. So where is the karma in all this trauma and pain? I can't find any. So just gotta accept reality for what it is. I think acceptance here will help with me constantly comparing my life to others and feeling bad for myself.

posts: 75   路   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   路   location: Canada
id 8708928
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 10:35 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

I think you're making a lot of sense in your last two posts.

She was never outright mean to me which made it harder for me to realize what was going on, which probably is because she is good at conpartmentalizing.

One other reason for this ^, she wasn't done with you yet. No, no, no she wasn't. She had a big role for you in her life - the cuckold husband.

posts: 405   路   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   路   location: Canada
id 8708935
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Riverz ( member #79713) posted at 10:35 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

But who she was at least for over a year was a compartmentalized illusion, possibly even longer. So my life and happiness during that time was also based on lies and weren't real.

OMWM鈥ow鈥HIS really spoke to me. Thanks so much for sharing this gold nugget. My partner鈥檚 alleged "love" and "care" for me was an illusion because he wasn鈥檛 "all in"鈥 was just one of his compartments鈥aybe thinking on this will help me to detach from him, which is proving to be absolutely agonizing.

Also one thing I'm coming to grasp with recently is that there truly is no karma or justice in this world. I've been a good person all my life, faithful, trying to help others and do good. But this is my reward. So where is the karma in all this trauma and pain? I can't find any. So just gotta accept reality for what it is. I think acceptance here will help with me constantly comparing my life to others and feeling bad for myself.

My friend, I feel the EXACT SAME WAY.
There IS NO justice in the world. We are just good people who get continually effed over with no real reason. Hopefully, our day will come for true happiness (when we鈥檙e finally healed from this horrific shitstorm)鈥ither with or without a partner鈥.personally, I hope I鈥檒l find my true soulmate one day鈥OMEONE WHO WILL KEEP HIS PROMISES AND NOT CHEAT AND LIE. (That鈥檚 IF I can ever trust again). :(

posts: 98   路   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   路   location: Canada
id 8708936
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 10:55 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

We each have our own metaphysical beliefs. I for one don't think there is any mysterious force impacting our lives. The universe is simply indifferent. Some people find that terrifying. I find it quite comforting.

Comparison is the source of much unhappiness.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1648   路   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8708940
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RangerS ( new member #79516) posted at 11:13 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

Oldme, great insight. I don't really believe Karma is real, but you could think of it this way. You are a good person and would have been a great partner. Now you are much wiser and you understand people and relationships better than before. You have high value as a partner. She is clearly broken. Even if she finds someone else of your quality, she will probably blow it up sooner or later. If her next partner is lower quality, she will be unhappy no matter what. Her prospects for finding long term happiness is much lower than yours is. Your future is brighter now, than it was when you were with her. She is on the opposite end of this scale. I could think of this as karma.

posts: 10   路   registered: Oct. 25th, 2021
id 8708949
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:50 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Karma might come in the form of this; your ExWW gets into a serious relationship, potentially leading to engagement or marriage. There鈥檚 a good chance that your EX did not disclose the true reason why she became divorced.

There鈥檚 a good chance that her new partner will eventually find out about her A and subsequent divorce - whether it鈥檚 by happenstance, from you, or by someone/something else. The new partner may not care. But, on the other hand they certainly may.

posts: 210   路   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8708969
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:52 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Correction - meant to say called off engagement

posts: 210   路   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8708971
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Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 2:32 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

I disagree with the concept of karma. We wake up every day and can only control the things that we can control. Worrying about karma with infidelity, an asshole at work or someone who cut you off in traffic is useless.

Cheaters however can never be happy. They cannot be happy because they judge their happiness on external validation. External validation always, always fails.

posts: 1748   路   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8708984
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straightup ( new member #78778) posted at 9:32 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Perhaps not Karma in the Hindu/Buddhist sense (but I鈥檓 no authority). I have, however, seen a few people from my parent鈥檚 generation, in their twilight years, realize that all was not forgiven, consensus did not conform to their will, and the people they were trying to snow had just moved on.

I have also encountered the opposite, where you reflect on people who did things well, at the right time, pretty consistently, to the best of their ability. Those people grow in memory.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 40   路   registered: May. 11th, 2021   路   location: Australia
id 8709013
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Linus ( member #79614) posted at 11:43 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

I realized that justice or fairness is just not going to happen. Took me a while to accept this but now I am fine with it.

posts: 146   路   registered: Nov. 21st, 2021   路   location: Connecticut
id 8709018
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:38 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Karma comes in ways you sometimes can鈥檛 see. Your exes are damaged souls. They might live on euphoria but never contentment. Euphoria is short lived so they continue to chase some nebulous thing. The best way to live your life is to put them completely in your rear view mirror. At some point you can鈥檛 see them anymore.

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3109   路   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   路   location: US
id 8709022
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:21 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

When you have truly healed you no longer care about karma or justice. At least that is how I am.

The OW was single when the affair occurred. She鈥檚 now married. Maybe one day after 25 years her H will come home and tell her he鈥檚 having an affair and he鈥檚 leaning her with the kids and mortgage etc. it would be fitting lol.

I鈥檝e seen people receive their just desserts do to speak. I often talk here about my friend who married a serial cheater. He had a fianc茅e and OC and two APs etc. my friend D him. His life remained the same / he married the fianc茅e who was young and dumb. They had a baby. He cheated on her. They D. Rinse lather and repeat.

My energy is better focused on ither things. Though I love to hear a good karma story now and then laugh

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11155   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8709026
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 10:52 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

@SnowToArmPits
Well she should have asked me cause the answer was really an easy "no". Would have lasted a second not a year...


@Riverz
I'm glad you too felt the same. That was my "aha" moment that prompted me to post my recent thoughts. We spend so much time griefing over what we thought we had lost, when the reality is that we never lost those moments, they weren't real to begin with, only our own contribution was real. So why grief over something that was false? Why feel sad to lose something that was never ours to begin with (recent happiness based on their lies)? That was a major hurdle I felt I cleared to push me to let go of the grief and move into acceptance. I hope you're able to do similar.

@This0is0Fine

Comparison is the source of much unhappiness.


This is something I know is true but is sooooo hard for me to internalize. I've always been competitive (FOO I guess) so It's really easy to default to comparison, which I agree leads to pain more often than not. Any tips you guys have to overcome this?

Re: karma:
I was ranting when I posted that addendum. I honestly still wish the xWF can make the change and find happiness, as part of me still cares for her. It's just great injustice for us BS to pay for the crimes we did not commit. Alas fixating on it won't help us heal so that's another part of letting go and acceptance I guess.

posts: 75   路   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   路   location: Canada
id 8709168
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 12:24 AM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

This is something I know is true but is sooooo hard for me to internalize. I've always been competitive (FOO I guess) so It's really easy to default to comparison, which I agree leads to pain more often than not. Any tips you guys have to overcome this?

I don't use social media (e.g. facebook) and these sorts of things. I gave that up well before the A.

You should be able to decide whether you are happy or satisfied with almost anything without comparison. You don't have to compare food to decide if you like it or not. You can choose to compare it, of course, but it's pretty rare that comparing meals (especially to memorable meals) is increase your enjoyment of that particular meal, or give you a better idea of what it is you do or don't like about it. Instead, just focus on the experience you are having at the present.

Then, using your built in senses, decide if you want that experience or not. If you do, continue, if you do not, stop.

Sometimes "current state" isn't quite good enough, so comparison might help (typically if you are already not particularly happy). You can compare to your own past. Have you made progress? Then keep making progress. Are you stuck? Maybe try something else.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1648   路   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8709190
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