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Newest Member: KMS60087

Just Found Out :
Found out Fiancee of 6 years was cheating one week before the wedding....

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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:57 AM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

OldMe - I’m sorry you had to suffer this trauma. Six years is a long time to have a relationship suddenly end die to infidelity.

What are you doing now to move forward? It will take time to heal. This doesn’t happen overnight unfortunately.

My only suggestion is to have no further contact with the cheater. It only prolongs the pain. And delays the inevitable - the closing of the door on the relationship.

You will heal. We all do. It’s just dealing with the pain and devastation right now that is front and center. It does get easier.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11155   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8693789
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:06 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

No… the fact you aren’t married or the length of the relationship is not the defining factor for me. If this had been a one-off drunken thing and she told you about it herself I would consider giving this a chance. Or maybe a fledgling EA or whatever. Or maybe if this had been in your first year and since then nothing. But this is just so much more… there is intent, planning, secrecy…

I think you also need to realize the immense step marriage really is. This might vary state-by-state and country-by-country but basically the second your marriage is official its not so much you and she, but just you two. You becomes YOU two. All of a sudden it’s no longer your house but YOUR house, your debt bur YOUR debt, your pension but YOUR pension, your wages but YOUR wages. Goes both ways though – her assets become YOUR assets and so on. She also becomes the one that signs off on the life-support if you fall into a coma, inherits you if you die, becomes the beneficiary of policies…
I think in our present society we tend to either minimize marriage and it’s faults and benefits or focus on the romantic aspect.

OK – What would reconciliation require? Well… Truth. Commitment. Total acknowledgement of blame and accountability. A dedication to rebuilding a relationship that can avoid whatever led her to where she went.
You two would need 1-2 years of IC to deal with the why and the trauma. You would need 1-2 years of couple’s therapy. No guarantee this IC and MC will get you closer together. In fact it’s just as likely to help you realize your incompatibility.
For that period marriage with its legal consequences would be a terrible idea. As would making joint purchases or major purchases such as a house or vehicles. Major decisions such as relocating for work, having children…
That’s 2 years where the money for your marriage, honeymoon, first home, first child… is going to counseling.
This requires commitment… for a long time… and it only goes as fast as the slower of you two. You can do all the work and be prepared for the next step only for her to decide its not worth it, that the OM is really the White Knight or whatever.

What can happen if you skip this step of IC and MC? Well… see how many of us have stated that someone that cheats once is more likely to cheat again? It’s because they haven’t done this work. This change.

What would separation require? There is a theory that is widely accepted that it takes the average person 2 years to recover from a major trauma. This isn’t a golden irrefutable rule, but some sort of general rule – an average for the average Joe. I can share that for the first six months after d-day I had a hard time simply existing. Then I felt a little better, then a little better and then one day I realized I would be fine. It took me about 12 months to reach that stage. Not recovered – not "over it" – but more like I accepted it and was 100% certain it was the correct decision.

Plus separation is totally in YOUR control. The time it takes you to move through the steps of grief and recovery is in your hands. It can’t really be rushed, but you can ensure you don’t delay in one stage.

----
So now I see you are committed to ending this. I am totally fine with that. Just take care to realize its hard.
Be around friends. Get plenty of exercise and fresh air. Stay away from alcohol or any depressants. Try to be aware of your emotions and don’t allow yourself to wallow in misery. Be aware that its normal and OK to feel miserable but try as you can to keep it at a manageable level.

Remove as much drama as possible.
Get the division of who owns what over ASAP. Don’t argue over the 6 person IKEA table-set or the chipped coffee-cups or whatever. Don’t argue that since you paid the utilities then you should really get the old TV she brought into the relationship. Just get this over and her out of your life.

Don’t fall into the trap that you need to hate her.
Don’t fall into the trap that you need to be all adult and remain friends.
Your goal is to feel indifferent to her.

Don’t expect friends to take sides. Some were and will be her friends, some yours, some will simply disappear.
Don’t feel a need to justify your reasons to anyone and everyone.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10172   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8693790
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 1:25 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

I'm sorry, oldme. As shitty as it is I think it's for the best. Take time to heal. Get some IC if you can. An IC trained and experienced with trauma. One step in front of another. Look for the good things in your life. My very best wishes. Stick around. Many of us here have had to severe what we thought was the most important relationship in our lives.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4691   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8693799
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 4:50 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

It's done. We broke up. 6 years now... in the past.

Good decision, she's no M material, you were supposed to be in the so called "honeymoon phase" and she was already cheating on you and admitted to having feelings for OM days before the wedding, so really nothing to work with here, IMHO you made the only logical choice in your situation.

Just curious and not that it matters much but if you care to share, what was her demeanor when you told her the relationship was over? or was it mutually agreed upon based on the situation ?, the "We broke up" instead of "I broke up with her" sounds like it was a mutual agreement and that perhaps she also realized that because of her huge betrayal and feelings for OM, that it was best for both of you not to try R.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 4:51 PM, Monday, October 18th]

posts: 2499   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8693823
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 5:11 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

I haven’t read all the comments, but you made the right decision.

R is extremely difficult. I honestly think leaving is the quickest way to heal from the trauma of betrayal. However, some of us have a lot more invested in the relationship, and the decision to stay or go isn’t quite so cut and dry. Even with a remorseful partner, it takes YEARS to even begin healing the relationship. There really does need to be an anchor outside of "love" to hold on to through the shit storm of R. At least in my opinion.

32 is young! I’m 32 as well so I felt called out. 😂 Especially being a man with no kids, and no ex wife, you will have a ton of quality women interested in you. No fears there, but I do suggest taking adequate enough time to heal before pursuing anything. For both your sake, and the potential women’s. Ladies shouldn’t be used so you can feel better about yourself. (Not saying you would but it happens all too often)

A good IC would be beneficial. I’m sorry you are here, and for what was done to you. Wishing you the best in your next chapter!

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 752   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8693828
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 10:27 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

Just curious and not that it matters much but if you care to share, what was her demeanor when you told her the relationship was over? or was it mutually agreed upon based on the situation ?, the "We broke up" instead of "I broke up with her" sounds like it was a mutual agreement and that perhaps she also realized that because of her huge betrayal and feelings for OM, that it was best for both of you not to try R.

When we spoke I explained what I need from her. We both understand that she needs to make the changes for herself, and that I can't force her to change. She said she's really confused right now and not sure if she can make such drastic changes so quickly. I told her I understood that change is hard but we shouldn't be in limbo for unknown amount of time. So it was best to break up and she can take all the time to change for herself without pressure and I could move on from the pain and betrayal. If she doesn't change there is no R, and if there's no R then it's better to break up now vs. be in limbo for months, possibly years and be miserable for the both of us. It would seem like she has also thought about this outcome, because it was very melancholic. However it needed to come from me.

From this experience one thing I realized is how fragile and short life is. Honestly the life you spent so much time and effort building up can evaporate in an instant. Life is too short and too precious...

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8694236
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 10:32 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

She said she's really confused right now and not sure if she can make such drastic changes so quickly.

And that is not a woman who is any shape or form reconciliation material. Next. Moving on.

You're young and have a bright future ahead. Meanwhile she is now staring into the abyss of her own emptiness.

It may not feel like it right now, but don't lose sight of the fact that you're a young man with a long life ahead of you.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4527   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8694239
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 12:08 AM on Thursday, October 21st, 2021

She said she's really confused right now and not sure if she can make such drastic changes so quickly.

Translation: "I'm not sure I can give up AP, I can't guarantee I will be faithful and honest with you, not to mention all that stuff you want from me and expect from me, I really can't commit to anything"

Again, you did the right thing, don't take her back even if she comes back a few weeks/months from now saying "she made a huge mistake", she's a proven cheater and liar who betrayed you in the worst possible way during what was supposed to be the "honeymoon phase" and the height of your relationship with no kids, mortgages, loans, bills of all kinds and all the responsibilities that come with a M. You really dodged a bullet, and the money you lost cancelling all those wedding reservations is "peanuts" compared to a D with finances and children involved.

posts: 2499   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8694259
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smolderingdark ( member #64064) posted at 10:09 AM on Thursday, October 21st, 2021

She said she's really confused right now and not sure if she can make such drastic changes so quickly.


She is not confused. She attempting to keep her options open. She does not want you to move on.

People make drastic changes quickly every day. Either they don't have a choice or they change because they are motivated to. If she cared for you as deeply as you cared for her she would not have betrayed you in the first place. If she cared at all for you and was sincere, she would have pounced on your offer to reconcile and change for the better.

She doesn't want to change. Her words are empty. Her actions or inaction at this moment should tell you all you need to know.

Would suggest you block all means of communication going forward. Nothing good will come out of further interaction with her. You could say a final good bye but she would do her best to keep you off balance to prevent your departure. You have told her how you feel and shown you were willing to give her another chance. Her answer to this is that she is confused. You are wasting your time with her.

posts: 142   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2018
id 8694298
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:46 PM on Thursday, October 21st, 2021

People make drastic changes quickly every day. Either they don't have a choice or they change because they are motivated to. If she cared for you as deeply as you cared for her she would not have betrayed you in the first place. If she cared at all for you and was sincere, she would have pounced on your offer to reconcile and change for the better.

This. R takes two people that are both motivated to succeed and even than it's not a sure thing. The fact that she's not means she's not and will never be a good candidate for R with you. oldmewasmurdered make sure you're not holding out any hope of getting back together once she "fixes" herself. That'll only hold you back.

posts: 886   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8694325
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 3:06 PM on Thursday, October 21st, 2021

I agree with the others. And go and keep No Contact. But one thing that needs to be talked about here more, IMO, is how you need to take some time to grieve. You just saw your world blow up on you OP. I do wonder how yet another post saying how immature/stupid/selfish your ex-F is (and she is), is going to do good. And you absolutely dodged a bullet--be thankful you didn't marry her! But, you probably feel anything but lucky right now.

IME, you will have to work through the following:

1. Sadness for what is no longer there. You loved your ex wholeheartedly and saw her as your person, and no doubt you and your ex had some good times.

2. Anger and rage at the unfairness of it all. Your ex cheated on you and she had every intention of keeping that secret from you through your wedding. That is certainly reason enough for the rage. The one person you trusted to have your back, betrayed you for someone else and made you feel "less than". And yet, there is even more. Well, she sure seems to be getting off with little consequences. She absolutely destroyed you and yet she gets to make the decision to walk away from you and move on with her life, as if you're just a vehicle she totaled in an accident. This, after all her tears and pledging about about how she would do anything to make this up to you. You will likely never find out why she did what she did as well.

3. Loneliness. You're single again after a long time. Getting back into dating may feel daunting.

4. Trust, when you do decide to get serious with someone else again. That is a huge one.

I hope you are seeing an IC, AND I also hope you keep posting here my friend.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:28 PM, Thursday, October 21st]

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8694336
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annanew ( member #43693) posted at 6:00 PM on Thursday, October 21st, 2021

I advise no contact with her. If you cut contact, you will start to feel better, sooner.

It's hard to do, and I admit when my marriage ended I declared no contact as a sort of FU. I told him I'd be blocking him and filtering his email, and I did exactly that. I knew it would hurt him. But I found it to be the most freeing thing. I didn't have to worry about a message sending me reeling, and with the certainty of no contact, other things started to occupy my headspace. This was healthy, even if the initial impulse was misguided.

I remember the relief being instant. I might be misremembering, it was over a decade ago. Not to say I got over it, hell I'm here checking in this many years later. I had many after-effects of trauma to deal with. But I was no longer being re-traumatized on a daily basis. It was in the past.

Single mom to a sweet girl.

posts: 2452   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 8694369
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 10:02 PM on Thursday, October 21st, 2021

She wants life on her terms. You don’t matter all that much.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8694410
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 10:23 PM on Thursday, October 21st, 2021

Don’t make yourself available to her in any way. As others have suggest block her from all communication methods. There is nothing left to discuss.

She has fired you as her future life partner. Don't continue to play the role in any way.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3265   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8694418
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 3:05 AM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

She said she's really confused right now and not sure if she can make such drastic changes so quickly.

The fact that she cheated on her fiance whom she had been with for 5 years, as soon as he got away shows that she doesn't have much problem with making quick drastic changes.

If she wants, of course!

Or was cheating not a drastic change for her?

I don't know which is worse.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 9:10 PM, October 21st (Thursday)]

posts: 620   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8694453
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MyShovel ( new member #74975) posted at 4:34 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

Welcome to the club, Oldme. Sorry you are here, but you came to the right place. Stick around, even if you just become a lurker. The collective here has seen every form of cheating under the sun, and that experience can help guide you through this shitshow. It is a long, painful slog.

It may seem that some think you are lucky, finding out before marriage. The phrase "somewhat fortunate" is probably more accurate, but only in the logistical sense. I am you, right down to the betrayal during a long-distance engagement. The difference is that those in the know did not see fit to tell me, and I found out 27yrs later. Decades of marriage, 3 children, financial entanglements - ouch. I do not think you are lucky, though. Each of us must deal with the pain of our betrayal, and that pain cannot really be compared to anyone else's in a way that will lessen our own.

I agree with most that she will be back, whether that is to plead for a 2nd chance, ask to "remain friends", request help with some mundane life tasks, etc. As others have noted, those will be for her benefit - not yours. One of the hardest things for me was the realization that the girl I fell in love with all those years ago likely never existed. An illusion based on what she wanted me to see and what my own mind wanted her to be? Perhaps, or maybe people just change - sometimes for the worse. Either way, you must remain strong and deal with the reality before you.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: New York
id 8694621
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 3:55 PM on Saturday, October 23rd, 2021

I am you, right down to the betrayal during a long-distance engagement. The difference is that those in the know did not see fit to tell me, and I found out 27yrs later. Decades of marriage, 3 children, financial entanglements - ouch.

I'm sorry to hear about you finding out so late. Logically I agree finding out before wedding is better than after. I hope you're in a good spot now, whether you did R or D.

It sure does feel like the girl I wanted to marry died a year ago, and I just never got the chance to say goodbye. I guess will need to give it time to heal.

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8694774
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 4:04 PM on Saturday, October 23rd, 2021

If she cared for you as deeply as you cared for her she would not have betrayed you in the first place. If she cared at all for you and was sincere, she would have pounced on your offer to reconcile and change for the better.

She doesn't want to change. Her words are empty. Her actions or inaction at this moment should tell you all you need to know.

Would suggest you block all means of communication going forward. Nothing good will come out of further interaction with her.

I hate it but logically you have a point. It's going to be painful but I know I will need to do no contact. I care about her too much to detach in any other way. Better to rip the bandaid off at once while the pain is still fresh I guess.

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8694775
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 5:06 PM on Saturday, October 23rd, 2021

It sure does feel like the girl I wanted to marry died a year ago, and I just never got the chance to say goodbye. I guess will need to give it time to heal.

I think this is the right way to view it. Unfortunately, the woman you thought you knew was an illusion. The real woman, the person she really is, that is who you are seeing right now -- and everything you now know about her. Take some time to grieve, but also help your brain understand (yes, you can talk to your own brain, I know weird, right? But it does work) that the woman you are grieving probably never existed. Going no contact will help your brain and body adjust to the reality.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4527   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8694778
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 11:41 PM on Saturday, October 23rd, 2021

It's done. We broke up. 6 years now... in the past.

Many Betrayed post something similar when the relationship ends due to infidelity. As time goes by and the pain subsides, and you are in a better place, I suggest you rethink this. Some of those years were good years. You had happiness, this this the reality. Would you go back to her? No. Was that 6 years a complete waste? No. We can’t expect to have a perfect life like in the movies. "You meet the perfect mate marry him/her and live happily ever after until the age of 103.". Not really.

You had a few years of happiness, it ended horribly and you will eventually fill your life with other happy moment.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1483   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8694815
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