Newest Member: Butterfly19

Just Found Out :
Found out Fiancee of 6 years was cheating one week before the wedding....

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DobleTraicion ( new member #78414) posted at 12:56 AM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Long time reader, first time poster. I lived this. My fiance cheated on me with my supposed best friend. They were caught by another friend of mine. I cut my former best friend out of my life and called it off with my fiance. However, I gave in months later to her love bombing, reconciled with her and married her. Long story short, I followed my heart and not my head and it cost me a decade of misery.

You have been given great direction from the other posters here. My advice? Stay broken up. Don't let the fear of loss keep you from the doing the best thing, the healthiest thing in the long run, for you.

"For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind"

posts: 1   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8693065
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster new member #79473) posted at 1:05 AM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

I found your OP on reddit and there was one BIG thing mentioned there that you did not have in here. You state that your ex-F and friend admitted to sleeping together (I assume they mean in the same bed) but were both adamant about not having sex.

Yes you found me xD I tried to not go into too much detail so left out a lot, post was already getting too long.
SI does not allow for links in the original post else I would have linked it.

One thing I'm curious about, though. The friend that told you, how did they find out?

The OM told my friend. I know the OM so I contacted him before confronting my WF.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8693068
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eehamlet ( member #72874) posted at 5:40 AM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

You're going to be fine. As you can tell from every single response here and probably on reddit too breaking up with her was by far and away the smartest thing you could have done.

You have no need to second guess things. Just go on and start over. I've read that somewhere around 25% of people are cheaters. That's an astoundingly high number to me but even if it is true it means that 3/4 of women will be faithful.

Know also that people who cheat tend to be very good at deception and lying. You would not have known had your friend not told you. As a good man you saw the best in your WF. You trusted her. That wasn't wrong, it wasn't stupid. You were the victim.

As it is, every though you don't realize it completely yet you are an incredibly lucky man. Her behavior wasn't going to stop and the longer you were with her the more hurt was coming your way. You can read the stories here of others that didn't find out until after they married a cheater. Be thankful.

Stay healthy, stay active and take your time before getting into another relationship. It will all come.

Good luck!

posts: 91   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Seattle, WA
id 8693088
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Smillie ( member #51537) posted at 11:05 AM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

You have dodged a bullet. She is not that into you and you would be unhappy with that in the future. Bite the bullet, dump her, go no contact and never look back.

posts: 472   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2016   ·   location: Scotland
id 8693099
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FlowerPower ( member #52231) posted at 4:25 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Read, Read and Read again the words of

Thumos & DobleTraicion.

They are exactly right!!!

Good Luck to you! I know this is hard, but at 32 you will have plenty of opportunities ahead. I'm betting there were some single ladies invited to your wedding that were secretly excited to learn you called it off! You've been out of the market from ages 26 to 32. I think you will be pleasantly surprised by your prospects. Don't settle for less than you deserve!

posts: 86   ·   registered: Mar. 13th, 2016
id 8693122
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 6:46 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Hey OMWM

There are some similarities in our stories. You can read mine in my profile but the condensed version is that we were discussing seating arrangements for our wedding that was scheduled four weeks later at about 9 PM and I walked in on her with another man in bed at 1 AM. This after 5 years of dating and a 3 year engagement.
In my instance I decided there and then to end the relationship. For me – at that time – in those conditions – that was the most sensible and inevitably the best solution for me.

I can tell you one thing right off: I sometimes shake my head when posters (with the BEST of intentions) tell you not to worry because you can always find someone else. I got told that a lot and it didn’t do any good. Doubt anyone would comfort a new widower by telling him his deceased wife can be replaced. IMHO finding someone else is not the issue. The issue is finding the RIGHT person rather than A person. Right now I am fairly certain your ex-fiancé is NOT the right person and that realizing that NOW is immensely better than realizing that a mortgage, car-loans and a child later.

Just like that widower then take your time to grieve what you lost. Give yourself time to be miserable, only take care to always understand misery is only some dirt-track you have to cover rather than somewhere you want to get stuck in.

I can tell you that IMHO you are better off sticking to terminating this relationship.
Not necessarily because she cheated. Relationships can recover from infidelity, and in many situations it can make sense to enter that immensely hard and difficult work. But the investment needs more IMHO than "love" or "she’s special". It needs more pragmatic factors like long-term involvement, legal implications, children, pension etc before being worth investing in.

Research strongly indicates that someone that has cheated once is more likely to cheat again. Comparable results have been found in other research where someone that has done something generally seen as wrong is more likely to repeat wrong behavior: Someone that has driven while drunk is more likely to do it again that someone that has never driven drunk, someone that has shop-lifted before is more likely to do it again than someone to begin doing it. This is possibly because the person hasn’t really dealt with the why’s and taken action to change their behaviors.

That is a KEY factor: Change behavior. That is something people generally need a very strong reason to do on a permanent level. You too would need to change your behavior.
Infidelity impacts people. Thumos mentions something he calls "reconcilish" but could equally be called "divorshish". It’s where the relationship is based on something other than what one would normally associate with a healthy marriage. You don’t have trust, don’t have believe, aren’t working at the same goals… For some reason one or both partners aren’t willing to commit to a REAL marriage or a REAL termination of the marriage. To me that would be the absolute worst outcome.

I’m not so much going to tell you what to do as just share what I did.
I broke off all contact. I left our apartment and never entered it again. My bro got my stuff (forgot my 80’s LP´s). I guess we talked 2-3 times where she begged for a second chance. Her parents tried to talk to me. Some of our/her friends. I was determined. I guess the main reason was the utterly sensible question: If she does it NOW when we are all in luuvve and all that, what about 10 years from now?
It was HARD. I took conscious and determined action to ease or deal with pain: Exercise, work, medication for sleep, activities… With time things got better. About 6 months in I woke up one morning and had to think why I felt miserable. About 2 months later I realized I wasn’t really feeling so bad. About a year after d-day I was… fine. Not good, but fine.

It's been a very long time since this happened. I’m happily married, successful in my field and have a very good life. Kids that love me and grandkids that think I’m the best.
She? I don’t really know… Met her dad about 10 years ago and he told me she went on to have a dreary miserable life. I honestly didn’t feel anything hearing that, except maybe sorry for her. People make "mistakes" (although infidelity isn’t a mistake per se) but IMHO everyone deserves the chance of redemption and change. Only it doesn’t have to be at my (or your) cost.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9900   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8693156
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smolderingdark ( member #64064) posted at 10:04 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

She is obviously hurt, and she is very hurt by me not trusting her. However all her actions seem very.... self defensive? When I asked to read through her messages with the OM she said she felt violated. She said things like she wants to do what it takes, but if I can't trust her then I can't trust her so what's the point. She made a mistake and she's wrong but she doesn't know if she can pay for it the rest of her life. Who is this person I'm talking to?

She is very hurt because you no longer trust her. Was she expecting you to celebrate her behavior? She assumed she could convince/manipulate you to forgive and forget. Wrong.

She felt violated when you asked to read through the messages. I'm sure. Actually she would prefer you not to learn the true depth of her depravity and betrayal. See who she really is.

She made a mistake. Forgetting to buy milk on the way home or locking your keys in the car are mistakes. She made many choices and told you many lies to do what she wanted to do with the OM. There was no mistake.

She doesn't know if she can pay for it for the rest of her life. She can't. She will also betray you again if given the opportunity.

Who is this person I'm talking to? Likely she is a covert narcissist. The woman you fell in love with was nothing more than an act, a persona crafted to lure you into a commitment. The woman you do not recognize, the one that betrayed you is the real her. Always has been.

If you haven't done so already block all avenues of communication with her and ignore whatever gets through. There is nothing to reconcile. She is broken. She will not change for the better. Any consideration or time you give her she will attempt to manipulate you back into a commitment.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 10:05 PM, Thursday, October 14th]

posts: 136   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2018
id 8693202
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster new member #79473) posted at 4:29 AM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

Long time reader, first time poster. I lived this. My fiance cheated on me with my supposed best friend. They were caught by another friend of mine. I cut my former best friend out of my life and called it off with my fiance. However, I gave in months later to her love bombing, reconciled with her and married her. Long story short, I followed my heart and not my head and it cost me a decade of misery.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are much appreciated. So sorry to hear about the results. Hope you're in a better place now :)

posts: 11   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8693566
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:38 AM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

Sadly typical cheater mentality is that the betrayed spouse is supposed to believe the affair "didn’t mean anything".

Is that supposed to make the betrayed feel better?

The only positive is that OMWM found out before the wedding.

I feel badly for you - I think this is just horrific. But you will survive this. We all do.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10686   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8693567
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster new member #79473) posted at 4:41 AM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

I can tell you one thing right off: I sometimes shake my head when posters (with the BEST of intentions) tell you not to worry because you can always find someone else. I got told that a lot and it didn’t do any good. Doubt anyone would comfort a new widower by telling him his deceased wife can be replaced. IMHO finding someone else is not the issue. The issue is finding the RIGHT person rather than A person. Right now I am fairly certain your ex-fiancé is NOT the right person and that realizing that NOW is immensely better than realizing that a mortgage, car-loans and a child later.

Thank you for articulating something I've been feeling but am unable to put into words.

Not necessarily because she cheated. Relationships can recover from infidelity, and in many situations it can make sense to enter that immensely hard and difficult work. But the investment needs more IMHO than "love" or "she’s special". It needs more pragmatic factors like long-term involvement, legal implications, children, pension etc before being worth investing in.

Would you recommend breaking it off for all pre-marital affairs cases? I feel like I don't understand.

That is a KEY factor: Change behavior. That is something people generally need a very strong reason to do on a permanent level. You too would need to change your behavior.

Yeah even pretty early on I realized that I cannot truly force her to not cheat. I realized that being with someone to change them doesn't work. If she is to change she needs to change herself. And I know change is hard, so I guess that's one of the reasons why there are a lot of repeat offenders.

People make "mistakes" (although infidelity isn’t a mistake per se) but IMHO everyone deserves the chance of redemption and change. Only it doesn’t have to be at my (or your) cost.

I agree. People do make mistakes, and I honestly hope she made mistakes and won't make them again in the future. But I cannot argue with the objective facts and reality of what I'm seeing (or not seeing). Just sad to think about really.

Thank you for your perspective and story. I'm sorry this happened to you but am glad you're in a good spot now :D

posts: 11   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8693568
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 oldmewasmurdered (original poster new member #79473) posted at 4:44 AM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

Not sure if the other BSes have felt something like this but when I talked to my WF I honestly still couldn't tell that she lied. It's a weird feeling of dissonance that truly messes with your senses xD

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 4:45 AM, Saturday, October 16th]

posts: 11   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8693569
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:16 PM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

OMWM when you referenced "talked to the wayward fiancée" do you mean before you learned of the affair or after?

You may go back and analyze things and start to have that "aha" moment that may cause some doubt about the past.

However no one here can be a mind reader. Some liars are able to lie their way through life. It can take years of experience to develop that skill to spot a lie. I call it the smell test - does the person pass the smell test? Sometimes you can tell if people are lying and sometimes you cannot.

Case in point. I had a friend who D her narcissistic Cheating Husband. Appearances - they were the happiest couple. Reality - he was a serial cheating lying jerk! He had everyone fooled. Knew him 20 years. Never would have suspected.

But once they prove to be liars, it’s hard to undo that label.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:19 PM, Saturday, October 16th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10686   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8693592
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DeWittle ( member #50857) posted at 3:38 PM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

Would you recommend breaking it off for all pre-marital affairs cases? I feel like I don't understand.

JMO, The engagement period is a test, cheating should be considered an immediate disqualification. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. YES!

[This message edited by DeWittle at 9:40 AM, October 16th (Saturday)]

posts: 323   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2015
id 8693604
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 4:28 PM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

You need to find out what you want to do. People here and in real life can give you the value of their experiences. There are a ton of good reasons to break off a relationship with a WF. You have seen many of them articulated here. Lots of great advice to consider. Do some stay together and R after infidelity, whether during engagement or during the M. Sure. In the end you have to figure out what is best for you. Take time to heal. Is staying in the relationship even something you wish to consider? You have suffered a trauma and your emotions will change frequently. Watch her actions. She has a ton of work to do and growing up to do based on what you have shared. Most importantly take care of you. Always value yourself.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2822   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8693607
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:41 PM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

Look at this as a gift. You aren’t losing anything.

Avoiding future pain is a good.

[This message edited by Marz at 4:41 PM, Saturday, October 16th]

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8693609
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:52 PM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

I'm generally pro-R (only) when the both partners want R and will do the necessary work. IMO, for the WS, that starts with the realization that goes something like, 'I really fucked up, and I don't want to do that again. I will therefore change these thoughts and these behaviors. And since I'm aware of only some of my own dysfunction, I'm going to find a good therapist to help me keep myself honest.'

It takes years to recover from being betrayed, and still more time to rebuild a relationship. I'm not sure R is a good choice when the R process will take longer than you've invested in the relationship up to now.

An A is a lot of evidence that this is not a right person for you, although it's not absolutely conclusive. If I cheated on someone, I'd wonder if that someone was a right person for me. Both of you should have doubts about your picker....

I can't predict the future, but even being pro-R, my guess is that yes, if you discover an A before your M, it's probably best to just end the relationship. An A while one is supposed to be in a committed relationship, even though it's before M and before house/car/kid/etc. ... it's just too risky to continue on to an M, IMO.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26130   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8693610
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 6:46 PM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

Would you recommend breaking it off for all pre-marital affairs cases? I feel like I don't understand.

I would. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. This a time when the love and connection and euphoria should be high with anticipation. If she can cheat then what will it be like in the reality of life with it's ups and downs and stresses?

Past behaviour is one of the best predictors of future behaviour. People can change. However, how long does it take to see and believe there is genuine and permanent change? Why risk the issue that there won't be change or the change wasn't real but transitory and your are in a much more entwined relationship.

Again, I would break it off. There are better options out there. But, perhaps I'm biased because of what happened to me.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4674   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8693626
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:37 PM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

SteadyChevy I don’t think you are biased.

My experience is that.everyone I know that was cheated on by their fiancé/fiancée and then married the cheater led a life filled with affairs. The cheater never stopped cheating.

Many here at SI regret going through w/ the wedding after learning the fiancée/fiancé was cheating on them.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10686   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8693634
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