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Wayward Side :
Where do I go from here?

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 warrenbkk (original poster new member #78851) posted at 10:29 AM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

Around 6 months ago I fell into limerence for a woman, with whom I had short but intense emotional + physical affair that lasted for approx. 2 months.

The other woman ended it for different reasons, and the whole thing basically blew up in my face.
At one point my SO confronted me, but regrettably, I gaslighted her.

From that moment onward, I went full NC with this ex-AP,
and deleted+blocked all her contact information - basically locked the door & threw away the key.

In the last 4 months, I have tried to be a better husband / better version of myself by:

- Being more communicative with my SO
- Trying to re-ignite physical and emotional intimacy with her
- Started a daily journal as an outlet for my thoughts, to help me detox from the ex-affair partner
- Daily weight-training & cardio to increase my physical & mental fortitude

The biggest challenge has been to detox myself from the ex-affair partner / Limerent Object(LO).

For those of you WS's who may have experienced limerence,
will probably know that it is toxic and selfish - the worst sort of curse.

The daily ruminations about the LO can be overwhelming at times,
which becomes a significant drain on your time and emotional energy.

But, I'm at a point now where the limerence has reduced significantly,
the LO is off the pedestal & I can see the situation clearly for what it was -
I was living in a dopamine-induced alternate reality.

What I have not done yet is to disclose the affair to my spouse.
But I don't want to disclose the affair, just to make myself feel better,
and I also feel it is still too early for disclosure.

Our relationship at this moment is stable.

Where do I go from here?

[This message edited by warrenbkk at 10:32 AM, Monday, August 23rd]

posts: 12   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2021   ·   location: China
id 8684859
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Moderator #29447) posted at 11:46 AM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

I also feel it is still too early for disclosure.

Can you explain what you mean by this?

Honestly, there is never a "good time" for disclosure. You will find reasons to put it off indefinitely.

IMHO, it is vitally important to disclose in order to have an authentic marriage. Your BS is currently making decisions in her life based on falsehood. You have been making unilateral decisions in your marriage and have taken her agency from her.

I can’t think of a good reason to do this in a healthy marriage.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 14280   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8684863
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 5:20 AM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

Every day you don't tell the complete truth you are continuing to lie. Go to her with a complete timeline when you confess. Offer a polygraph to confirm. Give her complete access to all you electronic devices and accounts. Then she can decide what to do with her life. She deserves agency and you continue to deceive her.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1343   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8685280
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Apparition ( member #75755) posted at 5:27 PM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

Every day you don't tell the complete truth you are continuing to lie. Go to her with a complete timeline when you confess. Offer a polygraph to confirm. Give her complete access to all you electronic devices and accounts. Then she can decide what to do with her life. She deserves agency and you continue to deceive her.

I agree with TIF. How will there ever be a good time to tell or to talk? Right now you have the opportunity to be the one who disclosed. This may be a limited time opportunity and one of the few things you can actually do that may make a difference in your chance for R. Would you rather she discover and then the evidence will always suggest to her that you were forced to disclose or would you rather her find out in one of those random ways or just through her gut instinct, and then you can never go to her and at least say, it was your own conscience, your own sense of morality that led you to disclose? There is no guaranty of R either way, but if you get R, maybe it'll be a tiny bit easier for her. And even a tiny bit matters. Will it be a tiny bit easier to you to know you have made the shift back to living an honest life with her?

I speak from a spouse who found out, despite my WW using a burner phone and cheater's best practices. Additionally, she had other buffers that made her cheating seem 100% secure. No lie is 100% secure. My WW would always say she was going to come clean. And how is that credible?

I get you wondering if it's just for you. Let's dispel that. Is honesty and sexual exclusivity a part of your relationship contract or not? If it is, then there you go, there's your answer.

Me: BH
Her: WW (expert serial cheater)
Status: Divorcing

posts: 220   ·   registered: Oct. 28th, 2020
id 8685374
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EvolvingSoul ( Guide #29972) posted at 10:02 PM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

Hi warrenbkk,

Welcome to SI. smile

Good job on doing the research on limerence and getting yourself to the point that you see the AP and the affair for what they were. You're way ahead of a lot of folks when they show up here. That being said, you wrote:

What I have not done yet is to disclose the affair to my spouse.
But I don't want to disclose the affair, just to make myself feel better,
and I also feel it is still too early for disclosure.

Our relationship at this moment is stable.

Like WOES, I also am wondering why you think it is too early to start being honest with your wife. Your perception is that your relationship is stable. Could you clarify a little what that means?

You are pretty early on in the healing process so you might not yet see it but your wife and your marriage aren't the only things harmed by your choice to betray her. You are also harmed. Your integrity is shredded, and it stays shredded until you start being honest with her. You said you're working to reignite physical and emotional intimacy with her, but how is any intimacy possible if you're still lying to her? The best you can do is have a kind of false, apparent intimacy that entirely depends on you controlling all the information.

You have a lot of work ahead of you. My advice is

1) Stop lying. About anything.
2) Get educated about the true nature of infidelity and how it impacts the people involved.
3) Get into IC and figure out why you cheated. It's not anything your wife did or that was a problem in the marriage. Those are reasons to feel tempted, sure. But the reason you don't value your own integrity enough to stay faithful, the reason you were able to choose hurt and harm for your wife and marriage so you could have the feelings you wanted at the time, those are going to be about you.

You can't uncheat, but you can use this as a wakeup call that you have some significant personal work to do that ultimately can improve your experience of life and every relationship you have. Your marriage may or may not be salvageable, but you definitely are.

Proceed with conviction and valor. Strength and courage to you from this EvolvingSoul.

Me: WS (60)Him: Shards (55)D-day: June 6, 2010Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2531   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8685454
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Cruel ( new member #79327) posted at 3:30 AM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

Study this, then implement it relentlessly.

"How to help your spouse heal from your affair"
By Linda McDonald.


This is just for starters.


You’re welcome.

BH - Dday = 04-13-2019 approximately 12:00 pm.

She’s done and or doing the "work" and is now mentoring others.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Aug. 26th, 2021   ·   location: Michigan
id 8685515
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 6:00 AM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

But I don't want to disclose the affair, just to make myself feel better, and I also feel it is still too early for disclosure.

It will be too early for disclosure until you conveniently determine that it's too late for disclosure so why bring it up now? rolleyes

At the moment, there is nothing on that list you provided that is about being a better husband to your wife... it's entirely about you. You deleted and blocked your AP because she's done with anyway and there's no point to the risk of having her contact information on hand or any possible traces your wife could dig up. You're no longer talking to or fucking your AP, so you're trying to fill that void with more talks and sex with your wife. You're exercising because you're trying to rebuild your self-esteem (and look hotter) after rejection. You're journaling in lieu of being honest with the person who deserves your honesty.

Do you want to throw water on your passion for your affair partner? Do you really love and care for your wife? Tell your wife the truth and apologize for lying to her and cruelly manipulating her. Then give her the choice that you stole from her.

Besides, you can't pretend that your wife is blissfully ignorant at the moment. Clearly she knew enough to suspect and confront you about having an affair, even if she didn't know the whole story. Most likely, you were being a complete dick to her while the affair was going on and she probably notices that you're sad and sulking, even if you think she doesn't.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:05 AM, Thursday, August 26th]

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 474   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8685531
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 warrenbkk (original poster new member #78851) posted at 7:41 AM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

At the moment, there is nothing on that list you provided that is about being a better husband to your wife... it's entirely about you. You deleted and blocked your AP because she's done with anyway and there's no point to the risk of having her contact information on hand or any possible traces your wife could dig up. You're no longer talking to or fucking your AP, so you're trying to fill that void with more talks and sex with your wife. You're exercising because you're trying to rebuild your self-esteem (and look hotter) after rejection. You're journaling in lieu of being honest with the person who deserves your honesty.

Do you want to throw water on your passion for your affair partner? Do you really love and care for your wife? Tell your wife the truth and apologize for lying to her and cruelly manipulating her. Then give her the choice that you stole from her.

Besides, you can't pretend that your wife is blissfully ignorant at the moment. Clearly she knew enough to suspect and confront you about having an affair, even if she didn't know the whole story. Most likely, you were being a complete dick to her while the affair was going on and she probably notices that you're sad and sulking, even if you think she doesn't.

You don't know a thing about me and automatically jumped to conclusions about what is going on inside my head,
what were/are my intentions without even attempting to understand the circumstances.

No wonder your ex-WH cheated on you,
having had to deal with an attitude like yours.

Furthermore, your response shows that you understand absolutely nothing about limerence.

posts: 12   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2021   ·   location: China
id 8685534
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Apparition ( member #75755) posted at 12:50 PM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

Warren, The fact you are here, discussing disclosure, and asking others where you go from here, is indeed a start. I also understand an initial negative reaction when people seem to be telling you how you are thinking and feeling. Nevertheless, maybe you should re-read what Blue actually wrote. It's good that you're getting yourself in order. You may consider reading Blues comments less defensively and see if you can actually apply them self critically. Do you think that given the poor choices you made, that some serious criticisms to how you think may be in order? It was your ways of thinking and ethical decisions that got you here and has your wife living a lie. A lie that "Trying to re-ignite physical and emotional intimacy with her" is only continuing and perhaps compounding. Whether or not the steps you're taking are selfish or to prepare to heal the damage you've done to your wife and marriage, only your actions will show.

It may be your wife has the same reaction as Blue. You have an affair, then begin exercising, having more sex with your wife, journaling to relieve your own pain (detox), and talking to your wife more. What happens when your wife gets the whole story, timeline, and sees this all in hindsight. Put on your best reasonable person standard. You have all the information about your relationship. Well, I suppose you and your AP. You and your AP knew what was going on in your marriage, while your wife has lived in darkness and was (and is) fed lies. All the damage of those lies will come out. Whether or not you disclose. You think your wife's suspicions aren't still there? Secrets don't stay secrets and you're on borrowed time. Perhaps while you have this time you may wish to use it to be critical of yourself. When you disclose (I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here), your wife will certainly have some choice words for you, maybe for years. Will it serve your wife, the marriage, and your chance of R if you have already been critical and already have your self in order? Do you care about the outcome for your wife or are you just getting yourself back together for another affair without ever changing your ways of thinking?

I have to say, I'm worried for you after reading your response to Blue. Blue was kind and thoughtful and you rejected some very legitimate criticisms. Is this how you'll respond when your wife has similar criticisms? Will you be defensive or will you really hear your wife?

Me: BH
Her: WW (expert serial cheater)
Status: Divorcing

posts: 220   ·   registered: Oct. 28th, 2020
id 8685541
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GiveTimeTime ( member #45868) posted at 11:39 PM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

No wonder your ex-WH cheated on you,

having had to deal with an attitude like yours.

Wow. Just wow. That’s got to be the meanest comment I’ve ever seen on these boards.

Me: 50 Him: 59
Married 14 years, together 19.
D-day: 3/6/14
Me; loving, devoted, faithful wife
Him: lying, cheating, wh0re fu€king john
6/4/15 - Divorced. Done. I wasn't kidding, asshole.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2014   ·   location: Las Vegas
id 8685643
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AnOminousMan ( member #79091) posted at 12:38 AM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

BS here - no stop sign.

No wonder your ex-WH cheated on you,

having had to deal with an attitude like yours.

You seem really remorseful. How fortunate for your wife.

For those of you WS's who may have experienced limerence,

will probably know that it is toxic and selfish - the worst sort of curse.

Limerence isn't your real problem. It's self-centeredness.

But I don't want to disclose the affair, just to make myself feel better,

and I also feel it is still too early for disclosure.

Our relationship at this moment is stable.

Where do I go from here?

Despite your protests, I think you are looking for someone to tell you that you don't need to disclose your affair. Because, clearly, you have made so much progress... You have even convinced yourself that not telling her is for her sake. An idea that is universally rejected on this site.

I doubt you like the answers you receive here. Particularly since I doubt any members here will be willing to hold your hand and tell you that "everything is going to be alright" because of all your pain and suffering.

If you can stop offering excuses for yourself and start listening to some of the members here, you might be able to start the process of becoming a better person. As much as I would like for that to happen, I won't be holding my breath.

[This message edited by AnOminousMan at 12:42 AM, Friday, August 27th]

If you love me, you will keep my commandments. (John 14:15)
My story doesn't really matter. I had it way easier than most.
The only thing that matters is can you stare into the mirror and like what you see.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8685662
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NotMyFirstRodeo ( member #75220) posted at 6:57 AM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

I see a mask slipping...

If, to date it's been accurate, trust your gut and not your ears.

posts: 204   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2020
id 8685683
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 warrenbkk (original poster new member #78851) posted at 9:11 AM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

You have all the information about your relationship. Well, I suppose you and your AP. You and your AP knew what was going on in your marriage

Only I knew what was going on in my marriage. AP was in the dark as well.

Will it serve your wife, the marriage, and your chance of R if you have already been critical and already have your self in order?

Yes, I think so

Do you care about the outcome for your wife or are you just getting yourself back together for another affair without ever changing your ways of thinking?

No, I am definitely not looking to start another affair.

If I genuinely see that becoming a reality in the near future, I will set my wife free first,so she can find somebody else who is more deserving of her.

The reason I'm second-guessing myself is that I am unable to reconcile the reasons for my disclosure yet.I don't want to do it just to unload my guilt, which honestly, is probably the reason I'd be doing it, if I were to disclose right now.

I fully agree with another poster that disclosing is essential in order to continue with an authentic marriage.

Need to decide whether I want to continue living a lie, or come clean and be ready to accept the consequences.

[This message edited by warrenbkk at 9:13 AM, Friday, August 27th]

posts: 12   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2021   ·   location: China
id 8685686
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MrsWalloped ( member #62313) posted at 2:08 PM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

No wonder your ex-WH cheated on you,
having had to deal with an attitude like yours.


Hmmm...

Do you also blame your wife for you cheating on her?

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

posts: 685   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2018
id 8685745
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prissy4lyfe ( member #46938) posted at 2:10 PM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

What an absolutely DISGUSTING and HORRIBLE thing to say to someone. And it shows that you don't know a thing about REMORSE.

You lashed out in anger at someone you don't even know who took the time to offer you some advice. If you can't take it from a stranger you most definitely are not going to be able to take it from your wife when she finds out. She is going to be ANGRY on a level like you have never seen....because you twisted her reality. She knew something was wrong and instead of trusting herself...she trusted the man she loved. And the entire time you were lying.

You owe that poster an apology...consider it practice for all the humility and apologies you will owe your wife for an extremely long time to come.

And don't fool yourself...you aren't keeping this a secret out of some altruistic motive You aren't keeping this because you feel "bad" about unloading your "guilt". You don't want her to leave you or worse...do what you did. You scared spitless that if you give her the choice....she won't choose you or your marriage. And that's your fear because You didn't choose your wife or your marriage.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 2:21 PM, Friday, August 27th]

posts: 1979   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Virginia
id 8685748
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 2:38 PM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

I feel sorry for your poor W. What a disgusting thing to say to someone. You are a bully and a coward. You should apologize to Blue and maybe listen to what is being advised.

[This message edited by Tanner at 8:53 AM, August 27th (Friday)]

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 723   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8685764
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:15 PM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

No wonder your ex-WH cheated on you,
having had to deal with an attitude like yours.


What a horrible thing to say to someone.

your response shows that you understand absolutely nothing about limerence

And your disgusting comment shows that you've done absolutely no work on yourself, that you don't really understand affairs, and that you are a bully.

Tell your wife the truth. Stop being a coward. Stop stealing her agency. She deserves to know who she is married to.

posts: 3706   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8685794
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stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 3:57 PM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

No wonder your ex-WH cheated on you,
having had to deal with an attitude like yours.

Your poor wife. I agree with the poster above, the mask is slipping.

Furthermore, your response shows that you understand absolutely nothing about limerence.

Oh the tough guy wants everyone to see him as a victim. You poor thing!!!!!!!!!!! You are in limerence. Let us cry for you, you poor, poor victim.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 807   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8685819
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TKOGA ( member #58595) posted at 4:03 PM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

What a horrible fucking person you seem to be.

27 year old woman. Walked in on my fiancé with his best friend's girlfriend. Called off the wedding and broke up with him but no one knows why. This sucks.

posts: 162   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8685820
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MangledHeart ( Webmaster Member Zero) posted at 4:21 PM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

Just a friendly reminder that this is the WS forum. BS are not to use 2x4's in here. Staff has been discussing this topic and taking action as we feel necessary. Warrenbkk has already been addressed privately regarding his earlier unacceptable comments.

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength. ~Corrie Ten Boom

posts: 10000   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2002   ·   location: Texas
id 8685821
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