Newest Member: Pathfinder

Reconciliation :
Nightmare

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 PersephoneEris (original poster New Member #77237) posted at 4:42 AM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021

So it’s been nearly a year since my husband cheated on me with a ONS. I wouldn’t say I’m over it or that I’ve even forgiven him, but the pain was less I suppose. Worse than the pain of the infidelity though has been the pain of broken promises. After the truth came out, he was so contrite and promised that he wouldn’t treat me badly or ever make me feel like staying was a mistake. He swore that he would do whatever it took to make me feel loved and cherished. We weren’t exactly good before he effed up and he knew that I was afraid we’d get bad again with him being verbally and emotionally awful to me. For the first six or seven months he kept his word. I’d never felt so heard and special and loved. But unfortunately as he forgave himself and got over the guilt, his anger came back. He started getting mad about stupid things (like me not dropping everything to clean up messes). He started to get mad every time I’d bring up how I was feeling about the incident or how it hurt that he wasn’t keeping his promises and his reply would be that he shouldn’t have made them. It’s now gotten to the point where’s he’s screaming at me for being a free loader and that he’s jealous of other husbands (I guess cuz I don’t make his lunches or that I’m not ALWAYS home to help him?) and he’s breaking things and creating huge messes for me to clean up. We haven’t spoken since the last episode much outside of me texting him telling him how I felt about that and him replying that he wouldn’t be blamed for everything anymore. I honestly don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I know I’m not over it and the pain is sometimes too much to bear, but he is making me regret not leaving right away and never having to go through the process of it all. I don’t know why I continue to stay, I’m sure I should leave, but I don’t. We’re back to where we were before he cheated and I feel so alone. He can be really great when he wants to be, but he’s so damn angry now and I don’t know why. We’re doing counseling but it isn’t helping, it’s just getting worse. He was supposed to quit smoking pot too, he promised that, but he didn’t. He did cut back for a time, but now that’s getting worse again too. I don’t know. Sometimes I think that maybe he’s right, and it is my fault too. That maybe I am lazy and a bad wife. Maybe my perception of everything is off in the way I think his is. I literally feel crazy a lot of the time. And sad. So incredibly sad. I have no one to blame but myself. I never believed he’d be able to keep all the promises he made, the promises that I really really needed him to keep.

Me: 34 BW
Him: 38 ONS WH
Married: 5 years, together 7.5 years
Dday: 8/21/20; one week after ONS
Relationship status: unsure, in MC

posts: 21   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: North Idaho
id 8681423
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Underserving ( Member #72259) posted at 5:17 AM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021

Oh honey, I wish I could give you a hug.

What you are experiencing is common enough, but it is absolutely not “normal.” He thought he could portray Mr. Wonderful for long enough you’d “get over it” and return to business as usual, but now that it’s taking longer than he expected, he’s all butthurt about it. Well, fuck that guy, and probably his momma too.

I spent well over a year in a depression because of my husband’s affair. Housework was the LEAST of my concerns. I consider my husband a remorseful wayward, and he has not ONCE made me feel guilty about the state of our home being less than perfect, or how it was pre discovery.

I don’t think he “saw the light” and forgave himself as much as he is misplacing the blame on you for not being past the betrayal, and not acting as some stepford wife that he narcissistically thinks he deserves. If he got what he “deserved,” he’d be choking down cow manure every morning for breakfast.

His mask has slipped, and you see him for who he really is. Is this the partner you really want?

[This message edited by Underserving at 11:50 PM, August 4th (Wednesday)]

BW (32)
Found out 3 years post end of A
D-day 12-9-19
Meh-ing through R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 651   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8681426
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13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 3:32 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021

I honestly don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

You're not doing anything wrong. He's a bad partner, and that's not your fault.

One of the most important lessons that I've learned is that every single thing that every person does is a "projection of their own reality" and has nothing to do with anyone else. Mother Teresa helped the poor because it made her feel like a good person. Your H breaks things and treats you poorly not because of YOU or anything that you're doing, but because he's angry and broken. Don't own his bad behavior. Let it be his alone.

Like Undeserving said, I wish I could give you a big hug. Is there anyone in your real world who can help you?

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 444   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8681486
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DevastatedDee ( Member #59873) posted at 3:52 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021

You're in an abusive relationship. He doesn't have to hit you to be an abuser. Check out "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. This is just straight up abuse with a side dish of infidelity just for flavor. There is no hope of R in this kind of relationship. This is something that you need to escape for your own mental health.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4447   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8681492
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 3:55 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021

He continues to show you contempt, disrespect and hatred.

You may need to reconsider your decision to remain married to him. He has (at this point) anger and rage issues and nothing seems to please him.

It’s not you job to make him happy. He can only do that on his own. Your role is to add to his happiness. Period.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10541   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8681493
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Chaos ( Member #61031) posted at 3:57 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021

He thought he could portray Mr. Wonderful for long enough you’d “get over it” and return to business as usual, but now that it’s taking longer than he expected, he’s all butthurt about it. Well, fuck that guy, and probably his momma too.

^^^^

Read this. Then read it again.

What you do now is up to you. Take the time to think about it and be kind to yourself while you do.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3268   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8681494
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bookworm19 ( Member #54871) posted at 4:02 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021

So it’s been nearly a year since my husband cheated on me with a ONS

This is nothing, it takes a lot longer to heal with somebody who is doing the work, not with some ape throwing tantrums. Sorry apes...

And he's breaking things and you get to clean them up? And you are asking what are you doing wrong? Well, what is wrong is you being abused like that, this is so not ok, you have to protect yourself.

English is not my language, sorry for mistakes and funny words...

posts: 445   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2016   ·   location: Europe
id 8681500
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HowCouldSheDoIt ( Member #78431) posted at 6:09 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021

My heart goes out to you Persephone.

I think we're in similar situations (albeit I feel mine is much easier to tolerate than yours) where the task we have is accepting that the only way forward is to D, and then executing. It is frightening. However, in my case and probably yours as well, we really have no other option.

I'm understanding that there is a chance the WS wakes up and changes their ways, and if it does then we can cross that bridge.

Otherwise if you're like me, you've exhausted all your options. It sucks.

Sending you strength Persephone.

Me: BH Early 50's
Her: WW Early 50's
D-Day Nov 2020
Married 21 years before D-Day
3 children
Working toward reconciling. The most difficult thing I've had to do in my life.

posts: 242   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021
id 8681528
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Justsomeguy ( Member #65583) posted at 6:22 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021

You were not put on this earth to devote yourself to managing a man-child. That would put you in charge of two people, you, and him, while he gets, hold on-I need to do the math, oh yeah, off scott free. I dont think he has changed, so much as taken an asshole vacation for 6 months. When I read your post, I see that deep down, you already know what you should do. Now you need to dig a little further and find the resolve...

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1110   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8681532
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 6:56 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021

You're in an abusive relationship. He doesn't have to hit you to be an abuser. Check out "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. This is just straight up abuse with a side dish of infidelity just for flavor. There is no hope of R in this kind of relationship. This is something that you need to escape for your own mental health.

^^^This and definitely read the book it really helps describe the behavior that is abusive.

Unfortunately I agree that he is emotionally abusive. My ex near the end of our M had so much contempt for me it was as if he was frothing at the mouth. No one deserves that kind of contempt and abuse.

(((PersephoneEris)))

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8035   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8681541
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 PersephoneEris (original poster New Member #77237) posted at 11:55 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021

Gah, I mean I KNOW. I know that I should leave. I don’t know why I stay honestly. That’s my biggest problem. The counselor says it takes more strength to stay than to leave, but I feel that if I was strong, I would tell him to go eff himself and leave him to see how he does. But I guess I’m scared. I have nowhere to go with the kids and I know we would both lose everything and I busted my ass just as much to get this property and this house for my kids. The idea of moving them into income housing or worse just depresses me beyond words. And the guilt. Oh the guilt. It is so strong and overwhelming. I feel so bad for my decisions and how they’ve affected not just me, but my kids.

I just wanted so badly for it to work. I was so in love with this man. I would have done anything for him. I prayed so hard that he would finally keep his word 😞

Me: 34 BW
Him: 38 ONS WH
Married: 5 years, together 7.5 years
Dday: 8/21/20; one week after ONS
Relationship status: unsure, in MC

posts: 21   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: North Idaho
id 8681656
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TheEnd ( Member #72213) posted at 2:28 AM on Friday, August 6th, 2021

What would happen if you stopped turning the other cheek and letting this asshat abuse you?

I hear you on not wanting to give up the life you have earned.

So don't. Don't give up one damn thing. For now, anyway.

STOP INDULGING HIM. He's a toddler gone wild. Just stop giving one fuck about it. Seriously. Do not clean up one mess. Do not wait on him or otherwise wipe his toddler ass for him. Just NO.

When he starts to tantrum, WALk AWAY. Bonus points if you can first give him a look like you've just seen horns grow out of his head and you're disgusted by it. I'd be tempted to put him in a time out chair I bought just for him, but snark probably won't help much.

Seriously, walk away when he acts out and for the love of all that that is good and right in this world, stop REWARDING his bullshit.

Meantime, see a lawyer and see what divorce will really look like. Just to know what you might face. Start squirreling away money for yourself and your kids. You are being abused and abuse makes you feel weaker and smaller than you actually are. Grow your power. First through walking away from further abuse and second through protecting yourself with knowledge and cash.

Keep posting. We can cheer you on and help you remember your worth.

posts: 53   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8681692
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Notaboringwife ( Member #74302) posted at 9:03 PM on Friday, August 6th, 2021

Persephone,

But I guess I’m scared. I have nowhere to go with the kids and I know we would both lose everything and I busted my ass just as much to get this property and this house for my kids. The idea of moving them into income housing or worse just depresses me beyond words. And the guilt. Oh the guilt.

If you were able to bust your ass to get material things for you and your kids, you are able to bust your ass to get what is right for you and your kids without your abusive husband continuing to wreck your life and that of your kids. That is what I see in your text.

I see strength and fear. I see strength and guilt. I see strength.

Work on that strength and use it...in whatever situation happens at home. I can't tell you where or how to use it...I don't know enough about you. But I think I see a resilience in you.

Keep posting, we are here for you. Hugs!

"Healing is not about moving on or "getting over it," it’s about learning to make peace with our pain and finding purpose in our lives again."

posts: 211   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2020
id 8682012
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annb ( Member #22386) posted at 12:01 PM on Saturday, August 7th, 2021

Your husband is abusive and your children are watching.

Protect your children and please find a way out, lean on family and friends for support.

Hugs....

posts: 11257   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8682080
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OwningItNow ( Member #52288) posted at 1:47 PM on Saturday, August 7th, 2021

Third vote to please, please, please read the Lundy Bancroft book. You will feel so validated and learn how abusers think.

You need to understand something. Abusers do not change, they only get worse. Has he ever hit you? Pushed you? Gotten in your face? This is not a problem that is going to go away because this is your WH's personality. It's who he is. If you divorce, he'll treat his next partner this way because he feels entitled to treat his female partners like property, as if they owe him. And yes, he is the miserable one. This is not your fault at all.

I have been in two abusive relationships with very similar people. (Stupid, but I was very messed up then.) To test the theory that it wasn't me, I would watch to see their mood or if something had gone wrong, to see if it would be directed at me. Sure enough, every time. I also found myself withholding good news because they would mock me. My happiness angered them. Their internal misery used me as a punching bag, but I did nothing wrong. Same with you.

Lundy Bancroft has worked with and studied many abusers, often in prison after they attack or kill their partner. He has so struggled to help abusers change that he now realizes the best bet for breaking the cycle is to help the victim get strong. That's you. I had to leave my abusers who continued to abuse others, and you will need to leave your WH, too.

The counselor says it takes more strength to stay than to leave, but I feel that if I was strong, I would tell him to go eff himself and leave him to see how he does.

Omg, that counselor is an idiot. It's MC, right? They are calling it a Win if they save the marriage. But who is going to save you???? Please find an IC who actually cares about your mental health and not just your marital status.

Why do you say "see how he does"? He cannot change his personality--only for months at a time, not for good. This is who he is. Your leaving him will not wake him up permanently.

Is this how his dad treats his mom? I would bet, but idk. Do you have family who know what is going on? You need support.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:50 AM, August 7th (Saturday)]

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5263   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8682086
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 9:22 PM on Saturday, August 7th, 2021

Remember the school yard bullies? He was probably one of those. This man is bullying you right left and sideways. Put a stop to it. Walk out the door every time he starts that mess. Get your purse and leave. It’s sort of difficult to scream if there’s no one there to scream at. Don’t argue with him. He’s got you if you do that. Leave leave leave.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2907   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8682131
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 12:12 AM on Sunday, August 8th, 2021

The counselor says it takes more strength to stay than to leave, but I feel that if I was strong, I would tell him to go eff himself and leave him to see how he does.

count me in on:

Omg, that counselor is an idiot.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3369   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8682144
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Seeking2Forgive ( Member #78819) posted at 3:12 PM on Tuesday, August 10th, 2021

Your H is not remorseful. He's angry and entitled and he put on a show of regret for a limited time in an attempt to return to the status quo. He really needs to be in IC trying to understand not only why he cheated, but the root of all this anger. If your MC hasn't detected that and recommended IC then it's more evidence that they are not competent.

Me: 59, BS
Her: 58, FWS
Dday: 11/15/03
Married 37 yrs
Reconciled

posts: 77   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8682564
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 7:59 PM on Tuesday, August 10th, 2021

Lots of great insight here. I just want to add, if you decide to divorce, PLEASE keep quiet about it until you have every last duck in a row. From slowly removing precious items he won't notice, stashing emergency cash and funds, copies of important documents, seeing a lawyer etc. This guy sounds like he could really put you in an awful position if you make a big divorce announcement to him before you are prepared.

posts: 621   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8682625
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 10:53 PM on Tuesday, August 10th, 2021

You are young and your marriage is short. Can you imagine having to live with your husband's abuse for the next 40 years! It will only get worse. See a lawyer to assess your options if you decide to divorce. The worst thing you can do is to stay with your husband out of fear.

Your therapist's advice does not make sense. How could it show strength to stay with an abuser? Does the therapist feel you should stay with your husband? If so, why? Your husband sounds terrible and unlikely to ever change.

You need to prepare for a life without your husband so that you have a real option to leave if he doesn't change. What are your prospects for obtaining a decent-paying job? Is it possible to return to work in the near future when your children are ready for pre-school? Are there family and friends that you might lean on for assistance?

Find another therapist if your present one is not helping the two of you. Also, if your husband continues to show you little respect, it is quite likely he will cheat again. He has not paid nearly enough and is showing no remorse for what he did. Sounds like the ONS has been swept under the rug.

I am so sorry you are in this mess but the worst thing you can do is to maintain the status quo hoping things will get better. That doesn't seem to be working.

posts: 415   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8682663
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