Legatus - I have not posted on here in quite some time. Not actually sure why I came on here today as I am now almost 4 years out from D-Day 1, almost 3 years out from D-Day 2, and a little over 2 years out from D-Day 3 - the last one - and a little more than a week away from moving out of state and out of our house, on my own, finally. Maybe it's because I am so close to a move that was delayed over a year by COVID? Maybe it's because I was meant to see your post? Either way, my circumstances seem to be similar to yours except that my WH (I will use that abbreviation although we are not now married as everything gets so long otherwise) admitted it was a PA before he was willing to admit it was EA too. Only after I recorded all the "I love yous' was he willing to admit it was more than just sex.
I was gaslighted, tricked, lied to on a daily basis for a year after d-day 1 and then another 6 months following d-day 2, and likely after d-day 3 but I never bothered to figure it out. I had my career nearly ruined AFTER D-Dday1 passed due to the emotional toll it took on me and all of the detective work I was doing that sucked up so much of my daily life - their A stopped for a few weeks and then it was back on after d-day 1 which became clear to me as time went by. I didn't want to believe someone could do this to you even after being caught - False R is the WORST!! He never admitted to anything until caught and he never was able to cut off contact with her (he tried to transfer and COVID froze transfers and hiring in his weird field - this is one of the few things I know to be true - that and the fact that his job is basically non transferrable to anything that will pay him even 25% of what he makes now - these facts are where the knowledge of the actual truth ends for me). He and his AP still work together now but it's very uncomfortable as everyone at his work knows about the A now as he admitted it when asked to confirm the rumors, which was also a big step he took after d-day 3 (she and her H - the OBS all worked with my WH at the time of the A and before - he was friends with the OBS and was even in his and the APs wedding). The AP and the OBS have divorced recently and many people he used to call friends look at him with disdain. Due to COVID he and the AP did not see each other at work for 14 months and I don't think they had any contact, but now they are back to working together again. I have no idea what contact they have with each other. I don't care.
I had to get to the point of acceptance that I would NEVER know 100% what actually happened. I never will, no matter what I do, and not only because he is not trustworthy, but because you just can't know everything - it's not possible. When caught my WH didn't usually lie about what had happened up until that point - in fact he gave me more info than I even had and admitted to things I could never find out no matter how much digging I did (I too am a pretty good digger - when I was in private practice as a lawyer I worked several cases that required years of forensic computer/digital analysis and I learned a lot of the tricks, but more importantly, had access to people who know a lot more tricks than my WH).
Like you, I also got the point where the "love" I had for him was gone. I can't say exactly when it happened. It was sometime after d-day 3 and after the day 6 months later where my WH told me he wanted me to move out immediately because he was tired of my being sad all of the time. He wanted the old fun me back and shockingly I just wasn't in the mood for that. I couldn't snap my fingers and make it all go away. So I acquiesced and started to move (the house is his pre-M so in a division of assets/legal perspective I would not get any of it - so if anyone was going it was me) and prepared for about 3 weeks. We came to an arrangement regarding my staying for longer to save money to move and/or him paying for me to move out, which I did not want to do as the thought of him paying for me made me feel like my pain was being bought off somehow. In that time period he "changed his mind" and wanted me to stay. IDK if it was because I was really leaving or some fucked up way of trying to drag me back just to see if it could be done, but either way, he changed in ways he never had before. It was too late at that point for me - but that is not my point for you (except to validate your feelings of a loss of love - sometimes it comes back and sometimes it doesn't).
My point in telling you all of this is to validate how you are feeling. YOU WILL KNOW WHEN THEY ACTUALLY CHANGE. YOU WON'T HAVE TO GUESS. IT WILL BE OBVIOUS.
My WH all of a sudden started bringing up the A, and apologizing instead of getting defensive or placating me with some one liner apologies that didn't seem sincere. I wanted them to be sincere, but they didn't meet what I needed. I told myself I was being difficult. He is not me. We don't do things the same. And all of that is true. But even with our differences, when the shit really hit the fan and I was leaving, he managed to know what to say and how to say it. IDK if it was manipulation or not on his part initially, but now, (and for the last year and a half to two years) it's clear that he means it. He's told his friends and family - even his daughter (his daughter from years before we met) - and not because I asked, but because he needed to. He's done all sorts of things I don't need to detail here - the point is it's CLEAR he wants to change - and not for me - for him - and that's the only change that works - what we do for OURSELVES. That's the lasting part - that's the part that sticks to your ribs.
You will know it when you see it. The fact that you are not sure how to take your WW's words and actions tells you all that you need to know - they are not enough for you - there is something "off" about them. That's fine. That's because there is something off. I'm guessing that "something" may not be anything you can put your finger on, but it has something to do with a lack of sincerity and humility and grace - the shit that's real. The shit you know when you see it. The actions that won't magically fix everything but that you don't have to question their honesty. You will know them when they happen. Trust me. The thing is - they may result in you feeling that "there is nothing that can be done for ME by her to fix this" or they may be in the form of "there might be something she could do to work though this but this isn't it - it's not all of it - it's not right/it's not enough" and you may not even know what can be done. Regardless of whether anything will be enough for you - when someone wants to change, you will be able to tell they are sincere in their desire to change and their acceptance of their actions - all of this is not only part of remorse, but of their own personal healing. You will know it when it happens. You can trust me on that one.
Will she change? Can she change? I certainly don't know. What I do know is when/if she does, you won't question her motives. It won't fix the hurt, and in my case, it didn't bring back the love. It was too damaged. It's been too much for me. It's sad as we spent this summer together and things seemed so much like they used to be (the ease in which we interacted, the laughter, the feeling like the best of friends again, like before the A) but I can't find myself wanting it all back. The damage is too great. It may be for you too, or it may not. That's not for me to say. Far greater damage has been done to other marriages that managed to find their way back than occurred in mine.
I wish you all the luck in the world and the speed of healing. My D-Day 1 was in October of 2017 - crazy but I'm not sure of the actual day anymore. It was the 4th or the 1st (can't recall as D-day 2 was almost 1 year to the date later - and it was the 4th or the 1st). For SO LONG that day was part of my identity. Now, I don't even know what day it was for sure, and when I first started typing this I had to think back - was it 4 years or 5 - 2016 or 2017 as I didn't know - HOW GREAT IS THAT?!?!??!?!?!
You will get there. Trust yourself and do what you need to do for you, and breathe.
EDIT: I'm sorry for the typos and the rambling - I really wanted to respond to you and didn't have much time to do it and I was doing it from my phone so I made a mess of it. Hopefully it's legible enough.
[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:40 PM, July 24th (Saturday)]