Newest Member: ibelieveinspring

Just Found Out :
I thought we were in good relationship, then I found wife cheati

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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 4:09 AM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

Sky -

Your wife is lying, you know that she’s lying, why are you waiting an entire year for a poly that’ll confirm what you already know? Another year of your wife communicating with OM and getting defensive? I don’t understand what you’re doing? A year of no sex? When the poly confirms what you know, that she has continued to lie to you, then what? You’re under no obligation to answer my questions, and I’m not suggesting you do anything, I’m just curious.

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to "Life is short" you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 222   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021
id 8680756
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 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 4:18 AM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

@Aletheia i have to wait for a year because UAE where my wife lives do not have psychologists who administer polygraph test. And i live in USA. Im studying. I an very close to graduating , wants that to be smooth.

I think she is lying. Cant prove without evidence. Hope the truth will come out in poly. She is aware that if she is caught lying in poly, then relationship is over.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8680758
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 8:36 AM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

There's lot of anger and resentment between us and we both get triggered for small incidents. WS says i am emotionally harassing her.

A remorseful WW should have respected you on this matter. Selfishly she still thinks about her own emotional state after all she's done, and doesn't care about yours.

Poly is just a process that confirms you know the whole truth. It only makes sense if you have a remorseful WW who has done everything she has to do, not when you have a WW who is still fighting against you.

posts: 563   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8680775
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 11:36 AM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

Thank you for checking in.

I'm sorry you have to live with the uncertainty until she visits the USA (and a polygraph test).

In the interim (put it in writing so she can think about this):

1 - Her affair didn't just start when she gave him a BJ. Her decision to bond with the OM has been a long term wedge in your marriage that made very marriage conflict/issue 1,000 times worse.

She allowed this man into her head/heart (among other things comparing you to him) for a long time - and it's a contest that no spouse can win.

BTW: the OM is an adulterer and undermined another's marriage, therefore he's a morally bankrupt selfish POS.

2 - Trust is a wonderful gift. Her behavior with the OM destroyed your trust and therefore you are unable to believe her.

It will take years for her to rebuild your trust.

In the interim, distrust is not emotional harassment - it is a 100% consequence of her decision to have a secret inappropriate relationship behavior.

Therefore, it's not your job to rebuild trust - it's her's.

And it's not appropriate for you to grant her the gift of a second chance until she EARNS back your trust.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 5:38 AM, August 3rd (Tuesday)]

posts: 2452   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8680786
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 11:43 AM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

Has your wife read:

1 - How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful –

by Linda J. MacDonald (Author)

2 - Not Just Friends - by Dr Shirley Glass

What is your wife doing to rebuild your trust:

1 - IC for her with a specialist in infidelity?

2 - Total transparency?

3 - provided a timeline?

4 - offered to sign a post nup?

Does your wife understand the polygraph will address more than just the date of her last contact with the OM???

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 5:44 AM, August 3rd (Tuesday)]

posts: 2452   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8680787
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 2:09 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

°Maybe you aren’t in a position right now to take the correct and preferable steps to reconciliation.

MAYBE – Just MAYBE – your best option right now is some form of status quo.

I’m suggesting this because a) you spend a lot of time in another country b) are working towards graduation and c) are dependent financially on her while you reach that goal.

I’m also considering that they are physically apart. They might or might not be in communications, but frankly that isn’t something you can control or are in a good position to have an enforceable hard stance on. This is not the same as accepting it might be taking place, but rather acknowledging that while living apart your options of getting assurance are limited.

IF you two were in the same country then I would be suggesting ways to place the onus of proof on her and for you to confirm her accountability. Frankly there is no way you can ever 100% guarantee that. She could be using the network or tools available at work, she could be sending old-school snail-mail, she could be stopping at a café and using the free wi-fi, a burner phone, her friends landline… whatever. IF she wants to be in touch with OM she will be in touch with OM.

It can even be one-sided. Like that semi-admission that she might have once tried to send him a message… Maybe HE isn’t responding or has moved on. It really doesn’t matter as far as the future of the marriage is concerned.

I would consider the following stance or some version of it:

Make it clear to your wife that if she wants to then she CAN contact OM, move over to OM, meet with OM, see him at work-conferences…. Whatever. But not as your wife. Each and every time you learn of communications or even attempts at communications between them, find out she’s been searching for him or browsing his social-media or whatever… it’s simply a message to you that she would prefer to be with him rather than you.

Those messages make your destination and your options clearer. If she wants this marriage then her options are clear: She needs to assure you that there is no contact.

How can she do that? By being accountable. By allowing you access to her social media, her phone, her bank-account, her computer… whatever it is you need.

Even then you make it clear to her that this accountability only goes so far. If she wanted to be in infidelity she has so many other paths and options that you can never be 100% assured. That’s why – once you two can resume a “normal” married life – you will require a poly.

Stress that the poly benefits her. If she passes it creates a big block for you to build trust from. No – right now there is no trust because even if she’s telling the truth now she wasn’t telling the truth while she was cheating. Trust is not an on/off switch – it needs to be built. Make it clear that one way to show trust is for her to be absolutely 100% truthful and then to confirm that with a poly. Make it clear that learning NOW of recent contact or even attempts at contact would harm her less than failing the poly.

And then find a way to focus on your education and reaching your graduation goals ASAP.

Create an amicable and acceptable form of interaction with your wife, but basically with your future relationship on pause until you have the assurance you need. She is clear that she has this grace period to show her efforts. For example by entering therapy, by opening her information to you and by assuming daily accountability. Or not.

Heck… Rather than pay so much for a poly then maybe even have her come over for the graduation and get it done here.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10016   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8680820
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 1:17 AM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021

She is aware that if she is caught lying in poly, then relationship is over.

This is what I mean, although you know she is lying, you don’t have the polygraph as definitive "proof" so she’s just gonna wait you out and might tell you the truth after a year. You’re gambling another 365 days of your life, on your wife maybe being truthful at the end. And if she isn’t, 365 days of your life have passed then you end it (although many a BS say it’s over but it’s really not.) She’s currently biding her time. I don’t have the answer on what you should do, I’m just wondering have you really thought about the fact you are waiting in limbo, giving another year to someone you don’t and cannot trust? I’m so sorry you are truly in a crappy position.

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to "Life is short" you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 222   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021
id 8681081
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TheWrongOne ( member #78753) posted at 2:48 PM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021

Are you and your wife Muslim? I cannot imagine that she will be treated well when it gets out she has been unfaithful.

posts: 190   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8681171
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 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 10:38 PM on Thursday, August 12th, 2021

@Bigger and other members who have advised me. I agree with @Bigger detailed explanation. As i have to concentrate on my studies only option is to wait for an year and do polygraph. I have said WS that as she has agreed for poly, ill take decision after the test. While WS is ok for the test and says that she also want to prove that whatever she said is true. whenever we discuss test she is irritated and complains that im not believing her. She always say that after the test she will go her way and when i asked will she go for seperation, she said she will not live with me for awhile as she needs some time for herself to heal from trauma and pain my harassment is causing her.

She continously sticks to her story she said on D-day. I see it as a pressure tactic to avoid poly by making me feel guilty.
I have conveyed to her that we will do poly and its not gonna change.

I have said to her that if you wanna confess now do it as it may save the marriage. But she maintains they had just one date and romantic ffair was for few days only. But that she was emotionally attached till i found out.

Although i gave her Dr shirley Glass's book to read, why is she still confrontational? I thought that she will understand the need to do these things to build confidence and trust.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8683130
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 11:00 PM on Thursday, August 12th, 2021

Bullshit. Can she give one valid reason for you to trust her?

What she's done is enough to get you divorced. You give her a chance and she threatens you. I don't understand how these people can act so shamelessly. She's trying to dissuade you from the polygraph, as you might have guessed. You can tell her that you can get a divorce now since you're going to break up either way.

posts: 563   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
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Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 11:12 PM on Thursday, August 12th, 2021

She always say that after the test she will go her way and when i asked will she go for seperation, she said she will not live with me for awhile as she needs some time for herself to heal from trauma and pain my harassment is causing her.

Man, this is rich and right out of the DARVO handbook. I understand your current situation but this is the kind of bullshit you have to live with for the next 12 months.

Best of luck.

posts: 172   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8683139
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 3:53 PM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

whenever we discuss test she is irritated and complains that im not believing her. She always say that after the test she will go her way and when i asked will she go for seperation, she said she will not live with me for awhile as she needs some time for herself to heal from trauma and pain my harassment is causing her.

Whoa. Master level manipulation. She’s got a whole year to wear you down to whereas you’ll feel like villain for ever doubting trust in her. Don’t you know, when someone cheats on you, they’re the victim, and you should trust a proven liar because they promise they’re now telling you the truth. And if you ask them to prove they are now telling the truth, it’s harassment.

Good luck Sky 😬

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to "Life is short" you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 222   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021
id 8683280
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 4:45 PM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

She always say that after the test she will go her way and when i asked will she go for seperation, she said she will not live with me for awhile as she needs some time for herself to heal from trauma and pain my harassment is causing her.

Wow. She is blaming you for trauma? This is disgusting. I'm sorry you have to deal with her til the poly. Don't let her get you down. Ignore all the "poor me" crap she's feeding you.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8683307
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 7:49 PM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

Although i gave her Dr shirley Glass's book to read, why is she still confrontational?

Because the poly isn't the issue; the issue is that she is not a good candidate for reconciliation. That could change, but you should not base your future on this. You should be dealing with the person who stands in front of you today.

Sky, one of the hardest parts of dealing with infidelity, is that WE are left to clean up the mess. Even if your wife was textbook perfect in every way, it doesn't erase what happened. You still have to deal with the trauma. And if she was doing everything right, and you still feel terrible, who is going to get you through that? It still comes down to you dealing with the cards you have been dealt.

Now, in your case(as of now), you have a less than willing wife. She cheated, lied, and now, in her mind, expects you to believe her. Whether she is truthful or not isn't the issue. Her behavior is manipulative, abusive, and is in no way therapeutic to your healing. So, my rhetorical question again is---Who is going to get you through this....besides yourself?

A year is a long time to 'waste' while you wait for availability of a test. You don't need that test to show you that the person standing in front of you, today, is not one that you would want to spend the rest of your life with. Start believing this, and act accordingly. Maybe your intolerance to her current behavior may be the catalyst she needs to make authentic changes to herself.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3853   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8683396
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 8:46 PM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

I understand that you are financially dependent on her for the next year of school. Therefore, your options are limited.

Your wife wants the last word and is trying to maintain control.

However, you can (for your own mental health) exert some control in the marriage.

The next time she plays the victim or claims to be traumatized and needs time to herself, inform her that:

- she is not the victim of betrayal and adultery (you are).

- she is a liar and an adulterer. It will take years for her to rebuild what she destroyed, including your trust.

- since she's a liar, you don't know if it was 3 days or 3 years of sex. If you find out from the polygraph that she's been withholding information you will expose her immediately (without warning her).

- if during the next year, you even think she's in contact with the OM you will (without first informing her) contact his wife. So your wife should check in daily and prove to you that she's not cheating again (yes use the word: again).

- she should be begging you for forgiveness and proving her love - not playing victim. The next time she talks like she's the victim, inform her that she has ten seconds to apologize to you and retract her words .... or you will contact the OM's wife (and your wife's family). And the 3 of you can hold a conference call.

- finally, you can also send a strong warning message to the POS OM (and your wife) by calling the OM's wife.

When she pick's up act surprised/laugh and say you dialed the wrong number. Chat with her to catch up ...ask her how her husband is and how you're grateful that he was such a good friend/mentor to your wife while you were away. IF the OM is present, don't hesitate to speak with the OM either - and thank him for being such a good friend to your wife while you were away. Tell the OM you'll thank him properly some day.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:51 PM, Friday, August 13th]

posts: 2452   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8683410
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 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 3:53 AM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

Hi

Its been 1 year since the d-day.I have not been able to forgive my WS as i think she is still in contact with AP. I have asked her repeatedly and always she has been replying that she has not spoken or msged although she had thought several times contacting AP as recently as in May 2021 on AP's bday.

Whenever i ask her about incidents of the affair, she repeats what she said on Dday and swears she is not in contact and that she don't have second phone. This usually ends in heated arguments.The polygraph can only take place after a year. We have agreed not to speak about affair till polygraph. She is willing to take polygraph but is visibly irritated and angry whenever its mentioned.WS says she wants to take polygraph as it will clarify that they didn't have any sexual intercourse ( she admitted to couple of mins of oral sex in car)and that she has not contacted AP after D day.

To avoid arguments, i have told her that i will minimize communication with her till polygraph. We are not msging or chatting much, get in touch only for matters related to kids or imp stuff.

In july when i was visiting wife and kids, she handed me a neck pendant given by AP. Last year, I had made her throw all gifts AP had given her. I asked how she still has it.She said that she had thrown the pendant box last year assuming pendant was inside the box. But then later found that it was in jewellery box, saw it this year and wanted to give me so i can throw it. This baffled me. Was she hiding it. Why it took a year to find out that it was not discarded and when she found out , she could have thrown it herself?

Another recent flashpoint was when i asked her meeting with AP on her bday in 2020. She had gone to meet AP to give him a cake. They met and on her insistence they went for a 20 min drive and while returning he bought her a sandwich. They both did not have any physical contact , even no handshake. I told her it was her bday and definitely AP would have wished her and there is a high chance of him shaking hands while wishing or a kiss as she was in love with him. She said that they just talked during the drive and there was zero physical contact.I find it hard to believe.

I told her that i find it hard to believe her stories , about meeting AP on her bday and on their first date. So i have minimized talking with her to avoid never ending argumebta and to make her realize that she cannot escape polygraph and she will have to tell truth one day.

Can WS repeatedly tell lies that they are not in contact or about the meeting even when they know they have to face polygraph..Why is she not showing any fear about polygraph but wants a few months of time for herself after polygraph. She says she wants to process the trauma since Dday.

[This message edited by Sky706 at 1:12 PM, Thursday, August 26th]

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8685519
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 4:12 AM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

I know you're in a tight bind since you're fully dependent on your wife right now. Since she won't budge, you just have to live with it until you can finish up your master's degree. Once you have established yourself then that's the time to be fully confrontational because right now, even if you want to, you can't.

There's a strong possibility that the affair is still in progress. Based on your statements, they constantly have the chance to continue. Nothing can stop them right now. You'll have to live with it for the meantime.

All the best!

posts: 398   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8685521
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 5:37 AM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

Can WS repeatedly tell lies that they are not in contact or about the meeting even when they know they have to face polygraph..Why is she not showing any fear about polygraph but wants a few months of time for herself after polygraph.

My WH successful stuck to his story for almost two decades until a misplaced, forgotten, USB blew the lid on his serial cheating ways. A SI member WH stuck to his story until death, only afterwards was his infidelity lies uncovered. So yes, lying is rather easy for these people, if a story is simply enough they can run with it until proven otherwise.

As for the pending poly her attitude suggests she thinks you're going to drop it in time, if you stop speaking about it no doubt she will lash out down the track when you do because she is betting given enough time you will not follow through with it, out of sight out of mind type of deal.

She says she wants to process the trauma since Dday.


shocked
Wait... huh? SHE feels she is traumatized by her adultery??
WOW... just wow
That's some next level emotional manipulation there.

As for the "quick" oral sex, there has never been a case that I have read where it was "just oral". If there was enough time for lips to touch genitals then there was time for genitals to touch genitals.

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 218   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8685527
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 1:21 PM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

To put it simply, R requires rebuilding of trust and it’s not happening here.

From what you write, she is blame shifting, rug sweeping and continuously lying.

You should reconsider why you are torturing yourself and doing backflips to keep this relationship alive.

If you wife was committed to R, she would take the first flight to your location and do the poly.

Please understand that the onus is on her to fix herself, become a trustworthy partner and prove it to you.

Your job is to heal from the trauma she has inflicted upon you and decide if she has sufficiently changed and became a safe partner

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1477   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8685544
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 2:40 PM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

From experience on this forum, it's not unusual for a cheater to bluff right up until they park the car at the polygraph test site. It's called a parking lot confession. Why? because she's in denial that the polygraph will occur.

Alternatively she may:

1 - take a medication that increases her ability to lie without detection

2 - or simply say the test results were not 100% accurate

In the interim:

1 - You have a lot of power simply by picking up the phone in front of her and dialing the OBS's number. When she picks up ...tell her to thank her husband for the gifts (and list them) and request that she ask her husband to stop sending your wife gifts on her B-day.

Let that POS explain that to his wife. It won't get your wife fired but it will make the OM uncomfortable.

2 - Remind your wife that if she fails the polygraph you will notify her family and the OBS immediately with no further discussion.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 2:41 PM, Thursday, August 26th]

posts: 2452   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8685553
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