Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
I thought we were in good relationship, then I found wife cheati

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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 2:05 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

Who is the OM? Is he a dentist or other licensed professional? Is he married?

As you collect and document evidence of their affair save it where your wife can't destroy it. Evidence is very useful.

The fact that the OM left the country suggests two things:

1 - he wasn't interested in her long term as a life partner. Why? for starters she's a cheater and has 3 kids so what does she offer him? He knows he can do better.

2 - he enjoys flirting with her online (and keeping the door open for meeting her face to face again some day.

3 - keeping their affair alive is easy for him, requires little time, emotional energy, or money.

Finally, what does the above mean?

IMO it wouldn't take much to drive the OM away. He basically dumped her. She's chasing him. He has no emotional or other investment in a relationship with your wife.

Among other things to save your marriage you can notify the OM that any further contact of any kind (including just you being suspicious) will result in you exposing their affair. And there will not be a second warning.

Exposure (to past and current employer as well as coworkers) not just for today but you will make sure every future woman he dates is aware of his complicity in adultery and destruction of a family with 3 kids.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:09 AM, June 21st (Monday)]

posts: 2452   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8668675
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 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 6:36 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

@Robert22205https WS has told me that she had feelings for him, but he don't have any feelings for her. Both of them know they don't have a future together and both says ( as said by WS ) they don't want to wreck families.

I was away from WS 2 years now. First in 2016 to 2017 and 2019 to 2021. During covid in 2020 I had gone home.We became distant 2017 onwards, that was when OM joined. It may not be right to assume. WS says it was a mistake from her side and it was one off meeting which I'm willing to accept. What brought about doubt in me was they being online after both agreed to part ways. WS has deep emotional feelings so her was mainly emotional and unverified physical. She didn't want to forget him. After their trip, next day OM sent msg saying " we can be good friends" to which WS replied that she is not interested just as friends. One reason they could be continuing as long distance affair doesn't benefit may be to make sure OM's wife do not come to know. That will surely break their relation and OM wife may enquire with mutual colleagues which may cause WS to lose her job.So I have not attempted that.

It's difficult to speculate how affair would have started and what exactly happened, only way for me to know is with a full disclosure from WS. OM is a dentist.

WS swears she is NC, but I'm sure they are discreetly communicating.

Since she's lying, I can't believe a word and that puts me in a difficult situation. If its just one off meeting, I'm ready to reconcile ,otherwise difficult to forgive her. Yes WS was chasing him. Then why she said from 2017 onwards he is a flirt and she stays away from him. Did they start affair then ? When I said let me go to US for studies, without any discussion WS said that's a good idea. I was surprised by her reaction as she is dependent on me for everything wrt banking, vehicle, kids, house hold. So many questions. I thought we had a good life and suddenly to know that 15 years have been not what I expected is heart breaking. I'm taking it slowly as I'm graduating in Dec. I'll inform about polygraph and after my graduation will plan for that so that I don't jeopardize my studies. And she supports me for my studies.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8668735
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 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 6:47 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

[This message edited by Sky706 at 2:42 PM, June 21st (Monday)]

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8668738
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 9:28 AM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

So sad this is happening to you right now.
It appears that your WS is still gaslighting you and she might still be communicating with OM? And based from your story, it's your WS who's chasing after OM. That's so emasculating.
Your WS tells you one thing but on the background she's doing another thing. And she didn't fully disclose everything about their A.

Is there a way for you to contact OBS? She should know that this A has been going on for a while and she might be able to find something on her end that you can't find since your WS is not fully cooperating.

All the best!

posts: 398   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8668838
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 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 9:52 AM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

@beb252 I thought of contacting OM's spouse. But it's going to land WS in trouble at her job. She has a good job and it's going to affect our family's finances as I'm not working. OM can manipulate his spouse and she may support him. Infact OM spouse saw a 'hi' message from wS to OM and had some doubts. But OM asked his and WS mutual friend to help and the mutual friend who's WS colleague and best friend to tell OM wife that they are good friends. I don't think others know of affair, they think they are good friends.

It may become messy and I don't want to handle that. My view is as WS was driving the affair after OM left for Canada, she has to stop it herself which will show her commitment to marriage.If she is continuing the affair or if its proven that it was not a one meeting relationship, then its a deal breaker and she has to handle the consequences of divorce. I am prepared for that.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8669070
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 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 9:52 AM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

@beb252 I thought of contacting OM's spouse. But it's going to land WS in trouble at her job. She has a good job and it's going to affect our family's finances as I'm not working. OM can manipulate his spouse and she may support him. Infact OM spouse saw a 'hi' message from wS to OM and had some doubts. But OM asked his and WS mutual friend to help and the mutual friend who's WS colleague and best friend to tell OM wife that they are good friends. I don't think others know of affair, they think they are good friends.

It may become messy and I don't want to handle that. My view is as WS was driving the affair after OM left for Canada, she has to stop it herself which will show her commitment to marriage.If she is continuing the affair or if its proven that it was not a one meeting relationship, then its a deal breaker and she has to handle the consequences of divorce. I am prepared for that.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8669071
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 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 9:52 AM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

@beb252 I thought of contacting OM's spouse. But it's going to land WS in trouble at her job. She has a good job and it's going to affect our family's finances as I'm not working. OM can manipulate his spouse and she may support him. Infact OM spouse saw a 'hi' message from wS to OM and had some doubts. But OM asked his and WS mutual friend to help and the mutual friend who's WS colleague and best friend to tell OM wife that they are good friends. I don't think others know of affair, they think they are good friends.

It may become messy and I don't want to handle that. My view is as WS was driving the affair after OM left for Canada, she has to stop it herself which will show her commitment to marriage.If she is continuing the affair or if its proven that it was not a one meeting relationship, then its a deal breaker and she has to handle the consequences of divorce. I am prepared for that.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8669072
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 9:57 AM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Thank you!
This gives a lot of light to your story. OM and WS are both the breadwinners for both families. That is why they act like that. They can do what they want.
You're in a tough predicament, my brother. It's either you bite your tongue for the time being or you get out and risk it all.

posts: 398   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8669074
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 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 10:16 AM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

@beb252 OM wife is a doctor and she makes more money than OM. I think wS is using a second phone or sim but she has denied it. I have been unable to find it. I cannot check her work place. I have wasted a lot of time snooping around , worrying about her A. I can't think of trauma kids has to go through if it's leads to divorce and I'm not ready for it this year. I thought ill focus on my studies for few months. Everytime we discuss A she has been able to convince me that she has stopped A, so I have been oscillating between believing she has stopped and convinced that it's going on.

That's why I thought to avoid arguing.I'll get timeline of A from WS and discuss about poly test. And see how it unfolds....

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8669078
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 10:22 AM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

I really feel sorry for you, bro. This is a very tough predicament you're in.
Wait for the poly test then. Also, if possible, wait for another year until you finish up your studies and find a more suitable job for you.
All the best!

posts: 398   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8669079
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 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 3:50 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

Update: I reached home ( dubai) from USA yesterday,and will stay for a month. My wife has denied that she is in contact with AP and asked me to prove if i believe she is in contact..Today i discussed with her and asked whether there is any change in the timeline she gave in writing last year. She said its correct as she has not chat with AP after that.

Then i said i cant trust you fully and only way for me to regain trust is you taking a polygraph test. She looked shocked but she immediately said she can do it ( said twice ). Then in seconds she became angry and asked how i can be so cruel.she went to her room. i was completing my work on laptop, she came after 10 minutes and said why am i doubting her.she is saying truth. I told her i can clear my doubts only if she goes for poly.

Then in bedroom, she started crying, saying im torturing her, and why im not believing her in spite of her saying truth 1000 times. I said unfortunately i have trouble believing her and this is only way to reconcile. This continued for 2 hours. All the time she was crying because i dont trust her and she vowed to prove herself and said after proving she wont stay with me as she cannot stay with someone who donot trust her. I didnt tried to console her or anything and said that im not going to discuss this again. We will settle the whole issue with poly.in morning also she said she is telling truth and said she will take poly.the only problem is we have to wait a year as we are not comfortable doing in UAE.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8674676
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 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 3:52 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

Update: I reached home ( dubai) from USA yesterday,and will stay for a month. My wife has denied that she is in contact with AP and asked me to prove if i believe she is in contact..Today i discussed with her and asked whether there is any change in the timeline she gave in writing last year. She said its correct as she has not chat with AP after that.

Then i said i cant trust you fully and only way for me to regain trust is you taking a polygraph test. She looked shocked but she immediately said she can do it ( said twice ). Then in seconds she became angry and asked how i can be so cruel.she went to her room. i was completing my work on laptop, she came after 10 minutes and said why am i doubting her.she is saying truth. I told her i can clear my doubts only if she goes for poly.

Then in bedroom, she started crying, saying im torturing her, and why im not believing her in spite of her saying truth 1000 times. I said unfortunately i have trouble believing her and this is only way to reconcile. This continued for 2 hours. All the time she was crying because i dont trust her and she vowed to prove herself and said after proving she wont stay with me as she cannot stay with someone who donot trust her. I didnt tried to console her or anything and said that im not going to discuss this again. We will settle the whole issue with poly.in morning also she said she is telling truth and said she will take poly.the only problem is we have to wait a year as polygraph tests are not common in UAE.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8674677
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 4:40 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

Not good signs from her. There seems to be more.

She tried to manipulate you and you didn't buy it. Keep doing. She seems ready to use all her tears for this. Love and sex bombings may come next.

posts: 564   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8674684
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 5:30 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

Why would she cry about polygraph test if she claims she told the truth 1000 times?

posts: 398   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8674690
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 5:30 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

My wife has denied that she is in contact with AP and asked me to prove if i believe she is in contact.

Please note: The onus of proof ALWAYS falls on the WS, not the BS.

All the time she was crying because i dont trust her and she vowed to prove herself and said after proving she wont stay with me as she cannot stay with someone who donot trust her.

Your WS is playing chicken with you.

She is daring you to take her up on this, as she is confident that you will not proceed due to your love for her. She is hoping that your love for her will make you chicken out, and not take her up on this, as the consequence is that it is a deal-breaker for her.

My advice, call her on her dare. You will see this being posted on other threads; 'You have to be willing to lose your M, for a chance at saving it.'

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 908   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8674691
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 5:52 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

I'm sorry you are in this predicament. Cheaters are a different breed of people. She agreed to the polygraph in hopes that her willingness to fo it would convince you that it was not needed. Good job sticking to the plan.

So things will probably unfold like this, because, well, they generally always do.

You will schedule the poly. She will protest in every way, shape, and form that it is insulting. You might want to remind her that having another man's cock in her mouth is also insulting, and as she found a way to get through that, you gave no doubt she will be able to shoulder this as well.

You will get a parking lit confession, just before the polygraph appointment. No doubt she has researched what to say. She has carefully thought out how to confess just enough to convince you that she is finally telling the truth, but not enough for you to divorce her. At this point, she will say, well, I guess there is no need for the polygraph. Stick to your guns.

When she fails the polygraph, and she wi probably fail it spectacularly, she will have every excuse in the book waiting to justify it. Stick to your guns.

At this point, you should step back and gather yourself. Allow time to process and let her stew in her betrayal. Let her feel the full weight of it. You, and only you control the narrative. Show strength and resolve no matter what.

One last point. Dont tell her whe the poly is. She might have gotten some medications which will help her cheat the test. Look for pill bottles, etc, that she may be hiding. Also, check the history on her devices for how to fool a polygraph. She is fighting for her very survival, so nothing is off limits to her.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1136   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8674694
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rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 9:40 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

She's lying through her teeth. Her reaction to the poly request all but proves it.

I have yet to see even one case on any forum that the emotional response, crying, denying, and all that why don't trust me ever turned out to be the truth. Not once. It always indicated there was much more than was already said. In some cases the poly exposed what was denied on the lives of the children.

Prepare yourself for the "parking lot" confession. She'll try to tell you more, the parts she knows she can't pass.

Don't give her any heads up on any question you might ask. Please lookup BeyondRage and his story. He's legendary on how he dealt with his cheating wife and pushed the polygraph, relentlessly, from the beginning.

Also take the advice of the previous poster on the tips about trying to see if she's trying to beat the test.

In her case, she was so visceral in her response since she knows she can't beat it, at least in her mind. That is a huge advantage for the test.

If you care about all this, pursue it relentlessly and do your best to preserve the element of surprise. Be prepared to find out things you wish you didn't know.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 982   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8674708
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 11:30 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

It appears she's lying and has been in contact with the OM. You can't trust her because she's been deceitful in the past with the OM; and it will take years for her to rebuild your trust with the OM.

Inform her that a confession today will build a stronger marriage.

That 'we' can't fix what we don't acknowledge. That truth and honesty are the foundation of marriage.

If she's been in contact with the OM (in anyway or by any means); or there was more sexual contact than she previously admitted to - then she needs to confess now.

Inform her that an immediate confession will make it more difficult to R but you are willing to try.

However, if she fails the polygraph, then you guarantee divorce (and public exposure).

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 5:31 AM, July 12th (Monday)]

posts: 2452   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8674712
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 12:19 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

why im not believing her in spite of her saying truth 1000 times.

All she has to do is tell the truth 1001th time

Just to be clear here: she’s ly8ng to you

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1477   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8674722
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 1:36 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

Is your marriage governed by Sharia law?

Keep it simple for now. Don't accuse her of lying in all situations or chasing every man.

However, based on her behavior with the OM, you can no longer accept her word or promise with respect to this particular man.

Therefore, your wife has no right to be insulted because she brought the necessity of a polygraph on herself.

Now she must prove no contact; and that she never kissed him (or had intercourse) with him prior to that last day.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 7:45 AM, July 12th (Monday)]

posts: 2452   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
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