Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
I thought we were in good relationship, then I found wife cheati

default

 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 3:01 AM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

Thank you beb252, LostInHisFog, ShutterHappy ,Robert22205https for your reply and others who have helped me with feedback.

I think after a year finally im coming out of denial and anger.

Now i dont chat to WS often and only discuss things in a formal way. And she is also comfortable with that. Probably she is happy that i dont take her time.. I think she is still in touch with OM. If thats what she wishes, then let her continue. I cannot intervene now as i have to concentrate on my studies and life.This is a crucial time for me and my last one year was terrible. Time is valuable. So let the relationship maintain status quo till the poly.I will take a decision after i get a job and may or may not wait for poly. Her affair and behavior after d day is sufficient to initiate divorce. Its complicated as we have 3 kids , 2 of them need special care. So getting a job should help me to take right decision.

I have loved WS more than myself. She was a successful,confident, trustworthy person in my eyes. Never imagined that my wife would have an affair. An affair was always a deal breaker for me and if i had a job and was without kids , i would have walked away on d day. I never thought that people can continously lie and profess love and commitment at the same time.But now i realize that some people will continously lie to satisfy their ego and selfishness.I have lost the love for her which is a good thing, that will help me to take control of my life.

The book no more mr nice guy was helpful. I was always supporting her. Even helping her with her studies and work ( making presentations for her) guiding my kids studies. She never had to worry about school fees, utlities, other bills, car and shopping. Of course after i came to US she is doing everything and for 1 year she struggled with it but now she is got used to it.But still relies on me when im around.The kids are more open with me with their issue and thats why she needs me , for kids.

I have been going through her disclosure and frankly her stories dont make any sense. Its half truth. Frankly i dont expect she will say truth unless something is revealed by polygraph.

So i will continue minimal contact with WS, focus on myself, career and take a decisión after poly.

[This message edited by Sky706 at 6:24 AM, Monday, August 30th]

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8686172
default

beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 11:18 AM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

I have lost the love for her which is a good thing, that will help me to take control of my life.

For now just sit down and watch. Once she realize what she'll be losing, she'll come back, but it may be over by then. She's still in the affair fog. Once everything settles down and she's got nowhere to go, she'll be left in the dust. The OM is married and it's highly unlikely that he will live his wife for your WW. He's only in it for the thrill. There's a big difference in having sex with a married woman than leaving your wife for that married woman.

Keep calm, focus on your studies, focus on yourself. You've only thought about her well-being for the longest time, it's time to focus on yourself.

All the best!

[This message edited by beb252 at 11:24 AM, Monday, August 30th]

posts: 398   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8686193
default

 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 4:37 PM on Saturday, September 25th, 2021

Whenever i talk to my WS, i ask about the affair as im still looking for answers.My WS has maintained the same story she disclosed on d day and since then ( a year), she has not provided any new info. Whenever i ask her about affair, she gets irritated and complains of stress leading to body pain. She blames me for spoiling her days and told me that as we had agreed earlier, we should not discuss about affair till poly.

To take a break from all of these, i decided to go NC and have been communicating very less, mainly to talk to kids. I think WS is happy now that i don't contact her, because she's also gone NC. I reply to her in short words when she msg. She is gone cold. For me , it means that she is not ready to work towards marriage or her ego is stopping her to be humble. Im just intrigued by her behavior. If i were the Unfaithful spouse, i would have initiated conversation daily even if there was no response.

Anyways, i feel that she is totally detached from me and is only interested to remain married to show the society , family and for kids.
The reconciliation looks difficult without her disclosing everything and her unapologetic behavior is not helping.

Right now, i feel polygraph is not required as im more inclined towards a divorce after my graduation. I have stopped smoking and liquor to focus on my health. I'm seeing a psychiatrist next week to help me get through this
difficult time.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8690195
default

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 8:41 PM on Saturday, September 25th, 2021

Whenever i talk to my WS, i ask about the affair as im still looking for answers.My WS has maintained the same story she disclosed on d day and since then ( a year), she has not provided any new info. Whenever i ask her about affair, she gets irritated and complains of stress leading to body pain. She blames me for spoiling her days and told me that as we had agreed earlier, we should not discuss about affair till poly.

All cheaters lie hide and deny. You know the truth, all you’re doing is wasting your time.

Your wayward is focused on her other man now with you conveniently out of the way.

There is no marriage to work on. All your doing at this time is keeping yourself in limbo. What purpose is that service you?

Actions are all that count. Your words mean nothing.

Just because you love her doesn’t mean a thing. Her actions tell you that.

[This message edited by Marz at 12:50 AM, Monday, September 27th]

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8690219
default

beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 9:45 PM on Saturday, September 25th, 2021

Sky,

Right now you have to admit to yourself that the marriage is over. She never owned up to her infidelity. She never admits to anything. Her continued denial is a proof.

Yes, you have to focus on your well-being now. Focus on finishing up your master's. Continue with LC because she's no longer your wife. She is now someone else's mistress whether you like it or not.

All the best!

posts: 398   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8690223
default

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 11:27 PM on Saturday, September 25th, 2021

If i were the Unfaithful spouse, i would have initiated conversation daily even if there was no response.

No, you would do that if you wanted to save your marriage. Otherwise, the less contact she has with you, the better for her. We can't say for sure if she's still in contact with her AP, but she certainly doesn't like being in contact with you. Your thoughts on your situation seems right. There's no need for the polygraph either, since she doesn't seem willing to R.

posts: 564   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8690232
default

Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 11:42 PM on Saturday, September 25th, 2021

Thanks for checking in. I agree your priority is to finish your last year of training so you can be financially independent of her.

Your time will come. Your wife appears to be in denial that she committed adultery (and destroyed her marriage) and constantly abuses you with neglect.

Both your wife and the OM have much to lose upon exposure. IMO, once you have a job, expose them both and file for divorce at the same time. Send her back to her parents as damaged goods.

In the interim, focus on making yourself the best version of 'you' possible (e.g., grooming, workout trim down, eat healthy, stay mentally strong).

posts: 2452   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8690235
default

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 5:02 PM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

The reconciliation looks difficult without her disclosing everything and her unapologetic behavior is not helping.

What reconciliation ? right now your M is a sham and you should act accordingly, you have an unremorseful WW who's not even regretful and doesn't want to have much contact with you, end this farce of a M and file for D, and expose her with ALL family and close friends, if full exposure and D papers don't shock her back to reality then nothing will, and if so just let D run its course and get out of infidelity.

posts: 2473   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8690314
default

 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 6:10 PM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

Yes, what you guys said makes sense. She is absolutely not interested in reconciliation and acts as if she is the betrayed. I know the truth but finding it difficult to acknowledge that people can change so much.Unfortunately i cannot do anything at least for a year as im studying and is dependant on her.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8690320
default

beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 10:34 PM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

Sky,

Now you have to accept that the marriage is over. You'll just have to focus on yourself moving forward. You need to finish up that master's and then figure out a way to D after you find a suitable job. If you can gather all the evidences you can get then use it against her in your D proceedings. I believe Dubai has a more restrictive laws. You may use that against her and her AP if possible. For now, don't tell her your plans, just do low contact and 180.

She's not worth all the efforts but you need her for one more year.

All the best!

posts: 398   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8690355
default

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:24 AM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Use this time to get yourself set up post divorce in a year’s time. Reinforce your family snd social networks and make any preparations recommended by a lawyer.

posts: 176   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8690366
default

 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 2:57 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Although I was sure that WS is still in contact with OM, it was never 100%. I have been following their online activities and I knew they were still in contact, but my wife always ask me about proof and they were never online together. Last week I was convinced that they are still in contact when my wife gave the phone to my son during a chat and went to her room. That's when his WhatsApp became online and it went offline when she came back to our chat. This also proves that she has another phone which may have a sim or not. You don't need a sim to use WhatsApp or FB once it's activated. I was shattered when I realized this. I thought I had overcome the grief and pain and was implementing 180 effectively. She is gaslighting and has been lying at my face. In fact, sometimes she says, "don't doubt me". After D Day, she has been lying for a year now. She had agreed to a polygraph but I don't think that's necessary here.

I have to wait till next august to initiate divorce as I'm in graduate school. My 9 yr old son is with me in the US.

After realizing that she has been cheating past year, I cant concentrate on anything. I don't have anyone to talk to.

Knowing I need to keep this under wrap for a year more is unimaginable.It's difficult to hide my anger when I know WS and OM , they are fooling me behind my back and my WS gaslighting me and acting as if she is not doing anything wrong.

What are my options:

1. To act nice to spouse till I get a job and then file for divorce

2. WS is scared of me telling her mom as it will tarnish the image she has. So I tell her mom which means my WS will be hostile towards me. But her parents won't think I'm opportunistic if I am to tell them next year after graduating (my wife has been supporting my education)

3. Tell her mom and indicate that ill be filing for divorce. Ask them to put our joint property on sale (this is being managed by her parents).

The only thing I have to be worried about is whether she will stop supporting me. I don't think she will do it as our son who has autism is with me in the US and is undergoing therapy now. As she wants to remain married, she may not do it hoping ill change my decision ( if I use 3rd option) and she thinks as I'm very close to my kids I may not actually implement divorce.

[This message edited by Sky706 at 3:17 PM, Monday, October 18th]

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8693804
default

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 4:20 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

What you need is to talk to a D lawyer immediately to know your legal options, since your WS is the one supporting you and your children financially, you´re likely entitled to child support, spousal support and of course half the equity in your property, all these could help you get through the next year until you graduate and find a job, so again contact at least 3 attorneys, the first consultation is often free and it also typically prevents your WS from using the same attorneys.

posts: 2473   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8693813
default

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:29 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Last week I was convinced that they are still in contact when my wife gave the phone to my son during a chat and went to her room. That's when his WhatsApp became online and it went offline when she came back to our chat. This also proves that she has another phone which may have a sim or not. You don't need a sim to use WhatsApp or FB once it's activated. I was shattered when I realized this.

Stay out of denial and hopium. All that’s doing is keeping you bound.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:19 PM, Monday, October 18th]

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8693815
default

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 11:01 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

No, they aren't fooling you, they think they are fooling you.

Actually, you make fools of them. Play their game and stop when you graduate and get a job.

You know the end of the game, but those idiots don't.

posts: 564   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8693886
default

Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 10:34 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

The OM has much to lose - and I doubt he loves or wants to marry your wife. Just casting a shadow on his behavior or having his wife question him should scare him off.

I bet your wife isn't the only woman he flirts with online. And I bet the OM's wife is already suspicious.

Talk with or email the OM's wife. Share enough information so that she's concerned but not enough for her to destroy your wife and her husband's career.

Minimize their affair. Inform her that your wife appears to have a school girl crush on her husband that you believe had been resolved when he left the country.

However, inform her that you recently caught/observed with your own eyes your wife using a secret second phone to message her husband on WhatsApp.

Inform her that it may be harmless chat but you don't think married people should engage in secret messaging behind their spouse's back.

And you think she would want to know about the secret messaging.

And inform her parents of what appears to be inappropriate secretive texting with the OM. That way they won't be blindsided when you file for D.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 10:42 PM, Wednesday, October 20th]

posts: 2452   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8694240
default

 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 12:37 AM on Thursday, October 21st, 2021

@Robert22205https

My wife works in UAE, middle east. The workplace is conservative. The OM wife has contact with my wife'sm colleagues and its likely that she will try to verify the affair with my wife's colleagues after i disclose to OM wife. Although her colleagues don't know about the affair, such a talk can lead to my wife losing her job. I cannot tell OM wife at least for a year.

Her affair was a big shock which i have not overcome.The knowledge that she's still in contact makes reconciliation very difficult. She often says she is not chatting and always ask me not to doubt her. But she is always lying and always in touch with OM implying that their relationship is very deep.

[This message edited by Sky706 at 3:11 AM, Thursday, October 21st]

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8694265
default

OrdinaryDude ( member #55676) posted at 3:23 AM on Thursday, October 21st, 2021

Reconciliation should be far from consideration at this point.

D is your best path to healing going forward.

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3391   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: The Big Easy
id 8694275
default

 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 7:31 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

I have been doing 180. WS has been acting weird. Shes complaining that i don't listen to her or talk to her to which i replied that i want space and time to process my emotions. She's been provoking me saying that im not doing enough to solve this. I told her that u have to tell everything and i believe that u have been hiding and minimizing and u have to reveal everything. I know she is still in touch with OM but she maintains that she has not talked since d day. I told her to give me a proper timeline and then ill decide how to proceed. Everytime she reiterates that she's told everything and nothing more to say. Why is she still hiding and minimizing although she says she wants to save the marriage. She has been telling that she has tendency to suicide and since she's threatening with suicide i told her mom. Her mom initially tried to rugsweep saying since ap is in different country now the affair is over. WS donot know that i have told her mother. Looks like she will deny her contact with AP after dday. How to proceed.i have told clearly that ill take decision in feb. She has been accusing me saying that i have used her to reach where im now and she says she is doing enough to solve this. How can i solve this when she says shes not in touch with AP when she's.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8699994
default

nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 7:47 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Sky, you can't solve this. You can only respond to it. Of course she's not doing enough. All she's done is argue with you. Does that seem like enough to you? So when she says she is doing enough, ignore her or prepare some stock responses like, "Well, it's not enough for me. Do the timeline and then we can talk." Stick to the 180.

Avoiding the timeline is a big, red flag that she's still lying. If she's told you everything then great! The timeline should take her an afternoon and potentially confirm some of the things she's said. But she's not jumping at the chance. Probably because a timeline is actually quite difficult to make if she's still lying. She's not going to be able to keep straight what you've found, what she's denied, and what she's already told you. She's not doing it because she knows she will likely contradict something she said earlier or reveal something more thinking you already know it. So why risk it?

February is only a couple of months away. Stay the course and don't change what you're doing unless she changes what she's doing.

posts: 5072   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8699998
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20211202 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy