Wife had an affair in May 2020 with co worker , while Im in USA for my masters (2019-till date). Our relationship has gone from being a couple deeply in love to couple who can't see each other. WS has insisted that she has cut off all contacts with AP. But I was not convinced. she confessed her affair and I have the timeline. However she has minimized it to a one- day contact. I have been tracking their online activity and after a year of tracking I'm convinced that they are still chatting and she has another phone.She has not shown any remorse, blaming me for the affair, avoiding talking with excuses ( body pain,tired, no time,busy, gonna sleep). But she is chatting late nights and early morning.
I received advise from this group to focus on my studies and deal with it later as I'm dependent on her (no job, expenses of study,my son with stays with me ,so additional expenses).
For past 6 months I have not accused her of continuing relation with affair partner. This has made her relaxed and chatting with AP is very regular. I have maintained minimum contact , avoided romantic talks, not shown interest in her life and relationship is not all going great.
She blames me for not working towards a peaceful and healthy relationship and has totally moved away from discussing her affair.
Although affair is a deal breaker for me, I was ready to give her a chance considering I was away and what if AP manipulated her(her story is AP was relentlessly calling her and in one impulsive moment she told she can come for a drive and what happened in car was not planned and before it proceeded to becoming fully physical, she stopped it. She considers this as a proof of her character and her commitment to marrriage).
My request to her was to give me a full timeline because I don't believe her version of affair as a one time contact. But she has held her story she said on D-Day. Nothing has been added. I have lost hope of her telling the truth and she's not gonna stop the contact with AP.Her behavior shows she has checked out of marriage.The reason being she does not want to join me in US. Initially she proposed she will join in 2030, but wants elder son to join me next year.i insisted that all move at same time as I cannot look after 2 kids. The son who is with me has autism and It is not easy to look after him myself. Finally she agreed to join in 2026/2027 after I probed why she want to work in UAE for 8 years more and questioned her lack of desire to live as a family.She has mentioned she is just staying for kids. She has been accusing me of using her for my advancement( supporting my education) and calls me selfish and has mentioned that I am planning to leave her. She has accused me continuously of cheating in US.
My course is over. I am graduating next week and I got a job with start date in July or August. I'm happy now and eagerly looking forward to a career as behavior analyst. I plan to visit UAE in July. I want to initiate divorce proceedings then and plan to have a discussion with her.
The problem is the unpredictable nature as how it will go. She has been verbally abusive and couple of times hit me with heavy objects. I have always forgiven her because she was abused as a child. I can imagine her being hyper emotional, loud and angry.I think she has narcissistic personality disorder. I realized this after I took few quizzes and have been reading a lot about NPD.Whatever happens, I have to discuss divorce with her.
If I discuss with her in July, I will file for divorce in UAE and if she agrees then it can be done in 2 weeks.Most likely she will delay it. I will return to US in July and start my new job.
Other option is not to discuss in July, but discuss in December when I go to UAE again.By this time ,I would have rented a home , will have some savings. I don't have much cash in bank as we had jointly invested most of our savings in our home and in land.
As one of our son is with me in US. I reckon I will need some financial support initially while moving to a new city. If I initiate divorce she may stop that. But there's the possibility of court ordering her to give support for me and son for couple of months.
I have 3 boys and we have great relationship.I would like to discuss this in July but want to know w your views.
Me and wife married for 15 years. We had supported each other during our difficult times so had mutual respect and great love. Life's been good. I'm an engineer and she is a dentist. Our first son was diagnosed with adhd and since then life has been chaotic. Everything seems to be falling in place , then I lost my job due to internal politics at office. While I was searching for job , our third was born. After few months , second one at 4 years was diagnosed with autism. That was a shock for both of us. Then I decided not to work and took him to my home country ( we are settled in dubai). Gave him speech and occupational therapy for a year and he became verbal. Came back to dubai but he had behavioral issues and we were focused on getting him best treatment. As aba is not great in dubai, and Autism being a lifelong issue, I decided to study behavioral therapy in US, I came to US in 2019. My son joined me in 2021 and he's attending school and starting his therapy. In 2017 when I came back from home country back to dubai, felt there was a distance between us. She is hardworking and one of top performer so always very tired due to work. I was with my son 24/7 and was exhausted and worried about his future.we had frequent fights but had the respect for each other. She has short temper resulting in throwing things, violent outbursts. She only encouraged to go to US and study. I was supposed to go for vacation in March 2020 but covid delayed it to july9. I reached dubai and everything was OK. Next day she said I'm a
like God to her and she is my devotee and devotees worship God but won't have sex with them. It made me think but I left it soon. On July 24, I saw her whatsapp messages to her ex colleague who left for Canada in June 2020. It was just hi hello but 6 msg in 5 hrs without a reply. I had doubt. I connected her account to desktop and monitored next day. They were chatting and she said her life is a mess and gave kisses. I asked her next morning, showed her messages. She said during his last days she saw a dream that he hugged her. She said to him .they were friends. After she said dream, he started calling her continously for a drive. Then finally in a chat he said I love u and she said same. Next day she took her alloted 3 hrs break and went to a hilltop for drive. They went there holding hands, kissed and she said she did oral sex for couple of minutes. But did not complete and they came back and then saw him once after 15 days and that's it. But messaged after he went to Canada. I said I forgive her.she said she stopped with AP. Then I made a fake account in his name and chat with her. Her messages indicated that she will always love him and had equal love for him. I asked her why she chat again when she promised that she will inform me if he contacts. She sent a message to him saying it's over telling I'm with her and asked sorry to him. But something was fishy. I tracked their whatsapp numbers and he was online when she was awake or according to her schedule. She has alternating shifts. I asked her but she dismisses that. It's been a year but I can't forget the incident and can't forgive. I still track whatsapp and both of them are online similar time. Hes online and then after he's offline she's online. So I doubt she has second whatsapp on a second phone. She says he has friends in clinic but his activity closely matches her. When he's online she's missing even if I message. She shows no remorse and only when I say about incident she will say sorry.the relationship is very bad now. I had therapy but I can't imagine why she did this when I was in US and she had 3 kids 2 being special. The AP she says is a flirt and always told me that she avoids him. She says he was caring towards her , came with her to Dr when she had chest pain and because of such incidents she felt close.He manipulated her and she was stupid to go for the drive.thats was just one day. I'm confused whether someone will initiate ( she did ) oral on first date and on way back he offered to buy a phone. Next day as seen from her message , he said they can be good friends but she said she don't need just friendship. I got from her phone. I'm convinced they are chatting but denies it and ask me for proof. Now I may work in US for few years. She says she won't leave her job as she is passionate about it and don't want to sit idle in US. she is accusing me of harassing and torturing her with asking questions. We are not talking each other. Don't know whether her story is true?
[This message edited by Sky706 at 2:57 AM, Monday, May 9th]