SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She's been provoking me saying that im not doing enough to solve this.

You can return back the same statement to her. Her stepping out of your marriage and continue to be in communication with her AP despite continuous pleading not to. She was the sole reason your marriage failed. Yes, failed. Past tense. Your marriage was over the moment she put POSOM's D.... in her mouth or whatever else they did that she continues to downplay.

In order to start R she should have been truthful from the start but it seems she's finding more ways to be discreet and continues to be in communication with her AP.

No, you didn't use her for your career growth. It's only fitting to help each other in marriage but it seems she's only seeing one way on lots of things.

As what I've said from my previous replies, continue to focus on getting that master's. That's your future. From what I see, she's not part of it.

She's been provoking me saying that im not doing enough to solve this.

Can she elaborate on what YOU can do to make her not have affairs?

What does she think YOU can do to "solve" this?

What does she see as a solution?

I'm sorry you're in this mess. You don't deserve this crap from her.

IMO this is manipulative and a power play on her part.

You can't control what your wife says but you can control your reaction to it.

Reply:

1 - "I'm sorry you feel that way but you have failed to prove to me that you're not in contact with the OM; and you have failed to prove to me that you are a safe life partner."

2 - Do not respond with anything else. Either say nothing (very powerful impact) and pretend you don't hear her; or respond with #1.

Any other reply gives her power over you and pulls you into her toxic/manipulative world. STOP playing her game.

FINALLY: Take your power back. Put her on the defensive.

Inform your wife that you saw the text etc and therefore know she's still in contact? The burden of proof is on her (not you).

Inform her mother that it is not over because she's still lying to everyone and texting him.

Does the mother live with her and help with the kids? Blow up your wife's toxic world. Consider taking a shot at the mother (since she wants to rugsweep) and remind her that she raised a liar and adulterer (and should be ashamed of her parenting).

You don't have to prove she's texting the OM. Under the circumstances (she's a liar and adulterer) she has to prove she's not.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 12:55 PM, Friday, November 26th]

How can i solve this when she says shes not in touch with AP when she's.

You don’t need to prove anything. You have made your decision… even if she wasn’t in touch with the AP, you could still D her.

It’s YOUR decision to make. She has no say in it.

Why do you want to wait until you get a job to D her? Ask your lawyer when is the best time to proceed and go from there.

You may not want to expose her at work, it might impact the alimony she would pay you… talk to your lawyer.

Basically you "solve" this by proceeding with your D. There’s no need to talk to her or her mother.

For Gods sake why are you waiting for polygraph???? Your wife is a dentist in UAE, she has a lot of money!!! Tell her to take a weak of from work,sit on a plane and come to USA and do the polygraph now!!! She can pay babysitter for kids or her mom can take care of them untill she gets back! Tell her that she must do this or you will call OM wife and tell her everything,and all the people in her job will know the truth! So then,you will see that she wont do it,becouse she is still lying to you. And then you start divorce! Money is just a excuse,you are intitled to support and alimony,so you will have the money even if you divorce now. So,what will you do? Are you going to do something to resolve your situation?

[This message edited by DjDjani at 5:55 PM, Thursday, December 23rd]

DjDj nailed it!!!

bump at op request

I saw your update on page 1 (above your first post). Just noting that so folks can see it and advise accordingly.

The one piece of advice I have for you is don't tell her about the D in person if she is going to physically harm you (or worse if she is that unhinged). Move out and have her served - any contact can be done through your attorney - NC her completely.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 2:28 PM, Monday, May 9th]

do not see cheating as a defense, but the situation of the wife is different from the women who cheat while her husband is sleeping next to her,

Your wife Under difficult circumstances, her marriage/work/child/family and financial matters are all her responsibility. You should also think about the pressure and fears this creates on her, there are posts in many forums that these issues cause great cracks in marriages.

her husband has gone abroad to study for years and the woman has to take care of the children staying at home, and alone. she cannot lose her job, cannot spare time for herself, if she talks to you, you may misunderstand.

Your wife must have incorporated om into their life as a support and safety net. om is a man with whom she can share her stress and problems.

You may be angry at me for writing these, but you must not deny them.

You may want a divorce, you don't even need a polygraph, a few years of mistrust between you and your wife has already made your relationship unrecoverable.

You stopped having sex with your wife, and not everyone agrees to suffer from sexual abstinence for several years. Did you have a relationship during this period?

You cheated on your wife in every meeting, admit it, her allegations are not the right approach, you don't listen to her, you don't even want to talk about her problems

Even if your wife has cut off contact with om, you will continue to exclude her, and she will have to get support from om again because you have moved away from marriage. maybe she started to be with another om. Your wife has also agreed that the marriage is unsustainable.

start work after education and work for a few months, start divorce when your money is comfortable.

If you wish, leave everything behind in silence. Text your wife for kids only.

@seaandsun
Spouse had a nanny and her mom had come to help her while I was away.

I didn't understand what you mean by the following sentences from your reply. especially "cheating on my wife in every meeting".
___-------____--------_____--------______-
You stopped having sex with your wife, and not everyone agrees to suffer from sexual abstinence for several years. Did you have a relationship during this period?

You cheated on your wife in every meeting, admit it, her allegations are not the right approach, you don't listen to her, you don't even want to talk about her problems

@seaandsun
Spouse had a nanny and her mom had come to help her while I was away.

I didn't understand what you mean by the following sentences from your reply. especially "cheating on my wife in every meeting".
___-------____--------_____--------______-
You stopped having sex with your wife, and not everyone agrees to suffer from sexual abstinence for several years. Did you have a relationship during this period?

You cheated on your wife in every meeting, admit it, her allegations are not the right approach, you don't listen to her, you don't even want to talk about her problems

There are very few absolutes in human behavior and interactions, so I hate singling out one post or one piece of advice as wrong or bad.

The above post from seaandsun is contrary to the advice and theories supported by nearly all contributors on SI.

It’s a basic theory that no matter what the affair is never "caused" by the betrayed spouse.
No matter what the reason – lack of interest, lack of sex, emotional distance, abuse or whatever is plaguing the marriage the decision to cheat is always a decision the wayward spouse reached, decides to commit to and then does. Even in drunken ONS or chance meetings of old flames. There is always that moment where the WS could back out, stop or decide not to cheat.

If the actions of a betrayed spouse were to create the conditions where the spouse could be expected to cheat then there is no way anyone could or should reconcile. After all – if the reason a spouse cheats is because the BS works on an oil-rig, travels for work, is too tired for sex or whatever – there is no way to prevent the spouse from having a reason and excuse to cheat even if the behavior is changed. Some other non-related and obscure action the BS does or does not do could therefore be used to initiate a new affair.

Sky - when you post on a public forum you get all sorts of replies. Some are possibly totally correct, some maybe total trash. The big issue is to read them all and evaluate into which group they fall.

Most will be somewhere in-between, hopefully more towards the correct side. A good indicator is if other posters are offering comparable advice. Even then if something speaks to you it makes sense to check previous contributions by that poster – even on other threads. If you like what they are sharing and it seems to bring results… then take note of what they share.

Problem is that sometimes we forget or don’t see the positive comments because of one or more negative comments. It’s human nature to focus on those that we feel hurt us. It’s like 10 people might want to shake your hand, but one refuses. We tend to focus on why that person refused, rather than why 10 others wanted to. That eleventh person might have a good reason, but if we cant find it withing a reasonable amount of time we should focus on the other ten. We don’t stop shaking hands simply because of the actions of one.

Sky,

There's an old myth/fable that a King once tasked his wisest councilors with finding a piece of advice that would apply to every situation. After a while, they finally came back with, "This too shall pass."

Well, on this forum, there is also a piece of advice that is universally true: "Pay close attention to whatever Bigger says, and give it careful contemplation, re-reading his posts as often as necessary."

This isn't quite saying that he's always right, as I'm sure he'd be the first person to admit. But he has a lot of wisdom, a lot of experience, and has seen a lot of people pass through these forums. He is careful in his replies, and is very quick to admit he is wrong on the few occasions where he is. He is a bit like an Elf in Tolkien's mythology: he listens, he asks a lot of questions, he's hesitant to give absolute advice, but if you listen to him, you become stronger and wiser.

My only contribution to this discussion is advice that I believe to be so true and so relevant to almost every case of infidelity that I sort of think that it should just be auto-posted as the first reply to every Just Found Out thread: Love is not necessary for a successful marriage, nor is love a sufficient factor to make a happy marriage.

I know multiple people of Indian/Pakistani decent in the tech industry who have arranged marriages. Some of them have found love within the marriage, but some of them haven't. Some of the ones that never have still have happy, rewarding lives and marriages: friendship, mutual respect, common goals, honesty, commitment, emotional support, and raising children together is more than an awful lot of people get out of their marriages, and love (at least romantic love) isn't a requirement to have those things.

In most cases, it's the other side of that coin that applies in cases of infidelity: love is not sufficient to make a marriage work. For example, if one person knows they need to raise a family in order to be fulfilled, and the other person knows that they would be bitter and resentful at needing to spend the enormous amount of time and energy it takes to raise children, then no amount of love will result in a happy marriage. They can pursue some other sort of relationship (hopefully not deceiving anyone else), but they're just not compatible for a marriage.

Fortunately, humans have the capacity to fall in love more than once. Passing up marriage to someone you love isn't consigning yourself to being alone forever or always having regrets. No matter how unlikely it might feel at the time, if you continue to try to be your best self, remain true to who you are, and allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to let other people in, it's pretty normal to fall in love with someone who would be a much better marriage partner.

In cases of infidelity, I believe that this is often the case when it comes to Trust. A lot of people could probably overcome the hurt that comes from sexual infidelity. What's harder to overcome is the lack of trust. If someone has lied to you (and presumably others) for an extended period of time, about one of the most important and fundamental things that matters to the person they supposedly (and may even actually) love, it's very hard to ever trust that person again. For myself, and for some other people as well, it is impossible to ever sufficiently regain trust in that situation.

Someone like myself could, under certain not altogether unlikely circumstances, forgive a one-night stand that's followed soon after by a confession, and rebuild trust in a reasonable amount of time. But I could never trust someone who carried out an ongoing affair, with all the lies, deceptions, and half-truths that are necessary to conduct an ongoing affair. I would argue that the only way to regain that trust is to have Faith, and make a conscious decision to discard the rational and evidence based probabilities. But in any event, whether my love was destroyed or lessened by the infidelity would not matter, at all. Because love isn't enough, and I could not be married to someone that I just fundamentally distrust. If I loved her a lot, or a little, or not at all-- it just doesn't factor in. It's like having an amazing meal waiting for you to eat, inside a luxurious and comfortable home, but the air isn't breathable: the quality of the food and the lodging can't in any way ever make up for the lack of air.

I think a lot of suffering could be bypassed if our culture didn't so consistently tell us that love is the most important thing, that love can overcome anything. It's simply not true, and I think anyone who gives the matter serious thought would see how obviously untrue that is. If people abandoned the (perhaps subconscious) idea that just because two people love one another they automatically have some path to a happy marriage, I think the decision to divorce or try to reconcile could be reached much more quickly. It's that seductive, romantic notion that "We love each other, we should fight for this marriage" that often leads to long, drawn out, unsuccessful attempts to reconcile. If you want your marriage to have mutual love for one another, great, go for it, insist on it; just don't forget about other things that you may find necessary, like trust, respect, empathy, and so on.

[This message edited by Sordid at 1:36 AM, Tuesday, June 14th]

Thank you @bigger for your messages. I perfectly understand everyone has a different view on the posts. All the advices have helped me except for one reply. But then nobody knows the circumstances or contingencies better than me. The forum has helped me to process the affair and get over the grieving phase, step back and see the whole thing rationally and take a decision. . I'm able to take the best advices that relate to my situation.

Thank you @sordid for the message. I also agree to your conclusion that trust is most important.

Sorry I haven't followed the thread for a while.

what I would like to say

Your accusation in every conversation with your wife made your relationship worse and impossible for her to leave om. Your wife knew you were leaving her.

Neither of you has a desire to get together.

ow and you are emotionally and physically out of the relationship.

The expected result for your wife and om to spend time together and maintain the relationship should be those who know and support the relationship, even if they partially hide it so that ow does not hear it.

Your wife feels compelled to stay with you.

your children need special care and it's hard for your wife to share that responsibility with someone new.

the same thing applies to you, women who will be included in your life will have problems with children.

Apart from that, it is not possible for you to stay together because you already know that your wife is cheating.

When you go to your wife, try to get evidence of cheating.

Once you've settled your business, you initiate the divorce and pass the evidence of the relationship to ow.

it shouldn't be your problem that they're both unemployed, a betrayal that's been going on for several years.