Newest Member: Qashess

Divorce/Separation :
Cried when completing disclosure...

Topic is Sleeping.

 Venus1 (original poster member #77144) posted at 1:28 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Long story short, I'm about to have my lawyer file a divorce petition with the court. My STBWXH and I have done a few things out of order (to my benefit), but I did complete all my disclosure documentation for my lawyer last week. When I sent it over I felt relief at first, and then I cried for about an hour straight! Anyone else experience this?

After my journey the past five months I know the only way through this is with a D. I can't stay married with someone who lies, cheats, blames, betrays, etc. He continues to be so cruel and make it all about him! So why was it so hard to put the papers together and fill our the forms? Why did I cry and why am I so sad about it? Am I still in denial that this is all happening or am I finally accepting the reality of it?

The emotional rollercoaster separating from a narc and taking that next big step of going with a D is a killer!

Here's a link to my original post so you have the background:

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 114   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8660334

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:01 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

It is hard. It just is. Yes, you need to get free of that jerk. But it still hurts. And there was so much pent up emotion, it had to go somewhere. Allow yourself the grace to grieve your M.

It gets better.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4215   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8660342

EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 2:01 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

It's just part of the grieving process Venus. Day me and xwh filed, I literally cried until I was puking. It's awful, even if it's the right thing for you.

Point being, it's normal and it'll pass!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3148   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8660343

Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 2:17 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

I'm further along than you, but still not divorced. In July, I will be S three years, so hopefully my D will be finalized soon. I've experienced every possible emotion through this process and then circled around again for more. Oh, the nonlinear nature of trauma... sucks.

But,and this is a big but, during the whole process, there was peace. Grief and peace, sadness and peace, anger and peace. Sometimes the peace was really subtle and quiet, so I had to really look for it amidst all the noise.. Getting out of infidelity was a good thing for me. It wasnt until I was in my own place that I realized just how much I had endured and suffered. When I moved into my apartment, the very first thing I did was buy a mug with Peace emblazoned on it. I use it every morning as a reminder.

I know you are grieving, but allow yourself to look forward to the peace you will hopefully feel or are feeling.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1110   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8660346

BetrayedGamer ( member #78456) posted at 5:01 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Also a bit farther along. STBXWW is out of the house, and all paperwork is filed. Just waiting for it to be finalized next month.

I went through the rollercoaster as well, now it's more like a steady feeling of grief with some hope down the road. I've got a good IC, started antidepressants, and am redoing my environment so that nothing from the past 7 years is visible. My advice once you reach this state is to keep yourself focused forward. The sadness of the past will always be there, but with work you can put it in the background instead of the foreground.

Me BH (51) her STBXWW (47) AP (30)
D-Day 3/14 (3 months before our 7th Anniversary)
Multiple Rs requested but she refused
She moved out May 1, D final on 6/24
No biological kids, 1 stepdaughter

posts: 157   ·   registered: Mar. 6th, 2021   ·   location: CO
id 8660492

DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 4:08 AM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

It's normal. You aren't grieving them so much as grieving all that you thought your future was. You're grieving the death of that dream and that reality you thought you had. It's important to let yourself cry that out and work through it.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4483   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8660731

messyleslie ( member #58177) posted at 5:38 AM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

It's normal. You aren't grieving them so much as grieving all that you thought your future was. You're grieving the death of that dream and that reality you thought you had. It's important to let yourself cry that out and work through it.

Yes this.

I was emotional too. I had zero desire to stay married to my ex. I wanted to be divorced and I was so relieved to just be done with it all. But I also had to grieve what I was losing - not the marriage I had but the marriage I thought I was going to have.

Its also just emotionally exhausting. Collecting all the paperwork and filing out the forms and communicating with lawyers. It just takes a lot out of you. I used to cry when I walked out of my last final in college because I just had so much anxiety that I just shoved down and being done with it was such a relief - getting to each milestone during my divorce felt like that. It was sad that I was there, but I was so happy to be one step closer to a new life I didn't want to ever have to want, but now felt like the only way out.

posts: 253   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8660739

katmandude54 ( member #35992) posted at 12:48 PM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

Nothing wrong with crying. Let it out, it's the grief, betrayal and negativity leaving you. Eventually, it will be depleted and you'll get on with it. My D is nearly final (COULD be today!!), after 30 years together and 29 year marriage (5 years S). Tears came before D because of SIX affairs leading to the S and the D finally. I'm not sad, relieved, anxious, or any other emotion. I just AM. Had to drag her kicking and screaming into the D, subpoenaed her to get her financials, court filed a default motion against her, she never got an attorney yet whined and moaned about "POSSIBLY" having to pay CS for DD I was caring for, last of four we had still under 18. So, don't let emotions bother you, they are human and are necessary for recovery.

If at first you don't succeed, you're probably screwed.

posts: 145   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2012   ·   location: FLORIDA
id 8660770

DanielJK ( member #75654) posted at 8:34 PM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

Just want to weigh in that I know how you feel, it sucks.

There are the little things along the way that just poke at me.

I get an email notification of my court date, ouch that hurts.

I get a notification on my phone that the I have been removed from the cable bill, that stings a little.

(just today) I get a call to remind me of the appointment with the lawyer to remove me from the current mortgage, ouch.

Reality sets in, then with each poke it hurts a little less each time. Then you will start to get a little excited as the end of the tunnel gets closer. I'm getting close, it's starting to feel a little better. I believe you will eventually begin to feel some relief...and finally some peace.

BH 51
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8660893

TheWrongOne ( member #78753) posted at 10:32 PM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

I'm filing this week and I let my wife know last Friday. I feel like a thick blanket has been pulled off me and I can feel the cool breeze for the first time in fifteen years since she cheated the first time.

posts: 182   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8660940

 Venus1 (original poster member #77144) posted at 11:54 PM on Thursday, June 3rd, 2021

I've done a lot of crying the past two weeks since I posted this thread. But, thank you for reminding me that it's ok to cry! When the BS is in the thick of things it's so draining and mentally exhausting, so we forget to give ourselves a little break!

My STBX has gone completely rogue --- buying a new car, cancelling his lease to move out of state with the AP, etc. --- and I'm just trying to deal with all the triggers and emotions. The song on the radio that brings tears to my eyes, the email I received for their 'renters insurance' at their new place, the lies he tells my parents --- all bring that grief back up to the surface. Not knowing what was real and what wasn't the past 16 years!

But, I read something recently that I wanted to share with everyone. It reminded me that grief due to a trauma is a little different than grief from a physical death. Let me know what you think!

"Trauma permanently changes us. This is the BIG and SCARY truth about trauma.

There is no such thing as 'getting over it'. The five stages of grief module marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger. A major life disruption leaves a new normal in it's wake and there is no going "back to the old me". You are different now, full stop.

This is not a wholly negative thing. healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and joy. The goal of healing is not a papering -over of changes in an effort to persevere or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life - warts, wisdom, and all - with courage."

~Catherine Woodiwiss

I realized that when I do cry it isn't a weakness. It's proof that I've survived something truly traumatic as a BS and am healing from heartbreak. That it will give me strength and help me grow as a person! That each trigger reminds me that my STBX is a liar, a cheater, someone who betrays his wife of 16 years and taken me for granted. And I'll be able to leave that behind at some point and have joy and peace in my life. I've realized that I'll always have a scar from this, but it will heal a little more everyday. And each time the scab gets ripped off it will hurt a little less.

A BIG difference between a BS and a WS --- a BS has courage / character, a WS has none!

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 114   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8664848

dogcopter ( member #77390) posted at 5:20 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

My heart breaks for you when I read this.

I think it is so hard because your brain just can't process it. This is completely how I think about it and not based in research, but I feel like your brain can only process one bit of information at a time. One minute you are thinking and processing how much of a D-bag they are and you will feel the emotion around that (probably relief). And then the next minute the brain is processing that trip to the lake last summer,... or the trip you were going to take this summer. And then you are suddenly sad and sobbing. And then the next thought is about sitting in a new place by yourself and you will feel lonely and scared. I think your brain has a lot to stuff through it's process and you will be on the rollercoaster for a while until it is done.

Again, not based in science... but this describes what I felt has happening in the past few months.

You are very brave for filing. You are strong for getting through that terrible stack of papers.

I think you are in some ways at acceptance, but it isn't linear. You'll bounce around and sometimes it will happen in the bat of an eye. But I think the act of filing brings with it some acceptance.

1st D-Day: Nov 2015
Many more D-Days.
nth D-Day: Jan 2021

posts: 283   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2021   ·   location: OH
id 8665095

beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 3:23 AM on Friday, June 18th, 2021

Hi Venus,

Goodluck to you and your family!
Hoping you find your peace. You got rid of one problem and it's time to move on with your life. Hopefully you find the happiness you deserve.
All the best!

posts: 382   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8668096

Lifeneverthesame ( new member #78993) posted at 3:44 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

I have experienced the same pain and deep gut wrenching crying at everything that triggers me. I try to keep it together at work, but this morning my phone randomly displayed a picture of us together and I lost it. Had to disappear to the bathroom so no one would see me. I’m a grown man and I can’t keep my emotions together. I’m tearing up right now just writing this reply. It sucks. I’m sorry that any of us have had this experience.

Me: BS (46)
Her: STBXW (39)
Together 20 yrs; Married 18 yrs; 3 Children (13, 10, & 6).
D-Day 1: 2006(?) - PA
D-Day 2: May 8, 2021 - PA & EA
Pseudo D-Day 3: June 19, 2021 - Still in contact with AP.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2021
id 8669746

Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 4:46 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

((virtual hugs))

Betrayal trauma and infidelity (which I believe is abuse) are aweful.

I am so sorry you are going through this

posts: 783   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8669807
Topic is Sleeping.
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