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Minnesota posted 5/8/2021 23:06 PM

Unhinged- you have been one of my best supporters here in SI. I think you can be assured you did everything you could do. You left it all on the field. You acted with integrity to the best of your ability. There is honor.

And I think of a couple more things: -

Bigger referenced Aron Ralston. I read the book he wrote and as he self amputated, when he got to the nerve bundle, it hurt like hell. There is pain in this process and go ahead and feel it. Before he cut off his own arm, in trying to save himself, he drank his own pee. You have also done hard things that are unpleasant to try to survive. But you’ve found the courage and did it. And- when the time came to actually separate from the trapped hand, he was ready- meaning he was very dehydrated and because of that, he didn’t lose as much blood. His timing was “good.” As you go through this, you’re ready, prepared and the timing might now be “good.”

Who cares who she blames it on? She will spin the story her way to her people. You will spin it your way for your people. I tend to believe time will truth out.

I get along decently for parenting and etc. with my XW. It can be done. In my case it’s because I made us get along. You have a more clear and courageous view on conflict than I do. You’ve got this.

We are with you.

Unhinged posted 5/12/2021 09:41 AM

You have a more clear and courageous view on conflict than I do.
Oh, I'm not so sure about that. I've had a tendency to avoid conflict and build walls my entire life.

I've started reading... well, anything that I can at the moment. I finished reading "Cheating in a Nutshell," which doesn't exactly advocate for reconciliation. I didn't actually read the letters people wrote to the authors, because, well, it's SSDD for someone who's been an active member of SI for over six years.

I picked up this little gem a couple of days ago: "The Psychology of Procrastination," by Steven Griggs (PhD, of course!). I'm a procrastinator. The following is from page 7:

The Dictionary of Psychology defines an "Approach-Avoidance" situation, as...

"A conflict resulting from being both drawn and repelled by the same goal. This type of conflict is particularly difficult to resolve in that with distance the goal appears more desirable than fearful, whereas with proximity its aversive qualities tend to dominate, causing withdrawal, which, of course leads to an increase in the goal's perceived positive features relative to the negative ones."

According to the author, this creates ambivalence. A light-bulb moment for me.

Karmafan, I'd love to take credit for that little gem, but I can't. I learned that phrase here from a member who hasn't been around in quite a while (blakesteele).

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:46 AM, May 12th (Wednesday)]

Bonetired posted 5/14/2021 07:48 AM

I get the conflict avoidance.I.grew up with an easily angered father and tried my best to hide or please him.I also grew up in a home where my father cheated on my mother and eventually they divorced when I was 16.I guess my biggest issue to overcome was the damage from that.The parent tape and all the experience and damage I had as an adult resulting from it.That experience set the ball rolling for the choices I made in my life when it came to partners,friendships etc...accumulating the damage down the road.Similar to an avalanche.It starts out small some times then as it hits more debris down the hill it continues to build.It took a lot of soul searching to identify that one small piece of debris that started the ball rolling.I am still working on untangling that mess but one day at a time.Sometimes it feels like I am reprogramming myself as I go.Extracting a virus that has infected my mind.Life is better now and I have been able to change some of my outcomes in life with effort and recognition of the choices I made and do make.I wish you the best in your search for yourself.You already seem to be very self aware.

HenryIIX posted 5/24/2021 13:44 PM

Sigh.....oh my friend, here we are again living parallel lives.

I feel everything that you wrote aboutut, and yep on the procrastination. We've sorted out items, know who is getting what, but yet there is no paperwork or filing. I tread forward slowing thinking I'll get on it once we tell the boys. Will I drag my feet after then? Most likely, even though it is my decision to D and I am going to make it happen.

Why couldn't our cheaters just get their shit together?

You are a wonderful person and father. You will get through and be better off from it, I believe in you more than you will ever know!

TwoDozen posted 5/25/2021 04:17 AM

Change occurs when the pain of same exceeds the pain of change.

I am absolutely gonna steal this phrase

tushnurse posted 5/26/2021 18:53 PM

Unhinged....its been some time since we last chatted but this does not by any means surprise me.

I am happy that you have decided that the pain is better than the daily poison.
Like others have already said..
This shit is hard. But on the other side it is good. Life can be complete and happy and you can demand the respect you deserve. Show your boy what it is like to live a good life and not tolerate being less than or treated as an option. You and I both know what you had the past few years wasn't R. It was just enough to keep you dangling.

Make sure you protect your son and yourself.

WarriorPrincess posted 5/26/2021 20:16 PM


I'm sorry, man. I know how hard it is when you want and believe in R and all it could be, if only the WS was someone other than who they are. Then they show themselves to be who they really are, instead of who you wish they could be, and you just can't not see it any more. At least, that's the way it went for me.

Here's to better times ahead.

squid posted 5/26/2021 20:26 PM

I think as men, we pride ourselves on being problem solvers and fixers. We also derive much of how we and society perceives our value in providing and supporting our wives and "captaining" our marriages.

I know I did (and still do) feel a lot of guilt for not being able to make our marriage work.

But that being said, marriage requires the work of two people. Both must be of the same mind and spirit. Even if the WS says they're all in, if the BS doesn't "feel" it, that may be all that's needed to topple the whole house of cards.

You've been here for quite some time. Deciding to take the "L" is often the hardest part. Following through with it really isn't that tough if you stay focused.

I hope your WW does her part and makes this process as easy as possible for you.

Unhinged posted 5/27/2021 11:38 AM

Show your boy what it is like to live a good life and not tolerate being less than or treated as an option. You and I both know what you had the past few years wasn't R. It was just enough to keep you dangling.
tushnurse, as usual my dear, you are quite perceptive. STBXWW even went so far as to finally--fucking finally--tell me that she's "sorry" for stringing me along the past few years.

As much as I'm still drawn to her in many ways, this marriage has been a nightmare for me the past six years. Some of that is my own issues. I'm discovering that I suffer from low self-esteem. I would have never thunk it, but having read a few articles on psychology sites, it seems that I fit the bill. Infidelity didn't help much.

Why couldn't our cheaters just get their shit together?
I'm not asking myself this question anymore. Now I'm asking myself why I couldn't get my shit together and leave this fucked-up, crazy marriage.

...they show themselves to be who they really are...
Yep. Right on, WarriorPrincess. For the rest of my life I will hear Maya Angelou's words in my head and I will never fail to heed them: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

OrdinaryDude posted 6/8/2021 01:19 AM

Best to you moving forward brother, I envy you in some ways.
I wish I could find the strength to do the same.

Unhinged posted 6/8/2021 10:51 AM

It's not strength. It's self preservation

WhoTheBleep posted 6/8/2021 11:01 AM

It's not strength. It's self preservation

Bingo. That realization is what pushes you off the fence, finally. Sometimes it happens right away. Sometimes it takes a few years. Divorce is often the only option, to avoid living in hell and destroying your own soul.

I wish you the best, Unhinged. You deserve peace and a happy life. I'm excited for you.

maise posted 6/8/2021 11:59 AM

I wish you the best, Unhinged. You deserve peace and a happy life.
Same ((((Unhinged)))). I think it’s a good step to begin to look at yourself now too and explore the reasons you stayed, etc. I found that to be a major point in my own healing. It helped me address my underlying low self-worth and some foo issues that contributed to my destructive patterns.

Sending you lots of positivity and strength through this process. It’s hard as we go through it but so worth it when we find ourselves stronger, happier, and more present with ourselves on the other side.

crazyblindsided posted 6/8/2021 14:00 PM

It's not strength. It's self preservation

This is what pushed me off the edge too. Much strength to you Unhinged and hoping you also find the peace and happiness you deserve.

gmc94 posted 6/8/2021 23:23 PM

I'm not asking myself [Why couldn't our cheaters just get their shit together?] ... anymore. Now I'm asking myself why I couldn't get my shit together and leave this fucked-up, crazy marriage.
I'm in year 4 and working on this. It's slower going than I'd like. And one thing I'm learning is that I MUST give myself some compassion for however long it takes ME to finally walk. It took you however long it took to get to the place you are. We don't all walk at the same pace any more than we heal at the same pace.

Sending strength to support your self preservation!

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